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Cyberdeth

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Hi Fastlaners,

I recently joined this forum and have found it insightful, helpful and inspirational.

I do have a question though.

I come from a lower middle income family that has always done side gigs as a way to suppliment their income. So entrepreneurship has pretty much always been in our blood.

I've been freelancing software development services since 2007. In 2009, I immigrated to Australia without any family or friends and had to close down my business in my home country. I had a permanent position for about a year, when In 2010, I started my own business doing contracting and consulting again. It was a one man show and I did really well but I never made the leap to employ people as I just didn't have the experience or mentorship to take me to the next level and I didn't know where to get that support. Especially on how to get more clients.

I also started an online store in a niche market and it was really doing well. Then in 2016, I hit a really rough patch. My wife were on paternity leave for about 6 months when my contract ended with a big bank. Unfortunately I didn’t have another client to go to as I was the one doing the contracting as a software engineer. For the next 6 months from June to December, my online store's sales had dried up and no matter how much money I threw at advertising or marketing, I wasn't able to get significant sales. I was unable to land any contracts and going over christmas with no income was especially stressful. As you can imagine, this caused a lot of stress, fights and money flow problems and almost caused our relationship to fall apart.

To add to this, my dad passed away in my home country and we had to fly over for the funeral. My credit cards were maxed out and I fell into depression. It was a really dark time. Then in January 2017, I got a short 6 month contract, but by then, my credibility as an entrepreneur had been crushed in my wife’s eyes and she pleaded with me to get a permanent position.

So in June 2017, I landed a permanent position with a company. It's a very good company and I like what I do. It pays the bills, and more importantly, I'm able to pay back my spouse the money she lent me when I was in trouble, but it's not where my heart is. I have all these ideas, all these plans to be an entrepreneur. I want to start more online stores, learning from my mistakes and doing better. I want to create software products and services. I want to do so much more.

The problem, however, is that every time I try to bring up the subject to start new online stores on the side, or to finally create that software service that I thought about, again, on the side, my wife just shoots it down and it becomes a shouting match about how I've not accomplished anything for the last 8 years, and that I had no work and no income for 6 months while she was on paternity leave. She also brings up that I'm in my 40's and starting a new business is better left for 20 year olds, how I still owe her money. I'm busy shutting down the online store as it's not bringing in enough sales. To be honest, I know I can't just quit my job at the moment and continue my business, however, I can do it on the side and build up a client base or at least start some online stores to bring in some money.

I really need some advice on what to do. I really love my wife and child, and I don't want to disappoint them again. I also believe that working for someone will never make you rich or wealthy. I've tried including her into my plans, asking her for advice and all other advice they suggest on the net, but she still has no confidence in me.

Thank you in advance,

Francois
 

Philip Marlowe

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Stop talking to her about what you're going to do and SHOW her.

I realize this is a gross oversimplification from someone you've never met but she's tired of hearing about the next big idea. She wants some stability.

I have mentioned my own aspirations to my wife, but mostly I go it alone. I get up at 4:30AM, work at lunch a bit, and put in an hour or two when she goes to bed.

I also have a full-time job (with a lot of travel), wife, kids, dog - the whole thing. But my fastlane dreams give me the energy I need to get up early and stay-up late. And maybe my current effort won't work, but I love the process and know what I need to do so eventually it will catch.

Just go DO. Stop talking to her about it. Your success will do the talking.

If you really need to talk to someone about it then post it here in the forum. We'll hear you out.

Good luck!!

-PM
 

Scot

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I agree with what @Philip Marlowe said.

I was in a very similar situation with my wife. I kind of still am. My first business idea was a total bust, waste a lot of money and sour her on the idea of entrepreneurship.

But I threw doing my research I thought of doing things and showing that I knew what I was doing. You don’t have to quit your job, there are 16 other hours in the day or you can devote to your side business.
 

Greg R

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Kinda funny this thread came up. @Scot and I had this very same conversation a day or two ago.

You can think of it as a self challenge. You will get resistance from everyone (wife, friends, family) until they see the money start coming in. Then all of a sudden, they want to be your best friend; pick your brain, get coffee, be apart of what you're doing. By that time you are miles ahead and there won't be any looking back.

Good luck.
 

Dunkafelics

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@Cyberdeth I had a bit of a grin on my face as I read your story.

I basically started looking into internet marketing back in 2012 and started a few websites trying to market products which failed ... as I was chasing the money rather than building a viable business.

Then in 2014, I went into publishing ebooks through Kindle. Actually managed to do pretty well with one of the books, but once again ... I was ... chasing the money rather than building a viable business.

We hit 2017 ... and FINALLY I have ditched my wantrapreneur ways and still had some struggles figuring out what I wanted to do, but having a wife, kid, full-time job and a bit of a higher level of maturity really has taken care of that.

Needless to say, my wife DEFINITELY has every right to question my intentions after seeing this all these years. You know what has changed her mindset?...

Consistent action and actually showing some income as a result. Take care of things in the home, get a stable income coming in and work on your business when you can. Your wife will appreciate it and will likely support you at a higher level moving forward.

We all need security in life ... your wife needs to know that you are going to support the family and ultimately provide for your child.

We are all in your corner ... as a lot of us are in a similar position. Keep going and don't give up!
 

cmor16

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Stop talking to her about what you're going to do and SHOW her.

Your success will do the talking.

Best advice you will get on this subject right here! ⬆⬆

You don’t have to quit your job, there are 16 other hours in the day or you can devote to your side business.

More solid advice. Keep the job to give your wife a sense of stability and security and build your business on your time. You've done it before and you can do it again.
 

Greg R

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More solid advice. Keep the job to give your wife a sense of stability and security and build your business on your time. You've done it before and you can do it again.

If you have a wife and kids, you almost have a moral DUTY to keep your job. Ditching the job to work on an unproven business would not be a wise risk. This is especially pertaining to those who have financial obligations that need to be attended to (mortgage and loans).

That is a reality that I've had to face as well.

Gone are the days where I can sell everything off, live on the cheap, and build a business.
 

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If you went to a banker or investor with your track record, what would they say?

If you want the wife and family to invest in you, you have to show ability and success.

Proof is in the pudding.
 

JAJT

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how I still owe her money.

I know everyone has their own strong opinions on this, and this is PURELY my own, but this strikes me as a real serious "red flag" in a relationship.

In my humble opinion:

- Strangers owe each other money.
- Friends owe each other money.
- Family owe each other money.

To me, spouses should not owe each other money.

It sends a very strong message of inequality and division between you. You aren't equals trying to take on life together - you are a debtor to your spouse who expects to be made whole by you. That just doesn't sit well with me.

How can you be equals in a relationship when one feels in debt to the other?
When one feels owed by the other?
How can you build a life together on the foundation of "what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine"?

Maybe this comment was inappropriate. I don't know you or your life or your situation. Maybe this is normal in other cultures and I'm just not familiar with it. I'm just a stranger on the internet with my own ideas of things. But to me this small comment you made was the weirdest, most telling part of your entire post.
 

Scot

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I know everyone has their own strong opinions on this, and this is PURELY my own, but this strikes me as a real serious "red flag" in a relationship.

In my humble opinion:

- Strangers owe each other money.
- Friends owe each other money.
- Family owe each other money.

To me, spouses should not owe each other money.

It sends a very strong message of inequality and division between you. You aren't equals trying to take on life together - you are a debtor to your spouse who expects to be made whole by you. That just doesn't sit well with me.

How can you be equals in a relationship when one feels in debt to the other?
When one feels owed by the other?
How can you build a life together on the foundation of "what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine"?

Maybe this comment was inappropriate. I don't know you or your life or your situation. Maybe this is normal in other cultures and I'm just not familiar with it. I'm just a stranger on the internet with my own ideas of things. But to me this small comment you made was the weirdest, most telling part of your entire post.


I didn’t say anything, but I agree. I winced when I read “owe money”.

As much as my wife and I butt heads about business, we are always on the same page that our money is shared.
 

Greg R

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I know everyone has their own strong opinions on this, and this is PURELY my own, but this strikes me as a real serious "red flag" in a relationship.

In my humble opinion:

- Strangers owe each other money.
- Friends owe each other money.
- Family owe each other money.

To me, spouses should not owe each other money.

It sends a very strong message of inequality and division between you. You aren't equals trying to take on life together - you are a debtor to your spouse who expects to be made whole by you. That just doesn't sit well with me.

How can you be equals in a relationship when one feels in debt to the other?
When one feels owed by the other?
How can you build a life together on the foundation of "what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine"?

Maybe this comment was inappropriate. I don't know you or your life or your situation. Maybe this is normal in other cultures and I'm just not familiar with it. I'm just a stranger on the internet with my own ideas of things. But to me this small comment you made was the weirdest, most telling part of your entire post.

@JAJT,

On some level, I think we can all agree with what you are saying. And there may be merit in exploring it. But suppose we turn the tables around...

If you're wife all of a sudden read a book about Californian Secular Buddhism, found out there was a community of monks who have found happiness somewhere in California, completely changed her identity, and started on a mission that took significant financial and time resources to find that happiness, how would you initially feel? Probably skeptical at first, then after you saw positive results- warmed up to the idea, and then probably jump on board when happiness was achieved.

As awesome as it would be, I couldn't see a scenario where a husband introduces a concept that completely negates the wife's reality and the wife being "Cool, I'm down". Assuming the wife isn't a Fastlaner herself of course.

I think it was @MidwestLandlord who had a great viewpoint on marriage... Maybe he could chime in.
 

Dunkafelics

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I resonate with all the points that you guys have made.

I've probably spent about $2500 this last year (a big portion for attending the Fastlane Summit) and I've actively worked outside of my regular paycheque to bring that money back in (Overtime/Business).

I agree ... it is a tough one in a sense that you "owe" money to your wife. You are married, have children and a provider.

IF however ... you have been slacking off and not bringing in consistent income for the family ... or borrowed the money prior to marriage. Then I can understand it a bit more.

Moving forward, this is likely something that you will want to clear up so that you can be on a level playing field with your wife.
 

Cyberdeth

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Stop talking to her about what you're going to do and SHOW her.

I realize this is a gross oversimplification from someone you've never met but she's tired of hearing about the next big idea. She wants some stability.

I have mentioned my own aspirations to my wife, but mostly I go it alone. I get up at 4:30AM, work at lunch a bit, and put in an hour or two when she goes to bed.

I also have a full-time job (with a lot of travel), wife, kids, dog - the whole thing. But my fastlane dreams give me the energy I need to get up early and stay-up late. And maybe my current effort won't work, but I love the process and know what I need to do so eventually it will catch.

Just go DO. Stop talking to her about it. Your success will do the talking.

If you really need to talk to someone about it then post it here in the forum. We'll hear you out.

Good luck!!

-PM

Thanks for the great advice PM. I will definitely need to start to make time to work on the project.
 

Cyberdeth

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@Cyberdeth I had a bit of a grin on my face as I read your story.

I basically started looking into internet marketing back in 2012 and started a few websites trying to market products which failed ... as I was chasing the money rather than building a viable business.

Then in 2014, I went into publishing ebooks through Kindle. Actually managed to do pretty well with one of the books, but once again ... I was ... chasing the money rather than building a viable business.

We hit 2017 ... and FINALLY I have ditched my wantrapreneur ways and still had some struggles figuring out what I wanted to do, but having a wife, kid, full-time job and a bit of a higher level of maturity really has taken care of that.

Needless to say, my wife DEFINITELY has every right to question my intentions after seeing this all these years. You know what has changed her mindset?...

Consistent action and actually showing some income as a result. Take care of things in the home, get a stable income coming in and work on your business when you can. Your wife will appreciate it and will likely support you at a higher level moving forward.

We all need security in life ... your wife needs to know that you are going to support the family and ultimately provide for your child.

We are all in your corner ... as a lot of us are in a similar position. Keep going and don't give up!

Great advice Dunk. Thanks for the support.
 

Cyberdeth

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If you have a wife and kids, you almost have a moral DUTY to keep your job. Ditching the job to work on an unproven business would not be a wise risk. This is especially pertaining to those who have financial obligations that need to be attended to (mortgage and loans).

That is a reality that I've had to face as well.

Gone are the days where I can sell everything off, live on the cheap, and build a business.

Yeah. Just to be clear, I do understand that I have a moral duty to make my wife and child feel safe and secure and to support them as much as I can. I don't have any plans to ditch the job with no income and start a new business. I've tried to explain this to her multiple times. The issue is that she doesn't even want me to do any work on the sidelines.
 

Cyberdeth

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I know everyone has their own strong opinions on this, and this is PURELY my own, but this strikes me as a real serious "red flag" in a relationship.

In my humble opinion:

- Strangers owe each other money.
- Friends owe each other money.
- Family owe each other money.

To me, spouses should not owe each other money.

It sends a very strong message of inequality and division between you. You aren't equals trying to take on life together - you are a debtor to your spouse who expects to be made whole by you. That just doesn't sit well with me.

How can you be equals in a relationship when one feels in debt to the other?
When one feels owed by the other?
How can you build a life together on the foundation of "what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine"?

Maybe this comment was inappropriate. I don't know you or your life or your situation. Maybe this is normal in other cultures and I'm just not familiar with it. I'm just a stranger on the internet with my own ideas of things. But to me this small comment you made was the weirdest, most telling part of your entire post.

I wish it was this clear cut. Unfortunately, during the period when both of us had no income she had to dip into her savings to help support the family. I feel absolutely obligated to not only show her that I'm doing everything I possibly can to make her feel safe and secure and to repay her.
 

Dunkafelics

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I've tried to explain this to her multiple times. The issue is that she doesn't even want me to do any work on the sidelines.

Not knowing your relationship again I don't want to say much. I think the idea is resistance here. For whatever reason your wife is not buying it.

Keep trying!

Even if you have to do things on your spare time, little by little.

When you starting bringing in some income from this on the side to start, her mentality may change.

I truly wish you all the best, keep us updated.



Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Tapatalk
 

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First of all, I‘m so sorry to hear about your dad passing away. My condolences.

Now, I know how deep someone can reach dark places in ones mind and heart.
I know how senseless and empty life can feel viewing it from such a dark place.
This post ain‘t about me, but I have the experience of feeling some kind of being understood if I read about people experiencing similar things. Especially if you‘re feeling like you are going crazy.
Maybe you know all of this already, I don‘t know. Just wanted to let you know that it can happen to everyone. No matter how strong, intelligent or ambitious someone is.
Depression is a bitch and can kill everything within one.

But on the other hand it does not.
It‘s more like a dark cloud hovering above and around you, but when it dissipates, you‘re still the same great, strong, intelligent and ambitious person you‘ve always been. Maybe even more of everything and with an added amount of compassion and appreciation for the good things in life.

Now the thing about your wife - I don‘t know her, and if you chose to marry her, she‘s probably an awesome person - but the thing is, often it‘s the people nearest to us, who take the wind from beneath our wings instead of blowing even more of it at them.

Maybe it‘s because of fear of change, or just a lack of understanding this mindset.
But no matter what the reason may be, if your wife is not supporting you when you are talking about it - at the moment - stop talking about it to her, no matter how hard it is, and yes I know how much one would love to share ones excitement with the person closest to us.

But at the moment she‘s not ready for it.

So my advice would be, to keep that excitement within yourself and let it fuel your work, the thing you want to do.
Don‘t neglect your wife and child because of it, find ways to build it into your life without interferring with your family life too much.

And then trust that your wife will understand as soon as you got something on the feet. Created something from nothing.
And I‘m sure she will be on your side then.

I hope this was a bit of help and I wish you and your family only the best :)
 
Last edited:

Cyberdeth

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First of all, I‘m so sorry to hear about your dad passing away. My condolences.

Now, I know how deep someone can reach dark places in ones mind and heart.
I know how senseless and empty life can feel viewing it from such a dark place.
This post ain‘t about me, but I have the experience of feeling some kind of being understood if I read about people experiencing similar things. Especially if you‘re feeling like you are going crazy.
Maybe you know all of this already, I don‘t know. Just wanted to let you know that it can happen to everyone. No matter how strong, intelligent or ambitious someone is.
Depression is a bitch and can kill everything within one.

But on the other hand it does not.
It‘s more like a dark cloud hovering above and around you, but when it dissipates, you‘re still the same great, strong, intelligent and ambitious person you‘ve always been. Maybe even more of everything and with an added amount of compassion and appreciation for the good things in life.

Now the thing about your wife - I don‘t know her, and if you chose to marry her, she‘s probably an awesome person - but the thing is, often it‘s the people nearest to us, who take the wind from beneath our wings instead of blowing even more of it at them.

Maybe it‘s because of fear of change, or just a lack of understanding this mindset.
But no matter what the reason may be, if your wife is not supporting you when you are talking about it - at the moment - stop talking about it to her, no matter how hard it is, and yes I know how much one would love to share ones excitement with the person closest to us.

But at the moment she‘s not ready for it.

So my advice would be, to keep that excitement within yourself and let it fuel your work, the thing you want to do.
Don‘t neglect your wife and child because of it, find ways to build it into your life without interferring with your family life too much.

And then trust that your wife will understand as soon as you got something on the feet. Created something from nothing.
And I‘m sure she will be on your side then.

I hope this was a bit of help and I wish you and your family only the best :)

Thank you for the kind words Supa. From all the responses that I've received, I think it's clear that I will, as planned, stay in my permanent job while pursuing the entrepreneurial dream. Even though I'd like to share my entrepreneurial dreams with my significant other, I think for the moment, I will keep my plans for world domination to myself until such time that I can show her that I'm receiving a significant, constant stream of income from my pursuits.

Thanks again for everyone's inputs. It really has helped a lot.
 

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Get a divorce.

If that’s not an option, tell her to drop the negativity, or sign a contract waiving the right to any additional money you ever make from business. One or the other.

Of course, this is what should happen in a perfect world. In the real world, you’ll just carry on and if somehow you can push through her constant barrage of negativity and succeed, she’ll be rewarded handsomely just for being around. Such is life.
 

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I think it was @MidwestLandlord who had a great viewpoint on marriage... Maybe he could chime in.

I did?

Yeah, my wife has always been supportive of my fastlane. Even now while she's watching my once great B&M business go from a best year of $80m in revenue to I will be closing my doors no later than March 1st.

My marriage is on the rocks, but has nothing to do with fastlane (except maybe added stress) and everything to do with me haha. (I'm a bit immature yet)

She's had her moments of doubt for sure. That came across to me as "unsupportive" but really it was just insecurity on her part.

Not sure I'm qualified to give advice, but this is how I am:

Fastlane is my "mission" in life. It is more important to me than her or the marriage. She's known this since day 1. I've never verbalized this to her. EVER.

But she knows by the way I carry myself through life that this is what I am going to do (fastlane) and she chose to join me in that when we married.

If she chooses to no longer be apart of that, then she can divorce me. Simple. It's all her choice.

That doesn't mean I don't acknowledge her feelings with it all. I've made some epic mistakes, and had to reassure her.

But I reassure(d) her by showing her progress and also verbalizing it when appropriate. (I do ask her advice very, very often, as she the smartest person I know and often see's something I don't)

That means I do share this with her.

But it's from a frame of "This is where I am at with my mission. I have this problem and I would like and value your input"

Sometimes her input is negative to the situation, but not at me. And that's OK!

It's sort of like how couples argue over where to eat:

Me: "I don't know, whatever you want is fine" -will annoy her and is weak.

vs

Me: "Get dressed, we're going out to [wherever] tonight" -taking charge, not annoying or weak.

Maybe she suggests a different place, that's cool, her input is valuable and taken seriously. Maybe I go to her suggestion instead. But I am still going out to eat with her, which is what *I* initiated.

Sort of a hard concept for me to put into words (plus I am bloody exhausted), but does that difference in your "frame" make sense?

So @Cyberdeth , with that frame in mind...

Why on God's green earth would you get in shouting matches with her? I mean, seriously...why? Do you like drama? Do you like negativity?

Don't answer those questions. But ask them of yourself. MOST people, male and female, like this kind of drama and negative crap.

It helps no one.

What's the real emotions behind the shouting? I would guess it's insecurity on her part, and seeking affirmation on your part. She wants reassurance that you will provide financial security (and is expressing it immaturely) and you are seeking confirmation that she will support you (and are expressing it immaturely)

What frame of mind are you operating from when shouting at/with her?

You want to lead her, yourself, and your family out of this mess? Acknowledge the real issues, the real emotions.

(I've found that giving my wife a hug and showing some genuine concern over her is far more effective than shouting. Plus, it's showing the real me, not some anger filled a**hole that gets his jollies from the drama of shouting)

My wife is welcome to express her concerns (and I do verbalize I'm willing to listen often), but I would tolerate shouting for about .5 seconds before I walked out. (likely forever)

My frame is: She's welcome to express negative emotions, but not *AT* me. (and vice versa)

I learned all this the hard way haha. I hope something in there helps you.
 

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Like @Scot I've gotten some hesitancy from my wife based on my past failures. I'm also a conservative caveman married to a very religious girl, so your experience may vary. Here's my take on what happens when my wife and I "feel" differently about something:

I'm her husband, not her therapist.

I love my wife and make an earnest effort to understand her feelings and take them into account. Sometimes, after analysis, it turns out she's right and I change my mind.

That said, she's an adult, and ultimately responsible for her own feelings, just like I am for mine. Sometimes in life, the best way to get people to behave like reasonable adults is to simply carry on as though you expect them to be. I've found that more often than not, they'll surprise you with resiliency as long as you carry on with purpose.
 

Kjbinatl

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@Cyberdeth, remember that you came to a conclusion about how ineffective employment is in the long run. That conclusion took a series of steps. Those are steps your wife has not taken. If you want her to support you she has to have the same conclusion or trust yours. Since she doesn't trust yours (not a judgement against her, this seems pretty normal to me) you might take another approach.

Take her path first. Talk to her and play out all of the steps she would want you to take. 1) Get a job, 2) recover the amount of money she perceives you to owe (a little troubling for a wife to think this way, but we're channeling her thoughts) 3) get enough so that when you can't work any more there is still money 4) what about any lofty dreams?

Work out the amount of time at your job to reach each of these. Have her consider that amount of time and how much control you have over the company to keep that job. Make her examine it, don't let her use wishful thinking or bury her head in the sand on any risks to it. Keep thinking her way and asking questions about it until she acknowledges the risks. Explain that these are the risks you are trying to address by taking the entrepreneur route. Ask her for how she would want to address the risks - not having enough money, but being unemployable in your 60's, company layoffs, penny pinching, kids, pets, etc.

Document this together as you go.

Frankly she may have better ideas than you on businesses. Try to bring her in as a partner. Let her reach the conclusion herself and she may understand what your trying to do. And she may help you get their faster. At least she'll commit to working together. Or thinking about the money she already contributed as less of a debt and more of a "capital funding attempt".

And good luck!
 

Mattie

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I really need some advice on what to do. I really love my wife and child, and I don't want to disappoint them again. I also believe that working for someone will never make you rich or wealthy. I've tried including her into my plans, asking her for advice and all other advice they suggest on the net, but she still has no confidence in me.
Ask her if she has a better idea. Ask her how real wealth is built. I would just keep asking her questions. And she answers the questions, maybe it forces her to think how it actually comes.
 

WJK

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Hi Fastlaners,

I've tried including her into my plans, asking her for advice and all other advice they suggest on the net, but she still has no confidence in me. Francois
I've had the opposite problem. My husband married into my situation. I own the income properties, assets and the businesses. (I was 50 when we married.) Yes, his only job is help me take care of my stuff (and he has wonderful skills that he brings to the table). Yes, our financial inequity has caused problems over the years. My businesses and real estate investments have become very successful, so it hasn't been a lack of resources. The problems were over his expectations as we have grown older. He wanted me to sell out so we won't have to do the day to day operations. And, yes, his plan was for me to take care of his financial needs.
In my mind, it's not time to sell out yet. There are 2 major industry projects in our area on the drawing board. If, and when, they are built, my rentals will double, and maybe triple, in market value. Also, we have a great cash cow to take care of our daily needs in the meantime. I have been self-employed for 42 years, so my real estate holdings are my pension plan.
Over the years, most of our conflicts and problems have smoothed out. We are now very comfortable with each other. Time takes care of a lot of these issues.
Don't talk to your wife about your dreams. You're scaring her. Keep your day job and work on a side gig. Prove yourself by being steady and successful. It's a winning combination.
 

Mutant

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Hi Fastlaners,

I recently joined this forum and have found it insightful, helpful and inspirational.

I do have a question though.

I come from a lower middle income family that has always done side gigs as a way to suppliment their income. So entrepreneurship has pretty much always been in our blood.

I've been freelancing software development services since 2007. In 2009, I immigrated to Australia without any family or friends and had to close down my business in my home country. I had a permanent position for about a year, when In 2010, I started my own business doing contracting and consulting again. It was a one man show and I did really well but I never made the leap to employ people as I just didn't have the experience or mentorship to take me to the next level and I didn't know where to get that support. Especially on how to get more clients.

I also started an online store in a niche market and it was really doing well. Then in 2016, I hit a really rough patch. My wife were on paternity leave for about 6 months when my contract ended with a big bank. Unfortunately I didn’t have another client to go to as I was the one doing the contracting as a software engineer. For the next 6 months from June to December, my online store's sales had dried up and no matter how much money I threw at advertising or marketing, I wasn't able to get significant sales. I was unable to land any contracts and going over christmas with no income was especially stressful. As you can imagine, this caused a lot of stress, fights and money flow problems and almost caused our relationship to fall apart.

To add to this, my dad passed away in my home country and we had to fly over for the funeral. My credit cards were maxed out and I fell into depression. It was a really dark time. Then in January 2017, I got a short 6 month contract, but by then, my credibility as an entrepreneur had been crushed in my wife’s eyes and she pleaded with me to get a permanent position.

So in June 2017, I landed a permanent position with a company. It's a very good company and I like what I do. It pays the bills, and more importantly, I'm able to pay back my spouse the money she lent me when I was in trouble, but it's not where my heart is. I have all these ideas, all these plans to be an entrepreneur. I want to start more online stores, learning from my mistakes and doing better. I want to create software products and services. I want to do so much more.

The problem, however, is that every time I try to bring up the subject to start new online stores on the side, or to finally create that software service that I thought about, again, on the side, my wife just shoots it down and it becomes a shouting match about how I've not accomplished anything for the last 8 years, and that I had no work and no income for 6 months while she was on paternity leave. She also brings up that I'm in my 40's and starting a new business is better left for 20 year olds, how I still owe her money. I'm busy shutting down the online store as it's not bringing in enough sales. To be honest, I know I can't just quit my job at the moment and continue my business, however, I can do it on the side and build up a client base or at least start some online stores to bring in some money.

I really need some advice on what to do. I really love my wife and child, and I don't want to disappoint them again. I also believe that working for someone will never make you rich or wealthy. I've tried including her into my plans, asking her for advice and all other advice they suggest on the net, but she still has no confidence in me.

Thank you in advance,

Francois

Hi,

So at the very vulnerable moment of having her first baby (I know it's yours too, but I'm just looking at her view for a minute) when all her natural instincts are to protect & nurture & nest & make safe - which is already under heightened difficulty because she's in a foreign country (I know you'd all been there a while at this point, but I'm guessing she still didn't have her family around either), & what happens? You run out of money. Your contracting has failed. You're throwing more money after bad (marketing that didn't work). There's a death in the family & a big expense comes up (plane tickets). And you & your spouse are arguing all the time...

I was reading in another thread about F*ck This Events, & actually, with their mixture of underlying logic compounded by huge emotion, this could actually have been a F*ck This Event for your wife. "F*ck this sh*t - never again!" We might say it about being an employee in a cubicle, but unfortunately you wife appears to have experienced some of the worst of entrepreneurialism at her most vulnerable time, so I can quite see how she would now say that about you starting a business.

You now don't just have to convince her rationally, but emotionally too. I know I could explain some very good reasons why I don't want a full time job, but also key is the weight on my chest, the tightening of my throat, & the claustrophobia I feel when I think about being on that treadmill for 30+ years. Someone could counter with some very logical reasons I should get a full time job, but that's not going to stop the panic rising in my chest.

As others have said - for now, she's not ready for all your hopes & dreams. What you want to emphasise it that you're both coming from the same place - you don't ever want to be unable to provide for your family ever again either.

You've learned that contracting on your own for one client at a time full time is not the way to go, as it gives you no security (& is not very fastlane - don't say this bit!) but a full time job is actually little better, as you still only have one source of income, & the plug could be pulled at any moment - look up the notice period in your contract, make it real that at any time for any reason beyond your control, you could find yourself say thirty days from no income again. Whilst you have zero intention of giving up your full time job (in the next x months - don't say this bit!) you can't control if they will give you up, due to redundancies or whatever. Even if the company you work for is a solid, big company, business is business & if they think they can cut costs, they will.

What you're looking to do is develop a side business. Just a little something to ease both your & her mind that your job isn't the only income you're bringing in. To provide a little more security. And you will totally bootstrap it - this isn't a big gamble of money, only a little time which you will fit in around your job & family time. And hey, remember when you did have work & your online store was doing well? Wasn't the extra money nice?

If it doesn't generate much money, things will still be as they are now. If it does work well, things will be a even better.

Try to calm the emotion, then don't keep talking about it.
Get to the proving!
 

Cyberdeth

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Hi,

So at the very vulnerable moment of having her first baby (I know it's yours too, but I'm just looking at her view for a minute) when all her natural instincts are to protect & nurture & nest & make safe - which is already under heightened difficulty because she's in a foreign country (I know you'd all been there a while at this point, but I'm guessing she still didn't have her family around either), & what happens? You run out of money. Your contracting has failed. You're throwing more money after bad (marketing that didn't work). There's a death in the family & a big expense comes up (plane tickets). And you & your spouse are arguing all the time...

I was reading in another thread about F*ck This Events, & actually, with their mixture of underlying logic compounded by huge emotion, this could actually have been a F*ck This Event for your wife. "F*ck this sh*t - never again!" We might say it about being an employee in a cubicle, but unfortunately you wife appears to have experienced some of the worst of entrepreneurialism at her most vulnerable time, so I can quite see how she would now say that about you starting a business.

You now don't just have to convince her rationally, but emotionally too. I know I could explain some very good reasons why I don't want a full time job, but also key is the weight on my chest, the tightening of my throat, & the claustrophobia I feel when I think about being on that treadmill for 30+ years. Someone could counter with some very logical reasons I should get a full time job, but that's not going to stop the panic rising in my chest.

As others have said - for now, she's not ready for all your hopes & dreams. What you want to emphasise it that you're both coming from the same place - you don't ever want to be unable to provide for your family ever again either.

You've learned that contracting on your own for one client at a time full time is not the way to go, as it gives you no security (& is not very fastlane - don't say this bit!) but a full time job is actually little better, as you still only have one source of income, & the plug could be pulled at any moment - look up the notice period in your contract, make it real that at any time for any reason beyond your control, you could find yourself say thirty days from no income again. Whilst you have zero intention of giving up your full time job (in the next x months - don't say this bit!) you can't control if they will give you up, due to redundancies or whatever. Even if the company you work for is a solid, big company, business is business & if they think they can cut costs, they will.

What you're looking to do is develop a side business. Just a little something to ease both your & her mind that your job isn't the only income you're bringing in. To provide a little more security. And you will totally bootstrap it - this isn't a big gamble of money, only a little time which you will fit in around your job & family time. And hey, remember when you did have work & your online store was doing well? Wasn't the extra money nice?

If it doesn't generate much money, things will still be as they are now. If it does work well, things will be a even better.

Try to calm the emotion, then don't keep talking about it.
Get to the proving!

Thank you for the great post. Really makes sense.
 

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