Who is this written for? You're targeting is unclear and it effs with your messaging. The person renting a car for a road trip probably isn't the same person interested in "trying before buying".
Let's break it down more thoroughly and examine technique.
If you want to do with this, why not "Try it before you buy it?". Rent implies that they'll have to pay money, which is true... but using it in the TITLE will turn people off straight away. The first word in the copy sets up an expectation that they have to pay money which isn't a good way to start. Also, the word "try" rhymes!
This is clumsy. Don't ask the readers questions unless they have the answers, they will only humor you for so long before they lose interest. Remove the comma after "nothing". And "Classic road song"? Like... what? "she'll be comin round the mountain?" I have no idea what you mean here.
Also, there isn't enough imagery or feeling here if you're going to follow it up with "this is the feeling you get". In fact, you should never say the line. Again, it's too direct and too patronizing. Just show the imagery, you don't have to literally tie it in. Let the imagery sit next to the product without overtly calling attention to it. Here's a video I cut that has some relevance:
If you're going to try and focus on the feeling they get... you need to pinpoint your audience first, and talk to them directly.
"It's 5:01 Friday evening and you're free from your corporate overlords. Goodbye job, hello Vegas. You pick up Ricky and Turtle and hit the road. Sure, Ricky's loud and Turtle hasn't showered in a week, but that's what makes them so lovable. You crank Highway to Hell and hit the gas."
It tells a story and speaks to a particular demographic.
Why is this the only thing bolded? These features are boring. Who are they for? It sounds like they're for the vanity of the company. You haven't given us the reason why we care about the company yet for these facts to matter.
FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES. Here's a video explaining how I feel about this part:
These are all nice and dandy, but nobody really cares. Untargeted features are what you provide to somebody who's already made the decision they like your brand. You haven't given them a reason to like the brand yet, so these features might as well not exist on the copy at all.
Basically, you're suffering from a single problem, and that's not having a clear direction on the ad. You haven't decided who EXACTLY you're talking to, what they care about, what features they want to see, or why they'd want to rent/buy a car at all. You're either selling a car to somebody who needs it for a roadtrip, or you're selling it to somebody who wants to try it for a weekend in day-to-day life before buying it.
You let the demographic inform every writing decision. Before every line, say to yourself "How will my demographic respond to this".
Keep up the hard work
Let's break it down more thoroughly and examine technique.
You need a catchier title.Title: Rent It Before You Buy It
If you want to do with this, why not "Try it before you buy it?". Rent implies that they'll have to pay money, which is true... but using it in the TITLE will turn people off straight away. The first word in the copy sets up an expectation that they have to pay money which isn't a good way to start. Also, the word "try" rhymes!
This is something a lot of people do that I dislike. I hate when copy says "Picture this". It sounds patronizing. I know you're trying to sell me something, I'm not going to do the work for you! Just jump into the imagery without 'picture this'.Picture this…you and your friends are packed and ready to go on a road trip.
You pick up the rental car and head on down the highway. What is that you feel? What is that you hear? Nothing, but your friends singing a classic road song in the background.
This is the feeling you get when you rent a vehicle from Need-A-Car.
This is clumsy. Don't ask the readers questions unless they have the answers, they will only humor you for so long before they lose interest. Remove the comma after "nothing". And "Classic road song"? Like... what? "she'll be comin round the mountain?" I have no idea what you mean here.
Also, there isn't enough imagery or feeling here if you're going to follow it up with "this is the feeling you get". In fact, you should never say the line. Again, it's too direct and too patronizing. Just show the imagery, you don't have to literally tie it in. Let the imagery sit next to the product without overtly calling attention to it. Here's a video I cut that has some relevance:
If you're going to try and focus on the feeling they get... you need to pinpoint your audience first, and talk to them directly.
"It's 5:01 Friday evening and you're free from your corporate overlords. Goodbye job, hello Vegas. You pick up Ricky and Turtle and hit the road. Sure, Ricky's loud and Turtle hasn't showered in a week, but that's what makes them so lovable. You crank Highway to Hell and hit the gas."
It tells a story and speaks to a particular demographic.
Need-A-Car is proud to be apart of the top three car rental companies in the world. We've received excellent reviews on our car maintenance and performance from thousands of loyal customers around the world.
Why is this the only thing bolded? These features are boring. Who are they for? It sounds like they're for the vanity of the company. You haven't given us the reason why we care about the company yet for these facts to matter.
It gives us great honor to announce Need-A-Car is now selling vehicles! We know that as an expert driver you are concerned about buying a car from a car rental company. However, here are some clear-cut reasons of why you should buy a car from us:
- We have a strict policy of maintenance on our vehicles.
- The vehicles that we sell are two years old or less.
- Our vehicle have less than 50,000 mph on them.
- All of our vehicles are fuel efficient.
- We sell cars, trucks, and vans at low rates.
- We provide financing on all vehicles.
FEATURES FEATURES FEATURES. Here's a video explaining how I feel about this part:
These are all nice and dandy, but nobody really cares. Untargeted features are what you provide to somebody who's already made the decision they like your brand. You haven't given them a reason to like the brand yet, so these features might as well not exist on the copy at all.
Basically, you're suffering from a single problem, and that's not having a clear direction on the ad. You haven't decided who EXACTLY you're talking to, what they care about, what features they want to see, or why they'd want to rent/buy a car at all. You're either selling a car to somebody who needs it for a roadtrip, or you're selling it to somebody who wants to try it for a weekend in day-to-day life before buying it.
You let the demographic inform every writing decision. Before every line, say to yourself "How will my demographic respond to this".
Keep up the hard work
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