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A friend of mine is Depressed, should I help him?

alan3wilson

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I have a friend of mine (we have been friends since we were children) and he is depressed, he lost is job and his father..

I'd like to help him but I don't if I should.

I mean he is so depressed that some months ago he suffered with suicidal thoughts...

I know that many depressed people drag other people down but I really feel sorry for him.

Do you think I should help him or he just need to know that he must take his responsability for his own life?
 
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Red

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I don't think it's so much about "helping" him, but rather just showing him you care. Texts/calls checking in on someone or bringing a treat/dessert to their home (with a heads up, of course) just to hang out & chat a bit can do wonders. Sometimes all someone needs is to know that somebody cares.
 

GenYJourney

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Depression is no joke as you know, but I agree with Red in terms of opening that door of communication and letting your friend know that you care.

You mentioned he lost his job too, so were you planning on helping him financially? I ask because I know how quickly these situations can turn south.

Obviously I don't know your friend nor the condition he's in, but definitely reach out to him and keep in touch.

Be a friend, be cautious of becoming a crutch.

All the best
 
G

Guest3722A

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I am sorry to say that my last girlfriend of 4 years I just found out yesterday night had committed suicide on July 31st. I'm crushed and my heart is broken. She was depressed. She couldn't find a job. She had 2 degrees. I had mentioned on the forum a couple years back that I tried to get her to read TMFL and she got upset with me one day and threw it across the room. She wasn't cut like that and she was afraid. You never know what the future is going to bring. I wish I would've done more but I didn't know. If the signs are there, they're real and should be taken seriously.
 
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Ninjakid

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I have a friend of mine (we have been friends since we were children) and he is depressed, he lost is job and his father..

I'd like to help him but I don't if I should.

I mean he is so depressed that some months ago he suffered with suicidal thoughts...

I know that many depressed people drag other people down but I really feel sorry for him.

Do you think I should help him or he just need to know that he must take his responsability for his own life?
It's hard to say because I don't know your friend, but in my personal experience, when you try to "help" someone who's depressed, it backfires on you.

I say "help" because often people's instinct is to try and fix the person, but this is a bad approach.

Has he struggled with depression before? His circumstances as you say are likely the cause of his depression. He needs to be able to feel fully before he can heal. I recommend letting him know he's not alone, and being there for him even if he's trying to isolate himself, which he will likely do.

Encourage him to get professional help, and make sure you take care of yourself too.

I am sorry to say that my last girlfriend of 4 years I just found out yesterday night had committed suicide on July 31st. I'm crushed and my heart is broken. She was depressed. She couldn't find a job. She had 2 degrees. I had mentioned on the forum a couple years back that I tried to get her to read TMFL and she got upset with me one day and threw it across the room. She wasn't cut like that and she was afraid. You never know what the future is going to bring. I wish I would've done more but I didn't know. If the signs are there, they're real and should be taken seriously.
Man, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's a terrible thing to experience. :( How are you holding up?
 

Almantas

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I'll be straightforward: show him you care by regularly keeping in touch and lending your ear as often as he needs it.

I had been suffering from clinical depression for two years. Had nobody to properly talk to when I was at my lowest, because I didn't reach out. So, make sure you regularly keep in touch and show him he matters and you care.

It'll take some time for him to accept the closure, but for now show him you care.
 
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G

Guest3722A

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I like Nickleback
She would've laughed at me saying that. And that's the memory I want to keep. I thought you would've picked up on what I was getting at. The first thing I wrote that I edited out was about my last memories with her. They weren't positive. I prefer to remember her with the good.
You like Nickelback??
 

alan3wilson

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Guys I still don't know how to help him... he tried to suicide jumping from an apartment some days ago but he was blocked by a police man..

I don't understand what is "depression", a disease or something that a guy doesn't want to accept his own responsability?

Why many people are depressed in the world and try to commit suicide?

I will never understand this, we only live once.
 
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Guest92dX

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You're not equipped to help him if you don't understand why he wants to kill himself.

Have you ever just "listened" to him? Seriously, so many people don't "listen". The real version of listening.

You need to step away though. You are not a real friend. If you have to ask random people on the internet, whether you SHOULD help someone who is depressed and suicidal then stay away and go back to your self-centered life because you don't really care.

You literally have a friend trying to kill himself, and you found a way to make it about you.

You have a friend who tried to jump off a building and was stopped by a cop.

That guy is in a psych ward right now under a mandatory 72 hour watch or longer and will probably get a court order to take debilitating medication. He's probably being manhandled by a nurse getting a forced injection in his a$$ and being stripped and humiliated with no dignity. He has been stripped of human rights like an inmate. Yet, you are here instead of being in that hospital and talking with him. He is probably trying to call his family, but he most likely can't call his family because they put a limit on your phone usage like prison. You are posting here instead of seeing mental illness in its throes. You are on the internet talking to random people instead of your friend.

Wow.

You didn't know that though did you? because you haven't visited him. You didn't know that though because you don't want to be around a psych ward.

OP sounds like a fake post or something.

Walk away from him dude. You need more help then he does. Why? You don't even have the decency to care in the one moment when people need you to care. You have to ask if you should care.
 

alan3wilson

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You're not equipped to help him if you don't understand why he wants to kill himself.

Have you ever just "listened" to him? Seriously, so many people don't "listen". The real version of listening.

You need to step away though. You are not a real friend. If you have to ask random people on the internet, whether you SHOULD help someone who is depressed and suicidal then stay away and go back to your self-centered life because you don't really care.

You literally have a friend trying to kill himself, and you found a way to make it about you.

You have a friend who tried to jump off a building and was stopped by a cop.

That guy is in a psych ward right now under a mandatory 72 hour watch or longer and will probably get a court order to take debilitating medication. He's probably being manhandled by a nurse getting a forced injection in his a$$ and being stripped and humiliated with no dignity. He has been stripped of human rights like an inmate. Yet, you are here instead of being in that hospital and talking with him. He is probably trying to call his family, but he most likely can't call his family because they put a limit on your phone usage like prison. You are posting here instead of seeing mental illness in its throes. You are on the internet talking to random people instead of your friend.

Wow.

You didn't know that though did you? because you haven't visited him. You didn't know that though because you don't want to be around a psych ward.

OP sounds like a fake post or something.

Walk away from him dude. You need more help then he does. Why? You don't even have the decency to care in the one moment when people need you to care. You have to ask if you should care.

Sorry man, I don't know why you think this.

I went to the hospital and also other people that love him but NO ONE wasn't allowed to enter to the hospital room.

As soon as it will be possible, I will go there and give him as much love and carefulness as he needs.

Peace.
 

jon.a

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I'm going to be naive now.
He's in the system, I have to believe that being in the system has to be better than being unknown by the system.
If he's a friend go talk to him as soon as the system permits.
 
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Tom.V

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This is an interesting topic to me, and the consensus of just being there for him is definitely the ideal route. I have a friend, my best friend mind you, who has expressed these same thoughts of suicide with me time and time again. Lately I have been digging deeper and deeper into my own mind and thought processes. Mainly by means of NLP practices. As anyone who knows these tactics and approaches, they can be extremely effective in unearthing the root causes of why we do the things we do. This can then give us the information we need to formulate a plan of attack to change course or at least push the ball in the right direction. (yes I know this literally playing with fire, but it is just how I operate. Every problem has a solution).

So what I did one night, and this was over text so I'm sure the impact was not that as it could have been with a face to face, but the results were a bit astonishing. After uncovering the route of these negative emotions and diminished self worth and the areas of his life that were lacking, I took the approach of pain association. Now mind you, this is a man who was self-proclaiming that he was "numb" to pain. At first. Upon a deeper dive, I found that was not entirely true. There were many areas of pain, though not the physical type of course. But of the emotional variety. Past events that shaped his life and world view, and his own self image. So first and foremost, we had to purge these, or at least make an attempt to. I mean this is one of the most important people in my life, I can't just let him slip away due to some toxic thoughts.

So we did, we covered why those things deep in his past were not things that should affect his current state of mind. The whys, the hows, and some exercises to make them less significant. That was the easy part in my mind, but we still had the elephant in the room. Suicide, the last thing any healthy able human being should be faced with. So I dug in. Why did he want it? Wouldn't it be painful? And of course, no, it would be painless was his response. For me, this would be the most painful thing in the world, the ceasing of life and the end of all you have ever and ever will know, feel, smell, taste, touch. But, I looked at it from his perspective. The thought had obviously been toyed with for some time as he was numb to it.

From there, I tried this exercise. I had him close his eyes, and envision his mother (whom he loves dearly and more than anyone) with great depth and detail, where she was, what she was wearing, to smell her perfume, and to focus on her face. When she received the call, that he had moved forward with his plan. The devastation, the pain, the agony. I called him after this and he was crying. The man immune to pain felt the pain of bringing pain to someone he cared deeply for. The association had formed, and the bottom had been reached. From there the goal was to rebuild. He needed purpose, to change his state, and to power out of the hole like a bat out of hell. We talked for hours about past times we shared together that were joyous and fun. His mindset coming out of this was positive, and receptive to change.

This isn't recommended for everyone by any means as everyone is different, and everyone has different connections and levels of trust and caring between one another. But in this case, I made a dedicated effort to help my best friend. To help him be the best he can be. It wasn't easy, and it isn't a cure. But it is progress. Progress towards helping someone I care deeply about, and I'd do anything to keep around and to make his life better.

Hopefully your friend will make it through this trial in his life and find his way. Well wishes!
 

TKDTyler

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This is an interesting topic to me, and the consensus of just being there for him is definitely the ideal route. I have a friend, my best friend mind you, who has expressed these same thoughts of suicide with me time and time again. Lately I have been digging deeper and deeper into my own mind and thought processes. Mainly by means of NLP practices. As anyone who knows these tactics and approaches, they can be extremely effective in unearthing the root causes of why we do the things we do. This can then give us the information we need to formulate a plan of attack to change course or at least push the ball in the right direction. (yes I know this literally playing with fire, but it is just how I operate. Every problem has a solution).

So what I did one night, and this was over text so I'm sure the impact was not that as it could have been with a face to face, but the results were a bit astonishing. After uncovering the route of these negative emotions and diminished self worth and the areas of his life that were lacking, I took the approach of pain association. Now mind you, this is a man who was self-proclaiming that he was "numb" to pain. At first. Upon a deeper dive, I found that was not entirely true. There were many areas of pain, though not the physical type of course. But of the emotional variety. Past events that shaped his life and world view, and his own self image. So first and foremost, we had to purge these, or at least make an attempt to. I mean this is one of the most important people in my life, I can't just let him slip away due to some toxic thoughts.

So we did, we covered why those things deep in his past were not things that should affect his current state of mind. The whys, the hows, and some exercises to make them less significant. That was the easy part in my mind, but we still had the elephant in the room. Suicide, the last thing any healthy able human being should be faced with. So I dug in. Why did he want it? Wouldn't it be painful? And of course, no, it would be painless was his response. For me, this would be the most painful thing in the world, the ceasing of life and the end of all you have ever and ever will know, feel, smell, taste, touch. But, I looked at it from his perspective. The thought had obviously been toyed with for some time as he was numb to it.

From there, I tried this exercise. I had him close his eyes, and envision his mother (whom he loves dearly and more than anyone) with great depth and detail, where she was, what she was wearing, to smell her perfume, and to focus on her face. When she received the call, that he had moved forward with his plan. The devastation, the pain, the agony. I called him after this and he was crying. The man immune to pain felt the pain of bringing pain to someone he cared deeply for. The association had formed, and the bottom had been reached. From there the goal was to rebuild. He needed purpose, to change his state, and to power out of the hole like a bat out of hell. We talked for hours about past times we shared together that were joyous and fun. His mindset coming out of this was positive, and receptive to change.

This isn't recommended for everyone by any means as everyone is different, and everyone has different connections and levels of trust and caring between one another. But in this case, I made a dedicated effort to help my best friend. To help him be the best he can be. It wasn't easy, and it isn't a cure. But it is progress. Progress towards helping someone I care deeply about, and I'd do anything to keep around and to make his life better.

Hopefully your friend will make it through this trial in his life and find his way. Well wishes!
I think one of the biggest and hardest things to deal with regarding depression and suicide is empathy. We really don't know what that feeling of numbness and emptiness is and the weight of constant self affirmations molding their perceived world.

You did a great job identifying your own perspective vs his perspective, and without manipulating his emotions, shifted his perspective from his lack of pain to the pain of others. Your empathy caused him to become empathetic himself. That's some really powerful stuff.
 

Rabelo

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i remember few years back when i was 15 years old my mom had suffered from depression for more than 3 years and had gone through endless fights with my dad...this became worse to such a point where she tried to commit suicide by hanging her self in her room....i was the only person who was up during those hours of the night, i was the one to cut off the hanging rope since my dad was at work....if i had been a minute late, i would have lost my mother,it made a huge unbearable pain watching my mom half unconscious and suffocating .... what i'm trying to say is,depression is real and never try to argue or act like superman, what you can do, tell them they matter and then show it.spend time with them...do whatever you can to show you love them and make them aware that help will always be available and this without any judgement or whatsoever.good luck. iam sorry about your friend..i wish him speedy recovery
 

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Tough situation to be in. Of the two friends I’ve had commit suicide, one I never saw coming. He was a normal, seemingly happy guy. His dad found him hanging in the garage after he didn’t show up for work. Some folks with issues that end this way go to great lengths to conceal it, and that was his case.

The second, I feel is related more to yours. He attempted suicide several times and was intervened. He hadn’t lost his job, but had inner issues, hated work and over several years got out on medical. He had bad depression and used alcohol and drugs to dull it. No matter what we did - went hunting with him, fishing, visited him often and kept him as close as possible, he would slip in and out of his spells. Talking to him when he was fine just led to diversion and the notion that “I’m alright, really, I’m fine. I was just having a rough spell, I’m good now.” Talking to him in the moment was very dramatic, it was everything you would expect when trying to race someone to an event that would end their life. It would start with a suspicion from his girlfriend that he wasn’t well. This was intermittent, you always had to make sure he was ok and check on him frequently, kept everyone on edge for years. Sometimes he would call drunk or doped up just to let you know that he loved you, starting the frantic episode to maintain control of him until you could get there.

He had all a man ever needed as far as family, friends, help and therapy, but eventually snuck around the corner one night and put a 12 gage under his chin.

Through this I learned that some folks just have personal demons and pain that creates an intense inner battle and a real urge to get out, and neither they or others can control it when it happens. I remember someone relating to Robin Williams when he killed himself, in the midst of everyone’s criticism. The person had battled the same illness all his life, describing it as “having to sneeze”. He said sometimes, he would get these feelings that lead up to an event. Very urgent feeling, akin to a sneeze building up. He said when this happened it was very hard to control the outcome, and for some people, it’s a very fast and dramatic reaction. They just have to sneeze. He said when he saw the news, that’s exactly how he related. Robin couldn’t hold it in, he finally sneezed.

If you care enough, you will immerse yourself in his life, be a positive force and include him in things that will normalize him and give him purpose. Don’t push, pull. He has to heal from his dad, focus on fixing that. Positive distraction and things to look forward to.

You also shouldn’t be on here asking us for permission to ignore it. If you don’t care enough to already be there, you probably can’t help him.

Best of luck, hope someone finds the strength to help him when he gets out.
 

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