Things must change...

[DJ Memarko]

Hello readers!
My name is Viktor. I am 19. To be honest, I am in a particularly bad situation and shape. Warning. This is not going to be your clasical fairitale of groving up. Brace yourself before I take you on a rough journey through my life to this point. Don't feel bad for me tho. That's not what I want and I feel gratefull for these bad but valuable life lessons. Besides I know there probably is somebody who had it way worse than me and I don't think of myself as a victim at all. I still have a lot to be happy with and grateful for despite the roughness. I know I can change my life around, and then even inspire and help others to do the same.

My height is 197cm (thats something like 6ft 5in). I am insanely skinny. I weight only around 70kg (154lb) despite how tall I am. I grew up quite rapidly resulting in slight curve in my spine. That can probably be still maybe even fixed, but first I need to gain significant amount of weight and muscle. Strenghtening my back muscles could be a way to even reverse my scoliosis or at least keep it from worsening. That is one of my bigges insecurities, fears and facts that just demotivate me form doing things I want. I wanted to build an esthetic physique from the age of 15, but thanks to awesome advice from my scripted peers I newer did almoat anything. "Why would you weight your food? You arent losing weight but gaining. You need to just eat everything and dont be picky. " Yesss thanks dad, you must be very right because now when I can I bought a weight, counted my caloric imput and found out that I am basically slowly dying and there is no way I am gaining weight on 1500 kcal/day. I can stomach more. I have low appetite. I didnt know... i found out THANKS TO WEIGHTING MY FOOD. Oh gees I am emotionaly charget rn just from writing this. Because how can bs like this keep me YEARS in a prison of confusion and stagnation. They also say:" no worries you will gain weight when you get older that's normal WAIT UNTIL YOU RE 30 and the you will see how quickly qou gain weight as your metabolism slows down " ARE YOU F****NG KIDDING ME??? This is seriously how people thing and they were infecting me with it. Even tho it effected me because people aroud you do effect you, I remained skeptical, I have seen people who have done better and I knew I can an dfor sure eventully also will. UNSCRIPTED is 10000000% accurate. Also my familly friends and were talking me out of going to gym cause I dont nees that right now. Gotta do them push ups and running first. Only professional athletes go to the gym. Also I should have gone to physical theraphy which I still didn't becauae of lazines, fear, comfort zone. On top of that I am generaly quite weak and seem to get sick easily. I also had very missaligned teeth which needed braces. I am very grateful for my nice beautifuly straight teeth that I now have thanks to the braces. I look kinda cool. Even keep my hair very long. I could do a joker costplay right now and it would be perfect...

Throughout my childhood my family was always poor meaning that I was almost never properly fed and taken care of in other ways. Though this was not like some third world country situation. I live in Slovakia. A beautifull slavic country in middle-eastern Europe... Whatever you can google-maps it...

My familly is a mess. I hope I didn't inherit some mad genes from them. Gotta have children with like a black woman or some hot latina idealy brasileira to increase the gene pool and stop bad shyt crazy from spreading... Altho most of crazy comes from not being thaught how to behave aaaaand... basicaly trauma... too big of a tangent and I am not qualified... My father is very abusive. He's 56. He gives off a vibe of unthrustworthiness. He is pretending to be nice most of the time but can scream a lot and just command me like a dog and scream beat a lot but usually resorts to beating only in rare situation where I rebel a lot and don't let him get away with his behaviour. Eventuely I give in under threat of being severely punished. I don't turn to a good obedient puppy. I turn inwards. I keep quiet. I stay mad. I distract myself with entertainment for next forever. I wait till he is not home. Till he is in work or soething. Then I can feel good and free. Being under one roof with him is constant pressure. We get along really well these bad situations are uncommon but not rare. When he is home we talk about science, sci-fi, space exploratiom, just cool stuff. We share these interests. In few sentences however he still mamages to make me mad. When I propose my idea he is quick to dissmis it. When I needed encouraging he never did that for me. He discouraged me a lot instead from everything I propose, like: I want to make a go kart, I wnat to make this and that and ven the working out: "no you need to ecercise, spin your arms like this 4 times, go running, go make your homevork and do stretching..." A looot of discouraging words. We have a very bad relationship to say the least. He just likes to be very ignorant of such matters tho. No regard to emotional side of things. Very narcisstic, suspicious, veird, unfuny, I dont know... I still cant help myself but love him and feel bad for him because he is my father for fork sake... I don't think I ever heard I love you from his mouth directed at me or just any sincere words for that mater.
My mother is very normal. Very nice, very strong person, very ambitious, beautifull, kind, empathetic. I have nothing but love for her. Altho she might be a bit damaged from what she vent throught. Oh boy, oh boy. Dont even let me start on that. That is some deeply MOT*********G F****D UP S*YT. There is no lighter way to put it. I wont even go into everything because that is some movie stuff. I want to retire her and protect her. But dont worry she is doing very well for herself right now. She has a very respectfull job in a skincare clinic. Very good boyfriend that I like that is also a respected kind of sucesfull person working for oil company doing himself a degree in some engineering I think. Oh and my mother also has a degree in pedagogy.

So yeah my parents divorced in 2019 and I almost went mad at that time. Septemver 2019 my girlfriend ender our relationship before that I had a very very bad high on weed that probably screved a lot with me. I was still quite fine. My parents argued like crazy. Both drunk, screaming at each other, breaking the house, chasing each other with knives and stuff all night until the morning. I stoicaly stood there just making sure they dont kill each other and let them went in cold autumn then winter night as this was going on more and more experiencing severe anxiety, heart pounding klenched throath. I maintained pokerface. Tryed to close doors tried to keep my sister out of it keep her asleep. Keep her form geting even more thraumatized knowing experiencing this was probably even vorse consequences for her than for me. Any time I heard them being louder I didnt go to sleep sooner than they ever. I always keeped one eye opened. When I heard them I snuck out of bed and hide somevhere so I can keep an eye on them but so they dont know I am keeping guard. I was sitting in that corner waiting what will happen. "Are they gonna sleep today or is the argument gonna ramp up to demolition again? Gees I will hide all of the knives and dangerous things so they dont do stupid..." One time my mother just passed out... I don't know what happened she was completelly iresponsive. Breathing very slowly. I had to call ambulance. Allegedly she took some pills. She went unconsciouss. I heard she had gallblader attack. Ambulabce took her I didnt see her for a long time. I still don't know if she wasnt trying to take her life or what the hell was that... Anyways she found a new home and boyfriend after being released from hospital after a week. Finaly devorced my father and took my sister to live in another town with her. I stayed with my father because of school and friends. Altho now I am mostly at my mothers place. I go back and forth.

My sister has (I wonder why) severe (daddy) issues. She falled for the lgbt virus and acts very veird. Altho she is one of the most sucesfull people in our family. Very good artist. Has uncany obssesion with art...

My brother is alcoholic, had an accident with gypsy girl. Her parents prohibiyed abortion. I love that acciden and I love my brother...

My and my siblings vere always bad to each other. We didnt have a good example so ve just vere very abusive to each other. I forgive them I forgive myself. I love both of them...

Back to 2019. In between my oarents arguing and finaly divorcing, I had bunch of anorher bad weed highs. My school performance plummited, I had to lear how to take care of myself. The varus started and I heard horifying news. All of this stress culminated to me starting having panick attacks. First it was only once a month and the always more and more frequent until at christmas hollidays 2019 I had like 10 a day and fas basically in constant anxiety. My social life wanished. Wasnt socializimg in school. Couldnt sleep and everything over all realy sucked. At the end of christmas holidays I met my old best friend. He came for a visit from Viena. His grandparents are my neighbours. Finaly after a lot of time he made me smile. I hanged out with him and I could feel better for a bit. Just had to put all of that crap asside to have a bit of good time with him. Finally I smiled I laughed. I was also trying to cover up what I feel infront of him.

When he went away back home to Viena everything returned. No sleep, panic attacks, stress... I never told my parents. I never told anybody. I realized, feeling this bad, this might be where other peole would even consider doing something bad to themselves. I had to finaly do something. It was 2020 at this point. I continued completelly neglecting school and friends. I finaly went to psychologist. He helped me and slowly I started to recover. Turns out what was keeping me in this was phone and a miriad of trigers from interned. I cut down. Learned hoe to relax. Experimented with supplements even cbd. I had made progress, then I was back to no sleep and panic attacks, then I made progress again and so on. I wstched a 2 and a half men. Laughed. Felt less and less anxious over time. I made myself tea and snuck mysel comfortably into couch. I tried to think positive. I tried to look forward with hope. I tried I tried I tried. I never stopped and I never will. I played Subnautica on a beefy computer at my fathers place. He let me chosse the components and build it. He just bought it. It was bavk when I was like 12 and situayion wasnt that bad. Its an awesome sci-fi survival game. I was inspired. Looking forvard to play it again after school. I cried from ave. I imagined how beautifull future could be if we could go amongst stars and set foot on another planet. This is why a game wasnt just a hyperrealistic distracition this time. Because it inspired me. Inspiration is never a vaste of time. Altho I was also playing minecraft and that is in fact just heroin virtual reality distraction copium. I started watching science and space channels on youtube again. Everyday astronaut, The Angry Astronaut, Fraser Cain and more. Getting even more inspired and ecvited about future. I watched live spacex launches. Looked up to Elon. I started wondering hoe he got there. How did he do it. "I also want to start a rocket company". I wanted to build that warp drive, build that colony. I knew these acomplishments were made by peole as simple as me.
Later I stardet watching self help channels I found what was scam and what was not. My bs meter is very sharp at this point. I started reading and finding the best books to solve my problems. Anxiety faded. Tho I still have a little of it and sti cant sleep still feel very unmotivated sometimes I lose drive. I graduated.
Later I was feeling prety good i decided to learn portuguese. I fell in love with brazil. I thought I maybe could go study into Brazil at University of Sao Paulo. Maybe I could get a stem degree and become an astronaut, colonist or just contribute to space exploration and humanity in any way. Maybe I could date hot brasileiras and have crazily outgoing brazilian friends. I knew I still have a lot to learn, a lot to change, a lot of unresolved problems. I know my familly also needs me and I know I can do it. Now I don't neceseraly want to escape to paradise, but for sure I need to try my best to become very sucessfull very quickly to create the freedom for pursuing something like that Brazil thing. And also to be able to contribute to great cause and alleviate all of the pain and weight from my mothers shoulders. Also prevent anything like I had experienced to hapen down my lineage and save others from such crap.

There is a ton more I could say and clarify, a ton of stuf I left out, but it's curently 5:30 and I need to finaly go to sleep. Been writing this for 3 hours. Couldnt sleep... Again... I dont go to school anymore I graduated highschool decided not to go to college. Things are real now. I am worying again. I am aduld. I have to change. I must build myself up now. Create my security. I am again down to 1 and 1/2 friends. Playing too much crapy games. Wasting time. Watching youtube. That's what kept me up tonight. I had to write this. Declare to myself that I am not about to waste time playing terraria anymore. Gotta hit the gim pr at least the pull up bar and finis reading the unscripted . (I am on page 350 of unscripted curently) But at least I made my first money. Around 3k$. I have freedom to imrove a lot.

I am looking forvard to improve and can't wait to see how far can I make it...

Ps: sorry for mistakes and whatnot ...

 

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