I need to leave the womb.

[whiz]

Hi. First things first: thanks to MJ and everyone else that have put their blood, sweat, and tears into this forum. I love this place and will read FLF until some of us are so old that there are posts about diaper recommendations. Now, to the issue at hand:

I am with a great girl. Been with her for over three years. I can get anything I want at any time. She is the embodiment of comfort. The nest, the womb; whatever you want to symbolize it with.

And that's the issue. I feel that every second I am with her is stolen from my self-development timeline. I truly enjoy being with her, but I am NOT happy as a person. There are some days where I am miserable, and then I get a hit of my dope (her) and forget about it for a night. I drink with her or we go somewhere and have a good time... we F*ck, we sleep in, and I'll leave and just be right back to where I was. Not taking action. Being stuck in limbo.

I understand this is NOT her issue but mine. But I feel like she assumes the role of an enabler. I feel like I have tainted our relationship by being emotionally dependent.

How can a relationship between two people be pure when there is dependence? If I can’t stand on my own, instead of learning, I grab a leg from another. Seems like a cop out, and it makes me wonder if this is what the majority of the married/nested population is founded on. Co-dependency.

Anyway, last time I posted, people brought up the point that I’m using her as a cop out for my own issues of inaction.

I understand that this IS the case. But I also do think there is truth that this relationship is enabling me.

I don’t enjoy the current state of my life and I need major change. But this relationship tricks my brain into getting enough “feel-good drugs” to keep me at bay. It’s like I’m getting just enough sun to maintain life but I’m not growing.

There is a great story of a shop owner that has a dog on the porch of his shop. The dog occassionally yelps out in pain and whines.

A customer asks “Why is the dog always yelping?”

The shop owner says “There’s a darn nail under him, right where he likes to lay”

“Well, why doesn’t he move?”, the customer asks.

The shop owner replies “Well, I guess it just don’t hurt bad enough.”

I feel like I am that dog. Suspended in space and time through the constructs and support that I allowed to hold up my ego.

So my questions for you guys:

1. I obviously need to end this relationship, correct? My thoughts around it just don’t seem healthy. I don’t like thinking like this.
2. How do I go about it? She has never wronged me. I respect her as a person and she respects me. Do I do the car talk? Do I wait until after X-Mas?

Thanks guys.

-whiz

EDIT: I think I either read about the dog story in TMF or someone here on FLF. 99% sure. Not trying to plagiarize! Sorry if I stole your work. It's just a great story that describes my life perfectly right now.

 

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[Tim Allen Jr.]

Playing devil's advocate here. Who is to say she's the problem? Because it really doesn't seem like she is. Seems like your comfortability is all you.

Here's another story.

There was a man who had such an important task to do. He was obsessed about getting this task done. But before he could full dedicate himself to that task he had to.....

Clean the house.... cus you can't start an important task with a dirty house.
He had to get groceries... cus what happens if you're doing the important task and you get hungry.
He had to get a new computer.... cus you can't do an important task on old shit.....
Had to find the perfect time to do something.... cus you can't do something when it's not the perfect time...

Question you gotta ask yourself is she really the problem or just another hurdle you're putting in front of yourself to not get started?

Also, she's not controlling your thoughts, you are.

 

[Deleted50669]

Hi. First things first: thanks to MJ and everyone else that have put their blood, sweat, and tears into this forum. I love this place and will read FLF until some of us are so old that there are posts about diaper recommendations. Now, to the issue at hand:

I am with a great girl. Been with her for over three years. I can get anything I want at any time. She is the embodiment of comfort. The nest, the womb; whatever you want to symbolize it with.

And that's the issue. I feel that every second I am with her is stolen from my self-development timeline. I truly enjoy being with her, but I am NOT happy as a person. There are some days where I am miserable, and then I get a hit of my dope (her) and forget about it for a night. I drink with her or we go somewhere and have a good time... we F*ck, we sleep in, and I'll leave and just be right back to where I was. Not taking action. Being stuck in limbo.

I understand this is NOT her issue but mine. But I feel like she assumes the role of an enabler. I feel like I have tainted our relationship by being emotionally dependent.

How can a relationship between two people be pure when there is dependence? If I can’t stand on my own, instead of learning, I grab a leg from another. Seems like a cop out, and it makes me wonder if this is what the majority of the married/nested population is founded on. Co-dependency.

Anyway, last time I posted, people brought up the point that I’m using her as a cop out for my own issues of inaction.

I understand that this IS the case. But I also do think there is truth that this relationship is enabling me.

I don’t enjoy the current state of my life and I need major change. But this relationship tricks my brain into getting enough “feel-good drugs” to keep me at bay. It’s like I’m getting just enough sun to maintain life but I’m not growing.

There is a great story of a shop owner that has a dog on the porch of his shop. The dog occassionally yelps out in pain and whines.

A customer asks “Why is the dog always yelping?”

The shop owner says “There’s a darn nail under him, right where he likes to lay”

“Well, why doesn’t he move?”, the customer asks.

The shop owner replies “Well, I guess it just don’t hurt bad enough.”

I feel like I am that dog. Suspended in space and time through the constructs and support that I allowed to hold up my ego.

So my questions for you guys:

1. I obviously need to end this relationship, correct? My thoughts around it just don’t seem healthy. I don’t like thinking like this.
2. How do I go about it? She has never wronged me. I respect her as a person and she respects me. Do I do the car talk? Do I wait until after X-Mas?

Thanks guys.

-whiz

EDIT: I think I either read about the dog story in TMF or someone here on FLF. 99% sure. Not trying to plagiarize! Sorry if I stole your work. It's just a great story that describes my life perfectly right now.

So,

As a vested student of psychology this sounds to me like a scenario that would benefit from referencing Mazlow's Hierarchy of needs. Here's a link for reference:

https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.jpg

If you're unfamiliar with this, the idea is you start at the bottom, and then your base needs are satisfied you crawl up the pyramid, striving to satisfy each subsequent level. Your girlfriend fulfills the safety, belongingness, and love needs (and to some extent, probably esteem). But you will not self-actualize if you do not recognize and treat self-actualization as a need.

As far as a strategy, it sounds to me like communication is key. She may not even know what you just described to us. And if she doesn't know, she won't have awareness of a need for change. Communication is taken for granted often, but it is the more common root cause of social entropy. If she's as awesome as you describe, she will seek to better understand this calling you have, and at least respect your need for space to operate (and perhaps even collaborate, I've met successful entrepreneurial couples).

That's my two cents,
Cheers