The Pain of seeing loved ones Lost within Darkness

[BaraQueenbee]

After sitting in the car with my (step)dad; I always used to look up to him.
He was super fastlaner.
He was the most innovative and "let's do this" person I've known in my life. (Past)
His light and energy would light up the whole room and he would add glitter to anything he spoke to or visited.
That light has been dimmed several years ago.

He is nothing more now than the shallow vessel of a person that has abandoned himself.
Full of regrets and "what's ifs".

This is the most painful thing to see. His ideas still pop up, but he just keeps saying "maybe you can take this idea Bara you can do this, no one will ever listen to me anymore".
I want to shake him awake: STOP DYING!!!!!! YOU SURVIVED CANCER AND ARE STRONG PHYSICALY GO GET IT YOURSELF!!

But it's nothing more than a wall I am talking to: negativity, despair, depression and external manipulation have gotten to him. I am trying to talk him into coming with me to the us in the spring, and drop him off at corporations and just talk to people. Experience a new environment and just get out of there.

Hollow. Dead.

He "died" at an age of 55 and God knows when he'll be buried. Horrible to see how he has changed.

What I did learn from him (more by seeing him living like this)

• he stopped after dozen of "no's". Note to self: KEEP GOING
• you'll never get everyones approval or have everyone on your side
• trying to being loved and appreciated by everyone is commiting spiritual suicide
• dont settle. GO GO GO
• And in the words of Jim Carrey "You can fail at something you hate, so you might as well go for the thing you believe in"

The more I talk to people here, or read, I realize many of us have people like this in our lives. Old friends, family, partners. And I wonder how to deal with it. The most I do have to say goodbye, or limit contact to VERY very little, because nothing is as draining as this.

This is indeed a rant, something I needed to write of me, for I know this group of people is one of the very few that will understand.

Hope you have an amazing day, and keep your eyes sparkling and open!

 

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[Supa]

I'm sorry to hear that Bara.. If you don't already know, you could try to figure out what made him change his mindset into this negativ one. Was it the Slowlane job, that took away his energy over the years and made him realize one day that he spent most of his life working a job he probably don't even enjoyed? Or did he has too many failures, that made him doubt himself and his actions and decisions?

 

[Mattie]

From my gerentology class, and being a nurse aide, I can tell you some people do go down this route. The natural process of understanding life is almost ending, and they sink into the depression. Think a lot of what they wished they had accomplished, versus what they have. Regrets, failures, successes, and triumphs. Some are more resilient and no matter what age and what's going on they'll work until they can't anymore. Even when I observed my grand parents I knew on one side they kept active with puzzles, reading, activities, fitness, until late in their 80's and the others side sat and watched television.

There is always a trigger event, and you may not even know what it was, but perhaps too, knowing he worked hard for something, it collapsed, or is gone. That's and emotional attachment, and believe it or not, he may have some grief and loss about it. I've watched people do this, the light dims, and they don't find a lot of purpose in anything. There's really nothing you can do, but take him out like you suggested. Share projects or ask him what he thinks. Although most of the time, some of them do stay negative and grumpy. I guess it just depends on your dad. Everyone of them is different. You have a diversity of elders that are bubbly, outgoing, and the victims, depressed ones like the rest of society. The ones that thrive seem to be the ones that have some sort of spiritual belief and some successful ones like in business. Not all of them. And you stated he had cancer. At times that does have a cause and effect on things as well.

 

[Vigilante]

After sitting in the car with my (step)dad; I always used to look up to him.
He was super fastlaner.
He was the most innovative and "let's do this" person I've known in my life. (Past)
His light and energy would light up the whole room and he would add glitter to anything he spoke to or visited.
That light has been dimmed several years ago.

He is nothing more now than the shallow vessel of a person that has abandoned himself.
Full of regrets and "what's ifs".

This is the most painful thing to see. His ideas still pop up, but he just keeps saying "maybe you can take this idea Bara you can do this, no one will ever listen to me anymore".
I want to shake him awake: STOP DYING!!!!!! YOU SURVIVED CANCER AND ARE STRONG PHYSICALY GO GET IT YOURSELF!!

But it's nothing more than a wall I am talking to: negativity, despair, depression and external manipulation have gotten to him. I am trying to talk him into coming with me to the us in the spring, and drop him off at corporations and just talk to people. Experience a new environment and just get out of there.

Hollow. Dead.

He "died" at an age of 55 and God knows when he'll be buried. Horrible to see how he has changed.

What I did learn from him (more by seeing him living like this)

• he stopped after dozen of "no's". Note to self: KEEP GOING
• you'll never get everyones approval or have everyone on your side
• trying to being loved and appreciated by everyone is commiting spiritual suicide
• dont settle. GO GO GO
• And in the words of Jim Carrey "You can fail at something you hate, so you might as well go for the thing you believe in"

The more I talk to people here, or read, I realize many of us have people like this in our lives. Old friends, family, partners. And I wonder how to deal with it. The most I do have to say goodbye, or limit contact to VERY very little, because nothing is as draining as this.

This is indeed a rant, something I needed to write of me, for I know this group of people is one of the very few that will understand.

Hope you have an amazing day, and keep your eyes sparkling and open!

Bring him to the fast lane meeting in Phoenix.

 

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[BaraQueenbee]

I'm sorry to hear that Bara.. If you don't already know, you could try to figure out what made him change his mindset into this negativ one. Was it the Slowlane job, that took away his energy over the years and made him realize one day that he spent most of his life working a job he probably don't even enjoyed? Or did he has too many failures, that made him doubt himself and his actions and decisions?

Thank you for the words!
I know where and how he lost his shine. And he knows it too. And he knows what the process is that needs to be done. Stuck out of fear.

From my gerentology class, and being a nurse aide, I can tell you some people do go down this route. The natural process of understanding life is almost ending, and they sink into the depression. Think a lot of what they wished they had accomplished, versus what they have. Regrets, failures, successes, and triumphs. Some are more resilient and no matter what age and what's going on they'll work until they can't anymore. Even when I observed my grand parents I knew on one side they kept active with puzzles, reading, activities, fitness, until late in their 80's and the others side sat and watched television.

There is always a trigger event, and you may not even know what it was, but perhaps too, knowing he worked hard for something, it collapsed, or is gone. That's and emotional attachment, and believe it or not, he may have some grief and loss about it. I've watched people do this, the light dims, and they don't find a lot of purpose in anything. There's really nothing you can do, but take him out like you suggested. Share projects or ask him what he thinks. Although most of the time, some of them do stay negative and grumpy. I guess it just depends on your dad. Everyone of them is different. You have a diversity of elders that are bubbly, outgoing, and the victims, depressed ones like the rest of society. The ones that thrive seem to be the ones that have some sort of spiritual belief and some successful ones like in business. Not all of them. And you stated he had cancer. At times that does have a cause and effect on things as well.

The cancer thing for a moment lived him up again. But the fact of not changing the external factors, dimmed it again. Stuck in fear. Still.

Bring him to the fast lane meeting in Phoenix.

My first thought: I can't even get him out of the house, let alone fly 4500 miles with me.
Then I hear the other voice: CHALLENGED ACCEPTED, we've done weirder stuff in life and it worked great (AND great idea!!!!)
(and thank you for the rep!)

 

[Vigilante]

Thank you for the words!
I know where and how he lost his shine. And he knows it too. And he knows what the process is that needs to be done. Stuck out of fear.



The cancer thing for a moment lived him up again. But the fact of not changing the external factors, dimmed it again. Stuck in fear. Still.



My first thought: I can't even get him out of the house, let alone fly 4500 miles with me.
Then I hear the other voice: CHALLENGED ACCEPTED, we've done weirder stuff in life and it worked great (AND great idea!!!!)
(and thank you for the rep!)

He has a lot of miles on him, and chances are he still has some things to say. He'd have fun.

 

[Blue1214]

Inspire him and do something great yourself. Show him it's still possible. It's hard to change someone's mindset, sometimes you have to nudge them in a way that will allow them to change it themselves without feeling forced .

And even if he never decides to pursue a business, or whatever idea, try to just enjoy your time together.

Slowly get him to talk about his feelings, dont be pushy - at all.

I went through something like this with my mother. She was smoking a lot (my mom smoking is something we would never imagine as kids), gaining weight even though she has health issues already and her attitude changed.

Everyone in the family would push her to "do something" "quit smoking" and my dad would get mad at her saying she's being selfish, etc.

One day I decided to sit with her on the porch... Not push her, not talk about the usual BS.. Just let her talk...connect with her.

I said "so smoking helps with stress huh?" (rather than nag about her smoking)
"yeah somewhat"
"well i dont want you to be stressed out mom... I guess if it really helps that's fine.. a lot of people do it... so what's bothering you anyway?"

suddenly she begins crying and telling me that she misses her father who passed away years ago and spends the next hour telling me stories.. I didn't say a word that whole time.

We went to cemetary to place flowers.

after that she completely changed. literally.

Sometimes people need to be heard. When someome is hurting inside all this business ,ideas and fastlane enjoy life to its fullest stuff really doesn't mean crap (no offense).

They don't need to be pushed, they need to release somehow.

If someone was at the edge of a cliff, you wouldn't save them by pushing them, you bring them towards you.

 

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[Bouncing Soul]

Two things come to mind-

1) I'm not sure how long ago he "beat" cancer or what his treatment was, but high dose corticosteroids are administered frequently during, and after, cancer treatment and have massive, terrible side effects including depression. It took a young family member years to get over this, and she had to lean heavily on the family during that time...the time the well-wishers and friends have stopped calling because they think the cancer is beaten and over, and life is back to normal, BTW.

2) My dad recently filed for Social Security after being a business owner my whole life; basically giving up after a recent downturn in his business. This has been really painful for me, extremely painful. I really get where you're coming from there. And at least for the Americans, you don't want to be a business owner your whole life and end up on Social Security as your main income, you'll be what is known as F*cked.

 

[BaraQueenbee]

Inspire him and do something great yourself. Show him it's still possible. It's hard to change someone's mindset, sometimes you have to nudge them in a way that will allow them to change it themselves without feeling forced .

And even if he never decides to pursue a business, or whatever idea, try to just enjoy your time together.

Slowly get him to talk about his feelings, dont be pushy - at all.

I went through something like this with my mother. She was smoking a lot (my mom smoking is something we would never imagine as kids), gaining weight even though she has health issues already and her attitude changed.

Everyone in the family would push her to "do something" "quit smoking" and my dad would get mad at her saying she's being selfish, etc.

One day I decided to sit with her on the porch... Not push her, not talk about the usual BS.. Just let her talk...connect with her.

I said "so smoking helps with stress huh?" (rather than nag about her smoking)
"yeah somewhat"
"well i dont want you to be stressed out mom... I guess if it really helps that's fine.. a lot of people do it... so what's bothering you anyway?"

suddenly she begins crying and telling me that she misses her father who passed away years ago and spends the next hour telling me stories.. I didn't say a word that whole time.

We went to cemetary to place flowers.

after that she completely changed. literally.

Sometimes people need to be heard. When someome is hurting inside all this business ,ideas and fastlane enjoy life to its fullest stuff really doesn't mean crap (no offense).

They don't need to be pushed, they need to release somehow.

If someone was at the edge of a cliff, you wouldn't save them by pushing them, you bring them towards you.

Beautifully said, thank you!

Two things come to mind-

1) I'm not sure how long ago he "beat" cancer or what his treatment was, but high dose corticosteroids are administered frequently during, and after, cancer treatment and have massive, terrible side effects including depression. It took a young family member years to get over this, and she had to lean heavily on the family during that time...the time the well-wishers and friends have stopped calling because they think the cancer is beaten and over, and life is back to normal, BTW.

2) My dad recently filed for Social Security after being a business owner my whole life; basically giving up after a recent downturn in his business. This has been really painful for me, extremely painful. I really get where you're coming from there. And at least for the Americans, you don't want to be a business owner your whole life and end up on Social Security as your main income, you'll be what is known as F*cked.

The cancer is now 2 years gone. And what a horrible journey it was. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Hope he finds the good, however it may look or wherever it may be!