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Need some personal advice on a very difficult, unusual question.

Arithen

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I'm asking this to all of you (strangers of the web) because out of any community, I've found more valuable information here than just about anywhere else. In the end, of course, the decision I'll make will be mine to make, but your input is welcome and valued.

Here's the scenario I would like you to hypothesise:
- You're 33, male, married, and have decided not to have children
- When you were out of the country and 18 years old you met your mother for the first time, she's friendly, older than you by 16 years, and tells you about your two half-sisters. You reroute your return flight to visit them for two weeks.
- You learn that she gave you up to adoption because she felt she couldn't provide a good enough life for you, and that the father never knew she was pregnant, was experimenting with drugs at the time, and had manipulative tendencies.
- You're 26 and sign up for 23andMe (a DNA testing service) with the sole intent of finding more information about potential medical predispositions. The relatives/family tree thing isn't important to you.
- You're 33 again and a woman who 23andMe believes is your aunt from your father's side messages you

She says:
"Hello [name]. I am not sure how to go about this, I thought I knew all my nieces and nephews. May I ask who your dad is?"

You respond:
"Not sure, I've never met him"

- You continue the conversation and confirm her brother is your father who only learned you existed two weeks prior.
- At this point, you're waiting to hear when/if he contacts you personally.

The Questions:
If you were in this situation:
- how would you feel? (if anything)
- what would you ask? (if anything)
- would you consider meeting them?

This was my weekend
 
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MJ DeMarco

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I'm asking this to all of you (strangers of the web) because out of any community, I've found more valuable information here than just about anywhere else. In the end, of course, the decision I'll make will be mine to make, but your input is welcome and valued.

Here's the scenario I would like you to hypothesise:
- You're 33, male, married, and have decided not to have children
- When you were out of the country and 18 years old you met your mother for the first time, she's friendly, older than you by 16 years, and tells you about your two half-sisters. You reroute your return flight to visit them for two weeks.
- You learn that she gave you up to adoption because she felt she couldn't provide a good enough life for you, and that the father never knew she was pregnant, was experimenting with drugs at the time, and had manipulative tendencies.
- You're 26 and sign up for 23andMe (a DNA testing service) with the sole intent of finding more information about potential medical predispositions. The relatives/family tree thing isn't important to you.
- You're 33 again and a woman who 23andMe believes is your aunt from your father's side messages you

She says:
"Hello [name]. I am not sure how to go about this, I thought I knew all my nieces and nephews. May I ask who your dad is?"

You respond:
"Not sure, I've never met him"

- You continue the conversation and confirm her brother is your father who only learned you existed two weeks prior.
- At this point, you're waiting to hear when/if he contacts you personally.

The Questions:
If you were in this situation:
- how would you feel? (if anything)
- what would you ask? (if anything)
- would you consider meeting them?

This was my weekend

This might seem obtuse, but what does it matter? These people might be "blood" but they weren't part of your life.

I never understood people's obsession to find out their biological, family tree.

Your life is what YOU make it.

Obsessing over someone in your family tree who was a mobster in 1921 has no impact on your life, and what you make of it.

If you lack family connections and are looking to create a family unit, then it might be worth something to pursue.

- how would you feel? (if anything)

I wouldn't feel anything, just a satisfied curiosity.

- what would you ask? (if anything)

I'd try to learn about my father, with only the reasoning to satisfy curiosity.

- would you consider meeting them?

Yes, if they are good people who will support your goals, and your desired future.

Otherwise, I'd treat them like anyone else, friends, colleagues, etc.
 

Arithen

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This might seem obtuse, but what does it matter? These people might be "blood" but they weren't part of your life.

I never understood people's obsession to find out their biological, family tree.

Your life is what YOU make it.

Obsessing over someone in your family tree who was a mobster in 1921 has no impact on your life, and what you make of it.

If you lack family connections and are looking to create a family unit, then it might be worth something to pursue.



I wouldn't feel anything, just a satisfied curiosity.



I'd try to learn about my father, with only the reasoning to satisfy curiosity.



Yes, if they are good people who will support your goals, and your desired future.

Otherwise, I'd treat them like anyone else, friends, colleagues, etc.

Well said, and I feel the same way. My only reason for doing 23andMe was for the medical side of things. I'm not a very family-oriented person to begin with, I have had no inclination to seek out long-lost relatives (of which all of mine fall under that category), and I've built my life and personality myself.

I feel that the only potential benefit from interacting with these people would be new opportunities. But, I recognize that is very slim.
 

LateStarter

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This might seem obtuse, but what does it matter? These people might be "blood" but they weren't part of your life.
I think there's a bigger piece to this MJ, or maybe even 2.

@eliquid has a thread about personality tests and finding out what makes you tick, in order to align yourself with the world and opportunities. Along the same lines, I think there's a lot to be said about understanding yourself and one's own congruence as a part of a family unit.

Most kids grow up and can see their own traits in at least one of the parents. Some of these are nurtured while others are simply inherited. I am not adopted, but my brother-in-law is so this is all anecdotal. For him, this lack of congruence (and lack of medical history) are what prompted him to seek out his birth parents. When he found them he was able to understand a lot more about himself and why he is the person he has become.

This also gave him a better feeling of connectedness and sense of belonging as a human. As much as he loved and appreciated his adopted family he always felt like the odd one out. Like a orphan of society that was brought into other people's lives but having no other connection out there in the world. Biologically there had to be more out there for him; there had to be direct connection with history, culture, people that has persisted since humanity itself. Without it, he wouldn't be here! Practically and theologically speaking, we are all the culmination of our history and having that connection, knowing that connection, can provide inner existential peace.
 
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Arithen

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I think there's a bigger piece to this MJ, or maybe even 2.

@eliquid has a thread about personality tests and finding out what makes you tick, in order to align yourself with the world and opportunities. Along the same lines, I think there's a lot to be said about understanding yourself and one's own congruence as a part of a family unit.

Most kids grow up and can see their own traits in at least one of the parents. Some of these are nurtured while others are simply inherited. I am not adopted, but my brother-in-law is so this is all anecdotal. For him, this lack of congruence (and lack of medical history) are what prompted him to seek out his birth parents. When he found them he was able to understand a lot more about himself and why he is the person he has become.

This also gave him a better feeling of connectedness and sense of belonging as a human. As much as he loved and appreciated his adopted family he always felt like the odd one out. Like a orphan of society that was brought into other people's lives but having no other connection out there in the world. Biologically there had to be more out there for him; there had to be direct connection with history, culture, people that has persisted since humanity itself. Without it, he wouldn't be here! Practically and theologically speaking, we are all the culmination of our history and having that connection, knowing that connection, can provide inner existential peace.
In my experience, I have absolutely no sense of connection to anyone (other than my wife), especially my adopted family. From personality to interests to intelligence to creative pursuits, nothing is remotely the same. Unlike your brother, I didn't have any drive to find either parent. But, I did find that when I met my mother there were clear similarities; which I found very interesting because I had previously considered personality to be influenced more significantly by one's environment than it had (in my case at least).

I can certainly relate to your brother's sense of being the odd one out, and I suspect it's persuaded my disinterest in social activities to an extent. I don't feel like any of that has changed after meeting my mother, even though I immediately felt a stronger connection with her and my half-sisters, but from what little I know about my father, it seems unlikely I would feel anything at all meeting him; of course, I can only assume.

Why I've asked this question is to see how others believe they would act in a similar situation and discover potential avenues that I might not have considered in my own pursuit of a decision.
 
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mamamargaux

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A weekend of revelations, Arithen.
If my biological father wants to meet with me, I would meet him, just to quell my curiosity. I would be nervous and not expect anything, except maybe anticipate tears and regrets.
On one side, MJ has a point when he said Your life is what YOU make of it. You did not know them or grow up with them for 33 years. Meeting them will not change anything probably give you awareness that you came from them. If you are firm with who you are, nothing will sway you otherwise. Good luck and take care. Would like to know what happens... you know to quell my curiosity
 

Retr0

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This might seem obtuse, but what does it matter? These people might be "blood" but they weren't part of your life.

I never understood people's obsession to find out their biological, family tree.

Your life is what YOU make it.

Obsessing over someone in your family tree who was a mobster in 1921 has no impact on your life, and what you make of it.

If you lack family connections and are looking to create a family unit, then it might be worth something to pursue.



I wouldn't feel anything, just a satisfied curiosity.



I'd try to learn about my father, with only the reasoning to satisfy curiosity.



Yes, if they are good people who will support your goals, and your desired future.

Otherwise, I'd treat them like anyone else, friends, colleagues, e

I'm asking this to all of you (strangers of the web) because out of any community, I've found more valuable information here than just about anywhere else. In the end, of course, the decision I'll make will be mine to make, but your input is welcome and valued.

Here's the scenario I would like you to hypothesise:
- You're 33, male, married, and have decided not to have children
- When you were out of the country and 18 years old you met your mother for the first time, she's friendly, older than you by 16 years, and tells you about your two half-sisters. You reroute your return flight to visit them for two weeks.
- You learn that she gave you up to adoption because she felt she couldn't provide a good enough life for you, and that the father never knew she was pregnant, was experimenting with drugs at the time, and had manipulative tendencies.
- You're 26 and sign up for 23andMe (a DNA testing service) with the sole intent of finding more information about potential medical predispositions. The relatives/family tree thing isn't important to you.
- You're 33 again and a woman who 23andMe believes is your aunt from your father's side messages you

She says:
"Hello [name]. I am not sure how to go about this, I thought I knew all my nieces and nephews. May I ask who your dad is?"

You respond:
"Not sure, I've never met him"

- You continue the conversation and confirm her brother is your father who only learned you existed two weeks prior.
- At this point, you're waiting to hear when/if he contacts you personally.

The Questions:
If you were in this situation:
- how would you feel? (if anything)
- what would you ask? (if anything)
- would you consider meeting them?

This was my weekend
Well don't be trapped by your past....even if it indirectly affects you....what's done is done.....you didn't choose to be born in that situation....but you do choose to be trapped by that past
...move on and establish something better for yourself
 
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fridge

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I agree with MJ on this - not to be callous, but it doesn't matter at all.

In this specific situation, I wouldn't spend any time at all reaching out to anyone from the family. I may be bit of an outlier and outsider though - I'm the black sheep on both sides of my family.

If I was in this position, I'd recognize there's a tendency to want to reach out, to have a conclusion to the story that I've built in my own head. That's normal and actually nothing to worry about. In essence, based off what happened, you've likely developed several cognitive biases that you still live with to this day based off what happened. That's OK, but you have to understand your family won't help with that.

A lot of kids who go through abandonment (which you have due to a lack of father figure) are going to develop some problems (especially adult feelings of isolation, loneliness, depression, substance abuse, and more). I'm not saying you've went or are going through that, but you're more likely to, and when/if you do go through that you may subconsciously think that the answer is family. You say you only have a closeness to your wife - this isn't uncommon at all based off your story.

Seeking answers from the outside party - potential family - won't help.. If I didn't understand or read this correctly, then please ignore my advice. But from my point of view, your self progress, healing, and understanding of the world is going to come from within.
 

Arithen

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A weekend of revelations, Arithen.
If my biological father wants to meet with me, I would meet him, just to quell my curiosity. I would be nervous and not expect anything, except maybe anticipate tears and regrets.
On one side, MJ has a point when he said Your life is what YOU make of it. You did not know them or grow up with them for 33 years. Meeting them will not change anything probably give you awareness that you came from them. If you are firm with who you are, nothing will sway you otherwise. Good luck and take care. Would like to know what happens... you know to quell my curiosity
I believe the reaction you're describing is probably how most people would react, which is a healthy way to respond to it, I think.

The reason I asked this is that I don't feel any of those things, and I don't believe my reaction to the situation is normal, so I wanted to see how others may handle the situation, but it's good to see the variety of responses here. I don't expect anything, and I certainly won't be tearing up or regretting anything myself; perhaps he will? Hopefully not though, haha.

I'm not particularly curious about him, but I am very curious about the biological and psychological side of things. It seems like it would be a good opportunity to discover what may potentially be hereditary personality traits vs environmentally created ones. For instance, when I met my mother I was surprised that, at least in my case, my laugh was hereditary; something I wasn't expecting.

If I was in this position, I'd recognize there's a tendency to want to reach out, to have a conclusion to the story that I've built in my own head. That's normal and actually nothing to worry about. In essence, based off what happened, you've likely developed several cognitive biases that you still live with to this day based off what happened. That's OK, but you have to understand your family won't help with that.

A lot of kids who go through abandonment (which you have due to a lack of father figure) are going to develop some problems (especially adult feelings of isolation, loneliness, depression, substance abuse, and more). I'm not saying you've went or are going through that, but you're more likely to, and when/if you do go through that you may subconsciously think that the answer is family. You say you only have a closeness to your wife - this isn't uncommon at all based off your story.

Seeking answers from the outside party - potential family - won't help.. If I didn't understand or read this correctly, then please ignore my advice. But from my point of view, your self progress, healing, and understanding of the world is going to come from within.
Fortunately, I have never felt a sense of abandonment, resentment, or animosity, or had the desire to reach out. As you pointed out, that's not entirely common to feel (or lack the feelings) the way I do. And I agree with you and MJ's remarks, I don't feel it would make any difference meeting this person, at least for my benefit.
 
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