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alexkuzmov

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Aaaah family, the ultimate clusterfuck of emotions...
What do you do when you openly talk with your parents about their absence in your life and in the life of their grandchild when all they do is shake their head and raise their shoulders saying: "When? I`m too tired, there is not enough time."?
Time...
I see that my dads`plan is to work until death, he`ll be 65 in a month, already on pension but still working because money never seems to be enough.
He wont admit it. At this point I think that he`s waiting for that "golden" time to come, but it never will.
My mom plans to work 4 more years in a soul destroying public service job (its awful trying to deal with the public when they come almost always in a bad mood) until pension.
"You might not be alive in 4 years, this is the time to be a part of your grandsons life" - I say
"I have no other plan, what will I do without pension" - she says.

Its like an endless circle of excuses.
Any attempt I make to reach out to them gets shut down with either "I`m too tired" or "There is no time"

"We have no ideas. How do you come up with business ideas?" - they ask me.
"I dont know, I try I fail, read books, listen to people complaining about their problems.."
when my mom interupts "I hear people complaing all day, ALL DAY, when I finish for the day I dont want to talk with anyone, let alone listen to more problem, I hate people"

I might be in the wrong here, but I see this often, not just in my parents.
No, I havent unscripted yet, but I feel like my mind is free and I SEE.
So many elderly people are bitter, tired and hate other people, their job, their day to day.
Robbed of energy and time.
So much so, that they can barely muster the will to be a part of their family.

Some advice, a pick me up, funny video or dank meme would be appreciated.
 

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alexkuzmov

alexkuzmov

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Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Sep 20, 2019
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Bulgaria
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0csrAjchT4


If people don't have the will to change, then they won't put in the effort. It's possible to convince them to, and I wish you luck in this regard, but, well.......forcement is futile.
They might be too far gone at this point, not sure.
I feel like they`ve forgotten why they work in the first place.
Prioritizing work over family every time.
 

ZF Lee

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"We have no ideas. How do you come up with business ideas?" - they ask me.
"I dont know, I try I fail, read books, listen to people complaining about their problems.."
when my mom interupts "I hear people complaing all day, ALL DAY, when I finish for the day I dont want to talk with anyone, let alone listen to more problem, I hate people"
It's important to note that we are to listen to the RIGHT kind of complaints i.e. complaints rich in pointing out pain-points of existing solutions or specific expectations of help.

Complaints that are fluff, too general (e.g. 'That tool works great!'), trolling, shaming (e.g. 'You are a menace and a shame to society!') of course don't make the cut.

And not all places are ideal to receive quality market feedback.

I can imagine folks coming to a public services office merely want to quickly get things done and leave, which may leave the quality of complaints somewhat questionable...

So many elderly people are bitter, tired and hate other people, their job, their day to day.
Robbed of energy and time.
So much so, that they can barely muster the will to be a part of their family.
The truth is that starting the self-employment route will be as tiring as regular 9-5 work, if not more exhausting.

That's because your folks would be learning new skills.
Skills that can be real alien at first.

You could recommend some starter ideas to your elders like reselling/arbitrage on Facebook or even consulting (I see some older folks around me sell mutual funds...it has a relatively high entry barrier with paid training and finance knowledge needed. I bought some mutual funds from them, but I do read the financials personally and make my own moves haha.)

Do your folks still have weekends?
Jobs with pensions should have some agreed break-days.

It would be great to try to spend some quality time with them on those days.
A 2-hour convo on anything besides work. A walk in the park. An afternoon drive.
Let them know they aren't alone.
Maybe that'll help ease them a bit.
 

Solomon Kim

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Oct 25, 2019
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I know first hand how frustrating it can be when you try your hardest to help out someone and the retaliation is sharp rejection. Whether that is offering a new perspective, letting them vent, lending money, etc. This is what I would advise you after doing everything and back for my loved ones (often leading to compounding negativity).

You come first in your life. Not your parents. Not your siblings. IT'S ALWAYS YOU FIRST. It is not your job to bombard your perspective onto other people if they don't resonate with it. I understand that you're only trying to share that there is a "better" way. That there is a ticket out of being in a loop of a zombie-like existence. However, the reality is that most people are destined to never think like you.

The script and conditioning that they've internalized are so deeply buried in their subconscious that they don't even realize it. They are misery. They are constant stress and tiredness. The only way for them to truly change is if THEY WANT IT. Not you. Chances are that since they're older, they have chosen to ignore past potential catalysts for success that could have been leveraged.

Focus on you. Focus on your journey. There is no point in sharing when you're going to get shot down and mess up your flow.
 
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alexkuzmov

alexkuzmov

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Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
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Sep 20, 2019
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Bulgaria
It's important to note that we are to listen to the RIGHT kind of complaints i.e. complaints rich in pointing out pain-points of existing solutions or specific expectations of help.

Complaints that are fluff, too general (e.g. 'That tool works great!'), trolling, shaming (e.g. 'You are a menace and a shame to society!') of course don't make the cut.

And not all places are ideal to receive quality market feedback.

I can imagine folks coming to a public services office merely want to quickly get things done and leave, which may leave the quality of complaints somewhat questionable...


The truth is that starting the self-employment route will be as tiring as regular 9-5 work, if not more exhausting.

That's because your folks would be learning new skills.
Skills that can be real alien at first.

You could recommend some starter ideas to your elders like reselling/arbitrage on Facebook or even consulting (I see some older folks around me sell mutual funds...it has a relatively high entry barrier with paid training and finance knowledge needed. I bought some mutual funds from them, but I do read the financials personally and make my own moves haha.)

Do your folks still have weekends?
Jobs with pensions should have some agreed break-days.

It would be great to try to spend some quality time with them on those days.
A 2-hour convo on anything besides work. A walk in the park. An afternoon drive.
Let them know they aren't alone.
Maybe that'll help ease them a bit.
I'll take note of the quality of the complaints, didnt think to filter them based on that before.

As for weekends, yea they have weekends.
Fat chance to get them to do anything though... weekend rejection is "I'm too tired", weekday rejection is "There is no time"
In the back of my mind I'm thinking that they just dint want to do anything outside of wotk and chores.
Dont want to believe it, but it might be true.
Convincing them to take a walk or go somwhere close outside the city for a lunch is like pulling teeth and happens so rarely that its become almost like a burden.
They might be tired of living, I dont know...
 

Einfamilienhaus

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I understand your point of view towards your parents but you have to understand that our parents have been raised in a different time with different social conditions and governmental education.

I can see from your profile that you are from Bulgaria, so I will make the assumption that your parents has been born and raised in the old Soviet Union back in the days.

Think about it. As a proud member of the Working Class you just have done your work. Without questioning why. You let others decide for your wealth, health and security. There wasn't an "I" inside the socialistic society. Only "We". Which was in true ruled by a small group called "Us". Which was ruled by one leader called "I". This is the problem I see by many people of my parents friends have who have been raised also in the Soviet Union. Back in the days you just paid 3 Rubel for your rent which was maybe 2% of your income. Now you have to pay 600€ which is 30 - 50% of your income for example. They have serious problems to survive in a "free capitalistic world"Because there is no government anymore that protects and decides for you. Now you have to decide everything by your own, take responsibility by your own and you have no one to blame for.

Thanks to the experience of my parents and their friends from old days I understood that back in the socialistic society you had two parents. When you was small you had your biological parents. Later the government. Unfortunately many people don't want to grow up that's why they blame the government for their bad decisions.

The reason why our parents maybe have this mentality like you described in your post, is because their governmental parents are dead now and they have to survive by their own. And when you feel lost, you do what you have learned to have the security to do something right or at least to survive. Unfortunately in the case of our parents it means to keep the mouth shut and do the daily grind even in the worst possible conditions.

Maybe the example above is not an understandle one since your parents will definitely made different experiences in life. But what I try to tell you is that, when you would have been born into the same conditions like them, you would think like them.

When we are children we accept everything our parents do as the only truth. The more we grow up, the more we understand that our parents are human beings too. They do the life they have been teached to.

Maybe you are on the breaking point in your life to see your parents more "humanized". Instead of the ultimate "Truth Giver" or even worse to see them as your enemies who will hold back from your luck and the life you think you deserve.
 

BellaPippin

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You know, I typed the same rant just a few days ago, I just didn't post it. You described my parents too, mom in soul crushing public service job (retiring after this year, I think, she's 60) And my dad's life has always been his call as a surgeon. He is teaching university medical students, and nothing makes him more alive than making powerpoint presentations to teach/present. Mind you, this is something I've just come to embrace like, last year. He's 62, and although I haven't heard any mention of retirement I'm pretty sure he's gonna do what he does until he can't anymore.

Looking at my paragraph I realize that I accept it more from my dad, because being a medic has always been his calling. Nothing makes him more proud than getting another certification. But it always broke my spirit to see my mom not do anything with her life.

When I was young, and I mean 3 or 4, she stopped teaching middle school as the neighborhood got dangerous, she got together with a couple of her bff's from high school and, along with her day job (the city hall service one) they made a birthday party place for kids. As the economy got worse and worse they eventually had to close. After that it was only her day job, be off at 3, run errands, and call it a day, watching Law and Order with my dad ad infinitum since I've been idk... 15. Hell I couldn't even get them to change series.

I'll give her that these days she has to take care of all my grandma's estate and elderly home payments, refill her meds, and that drains her emotionally a lot. But she's been like this since I have a memory.

Here's the pill I'm still trying to swallow myself:

That's the life they want to have (unless they win the lottery, who knows what would happen then). I know that if I tell my therapist she's going to tell me "how do you know they are not content." They probably are...I know my mom has been unhappy in her marriage, my home was always on the brink of a hurricane but she never had the guts to do anything about it. She gave up. Honestly she gave up on life long ago, she just exists IMO. And that breaks my heart.

To add another layer to this mental f*ckup, I'm constantly feeling guilty of the things I achieve, or that I have here in the US, a developed country, when I hear a friend say "I got a car!" and it's a '94. To give an example. Not because I don't think I deserve it, but because I wish soooo much that they could experience success and a more comfortable life too. My uncle sent me a downloaded movie recently out of the blue and I caught myself thinking... "I could probably rent this in HD for 3.99 somewhere" but why can't he?

But you won't see him sad about it, it's just the way life is there. Why it affects me so much idk but it's the source of a lot of unnecessary sadness.

Sorry if I derailed the thread with my TED talk but I think it's just who they are. We reflect our feeling onto them, we don't want to end that way, we don't like that way of life, so we feel bad for them.. They will not change. At least not unless it's born from within.

The healthiest thing we can do, as they noted above, is to just let go of trying to control others, change them, and let them take their own decisions, as difficult as it may be.
 

Jon L

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I gave up a long time ago trying to change or expect anything from my parents. And, you know what? I have a better relationship with them now than I did before. Its not what I want, but its better.

What do I do in its place? I parent my kids the way I wanted to be parented as a kid. When my kids have kids, both my wife and I will be there for them. Still, though, I'm not perfect, and my kids will have scars from their growing up experience that they'll need to deal with later on. That's the circle of life.
 
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alexkuzmov

alexkuzmov

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Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
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Sep 20, 2019
397
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Bulgaria
I understand your point of view towards your parents but you have to understand that our parents have been raised in a different time with different social conditions and governmental education.

I can see from your profile that you are from Bulgaria, so I will make the assumption that your parents has been born and raised in the old Soviet Union back in the days.

Think about it. As a proud member of the Working Class you just have done your work. Without questioning why. You let others decide for your wealth, health and security. There wasn't an "I" inside the socialistic society. Only "We". Which was in true ruled by a small group called "Us". Which was ruled by one leader called "I". This is the problem I see by many people of my parents friends have who have been raised also in the Soviet Union. Back in the days you just paid 3 Rubel for your rent which was maybe 2% of your income. Now you have to pay 600€ which is 30 - 50% of your income for example. They have serious problems to survive in a "free capitalistic world"Because there is no government anymore that protects and decides for you. Now you have to decide everything by your own, take responsibility by your own and you have no one to blame for.

Thanks to the experience of my parents and their friends from old days I understood that back in the socialistic society you had two parents. When you was small you had your biological parents. Later the government. Unfortunately many people don't want to grow up that's why they blame the government for their bad decisions.

The reason why our parents maybe have this mentality like you described in your post, is because their governmental parents are dead now and they have to survive by their own. And when you feel lost, you do what you have learned to have the security to do something right or at least to survive. Unfortunately in the case of our parents it means to keep the mouth shut and do the daily grind even in the worst possible conditions.

Maybe the example above is not an understandle one since your parents will definitely made different experiences in life. But what I try to tell you is that, when you would have been born into the same conditions like them, you would think like them.

When we are children we accept everything our parents do as the only truth. The more we grow up, the more we understand that our parents are human beings too. They do the life they have been teached to.

Maybe you are on the breaking point in your life to see your parents more "humanized". Instead of the ultimate "Truth Giver" or even worse to see them as your enemies who will hold back from your luck and the life you think you deserve.
You got some of the facts about Bulgaria correct, but thats OK :D, no worries.

Maybe you are on the breaking point in your life to see your parents more "humanized"

I think thats it. I just havent been able to put it into words, but thats exactly correct.
Its a slow and gradual process, but I think I`m at that point, yes.
They have so little left to teach me, if anything at all.
What knowledge they have is mostly outdated and they refuse to renew it.
Well, I guess I`m on my own, got my own family now :)
 

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alexkuzmov

alexkuzmov

Silver Contributor
Read Millionaire Fastlane
I've Read UNSCRIPTED
Speedway Pass
Sep 20, 2019
397
518
238
Bulgaria
You know, I typed the same rant just a few days ago, I just didn't post it. You described my parents too, mom in soul crushing public service job (retiring after this year, I think, she's 60) And my dad's life has always been his call as a surgeon. He is teaching university medical students, and nothing makes him more alive than making powerpoint presentations to teach/present. Mind you, this is something I've just come to embrace like, last year. He's 62, and although I haven't heard any mention of retirement I'm pretty sure he's gonna do what he does until he can't anymore.

Looking at my paragraph I realize that I accept it more from my dad, because being a medic has always been his calling. Nothing makes him more proud than getting another certification. But it always broke my spirit to see my mom not do anything with her life.

When I was young, and I mean 3 or 4, she stopped teaching middle school as the neighborhood got dangerous, she got together with a couple of her bff's from high school and, along with her day job (the city hall service one) they made a birthday party place for kids. As the economy got worse and worse they eventually had to close. After that it was only her day job, be off at 3, run errands, and call it a day, watching Law and Order with my dad ad infinitum since I've been idk... 15. Hell I couldn't even get them to change series.

I'll give her that these days she has to take care of all my grandma's estate and elderly home payments, refill her meds, and that drains her emotionally a lot. But she's been like this since I have a memory.

Here's the pill I'm still trying to swallow myself:

That's the life they want to have (unless they win the lottery, who knows what would happen then). I know that if I tell my therapist she's going to tell me "how do you know they are not content." They probably are...I know my mom has been unhappy in her marriage, my home was always on the brink of a hurricane but she never had the guts to do anything about it. She gave up. Honestly she gave up on life long ago, she just exists IMO. And that breaks my heart.

To add another layer to this mental f*ckup, I'm constantly feeling guilty of the things I achieve, or that I have here in the US, a developed country, when I hear a friend say "I got a car!" and it's a '94. To give an example. Not because I don't think I deserve it, but because I wish soooo much that they could experience success and a more comfortable life too. My uncle sent me a downloaded movie recently out of the blue and I caught myself thinking... "I could probably rent this in HD for 3.99 somewhere" but why can't he?

But you won't see him sad about it, it's just the way life is there. Why it affects me so much idk but it's the source of a lot of unnecessary sadness.

Sorry if I derailed the thread with my TED talk but I think it's just who they are. We reflect our feeling onto them, we don't want to end that way, we don't like that way of life, so we feel bad for them.. They will not change. At least not unless it's born from within.

The healthiest thing we can do, as they noted above, is to just let go of trying to control others, change them, and let them take their own decisions, as difficult as it may be.
I know what you mean.
And yea, it is a source of unnecessary saddness.
It`ll probably stop at one point though.
 

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