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RANT Wiping the slate clean

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Ninjakid

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Be warned, this is kind of a long rant about life.

About a year and a half ago I was extremely motivated. The fire of desire was burning bright within me. I was part of a startup which I was determined I could make successful, I was keeping my own finances afloat with several freelance gigs, I was teaching myself new skills etc. etc. Hell I even decided, "you know what? I'll get a university degree. It will make my parents happy, and it will just be proof that I can do anything I decide to do."

I put myself into full warrior mode. I cut out pretty much every activity that wasn't related to my work, studying. Oftentimes I didn't go outside for days at a time, and had little contact with friends. I found if I couldn't complete all my goals in a day, I could just cut out sleep, because who needs that anyways, right? My motivation was on overdrive, I felt a sort of perpetual optimism about the future. Also, my mom was starting college to become a nurse, so I moved in with her to help her financially, with homework and raising my sister and such.

Well raging fires need lots of oxygen and when they don't have that, they just die.

I couldn't figure out why it was getting harder and harder to motivate myself. I just started to feel tired and lethargic all the time. I figured maybe I'd take a short break from everything, come back to it later. Nope still the same. Suddenly even simple tasks became a challenge to concentrate on. I knew I could manage my time correctly and be able to study for my classes. Nope. I would be staring at my books for hours on the same page while the universe around me fades into a blur; all the while the background processes in my brain were saying I should be focusing on my business. So I decided screw it, never liked school anyway. Dropped my courses, and figured I'd have more time to work.

Then I realize, I can't concentrate on that either. Okay now this really sucks. It's taking me way longer than it should to complete work for clients, and I'm not taking jobs as often. My bank account no likey (I've always liked to spend money tbh). Next to that, trying to deal with my partners in my startup, as we can't seem to agree on a direction to take. Long story short, I bid them adieu, and realized how much I didn't like the lack of control anyways.

So now that I have more time on my hands I decided I can get back to work, build some steady income, and save some money while I decide what to do with other areas of my life. But I was having the same problems. I went to see a doctor because I have no idea wth was wrong with with me. My thinking was it was my tourettes acting up, but I wanted to get referred to a specialist to find out for sure. The doctor I saw referred me to a psychiatrist who said I have mild depression, but it didn't seem bad enough that I needed medication.

Later on, only thanks to a family friend I got to see a neurologist, who said I seem to have ADHD, and gave me some medication for that. It seemed to help a bit at first, but I still had a lot of trouble motivating myself, and every day just seemed gloomy and miserable. So I'm weaning myself off of them because I never wanted to be reliant on meds anyways.

It may sound like everything is negative, but it's not the case. I've had lots of time for self-reflection and I'm learning to be a more compassionate person. Before I was pretty hot-headed individual and damaged many close relationships because of it. But I've really decided I don't want to be the kind of person that brings others down; I want to uplift them and make their lives better.

No one around seems to have an idea of what's wrong with me. But it kind of dawned on me a while back that I may just burned out. I did some research about burnout and I match pretty much all the criteria: was highly motivated and working myself to death before, now everything just seems pointless and stagnant. I have no energy throughout the day even if I manage to get a decent sleep, and I view everything I was pursuing with a layer of pessimism.

So why did I title this thread "Wiping the slate clean?" Because that's exactly what I'm doing now. I'm dropping all my projects, all my beliefs and habits, and any plans I made for the future. I'm just going to accept my current reality as it is, which is something that's really hard to do at times. Not sure how I'm going to make money at the moment, but I think I can afford to take some time off for now.

Thanks everyone for listening. I don't really like to talk about myself, but I'm hoping me doing so will help anyone who's experienced something similar. I really think it's important to take care of yourself first, and not just hustle to you mentally and physically fall apart.

If you made it this far, here's a picture of one of my swords, for no reason at all :p

Now I'm going to go outside under the beautiful night sky and look at the stars to remind myself of the miracle of life and small everything we think that's important really is.
 

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ExcelGuy

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Nice sword. I hope the break gets you the piece of mind and rest that you need.

But really reconsider the importance of medication. There are age points in life when depression or other forms of mental illness become prevalent. My godson had a psychotic episode when he was a teenager, and 10 years later he's still not back to his old self.

I struggled with this too when I went on anti-anxiety / anti-depressants 4 years ago and felt like it was a weakness. It's not. That's the stigma around mental health we need to break. It's not helping you or your family to force yourself to get through everyday without help.

I'd suggest you see a counselor and chat about things. Maybe even have a talk with your mom about it.

Sent from my SM-A500W using Tapatalk
 

Shepherd

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Great advice from ExcelGuy. You also might take time to review your diet and exercise habits since you're starting fresh. Getting basic daily routines established in these areas can really help center you as you move forward on your path.
 

kamil

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I went a different path. I went to mental/emotional training where I started looking at things differently. I'm still doing changes in my life but I feel in much more control. I understand WHY I was so upset and on the best path for a nice and strong depression. I'm not saying this is the path for you to go. I'm only saying consider a different approach. You can always go back to pills. I just feel that nowadays docs too easily give pills to everyone. Are you not happy? Take this pill. Are you too active? Take this pill. Are you X ? I have a pill for it. In many cases fine, I understand the need for a pill but I can't stop thinking about who is earning on my pain, on pushing to me a simple sticker on a wound. How not healing the symptoms but covering the outcomes will make someone rich and me depended on their drug. Maybe you are in the situation that you really need the pill, I don't know you. Just take into consideration my experience. In many cases once you get on the pill, there is no simple way out => someone is earning on your weakness.
 

Nicoknowsbest

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First off, mad respect for you coming out in the open with all this.

What you are describing sounds very familiar, only that I haven't experienced it to these extremes.

I have been living my life in extreme cycles since I finished high-school.

I'd not go party for 4 months, but then go party for 6 nights straight, until 7 am.

I would not lift a finger, but then workout in the gym for 3 years straight, 4-6 times every single week.

When it comes to work, it was even worse.

Since reading TMF, there was basically no excuse to take off any moment whatsoever.

At the peak of each cycle, I'd be thrown back by getting a rough cold and had to stay in bed for 2 weeks straight.

I turned into an emotional monster when I was over-worked.

Many friends waved good-bye.

I got detached from family in some moments.

Until I started changing my behavior step by step.

What helped me turn all this around was the realization that sometimes, you simply have to put yourself first.

I personally lived in a small flat with my girlfriend and her dad at one point, to save money.

Oh boy, this almost killed three relationships at the same time.

I learned that to be able to create, produce, give and live, I need to fill up my soul.

That is crucial to be able to love, laugh and perform.

I now reserve fixed time slots during the week to re-charge.

The important detail is: this is my time.

It's not shared with anybody else.

@Andy Black was a great help reminding me that "You can't break tackles at marathon pace"

@Andy Black and @SinisterLex were great helping me realize the power of the now - Amusing PM with a freelancer

I believe I read @SinisterLex asking a question like this somewhere:

"...when was the last time you consciously felt your key ring in your hand?"

These words hit me really hard at that moment.

Because I realized that I was on the wrong road.

I sacrificed the wrong things.

I was a monster, without a soul.

I didn't understand people who came back happy from a walk in the forest.

Now, when I get up and hear the birds chirping, I have to smile.

It took me a long while until I finally understood that it is the little things.

This doesn't mean I am not striving for greatness, not building my legacy anymore.

It just means I appreciate the journey.

Life happens when you are busy.

Never take things for granted.
 

Fpm9

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Jul 27, 2017
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I had a problem with motivation a couple years ago. I was extremely motivated about something, then got lazy and forgot about it a few days after. I fixed this problem by going to the gym in the morning. I feel like it clears my mind and I am able to focus on my goals after.
I agree with Shepherd about the exercise and diet part.
 
OP
OP
Ninjakid

Ninjakid

Platinum Contributor
Speedway Pass
Jun 23, 2014
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Nice sword. I hope the break gets you the piece of mind and rest that you need.

But really reconsider the importance of medication. There are age points in life when depression or other forms of mental illness become prevalent. My godson had a psychotic episode when he was a teenager, and 10 years later he's still not back to his old self.

I struggled with this too when I went on anti-anxiety / anti-depressants 4 years ago and felt like it was a weakness. It's not. That's the stigma around mental health we need to break. It's not helping you or your family to force yourself to get through everyday without help.

I'd suggest you see a counselor and chat about things. Maybe even have a talk with your mom about it.

Sent from my SM-A500W using Tapatalk
Yeah definitely. There's a negative stigma about mental illness but one thing I learned is that mental health and illness are not binary. It's not that you're either healthy or unhealthy, there's a spectrum, and more people than you'd think are walking right on that line where it becomes illness. Definitely going to see a counselor sometime. As for my mom, her and I don't get along well these days, and every time I've brought this issue up with her she says it's because I'm just lazy. That's why I'm gonna move out soon because I can't deal with this sort of toxic mindset.

Great advice from ExcelGuy. You also might take time to review your diet and exercise habits since you're starting fresh. Getting basic daily routines established in these areas can really help center you as you move forward on your path.
Word, brother. I haven't been take care of my body nearly as well as I should be. No wonder I felt shitty eh? These will be changes to implement.

I went a different path. I went to mental/emotional training where I started looking at things differently. I'm still doing changes in my life but I feel in much more control. I understand WHY I was so upset and on the best path for a nice and strong depression. I'm not saying this is the path for you to go. I'm only saying consider a different approach. You can always go back to pills. I just feel that nowadays docs too easily give pills to everyone. Are you not happy? Take this pill. Are you too active? Take this pill. Are you X ? I have a pill for it. In many cases fine, I understand the need for a pill but I can't stop thinking about who is earning on my pain, on pushing to me a simple sticker on a wound. How not healing the symptoms but covering the outcomes will make someone rich and me depended on their drug. Maybe you are in the situation that you really need the pill, I don't know you. Just take into consideration my experience. In many cases once you get on the pill, there is no simple way out => someone is earning on your weakness.
That's an interesting way of putting it. And yes I don't think medication is the always the answer. It doesn't address the route of the problem which is the lifestyle habits you have which are causing you to need medication. I feel like the whole mindset behind it is, "don't change your life, just change the chemicals in your brain so you feel less crappy about life." The only reason why I tried medication is because I refused to so many times before and I just was curious what it would do. Now that I've tried, I 'm not overly impressed.


First off, mad respect for you coming out in the open with all this.

What you are describing sounds very familiar, only that I haven't experienced it to these extremes.

I have been living my life in extreme cycles since I finished high-school.

I'd not go party for 4 months, but then go party for 6 nights straight, until 7 am.

I would not lift a finger, but then workout in the gym for 3 years straight, 4-6 times every single week.

When it comes to work, it was even worse.

Since reading TMF, there was basically no excuse to take off any moment whatsoever.

At the peak of each cycle, I'd be thrown back by getting a rough cold and had to stay in bed for 2 weeks straight.

I turned into an emotional monster when I was over-worked.

Many friends waved good-bye.

I got detached from family in some moments.

Until I started changing my behavior step by step.

What helped me turn all this around was the realization that sometimes, you simply have to put yourself first.

I personally lived in a small flat with my girlfriend and her dad at one point, to save money.

Oh boy, this almost killed three relationships at the same time.

I learned that to be able to create, produce, give and live, I need to fill up my soul.

That is crucial to be able to love, laugh and perform.

I now reserve fixed time slots during the week to re-charge.

The important detail is: this is my time.

It's not shared with anybody else.

@Andy Black was a great help reminding me that "You can't break tackles at marathon pace"

@Andy Black and @SinisterLex were great helping me realize the power of the now - Amusing PM with a freelancer

I believe I read @SinisterLex asking a question like this somewhere:

"...when was the last time you consciously felt your key ring in your hand?"

These words hit me really hard at that moment.

Because I realized that I was on the wrong road.

I sacrificed the wrong things.

I was a monster, without a soul.

I didn't understand people who came back happy from a walk in the forest.

Now, when I get up and hear the birds chirping, I have to smile.

It took me a long while until I finally understood that it is the little things.

This doesn't mean I am not striving for greatness, not building my legacy anymore.

It just means I appreciate the journey.

Life happens when you are busy.

Never take things for granted.
I love this answer because there's so much truth to this. When you strive for things and give up pieces of yourself in the process, you're the one who ends up suffering. Existence is truly amazing and one can find peace in the moment, not just hoping for it in some future goal. Giving you rep.


I had a problem with motivation a couple years ago. I was extremely motivated about something, then got lazy and forgot about it a few days after. I fixed this problem by going to the gym in the morning. I feel like it clears my mind and I am able to focus on my goals after.
I agree with Shepherd about the exercise and diet part.
Yup exercise always puts my mind at ease. I'm quite athletic and into physical activity but I've been relatively inconsistent lately. Gotta change that.
 

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