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Why Can't We Change?

Myster kouadj

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Too much knowledge
to take away on the change. This is a great post. Thank you very much to everyone who participated in general and in particular @MTFk(leader of discomfort club).
 
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PapaGang

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It is interesting that the similar situations have me feeling respectful, connected, and empowered and you feeling resentful, disconnected and disempowered. So I thought I'd share and I hope this helps.
Dude it's so cool to see how you're evolving as a person on this forum.
 

MartinG

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It is interesting that the similar situations have me feeling respectful, connected, and empowered and you feeling resentful, disconnected and disempowered. So I thought I'd share and I hope this helps.
Man, your words hit home and resonate greatly. Thanks for the perspective :)
 
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TinyOldLady

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To this day, it's physically impossible for me to dance. I cringe just looking at people dancing (barring professional dancers).
Go out and dance like a silly person. Feel the cringe and embarrassment. :) Observe that nobody is looking at you and nothing dramatical is happening.
It won‘t change your personality, but might bring some relief
(I‘ve been there)
 

Ismail941

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Why We cannot change?

1) Most People do not like to challenge the Status Quo
2) Most People do not do the Math like 8-grade math knowledge on a white paper/notebook
3) Most People Like Comfortable Zone, not trying new things
4) Most People believe in default lifestyle, not design lifestyle

People do not decide their futures, they decide their habits and their habits decide their futures. — F. Matthias Alexander
 

Matt Lee

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I think a lot of it has to do with momentum and inertia.

Winners keep on winning and make more moves whilst losers stay still and contemplate, consume dopamine-inducing things, and conspire their own spiritual demise (aka. self-pity and being a victim).

Like Newton's 1st law, things that are moving tend to stay in motion. Whereas, things that are standing still find it hard to move if ever unless something breaks the inertia(A FTE, some kind of epiphany, burning the boats, working by the deadline, assigning a death date, memento mori, etc.).

Most people not "can't" but won't change because they've been in the same circumstances for far too long. As a result, they refuse to take control of their choices.

I lied. It's not that they refuse to take control. It's that they're scared to take accountability for their past choices and responsibility for their present choices. Because if things do change and their lives do starts to improve, they'll realize how much of a F*ck up they've been and how much time they've thrown away. Out the window. Never coming back. Sand in the wind. Need I say time is your most precious resource that won't be replenished?

The feeling of regret and lost time is one of the most painful feelings EVER besides snorting hot sauce. That's why hindsight is 20/20 and you can only move forward and not look back. It hurts too much looking back so take what you can and don't even glimpse at the damn beast. What do they say? Learn from it but don't dwell on it.

The inertia people built up from sitting on their asses, doing things that make them lose self-respect, and half-assing on things when they should be going all in, highjacks their ability to think and the ability to plan, and execute. They don't trust themselves enough to carry out their plans and desires. In the back of their mind, they have self-doubt. They don't know if they're capable of change. This is why transformational videos, posts, and any form of information are so popular.

It's the "what if" thoughts that keep these people hoping and hopes are what get people to envision a better future for themselves and perhaps one day commit to making that future a reality.

Ever notice how you love to read before/after posts? Or click on the before/after thumbnail on youtube? Or success stories starting with a guy in a rut? How about TMF ? It's all F*cking hope. Hope is like cocaine, except it's better and will get you out of any dire situation.

It's hoped that creates brave and courageous people because deep inside aren't we all afraid? But what if we take a chance on ourselves even if no one else believes in us because who knows maybe your hopes will become real? A coward can become brave if the reward and situation are enticing or demanding enough.

"Maybe it will get better if I put in the work 1 day at a time" - some wise man, probably.

Only the brave and courageous can change and face the mirror to say "damn I messed up badly but I can still win it big if I put in the time now". It takes a delusional entrepreneur to say even though I've made some wrong turns and I have nothing to show for it yet, I will start to right the course starting now, today, this moment.

So I think people can change, but it matters when they will commit to doing it. Lucky people realize unless they change early, nothing will get better. It's never too late. It's all in perspective. A 21-year-old like me would like to know all of these back when I was 15. A 30-year-old would love to trade places with a 21-year-old. A 40 year old ---. A 50 year old---. You get it.

If you don't sow your seeds, and put in your time today, you won't get a harvest or a bountiful sum of money tomorrow. It also helps to become brave by knowing you have nothing to lose. You're already dying. You will become stardust someday. If you're starting from zero, great. You have all to gain.
 
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Myster kouadj

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I think a lot of it has to do with momentum and inertia.

Winners keep on winning and make more moves whilst losers stay still and contemplate, consume dopamine-inducing things, and conspire their own spiritual demise (aka. self-pity and being a victim).

Like Newton's 1st law, things that are moving tend to stay in motion. Whereas, things that are standing still find it hard to move if ever unless something breaks the inertia(A FTE, some kind of epiphany, burning the boats, working by the deadline, assigning a death date, memento mori, etc.).

Most people not "can't" but won't change because they've been in the same circumstances for far too long. As a result, they refuse to take control of their choices.

I lied. It's not that they refuse to take control. It's that they're scared to take accountability for their past choices and responsibility for their present choices. Because if things do change and their lives do starts to improve, they'll realize how much of a F*ck up they've been and how much time they've thrown away. Out the window. Never coming back. Sand in the wind. Need I say time is your most precious resource that won't be replenished?

The feeling of regret and lost time is one of the most painful feelings EVER besides snorting hot sauce. That's why hindsight is 20/20 and you can only move forward and not look back. It hurts too much looking back so take what you can and don't even glimpse at the damn beast. What do they say? Learn from it but don't dwell on it.

The inertia people built up from sitting on their asses, doing things that make them lose self-respect, and half-assing on things when they should be going all in, highjacks their ability to think and the ability to plan, and execute. They don't trust themselves enough to carry out their plans and desires. In the back of their mind, they have self-doubt. They don't know if they're capable of change. This is why transformational videos, posts, and any form of information are so popular.

It's the "what if" thoughts that keep these people hoping and hopes are what get people to envision a better future for themselves and perhaps one day commit to making that future a reality.

Ever notice how you love to read before/after posts? Or click on the before/after thumbnail on youtube? Or success stories starting with a guy in a rut? How about TMF ? It's all F*cking hope. Hope is like cocaine, except it's better and will get you out of any dire situation.

It's hoped that creates brave and courageous people because deep inside aren't we all afraid? But what if we take a chance on ourselves even if no one else believes in us because who knows maybe your hopes will become real? A coward can become brave if the reward and situation are enticing or demanding enough.

"Maybe it will get better if I put in the work 1 day at a time" - some wise man, probably.

Only the brave and courageous can change and face the mirror to say "damn I messed up badly but I can still win it big if I put in the time now". It takes a delusional entrepreneur to say even though I've made some wrong turns and I have nothing to show for it yet, I will start to right the course starting now, today, this moment.

So I think people can change, but it matters when they will commit to doing it. Lucky people realize unless they change early, nothing will get better. It's never too late. It's all in perspective. A 21-year-old like me would like to know all of these back when I was 15. A 30-year-old would love to trade places with a 21-year-old. A 40 year old ---. A 50 year old---. You get it.

If you don't sow your seeds, and put in your time today, you won't get a harvest or a bountiful sum of money tomorrow. It also helps to become brave by knowing you have nothing to lose. You're already dying. You will become stardust someday. If you're starting from zero, great. You have all to gain.
Excellent speech very inspiring

Only those who have a weak why end up losing hope. When you have hope that one day things will get better, I think you would be willing to make the sacrifices it takes to turn things around.

Hope is the only one that guarantees the success of any fight before the assault on the battlefield. If you lose it you have already perceived in advance. because if you are not hopeful you could never dream of a better future, if you are not hopeful you will give up too soon when things get complicated or when you meet the unexpected, if you are not hopeful you you won't be able to find the motivation to achieve your dreams.
 

Ross_102

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Some people in my social circle have terrible conversational habits. They interrupt me, don't let me finish my sentences, or try to one-up my story instead of responding to it. It's been very frustrating.

But I can't find it in myself to tell them how annoying it is because I don't want the confrontation. I just tell myself that I prefer peace and it's not like it's a super important person in my life anyway.

I also have friends who I know much better and I still can't tell them when they're being annoying. Maybe because I know that I'm most likely annoying at times as well so it's kind of hypocritical to tell them that. But it ultimately leads to less and less satisfying relationships until I see friends just a few times a year because I don't feel good talking with them.

And just to clarify: this isn't everyone, just specific people. Talking with someone without these habits is reinvigorating.

@MTF

People have different conversation habits, so they might not even be aware that they are doing something wrong. If you care for these people just point these things out and you will be surprised how many of these issues can be resolved that way.

For a long time I used to behave like you, but eventually came to the realization that this is not beneficial for my relationships. Quite often I was only thinking about what I wanted to say in the conversation, instead of listening what the other person was actually saying. Once I became a better listener I found out some of these issues resolved naturally, while for the others I was much more comfortable discussing them. Of course, you can also find out that some people might not deserve your time and have to decide how to deal with that situation.

Once again - it is important that you care for these people and you are coming in the conversation with understanding and desire to improve your relationship with them. Avoid expressing negative feelings and show that you care for the other person, so that the interaction can be constructive.
 
Last edited:

MJ DeMarco

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Today's message in the Unscripted Text Network is applicable to this thread.

"Why can't we change?" is best answered with another question which essentially is the same...

"Why do we continually make the easy choices, instead of the hard ones?"

Make the hard decisions and express your priorities, or let life's momentum make them for you.

oppcost.png
 

TheCj

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Lastly, I have recently (the last 2-3 years) been experimenting with keeping my mouth shut and the results have been eye opening. I plan on writing a post about it someday soonish. So I'm learning I like being the guy who keeps his mouth shut too.
This is a trait I notice so many wealthy people have. They ask questions and then just listen, they rarely if ever interject there own stories, or experiences. The focus is on the other person.

I forget who said it in an interview, the quote went along the lines of "I don't need to speak, I know everything I am going to say already. There is nothing new that I can learn listening to myself speak. Listening to someone else speak, I have a chance of learning something new."

When go back to the topic of this forum, the pain, pleasure comes to mind from Tony Robbins. Someone can be comfortable broke, someone can be comfortable making millions, it doesn't matter money level. Change occurs to move away from pain, or moving to pleasure. If no change is happening the pain or pleasure isn't great enough.
 

Kak

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“Why can’t we change?”

But we can.

It’s not out of our hands, it is squarely in our hands.

The question “why can’t we change?” was a leading question I didn’t want to answer. It embraces a level of learned helplessness. It implies we can’t change, which is untrue, instead of asking how.

If we can’t change, the world would have no changed people in it. Yet, people who radically transformed their lives are everywhere.

The answer is leave the comfort zone. The comfort zone guarantees stagnation. Growth, betterment, and change is always outside of it.

Check out Human Action by Ludwig Von Mises. The reason a human acts is ALWAYS to improve their condition. An improvement is a change. It’s actually the foundation of a solid economic understanding.

C6124242-16D8-43C6-8C7B-4FFF000E4EC9.jpeg
 
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Andreas Thiel

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I can't belive the day job and commitments are hardly ever mentioned here. What is the fuel that allows you to reach escape velocity to get out of the day job gravity?
All colleagues who got kids burried all their plans and insisted they had to, even those that made houndreds of thousands of Euros with crypto who are programmers and understand the Blockchain and the Who is Who there like few people on this planet.

Mindset is not it. Reaching escape velocity has been the only thing on my mind for 2 decades and I can't seem to find a way as a privileged white male and programmer. Each day you have these few seconds when you are already completely spent.

I can't understand why people keep saying these are exuses.
 

BizyDad

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I can't belive the day job and commitments are hardly ever mentioned here. What is the fuel that allows you to reach escape velocity to get out of the day job gravity?
All colleagues who got kids burried all their plans and insisted they had to, even those that made houndreds of thousands of Euros with crypto who are programmers and understand the Blockchain and the Who is Who there like few people on this planet.

Mindset is not it. Reaching escape velocity has been the only thing on my mind for 2 decades and I can't seem to find a way as a privileged white male and programmer. Each day you have these few seconds when you are already completely spent.

I can't understand why people keep saying these are exuses.

Have people been able to achieve "escape velocity" with those "challenges"?

Yes.

Then it is possible.

And if it is possible, then it comes down to the choices you make vs the choices made by those who escape.

If you are not willing to make the choices that it's going to take for you to escape, but escape is still possible, then any reason you give for not escaping is an excuse.

Just because you and your circle seem to all feel these are "reasons" doesn't mean others can't look at those as "excuses". I think it's a matter of perspective.

To the man already in space, the mountains faced by people on the ground seem insignificant. But to the guy on the ground it's Everest.
 

thelastsurvivor

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Feb 28, 2022
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Sometimes I feel that once we start playing some kind of a role in our lives, we can't ever change it. In a way, we start behaving as programmed NPCs in some game who always say and do the same things, always to be found in the same places, never questioning their path.

Why is it so hard to change this? What's blocking us so much that we can't change ourselves even if we hate our situation or simply want to try something else?

For example, imagine that you're a shy, insecure, non-confrontational guy who's always ignored. You wish you were confident. You wish you could speak your mind and be respected. Yet, years go by and you're still that same guy. What's blocking that person?

Or let's imagine you're this responsible, dependable but ultimately boring guy who has no excitement in his life. You wish you could be more adventurous and spontaneous but your rational side can't let it happen. Why is it so hard to do something out of your character, even once?

Or let's imagine that you're stuck in your home town, living a satisfying (from the outside) life. Yet you feel dead inside. You wish you could change it and reinvent yourself. Why is it so difficult to leave the stuff that you hate anyway and do something new?

Why do we get stuck with the same unsatisfying job/business, relationship, place where we live, character, etc.?

Why do we feel this need to keep repeating the same behaviors, even if we're fully aware that we hate our life and want something else?

I know that for some roles there are physiological reasons as well. An obese person may have a f*cked up body that acts against them. Same for a smoker or a junkie.

But for most roles in our lives, there's no clear physical reason why we can't change them. So why is it so hard to do that?
inertia and lack of momentum. Usually people are fast tracked towards failure or success. Failure is complacency, success is constantly taking action
 
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Andreas Thiel

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If you are not willing to make the choices that it's going to take for you to escape, but escape is still possible, then any reason you give for not escaping is an excuse.
Wrong conclusion. If hundreds of millions of people struggle with this then it can't simply be dismissed as an excuse. Serious flaw in pretty much everybody's mental model who has been brainwashed by feel-good self-help bs that sells.
 

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