Why Can't We Change?

[Johnny boy]

Environment and attachment.

Take away your friends, your hobbies, your car payments and mortgage, your obligations, your schedule and appointments, the places you have to be, anyone who knows you, your memories of what you've done...

You would find it very easy to do anything and to become anything.

You would not have any trouble because there is no "you" in the first place to be staying the same. What would you keep the same?

Attachment comes in many forms.

For example, I have a reputation of doing whatever the hell I want. The reason for that is so if a small part of me wants to do something new, I know that when I do it, everyone will say "that's Johnathan doing what he does". I have nothing to overcome.

You would look at a guy who lives a life you want and think he is better in ways he isn't. He may just have set up his environment to make some things easier than others.

If you do not like how you are, untie yourself from your environment a bit, make your change, and when you are happy with your environment and new path, then it's a good time to put down some roots.

Imagine how strong of an effect your environment has. If you land yourself in a military base and have to spend a year training, living and hanging out with navy seals, your day to day tasks will be wildly different, your attitude will be wildly different, your habits will be wildly different. You will be wildly different. It would be hard NOT to be.

The other problem is a misunderstanding of the order of change.

You don't sit in front of a fireplace and say "give me warmth, and then I will supply the wood".

Likewise you cannot say "I want to be a new kind of person" and wait until you feel like that kind of person before taking the kind of actions that a person like that would take. It's the wrong order.

You must realize "Oh, I need to act like a different person before I can feel like that person, and then actually be that person".

So, the best combination is to understand the correct order of change, then remove the anchors that attach you to your current life, change your environment, seek out an environment that makes it easy to become who you want to be, start acting that way even if you don't feel like it, and then watch yourself change.

Another idea to add to that would be to look at your life as if you were an outside observer and to make your own judgements if you were to look at that man as a stranger. What would you say to him if he came to you and said his current goals and problems and excuses? What would you tell him to immediately go do and to stop waiting? Now just go do those things. Rinse and repeat. Learn how to give yourself good advice and see yourself as a stranger, because to everyone else you are.

 

[MTF]

Sometimes I feel that once we start playing some kind of a role in our lives, we can't ever change it. In a way, we start behaving as programmed NPCs in some game who always say and do the same things, always to be found in the same places, never questioning their path.

Why is it so hard to change this? What's blocking us so much that we can't change ourselves even if we hate our situation or simply want to try something else?

For example, imagine that you're a shy, insecure, non-confrontational guy who's always ignored. You wish you were confident. You wish you could speak your mind and be respected. Yet, years go by and you're still that same guy. What's blocking that person?

Or let's imagine you're this responsible, dependable but ultimately boring guy who has no excitement in his life. You wish you could be more adventurous and spontaneous but your rational side can't let it happen. Why is it so hard to do something out of your character, even once?

Or let's imagine that you're stuck in your home town, living a satisfying (from the outside) life. Yet you feel dead inside. You wish you could change it and reinvent yourself. Why is it so difficult to leave the stuff that you hate anyway and do something new?

Why do we get stuck with the same unsatisfying job/business, relationship, place where we live, character, etc.?

Why do we feel this need to keep repeating the same behaviors, even if we're fully aware that we hate our life and want something else?

I know that for some roles there are physiological reasons as well. An obese person may have a f*cked up body that acts against them. Same for a smoker or a junkie.

But for most roles in our lives, there's no clear physical reason why we can't change them. So why is it so hard to do that?

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

Today's message in the Unscripted Text Network is applicable to this thread.

"Why can't we change?" is best answered with another question which essentially is the same...

"Why do we continually make the easy choices, instead of the hard ones?"

Make the hard decisions and express your priorities, or let life's momentum make them for you.

 

[Itizn]

Because people don't like being uncomfortable.

You can recreate yourself at any given moment.

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

And this understanding doesn't come from logic if I understand it correctly? It has to be an emotional realization?

Correct.

Especially when the behavior is so addictive it becomes your identity -- who you tell people you are.

Once a behavior (wanted or unwanted) goes from something you "did once in a while" or you "used to be like" or "occasionally" to "this is who I am" -- now you've got a real challenge because identity is the strongest force in the human psyche.

There's a MAJOR difference between "I get depressed once in a while", and "I AM depressed", and "I am CLINICALLY depressed" ...

But even more -- it gets reinforced because our lives are simply the direct reflection of the expectations of our peers.

In other words, I'm not who I think I am. I'm not who YOU think I am. I am who I think you think I am.

It'll never change until you get leverage on this nameless person

 

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[BizyDad]

Random thoughts on MTF's comments in this thread.

why do most humans pick a role

Most people don't choose their life. Most people are not captains of their ship. Most people takes the path of least resistance, do not question or think critically and thus most people have their life and roles thrust on them.

Yet, still, you can't act against your character and simply, as a rational human being, voice your displeasure.

MTF, for all his "logic" is also one of these types of people. He does think critically, just not critically enough. He often blames outside influences or an adherence to "peace of mind" or "character" for his "inability" to assert himself.

But one can disagree, one can call someone annoying, and still have peace of mind.

For example, if you define yourself as a great parent, you'll be unlikely to take risks as that will go against being responsible.

Because MTF sees himself as stuck, he says stuff like this and it sounds true to him. But plenty of great parents take risks and do irresponsible things. A critical thinker should be able to spot the over-generalization.

Just casually scrolling through the thread and seeing paragraph after paragraph written by MTF. I wonder if maybe there is a reason why some people feel the need to interrupt. A lot of words being typed to say many of the same points with different words.

Anyways, personally, I come from a family of interrupters. If you don't interrupt, and loudly, you probably won't ever get a word in.

In my family, this is just accepted and no one considers it rude. Instead we assume that if you didn't fight hard enough to voice what you think or what you believe, then it must not have been all that important. I mean, sure, it was important to you, but if you feel all butt hurt about it you are the only one who can fix that problem by fighting for what you believe.

I married into a family of polar opposites. So I have a better appreciation now for how the other half lives. I understand how nice it can be for people to wait their turn to speak and everyone can go on for 5 or 10 minutes at a time without fear of being cut off.

And frankly, I don't know that one is any better than the other. These are two opposite ends of a spectrum and the real world is a mix of both.

But I stand by the notion that this thread is chock full of a whole lot of whining, overthinking, passivity, and lack of personal responsibility. And these are not words I would normally ascribe to MTF, so I decided to chime in.

If you don't like your life, change it. You know what you need to do to change it. You just don't wanna.

And because your crazy limbic system is scared of confrontation, your logical brain has constructed all these pithy, truthy sounding excuses for why you "can't" do anything about it.

Even your allegedly valuing of peace of mind above all is a fallacy because you feel resentment. Resentment and peace of mind cannot coexist.

So why aren't you speaking up? Fear?

As I see it, and I say this with respect, you simply don't want to accept the responsibility for changing because you are full of fear. I'm not sure if you are afraid of losing people, of facing their judgment, of facing your own judgement, or what.

And you can keep typing till the cows come home, but it won't do no good until you face your fears and speak up. Sure, you'll screw up at first, and get egg on your face. But if you don't give up, through trial and error, you'll realize that there are perfectly healthy, maybe even fun, ways of speaking up which still leave you with a sense of peace of mind. And it can even make your relationships stronger.

Most people don't want to choose. They want to be told. They want to be led. Your introverted self doesn't want to responsibility of leading anyone, hence all (most?) of your projects only rely on you. Ok, but your choices have consequences and I've skimmed 3 pages of you not liking the consequences.

Lastly, speaking as someone who eaten crow too many times to count, I'd suggest you are missing out on one key piece of life, and that is the act of humbling yourself after you have screwed up, and owning the mess up.

My friendships get so much stronger when new people see that I am not afraid to screw up and I am not too proud to learn from my mistake.

People start getting really honest with me in return. And I love it.

And my old friends will often tease me in a group, but privately thank me for saying the things that everyone knew needed to be said but everyone was too afraid to say it. And I don't stress over it or lose peace of mind over it because I like "being that guy".

Lastly, I have recently (the last 2-3 years) been experimenting with keeping my mouth shut and the results have been eye opening. I plan on writing a post about it someday soonish. So I'm learning I like being the guy who keeps his mouth shut too.

Today, if I allow someone to interrupt me, it is a conscious decision, and I don't feel resentful. Since I know I am capable of talking over anybody, I just don't need to do that all the time anymore, thus I feel like a more grace filled human being by keeping my mouth shut.

But I still wouldn't say, nor would those who know me say that my character is that of "keeping my mouth shut". I am operating out of my usual programming. It's not hard. I just chose to try it some years back and saw good results. So I am doing it more and more.

It is interesting that the similar situations have me feeling respectful, connected, and empowered and you feeling resentful, disconnected and disempowered. So I thought I'd share and I hope this helps.

 

[Antifragile]

Same answer @MJ DeMarco talks about in his books. We need an FTE to propel us to change. No way but up from there.

What you are describing is being comfortably numb. Like having a well paying job you hate.

 

[Antifragile]

As far as I remember Derek Sivers once wrote that people are waiting for a tipping point to change their lives. They can't just move it forward without that "that was too much" event.

For example, they stay in a terrible relationship and wait for that one "final" big event (like a fight or a potential act of infidelity) to finally feel okay breaking up. Or they wait for mistreatment from their boss to quit their job. Or they wait to get sick to have a justification for making big changes in their life.

My question still remains: why?

Mostly because people don’t think.

The biggest problem in the world is that people rarely think. We get on our own “highway” and stay in the lane. It’s habits that drive that kind of behaviour.

I’ll push back on your title and thread being presumed as “why can’t we change” implies we cannot and thus forces me to explain the very narrative you put forth. I disagree. You can and should change.

Now we can discuss HOW?

Typically it’s the FTE. But you don’t need an FTE, you can just imagine (because we are human we can do that) a variety of different futures for ourselves and choose one. Work on developing habits to move us in that direction.

One little step at a time… and it all begins with thinking about it. But most people don’t think. We are too often slaves to our habits.

 

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[Matt Lee]

I think a lot of it has to do with momentum and inertia.

Winners keep on winning and make more moves whilst losers stay still and contemplate, consume dopamine-inducing things, and conspire their own spiritual demise (aka. self-pity and being a victim).

Like Newton's 1st law, things that are moving tend to stay in motion. Whereas, things that are standing still find it hard to move if ever unless something breaks the inertia(A FTE, some kind of epiphany, burning the boats, working by the deadline, assigning a death date, memento mori, etc.).

Most people not "can't" but won't change because they've been in the same circumstances for far too long. As a result, they refuse to take control of their choices.

I lied. It's not that they refuse to take control. It's that they're scared to take accountability for their past choices and responsibility for their present choices. Because if things do change and their lives do starts to improve, they'll realize how much of a F*ck up they've been and how much time they've thrown away. Out the window. Never coming back. Sand in the wind. Need I say time is your most precious resource that won't be replenished?

The feeling of regret and lost time is one of the most painful feelings EVER besides snorting hot sauce. That's why hindsight is 20/20 and you can only move forward and not look back. It hurts too much looking back so take what you can and don't even glimpse at the damn beast. What do they say? Learn from it but don't dwell on it.

The inertia people built up from sitting on their asses, doing things that make them lose self-respect, and half-assing on things when they should be going all in, highjacks their ability to think and the ability to plan, and execute. They don't trust themselves enough to carry out their plans and desires. In the back of their mind, they have self-doubt. They don't know if they're capable of change. This is why transformational videos, posts, and any form of information are so popular.

It's the "what if" thoughts that keep these people hoping and hopes are what get people to envision a better future for themselves and perhaps one day commit to making that future a reality.

Ever notice how you love to read before/after posts? Or click on the before/after thumbnail on youtube? Or success stories starting with a guy in a rut? How about TMF ? It's all F*cking hope. Hope is like cocaine, except it's better and will get you out of any dire situation.

It's hoped that creates brave and courageous people because deep inside aren't we all afraid? But what if we take a chance on ourselves even if no one else believes in us because who knows maybe your hopes will become real? A coward can become brave if the reward and situation are enticing or demanding enough.

"Maybe it will get better if I put in the work 1 day at a time" - some wise man, probably.

Only the brave and courageous can change and face the mirror to say "damn I messed up badly but I can still win it big if I put in the time now". It takes a delusional entrepreneur to say even though I've made some wrong turns and I have nothing to show for it yet, I will start to right the course starting now, today, this moment.

So I think people can change, but it matters when they will commit to doing it. Lucky people realize unless they change early, nothing will get better. It's never too late. It's all in perspective. A 21-year-old like me would like to know all of these back when I was 15. A 30-year-old would love to trade places with a 21-year-old. A 40 year old ---. A 50 year old---. You get it.

If you don't sow your seeds, and put in your time today, you won't get a harvest or a bountiful sum of money tomorrow. It also helps to become brave by knowing you have nothing to lose. You're already dying. You will become stardust someday. If you're starting from zero, great. You have all to gain.

 

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[MTF]

For my fellow nerds, this comedic/serious skit talks about what I'm saying in the first post (you need to watch it to the end to understand the point):

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQ65MK5ZnHQ

 

[Andy Black]

I think most people don't change when they want to because they don't want it enough, don't believe they can do it, or don't know how.

Many people that do want to change are stuck over-thinking rather than taking action.

I don't think school helped. All that solving of problems we don't have means we're trained to over-think and mot take action. Heck, the "script" would even have us wait for permission to go to the bathroom.

 

[Simon Angel]

Humans can do anything they set their minds to — including changing how they act, think, and perceive the world.

I don't think "Why can't we change?" should even be a discussion...

I'm more interested in why people complain about their bad relationships, being introverts, OR feel guilty about dumping money in the casino.

Either embrace the fact that you're a gambling nerd in a shitty relationship while giving ZERO F*cks about moral principles or what others think of you...

OR, if it's REALLY bothering you — end your relationship, force yourself to socialize until you become accustomed to it, and never put your money into machines that are mathematically designed to screw you (and other hopeless retards) over 99% of the time!

People who "vent" or complain to others about their circumstances don't do it because they can't change...

They do it because they prefer hearing "Hey man, it's all going to be ok!" rather than changing into a person that doesn't need external validation or reassurance for their actions.

 

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[Primeperiwinkle]

There can only be two basic loves... the love of God unto the forgetfulness of self, or the love of self unto the forgetfulness and denial of God.

St. Augustine said that. It’s at the heart of what you’re asking.

Real change, whether you’re religious or not, comes from either death or love.

People don’t change because they don’t want to die (let go, sacrifice, or suffer the loss of their own pride/sense of self) or because they haven’t found something/someone to love.

 

[Black_Dragon43]

But for most roles in our lives, there's no clear physical reason why we can't change them. So why is it so hard to do that?

Amazing thread and topic M!

I believe it’s because you don’t know what you don’t know given your current identity and conditioning. Think of the way you grew up… it took years of conditioning to get you to be the person you are.

Usually this conditioning is violent in nature. You lacked any sort of control in life, and had to obey what adults told you to do as a kid. And if you didn’t you’d get ruthlessly punished. I’m not saying necessarily physically - but attention would be withdrawn, you wouldn’t get what you wanted and so on.

But now, as an adult, there’s no one left to punish you. There’s no one left to condition you. To push you in a certain direction and make sure you keep going in that direction. If anyone tried to subject you to the sort of treatment kids are subjected to, you’d run away… + no one has time for that. But it’s precisely that treatment that’s required to really change on a deep level. So you’re stuck with the direction you got growing up.

You may not like it, but you don’t really know any other direction. Superficially this may feel like anxiety… being fearful of change. And there certainly is some of that, but it’s much more than that.

Because imagine for a moment that you had a person who lived with you who was 100% dedicated to getting you to be who you truly want to be. And who knew the way. And stayed with you, coaching you, prodding you, from morning to night. Like the coach of a world class athlete.

If you’d be told at each step of the way, do this, do that, don’t think about things this way and so on… with the necessary rewards and punishments along the way, you’d get conditioned differently and you’d realise it’s not really fear holding you back.

It’s lack of knowledge… you simply don’t know what you don’t know, and that stops you from being different. And I use “know” here in the Biblical sense… as a man KNOWS his woman. It’s not an intellectual kind of knowledge that you miss, but a bodily kind of knowledge of what it would mean to be different.

You can act differently… sure. But deep inside, it’s still that old you, that old conditioning acting differently, with no knowledgr of what it feels like to BE different.

Same with everything you do.

 

[biophase]

Sometimes I feel that once we start playing some kind of a role in our lives, we can't ever change it. In a way, we start behaving as programmed NPCs in some game who always say and do the same things, always to be found in the same places, never questioning their path.

Why is it so hard to change this? What's blocking us so much that we can't change ourselves even if we hate our situation or simply want to try something else?

For example, imagine that you're a shy, insecure, non-confrontational guy who's always ignored. You wish you were confident. You wish you could speak your mind and be respected. Yet, years go by and you're still that same guy. What's blocking that person?

I can give you an example of how I haven't changed. When I was in high school or even college, when the teacher asked the class a question, I usually knew the answer. But I never raised my hand to answer it. There was always some other kid that would. I'm sure we all know that kid that raised his/her hand every time. Maybe I was too shy or insecure. Maybe I didn't want to be a Mr. know it all or I just didn't want to participate. I knew the answer was right, I just didn't like to draw attention to myself.

Fast forward 25 years, I'm in a community college class, super successful, confident, and don't give a shit about the grade. Same situation, the teacher asks a question. I know the answer. Nobody else in the room raises a hand after 5 seconds. Do I raise my hand. Nope. Don't know why. Just couldn't get myself to do it. I kind of wanted to, but still didn't.

You'd think that things would have changed from being 20 years old to 45. I was fairly self aware of myself. I do remember thinking to myself that it was weird that I paused or froze in that situation. Maybe I still don't like the attention.

Sometimes, it's just not who you are. So don't try to become someone that you are not.

 

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[MTF]

Same answer @MJ DeMarco talks about in his books. We need an FTE to propel us to change. No way but up from there.

What you are describing is being comfortably numb. Like having a well paying job you hate.

As far as I remember Derek Sivers once wrote that people are waiting for a tipping point to change their lives. They can't just move it forward without that "that was too much" event.

For example, they stay in a terrible relationship and wait for that one "final" big event (like a fight or a potential act of infidelity) to finally feel okay breaking up. Or they wait for mistreatment from their boss to quit their job. Or they wait to get sick to have a justification for making big changes in their life.

My question still remains: why?

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

It's an addiction to the vehicle that meets their needs.

Unless that person truly understands that behavior won't fulfill their needs long-term and immediately replace it with a more empowering vehicle, they revert back to what fulfills them.

 

[Robdavis]

Sometimes I feel that once we start playing some kind of a role in our lives, we can't ever change it. In a way, we start behaving as programmed NPCs in some game who always say and do the same things, always to be found in the same places, never questioning their path.

Why is it so hard to change this? What's blocking us so much that we can't change ourselves even if we hate our situation or simply want to try something else?

For example, imagine that you're a shy, insecure, non-confrontational guy who's always ignored. You wish you were confident. You wish you could speak your mind and be respected. Yet, years go by and you're still that same guy. What's blocking that person?

Or let's imagine you're this responsible, dependable but ultimately boring guy who has no excitement in his life. You wish you could be more adventurous and spontaneous but your rational side can't let it happen. Why is it so hard to do something out of your character, even once?

Or let's imagine that you're stuck in your home town, living a satisfying (from the outside) life. Yet you feel dead inside. You wish you could change it and reinvent yourself. Why is it so difficult to leave the stuff that you hate anyway and do something new?

Why do we get stuck with the same unsatisfying job/business, relationship, place where we live, character, etc.?

Why do we feel this need to keep repeating the same behaviors, even if we're fully aware that we hate our life and want something else?

I know that for some roles there are physiological reasons as well. An obese person may have a f*cked up body that acts against them. Same for a smoker or a junkie.

But for most roles in our lives, there's no clear physical reason why we can't change them. So why is it so hard to do that?

Just a few quick comments...

With all due respect I think that you are overgeneralising. Some people hate change and avoid it, whereas some people like change and are good at it. So you are right that many people don't change but that doesn't make it impossible.

Part of the cause of what you are talking about is force of habit. So we use habits to allow us to do things "without thinking". This is very useful it allows us to develop high levels of skill and coordinate multiple behaviours simultaneously. The down side is that installing new habits and removing old habits takes time and effort. (depending on the skill of the individual at personal change)

If you think you can or you think you can't you're right. So if you think change is hard then it will be harder for you and if you think change is easy it will be easier for you. The strength of your habits is subjective and depends on what you believe about them.

The reason most people don't change is because they are actually comfortable. Yes they may be in a rut, but it is a rut that they are familiar with and that they have developed coping strategies to navigate, their rut has become almost 'effortless' for them.

Humans are not generally logical. They will typically act based on whether they feel they should act rather than whether it is logically a good idea to act. Hence comfort trumps logic and people stay in their current situation.

People wish for things all the time. Wishing is a useless act. 99.99% of the time if you wish for something you will take no action as a result of the wish. It simply isn't enough of an action to move you from your status quo.

That's all for now. Thanks for posting.

 

[Anon05554]

Same answer @MJ DeMarco talks about in his books. We need an FTE to propel us to change. No way but up from there.

What you are describing is being comfortably numb. Like having a well paying job you hate.

We are afraid of the future,
Of the unknown
Of what society will say should we fail
Of disappointing "loved ones"
Of being labeled rebels
Of not conforming.

On the rational front,

We are too lazy to get off our asses
Are surrounded by sympathizers
And fellow whiners
So our abnormal situations
Almost appear normal.

And,
Sometimes people admire us
Making us feel privileged in our pain
And we gloat,
I am better than some.

(Forgive me if you aren't into verse. I am trying my hand at poetry.)

 

[Andy Black]

I think change can happen instantly and it's down to belief. The elephant who can't move more than 5 meters from an anchor in the ground even though it's no longer chained? Show it that it can easily do so and it's belief is changed instantly. (I don't know if that's true with the elephant btw... I'm just trying to explain my point.)

I like trying to find out what people are stuck on and how to get them unstuck. Often it's a simple little thing.

What are you trying to do @MTF? Is there a change your struggling to make happen, or are you "just" trying to figure out why people don't change? I ask because I wonder if you're trying to make a change and are overthinking.

 

[Antifragile]

Not at all and you are definitely NOT an average person.

I apologize if my wording was confusing. I'll use myself as an example to avoid further misunderstandings.

Objectively speaking, I'm successful now. But I've settled into a narrowly-defined role, a routine of doing the same things that reflect my character. I'm a very predictable person with some painfully frustrating at times qualities.

I don't feel like I differ much from a person who doesn't have such a "successful" life. Both of us are following some kind of a programming, without breaking out of character.

Hate to break it to you, but you have little in common with the "can't leave the basement" guy. You did the exact opposite of following programming to achieve your current status. By any definition, you are in the successful minority group. I expect you don't do drugs, aren't lazy, don't weigh 300kg while watching "American Football" and complaining about quarterbacks being "lazy" etc. Look, who we as society see as unsuccessful is easy to describe!

Yes, maybe according to some standards my life is "better" than the life of the basement guy. But just as he is trapped as a basement guy, I'm trapped as a writer/solopreneur lone wolf guy.

F*ck. Your life is infinitely better!

No, you are not trapped. You made a lot of money being a writer. Feedback mechanism taught you "it's good to be a great writer, it'll set you up for life". Now you are learning that the world for writers has changed on you. Let's use a wolf analogy (I love wolves as animals). A hungry wolf finds a reliable source of food, he's now well fed. He sees the same place where he had all this food now doesn't have the food. He's not hungry yet but thinks he needs a new source. Problem is... he stashed some food and is not in a hurry. Now suddenly he thinks he is no different than a hungry wolf. F*ck no. He is well fed with reserves. He's not hungry. His life is infinitely better.

My question is: why do we have such a strong need to stay in this character for our entire life?

Why not? Your character got you a lot of success. As they say "if its not broken, why fix it?". If you were living in your parent's place, bitching to your mom about food being not as tasty as restaurant and to your dad for lack of wealth to just give it to you... then we'd be talking "WTF?! Get your a$$ in gear!" But that's not you.

From Friends show:
Chandler : Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT."

How do I know that this is really the "best" version of me if I always stay faithful to my decided some time ago role in life? I keep making improvements here and there but they're improvements of a few percent, consistent with that narrowly defined role.

First of all, we never achieve the "best" version of ourselves. That's life. Get over it. We continue to improve but to think you can achieve the "best" means there is finality to your ability to improve. There isn't. Not in life as a whole. Maybe in a narrow sports field but not in life.

Can you imagine living a life where one day you decided "I'll now be an introvert" and shut down all communication with friends who knew you as the "life of the party!" just a year ago? That whiplash effect would be devastating. No one would want the ability to change over and over like that.

How about your loved ones? Can you imagine your relatives, closest people to you not see your for a year and suddenly instead of a balanced predictably reliable person, a Wolf of Wallstreet is here to get their money.

I plan to do something out of my character but it's damn painful and feels almost like fighting against gravity. That's strange to me. What is this force and why do most humans pick a role and keep playing it for the rest of their lives?

That's the thing. If the role you speak of was a useless lard alcoholic thief ruining your family... then we should be asking this very question. But for good people, it is about incremental improvements, not drastic changes. I bet you aren't the exact same person you were 5 years ago. You are true to your core, but still not the same person. Core being hard working, reliable, successful. And no, the grass is not greener on the other side.

/eclectic thoughts

 

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[TheCj]

Lastly, I have recently (the last 2-3 years) been experimenting with keeping my mouth shut and the results have been eye opening. I plan on writing a post about it someday soonish. So I'm learning I like being the guy who keeps his mouth shut too.

This is a trait I notice so many wealthy people have. They ask questions and then just listen, they rarely if ever interject there own stories, or experiences. The focus is on the other person.

I forget who said it in an interview, the quote went along the lines of "I don't need to speak, I know everything I am going to say already. There is nothing new that I can learn listening to myself speak. Listening to someone else speak, I have a chance of learning something new."

When go back to the topic of this forum, the pain, pleasure comes to mind from Tony Robbins. Someone can be comfortable broke, someone can be comfortable making millions, it doesn't matter money level. Change occurs to move away from pain, or moving to pleasure. If no change is happening the pain or pleasure isn't great enough.

 

[heavy_industry]

Why do we feel this need to keep repeating the same behaviors, even if we're fully aware that we hate our life and want something else?

We as a species are very risk-adverse.
We have evolved to prioritize survival in the present moment over a better potential outcome. We repeatedly do the same things over and over again because this creates a (false) sense of safety.

One of the best catalysts for changing a pattern of behavior is to hit rock bottom / experience a FTE. Fear and pain are great motivators.

 

[Spenny]

Fear and pain are great motivators.

They really are, one of my biggest fears is never becoming financially free.

And I agree with humans being risk averse. Primitively , the person who runs off from the herd is far more vulnerable.

 

[Antifragile]

So let me dig a little deeper. How much has your life changed in the last few years? How many new habits have you added and/or removed that would make people who haven't seen you for years be surprised?

Because we can also get stuck at a "successful" level of life, thinking that we've arrived. Then we lecture other people about changing themselves while we haven't changed much either. So we're also NPCs, just playing a different role.

In a way, don't we sooner or later all get on this highway and stay in our lane the rest of our lives? And that highway may be just as well "a loser living in his parents' basement" or "a successful real estate developer in Vancouver who's into triathlons" kind of a thing.

I'm not attacking you or anything, just trying to clarify a bit more my original post.

Honestly, you lost me here.

I’ve changed a lot and will continue to change as I see areas for my personal growth and improvement.

But to compare a middle aged “mommy’s boy can’t move out of a basement” with a successful entrepreneur seems contradictory to your original question. Would it not be necessary to accept the challenge of creating a business?

More than anything, I’m now confused. And I’ve been on this forum a while, so you know me very well.

Am I supposed to become proof of your thinking by discovering some area of my life that totally sucks to the point of suicidal thoughts and yet not changing it? I can’t think of anything. I’m far from perfect, mostly an average person. I’d like to think I’m a good father, husband, friend… employer etc. I’d like to think that most of my habits aren’t bad.

 

[JordanK]

I think a lot of the answer has to do with never being able to go back to the way things were after the change is made.

Blow up a stagnant relationship... will never be the same if you try to rekindle it in the future...
Move countries... lose touch with family, friend groups, work/business...
Sell your business
Move house
Having kids
Starting a new career/study
Retiring
Ending a friendship

 

[MTF]

Am I supposed to become proof of your thinking by discovering some area of my life that totally sucks to the point of suicidal thoughts and yet not changing it? I can’t think of anything. I’m far from perfect, mostly an average person. I’d like to think I’m a good father, husband, friend… employer etc. I’d like to think that most of my habits aren’t bad.

Not at all and you are definitely NOT an average person.

I apologize if my wording was confusing. I'll use myself as an example to avoid further misunderstandings.

Objectively speaking, I'm successful now. But I've settled into a narrowly-defined role, a routine of doing the same things that reflect my character. I'm a very predictable person with some painfully frustrating at times qualities.

I don't feel like I differ much from a person who doesn't have such a "successful" life. Both of us are following some kind of a programming, without breaking out of character. Yes, maybe according to some standards my life is "better" than the life of the basement guy. But just as he is trapped as a basement guy, I'm trapped as a writer/solopreneur lone wolf guy.

My question is: why do we have such a strong need to stay in this character for our entire life?

How do I know that this is really the "best" version of me if I always stay faithful to my decided some time ago role in life? I keep making improvements here and there but they're improvements of a few percent, consistent with that narrowly defined role.

I plan to do something out of my character but it's damn painful and feels almost like fighting against gravity. That's strange to me. What is this force and why do most humans pick a role and keep playing it for the rest of their lives?

 

[MTF]

Because imagine for a moment that you had a person who lived with you who was 100% dedicated to getting you to be who you truly want to be. And who knew the way. And stayed with you, coaching you, prodding you, from morning to night. Like the coach of a world class athlete.

If you’d be told at each step of the way, do this, do that, don’t think about things this way and so on… with the necessary rewards and punishments along the way, you’d get conditioned differently and you’d realise it’s not really fear holding you back.

And how much time do you think you'd need to solidify this change? Because in this imaginary example you rely 100% on that coach. What would happen once you "graduated"? At what point would the coach be able to disappear without you reverting to your default wiring?

For example, I'm your stereotypical introvert. Let's say I hired a coach who would live with me 24/7 to turn me into a super social, extremely confident and fun to be around person. Let's imagine that's physically possible (lol) and let's imagine I'm willing to do whatever he says. What if, say, after a year of such training he would leave me? Wouldn't I, progressively over time, revert back to that introvert?

Bill Gates grew up to be a nerdy, geeky kid. Socially awkward. He’s the same to this day. The only reason he gets any chicks is because he’s rich. He didn’t change at all, fundamentally. Sure, he may be able to talk to strangers today without feeling as much discomfort as he did as a kid… from an external frame of reference it may be indistinguishable from a person different from him. But deep inside, he does not know and cannot know what it’s like to be Andrew Tate for example. He was simply not conditioned that way, even if he were to act like Andrew, he wouldn’t be able to FEEL like Andrew.

And that is my point. Despite all that happened in his life, he remained Bill Gates the nerd.

Though Elon Musk is probably a good example of the opposite. He seems like an extreme nerd by nature as well but was capable of changing his personality to become a playful, confident guy.

 

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[Patryk.]

You can't make a huge changes too many times... How David should behave right now to see a big change again? Should he start stand-up comedy? Maybe he should be more soft? Maybe makes jokes every time he is one podcast to make you see a "change"?

Did your first milion changed your life?
I am sure it did.

How about the second one?
A lot less, don't you think?

The same is in developing "character".

I changed a lot when I found I can "build" myself how I want but now you won't never see a such dramatical change in me. I will be the "same" to the rest of my life - only "trauma" can change it and mold me to somebody else or I will find I need a other "myself" to accomplish my new/old goals (as I always want it "bad enough").

I got serious scoliosis as a teenager and now, I am close to cure it (still one year of exercising). I know how hard it is and was to make the spine better but nobody seems to acknowledge anything about my progress. For other people it seems like I don't changed in the last four years. They don't see any difference but it doesn't means I don't change - it is just a "second milion" in my "developing".

If you are older/more developed you are making the fifty million, so nobody will see any big difference...

School made me believe I am introvert. But when I found my goals - become wealthy - I changed to extrovert. I can talk about money (as a normal or sales) person all day but try talking about who is married and who don't - I will fall asleep... so who am I? Both?

Seems like these types of terms are made to lock you in certain way of thinking.

From my point of view people are "non-confrontational" because of theirs environment (mostly when they grew up as it was thiers first "milion"/"brick" in theris life). If you spend all the time with a girlfriend you will become soft. If you spend all the time with aggresive male dudes on the gym/martial art class I bet you will be changing to aggresive dude. Do your remember the saying about the five people we hang out the most? Yeah. It is true.

You run "discomfort club" - we should learn from you master how to be better at things

 

[Paul David]

Great thread.

I think a lot of it revolves around a combination of multiple things: sub-consciously it's more painful to change then not to (like in your dancing example), environment, your WHY isn't strong enough, habits formed over years, the identity you have formed now because of those habits etc.

I've been thinking about this for a while myself. For example, you'd never ever see me after alcohol dancing on tables, taking my pants off in public, falling asleep in a bar or anything along those lines. No matter how much I drank. Once if I've reached a certain point and that could be sometimes after 10 pints of beer or 5, I've had enough and can't drink anymore and stop. I don't tend to change much whilst intoxicated. Other people are quite different.

I think environment also plays a part, and someone told me recently I'm too comfortable where I am. Which got me thinking, how would my life or identity changed if I took myself to a hotel away from my Wife and kids, house comforts, and worked on growing my business (which is current aim), and not coming home until I hit a figure (lets say £10k a month).

Would my day be different to what it is today? I wouldn't be on this forum typing this message or reading this thread thats for sure. Environment has changed albeit short term.

What if a close relative needed life saving operation and I needed to get £50k asap. Would I be sitting here again on this forum or watching TV of an evening? No. Would I be worried about cold calling a business to see if they are interested in my services? No.

Whats changed? The WHY.

So i think there's not one thing, it's a combination of lots of things which others quite rightly have said.

I think you need something like a strong WHY or FTE to get on the path to change, then your habits over time make it easier. I don't think you'd ever go back to being the person you was. How far you can change is infinite.

 

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