What BOX have you locked yourself up in?

[MJ DeMarco]

I pulled this out of an old thread dozens of pages long and I thought it worth a thread.

As I mentioned many times, I'm an introvert. As such, I don't enjoy being at the center of attention. I don't like public speaking. I hate going on podcasts. I hate doing YouTube videos. I hate interviews. I prefer written word over spoken.

That said, these personality traits have the potentially disastrous effect of putting myself into a self-imposed BOX. The BOX then serves as a hindrance, an excuse not to test your comfort zones and conquer fears. The box stops me from doing what needs to be done. The box stops me from improving, growing, and minimizing a fear.

But I don't let the BOX define me. I do podcasts because my purpose is greater than my fear. My purpose acts like a sharp knife capable of tearing down the BOX.

Fixed mindset types live in a prison of BOXES. My personality type is X,Y, or Z so I won't do A, B, or C. Then they get stuck in a rut — never growing, never evolving and always doing the same things over and over, while expecting different results. Boxes serve one purpose— to contain and limit. When you put yourself in a box, you contain and limit your growth. Period.

Here are just some boxes I've personally heard over the last year...

Box: I’m not a person who reads books.
Box: I’m not a public speaker.
Box: I’m not a person who plays board games.
Box: I’m not someone who likes going to the gym.
Box: I’m not X, Y, or Z because of A, B, or C.
Box: I’m not good at X (of course your aren’t, you never tried, and never worked hard at it)
Box: I'm not a good people person.
Box: I'm not a good writer.
Box: I'm not an entrepreneur.
Box: I'm not a good saver.
Box: I'm not a good leader.

And do you want to know the strongest, most powerful BOX of all?

It is one that not made of cardboard or steel, but of velvet...

It is comfort.

If you want to radically change your life NEXT YEAR, start observing the BOXES you've erected around yourself. Then start to poke, prod, and question them. What is that box doing to your life? Is it preserving the king BOX of all of 'em, comfort? Ultimately, BOXES are weak excuses that preserve the primary box, the BOX of COMFORT.

You can evolve into whomever you want with the right effort, self-awareness, discipline, and purpose.

What BOX are you stuck in?

PS: A good book on this topic is Personality Isn't Permanent by B. Hardy.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Antifragile]

Mindset.


It can change your life.

When you have a 'growth mindset', you believe that you have the ability to improve and grow as a person. You don't shy away from hard or new things, but instead you welcome them with open arms.

The opposite of this is having a 'fixed mindset.' When you are in this situation, you believe that your abilities are set in stone. You inherently believe that you can't improve, and shying away from new things shows this.

Unfortunately, many people have the fixed mindset. They don't think they can do anything better than they already can or stop themselves from getting worse at something; to them things like this happen naturally.

As a result of this, they often shy away from things they aren't good at or find difficult. This mindset often leads to self-sabotage and even depression when they face failure.

Instead of always looking out for the next 'safe' thing, people should take advantage of growth mindset and look out for new opportunities. These opportunities will help them improve and grow as a person.

It's not always easy, but it is worth it.

So how do you change your mindset? It's not simple, but it is possible with some effort. The greatest method to begin is by recognizing when you're in danger of slipping into a negative thought pattern. This can be done by keeping a journal and writing down your thoughts every day. This will help you to see the patterns in your thinking, and eventually you'll be able to interrupt them before they take hold.

After that, it's important to focus on your successes. No matter how small they may seem, celebrate them! This will help to increase your self-confidence and help you to see that you are capable of more than you think.

Finally, it's important to be around positive people. This can be difficult if most of your friends or family have a fixed mindset, but it's not impossible. Seek out people who will support and encourage you in your endeavours.

With time and effort, you can change your mindset and become the person you've always wanted to be. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. So don't give up, and keep pushing yourself to grow. You have the power to create your own future, so use it!

As David Goggins would say "stay hard".

 

[MJ DeMarco]

 

[Andy Black]

I was in this headspace for a long time, it was hard for me to wrap my head around how entrepreneurs could go from one industry to another and be successful in each. For example how does Elon Musk go from developing a website, to payments, to rockets, to electric cars, AND succeed in each one?? I know he is the most extreme example on the planet of this, but there are a lot of successful entrepreneurs that have been successful in one industry and then gone into another industry and have been just as successful or even more successful. I used to think that I had to be bound to whatever my experience/profession had been up to that point when looking for business ideas, but then I realized all these people just hired others who had the skills they lacked in an industry and charged ahead, they were just skilled at finding what people wanted, then providing it to them. With athletes, artists, writers, etc. you have to have the skill of that sport, that type of artistry, the skill of great writing, but in business it seems like you don't need to be very skilled in your industry. You could manufacture and sell clothes without knowing how to sew, you could build and sell software without knowing how to code, you could build and sell houses without having a clue as to how to use a hammer.

Threads pop up occasionally where members ask what’s the best skill to pick up if they want to build a profitable business.

Common answers are sales, leadership, web design, copywriting, digital marketing, etc.

I keep answering “the skill of building profitable businesses”.

It falls on deaf ears as it seems I’m being cheeky.

I’m not.

If you want to be good at XYX then get good at doing XYZ.

Elon Musk is good at building businesses.

Richard Branson is good at building businesses.

Gary V is good at building businesses.

What do you want to get good at? Get good at that.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[MTF]

I can relate to the introversion/outsider/lone wolf part. It's a deeply ingrained pattern and it comes back whenever I find myself in a group.

Also, I'd emphasize that sometimes it isn't about who you aren't but who you are.

For example, I feel that my box is that I'm a writer. It makes me think that the only kind of business that can work for me is a business that relies in one way or another on writing. In a way, my success as a writer put me in a very limiting box. I assume it's the same with athletes, artists, etc. You succeed with one thing and then think that everything in your life moving forward has to revolve around this one thing.

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

@Kung Fu Steve Thank you for the wise words. It's what I needed to hear. I would love if you could elaborate on point 3 because I'm not sure I'm quite there with my understanding yet (maybe not in this thread).

3.) There are really only 2 things that shape our lives: beliefs and values. I read through every post here and it's just everyone's beliefs about how things should be, how things are, or how you should see things the way *I* see them. You can't help someone if you're judging them... and on a more "advanced" level, it's apparent to see what our friends

Wise, I'm not so sure.

But here's what I know: there really are only 9 areas of your life you can change. If you change 1 of those areas, you're on a radically different path. If you change all 9 -- you've got a different destiny.

2 of the 9 are Beliefs and Values.

There are 7 types of beliefs:

1.) Global Belief Systems
Global beliefs are generalizations about the important aspects of our lives. Understanding our global beliefs helps us understand what generalizations a person has made that control many decisions they make in their life.

2.) Identity
Identity is simply the way you describe yourself... to yourself. It's the belief we use to define our individuality. It's the combination of the beliefs about who you are, what you're capable of, and how you distinguish yourself from everyone else in the world. There is no other force this powerful in the human psyche.

3.) Values (Deepest desires/worst fears)
Values are the things we move away from in order to avoid pain or move toward in order to gain pleasure in a given context.

4.) Rules ("The source of heaven or hell within")
Rules are the determining factor in our decisions about which behavior to utilize in order to experience our values. Some rules have a higher priority because violating them causes greater pain.

5.) Vehicles
Vehicles are the method(s) a person uses to try to meet their needs. The way someone gets from where they are to where their needs are met. They can be positive, negative, or neutral.

6.) Situation Specific Beliefs
Situations specific beliefs are the organizing beliefs behind the way a person evaluates a specific situation or context. Also called "infield fly rules" (specific situations where it's okay to violate your rules).

7.) Metaprograms (these are really fascinating especially in this thread, you can see the differences in how people perceive things)
Metaprograms help us understand how a person processes information. There are a variety of ways we process information and we all use different combinations of those ways.

If you ask someone "how do you know when you're really good at something?" Internal people will look to themselves to make decisions, external people look to others. To motivate internal people, we ask what's important to them. To motivate external people, we show how others think and behave.

Another example of metaprograms is visual/auditory/kinesthetic.

Then specifically there are Values (a belief about what's most important in life to get or avoid, in the notes above).

If you simply start asking and answering the questions:

1. What's most important in life? What will you do anything to get in this life?
2. What ELSE is most important in life? What ELSE will do you do anything to get in this life?

Then...

1. What's most important to AVOID in life? What will you do almost anything to avoid?
2. What ELSE is most important to AVOID in life? What ELSE will you do almost anything to avoid?

You've got a big ol' list of:

Success
Freedom
Health
Love
etc. etc.

And another list of

Rejection
Failure
Sadness
Loneliness
etc.

Almost nobody consciously changes their values. It's old conditioning. (Which you COULD change anytime you wanted to) But when people have conflicting values they often end up in a really screwed up place internally. It causes the most internal pain.

Imagine someone whose most important thing is success but the most important thing for them to avoid is rejection. You can already guess what their life looks like and the challenges they might have.

It's a huge conversation but so many people (especially on this forum) tell someone "you just don't want it bad enough" if they don't follow through but the truth is they have conflicts internally. "I want to make the sale but I never want to get rejected" or "I want success but I never want to be judged" or "I want love but I never want to feel loss."

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Won't watch.

Kinda funny ... this is exactly what this posts alludes... you are defending your box.

you just need to fix your mindset and everything will magically fall into place" posts begin.

Not sure who said that.

This thread is about putting the horse in front of the cart ... an absolute necessity that most people won't do, and hence, most people are absolutely destined for failure.

I'll use the same analogy I used here...

OFF-TOPIC - So how rich is "rich" exactly, in today's society?

Like someone being in the so called "top one percent" doesn't really make enough money to actually live that stereotypical lavish rich people lifestyle... like you don't even have to make a million dollars to even be in that top income earning bracket. It's especially problematic when you don't...

www.thefastlaneforum.com

If you're obese and have 200 lbs to lose, it is a waste of time trying to help someone who thinks their diet has nothing to do with their obesity. They eat 6 donuts for breakfast, 8 cans of soda for lunch and 4 pizzas for dinner. They want to be fit and trim, but refuse to change their diet. IT IS THEIR BOX. And as such, it is impossible for them to accomplish their goal... their box stands in their way.

That said, if they tear down that box and replace with "Gee, I really need to watch what I eat and stop eating all this junk food" then suddenly that have a chance. AND THEN THE HARD WORK BEGINS.

Losing 200 lbs is not easy.
...But with a fixed-mindset and the BOX of "the problem isn't my diet" will result in failure.
...It is a waste of time trying to mentor someone with a mindset like this.
...The BOX prevents them from enduring the tough process, which gives success a chance.
...The BOX keeps you on the sidelines with zero chance of success.

Starting a business is not easy.
...But with a fixed-mindset and the BOX of "oh its all luck" or BOX X, Y, or Z will result in failure.
...It is a waste of time trying to mentor someone with a mindset like this.
...The BOX prevents them from enduring the tough process, which gives success a chance.
...The BOX keeps you on the sidelines with zero chance of success.

Nothing about this post is to be translated, "fix your mindset and everything will magically work!!!" Tearing down boxes turns a goal that had ZERO-PROBABILITY for success into a goal that has A probability. But the struggle remains...

Ultimately, fixing your boxes gets you on the damn playing field so the real work can begin.

 

[rsrs]

The box stops me from doing what needs to be done

For me boxes are only real when I don't really know what needs to be done. I realized in the last couple years that I can do anything as long as I really know where I want to go or what I need to achieve. But in it lies the core difference of knowing for real.

I've just made a reply that totally relates to this: 8 minutes ago

I've always "wanted" to have a business but then all the boxes arises: "I don't have much money to invest", "I need to study this or that before starting", "I need to deal with a lot of strangers". I "wanted".

When I started to KNOW I will have a successful business, I can do anything to achieve that. There's no box anymore. I still deal with this a lot, when the "what ifs" find a way in my mind. But each day I remember I KNOW I am going to achieve, all those "what ifs" dissolves, and the boxes dissolves too.

 

[jstn2907]

In my earlier days, I had the box "I'm too shy" and because of that thinking, I created several boxes, like "I hate speaking in front of many people", "I don't need help, I can do it on my own" and so on. I assumed because of this one box, everything that is related to it, I don't like. After I looked beyond that box, I found out I really enjoy speaking in front of people, and of course, I can do it on my own, but I achieve faster results with help. I am a human, and everything that seems related together is still something different.

My Box right now is "I am not talented enough to program", and because of that, I do it, I am coding every day, and learning it, and one day I can say "talent" isn´t everything. It's about willpower

 

[Antifragile]

I know what I'm getting you for Christmas:

View attachment 41111

Stay Hard Boxer Briefs - 2 Pack – Shop-David-Goggins

47.5/47.5/5 COTTON/MODAL/ELASTANE. INCLUDES 1 NAVY BOXER BRIEF & 1 BLACK BOXER BRIEF.

shop.davidgoggins.com

Make sure you order a few sized down, as I am carrying some holiday weight right now. Thaaaatsss right! I take initiative and gain weight well before the holidays begin, because I am a self starter. Don’t tell me I don’t have goals in life.

 

[Jerma]

I agree and relate with this thread. I had to force myself out of a box just to post this: "I am a lurker. People don't care about what I think". This is actually a subject I think about a lot.

Boxes serve one purpose— to contain and limit. When you put yourself in a box, you contain and limit your growth. Period.

I think I disagree here, though. Instead, I believe that the boxes serves one crucial function: Survival of the current self (safety).

Also, after reading the post, I'm left thinking: "Ok, let's say I'm in a box. What do I do about it??"

I think there's a trap here. The trap of taking what I call the "bullshit" approach.

For example:
I am shy. => (bullshit) => I am NOT shy!
I am not an entrepreneur. => (bullshit) => I am an entrepreneur!
I'm not a good people person. => (bullshit) => I'm a good person!

Even if you repeat it over and over again... I feel like deep down if you know it's not true, it probably won't change anything. I think you can definitely bullshit yourself, but you can't really lie to yourself.

I also think that there's a pitfall at the other end too. The positive boxes are also traps.

For example:
Let's say I believe "I am an entrepreneur," then I might not take a job that would be key to my growth. Or if I think "I am smart," then I might not admit my mistakes or avoid doing anything complicated (so I won't undermine my belief).

IMO, the real move is to transcend the dichotomy and go to the next level (going meta). You don't deny the problem. You re-contextualize the problem as not being part of your identity.

It makes me think about Dr. Robert Kegan "constructive developmental framework." According to him, becoming a high-functioning adult is a multi-staged process. Most people (65% of the general population) never get past stage 3 out of 5 stages.

Stage 1: Purely impulse or reflex-driven (infancy and early childhood).

Stage 2: The person's sense of self is ruled by their needs and wishes. The needs and wishes of others are relevant only to the extent that they support those of the person. Effectively the person and others inhabit two "separate worlds" (childhood to adolescence).

Stage 3: The person's sense of self is socially determined, based on the real or imagined expectations of others (post-adolescence).

Stage 4: The person's sense of self is determined by a set of values that they have authored for themselves (rarely achieved, only in adulthood).

Stage 5: The person's sense of self is no longer bound to any particular aspect of themselves or their history, and they are free to allow themselves to focus on the flow of their lives.

source

The ideas in this thread are around stage 4 (top 36%). In stage 4, you gain something called "Self-authorship," where you can define and reshape your beliefs. This is the stage where self-help becomes important.

The key to moving up stages isn't learning new things (put more stuff in the box); it's changing the way we know things (changing the actual box). That's what Kegan calls the subject-object shift.

The subject-object shift happens when we move something we believe from Subject to Object.

Subject ("I AM") — Self-concepts we are attached to and thus cannot reflect on or take an objective look at. They include personality traits, assumptions about how the world works, behaviors, emotions, etc.​

​

Object ("I HAVE") — Self-concepts that we can detach ourselves from. That we can look at, reflect upon, engage, control and connect to something else.​

For example:
I'm not a person who reads books. => (shift) => I haven't made reading books an habit.
I'm not a good writer. => (shift) => I have no experience writing forum post.
I'm not a good leader. => (shift) => I have bad memories of trying to lead a group.

The shift is powerful IMO, because we have natural self-preservation tendencies (survival), and those same tendencies extend to our conceptions of ourselves. So the moment something stops being part of the Subject, it becomes a lot easier to change.

The way I see it, the boxes (Subject) filter how we see the world. It's like semi-transparent. Let's say you are in a pink box, then everything you see through the box in the world is also pink. You might be so used to being in the pink box that you don't even notice you are in the pink box. It might be painfully obvious for everybody around you that you are in a pink box, but for you, the box IS you, it's just "life." That's why the entire process is mostly transparent. It takes a lot of awareness to see the boxes because we spend most of our lives seeing through them. Also, as long as you think that the box is "true" and part of you, you won't question it or attempt to change it. You won't look for counter-evidences. You might even fight really hard if someone else tries to undermine your box because your box is part of your survival.

A good blog post about Kegan theory here.

 

[Jerma]

I never try to change people's minds on the internet, but I'll give it one more try in the spirit of trying new things. This is my take on how beliefs works. Take it or leave it.

but the part where those beliefs change your behaviour and your results is just plain wrong. I have never seen any evidence of that.

One example is the part in the books where MJ DeMarco hinself writes that he doesn't want to know where he'd be now if he never moved to a more friendly / sunny climate. I believe such key decisions make up 99% of your results and beliefs ... don't worry about that bs.

Ok, if I understand correctly, your point of view is that MJ took this big action and moved to Phoenix, and that's why he got results, and it had nothing to do with him changing his beliefs? But, where did this action come from, in your opinion? He just got this random impulse to do it?

This is the way I see it... Actually, I have an experiment for you. First, place your phone in an empty space on the desk in front of you. Now slide your phone forward by pushing it with your finger. Now, really take the time to think and answer this question : Why did the phone move?

The typical answer is that the phone moved because you pushed it (because I told you to push it). You applied a force to it, which was greater than the friction, etc. That's actually just half of it. It also moved because it had an empty space to move into.

So there are two ingredients, the force (the cause) and the space (the constraint).

If I try to push the phone with the same force, but there's a wall or something in the way, it won't move. If I don't push the phone, it also won't move no matter the space around it.

We can further break down constraints into two types. There's enabling constraints, like the space around the phone and limiting constraints, like the table under the phone (I can't push the phone downward). Those two types of constraints put together are what we call "potentiality." Then you can act within the bounds of the "potentiality" and create "actuality." In turn, this new "actuality" has a new "potentiality" for future actions.

Beliefs are exactly that, but in the mind. They are constraints. You have enabling beliefs and limiting beliefs. They don't dictate your actions, but they change what's possible or not possible for you. If you really think about it, the amount of freedom you actually have at every moment is actually completely insane. I could get up right now, walk out the door and drive to another country and never look back. I could pick up the phone and donate all my money to UNICEF.. but I don't. Why? Because of my beliefs.

The brain is constantly generating "action possibilities" (affordances) at all times by filtering the possible actions in the world through its beliefs.

If I believe that going to the gym is useless, I won't go to the gym. Even if I could easily go to the gym and nothing physically prevents me from going. If I believe "I can make it as an entrepreneur," I can easily quit my job. If I believe that I can't change my beliefs or changing my beliefs is useless... then I'm F*cked, because I'm trapped in my current set of beliefs, and the only thing that can "shake me out" is external things forcing me to change them. That's called having an external locus of control and there's good science saying that it isn't great.

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't – you're right," - Henry Ford

To go back to MJ, from my understanding from the books (and MJ can correct me if I'm wrong), what allowed him to make the decision to move was his FTE. The FTE didn't change him in any way physically or economically. Before the FTE, he *could* have potentially moved to Phoenix, but he didn't. Moving to Phoenix was clearly a good idea for him, but it wasn't an affordance for him yet. The FTE changed some of his beliefs first. Like, "I can't live like this!". The change of beliefs happened before the action (and it afforded the action). He basically took ownership of his potentiality by doing this, and that's really where the money is. You win the game by executing, but you need to right beliefs, to be able to execute on the right things. That's why working on your toxic beliefs is essential.

TLDR: Obligatory David Goggins

View: https://youtu.be/r2QdE1wjPLE?t=264

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

This thread has turned into a powerful example how we put ourselves into a terrible box and NOBODY will convince us otherwise.

@Kung Fu Steve to the rescue?

Haha. Never to the rescue. I tried playing captain "save-a-ho" in my early dating days.

1.) That old statement "you can show people the door but you can't make them walk through it" -- it's bullshit. I've learned exactly how to kick people through the door whether they want to or not... but rarely does it last more than a couple of months or years. Eventually, they go back to their old behaviors because it meets their needs.

2.) There's no stronger force in the human psyche than our need to behave consistently with our identity.

3.) There are really only 2 things that shape our lives: beliefs and values. I read through every post here and it's just everyone's beliefs about how things should be, how things are, or how you should see things the way *I* see them. You can't help someone if you're judging them... and on a more "advanced" level, it's apparent to see what our friends here would do anything to gain in their life and would do anything to AVOID in life (the latter being much more powerful).

4.) Nobody here is broken, nobody needs fixing. But if you're unhappy with your results in your life today, it's a set of conditioned patterns of beliefs and values that have put you there. If you ARE happy, there is zero reasons to change. You have the perfect strategies for what you have in your life. If you don't want more, stick with what you're doing... But the current level of thinking that got us to where we are is not the level of thinking that will get us to where we want to be... or else we'd already be there.

5.) Boundaries are barriers. The thing you use to protect yourself also keeps everyone out.

 

[missinfinity98]

As a young teenager, I once worked with a therapist that labeled me as "shy". I felt furious, as I knew myself better. I was smart and trusted myself. As a therapist, she failed to see that my mother was abusive and it was the source of some of the traits I developed. She failed at her job, and I was depressed for a while, feeling isolated and misunderstood, as many teenagers sadly are. On the bright side, I used the energy from emotions I felt to seek answers to questions. And I had many. I embraced my individuality and dived into curiosity about myself and the universe. And now I reflect on MJ's question "what box have you locked yourself up in?" - a woman perhaps? There is so much bs out there: "women are from Venus, men are from Mars" (seriously...?). Also lately I started reading a great book by a german author Ute Ehrhard called "Good girls go to heaven, bad girls everywhere". It is not about becoming a psychopath as if that would be that easy It is pointing out all the traps in society and XXI century culture that trap women. Like being "nice". Or taking care more of others and putting self-love, needs of self on the side (??!). Self-denial crushes self-worth. The moral code of sacrificing oneself for someone else is an anti-life philosophy. And yet... books, movies, music are filled with toxic examples of all of that.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Guest-5ty5s4]

Introvert - I’ve practiced very hard on flipping that one and forcing myself to act more extroverted, and am happy to report that it’s working.

Small town / hometown / stick with opportunities in hand - this box still plagues me for reasons that are too complicated for this post, but basically, I am sitting on a potential goldmine even though I would love to explore a bit more. I’ve always been the “responsible” and “loyal” one who will stick with plan...

Offline businesses and being “old fashioned” : always trying to be the contrarian, I’ve found that I have stuck myself into this box in a rather odd way. I need to get open minded about new ways of doing business and new technologies...again.

All in all I’m still progressing slowly but plan to make some bigger jumps, learn new skills that are way out of my normal path, and accept more risk in my life. That will shatter the boxes.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[NewManRising]

I used to put myself in many boxes. Some of the big ones were " I'm too shy", "I'm too different", "Not smart enough", " I have no money" and so on. But nowadays I don't really struggle with this. My mindset has changed and I do believe I can achieve great things.

My main problem is that I still have people lingering in my life that try to put me in their box. I know some people consciously try to drag you down but many do it unconsciously. It's like they seek to make everything conform to their actions and belief systems. They want you to be a minimum wage loser, spend all your money on some new gadget, play video games all night, get drunk, overeat and get fat, etc etc.

I've realized that these people live a purposeless life. There is no direction or aim. Their life is merely a series of instinctual movements or those based on feelings that hop from one cheap pleasure to the next.

I don't know what to do other than just disappear. It is hard when it is your family though. They also do not respect boundaries, don't care about your dreams, etc. In fact, they keep doubling down on trying to get you to ditch your priorities and join them in pointless bullshit that just goes in circles and doesn't accomplish anything.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[TheLearner]

For example, I feel that my box is that I'm a writer. It makes me think that the only kind of business that can work for me is a business that relies in one way or another on writing. In a way, my success as a writer put me in a very limiting box. I assume it's the same with athletes, artists, etc. You succeed with one thing and then think that everything in your life moving forward has to revolve around this one thing.

I was in this headspace for a long time, it was hard for me to wrap my head around how entrepreneurs could go from one industry to another and be successful in each. For example how does Elon Musk go from developing a website, to payments, to rockets, to electric cars, AND succeed in each one?? I know he is the most extreme example on the planet of this, but there are a lot of successful entrepreneurs that have been successful in one industry and then gone into another industry and have been just as successful or even more successful. I used to think that I had to be bound to whatever my experience/profession had been up to that point when looking for business ideas, but then I realized all these people just hired others who had the skills they lacked in an industry and charged ahead, they were just skilled at finding what people wanted, then providing it to them. With athletes, artists, writers, etc. you have to have the skill of that sport, that type of artistry, the skill of great writing, but in business it seems like you don't need to be very skilled in your industry. You could manufacture and sell clothes without knowing how to sew, you could build and sell software without knowing how to code, you could build and sell houses without having a clue as to how to use a hammer.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

I was talking to my youngest today about how I literally moved 3000 miles away in order to escape boxes that other people had me trapped in: shy, weird, only book-smart, ungainly...

When I moved, no one here had any idea of who I was, they took whatever I said and presented at face value. Utterly life-changing. And it gave me the opportunity to work on the prison I built in my own mind: old-fashioned, strict, uncreative, boring...

One of the books that really helped me (missinfity98, you'll appreciate this) was a tongue-in-cheek book called "Getting In Touch With Your Inner Bitch", on how to use the phrase 'I don't think so' to get away from enforced Toxic Niceness. (I'm nice. I just have firm boundaries.)

I'm currently working on the box of 'I can do it myself'; that one has never served me well.

 

[Jerma]

Oh, I see. You are quite deep into this kind of thinking. Last try.

Saying: change your beliefs because they determine your actions ... that is the "draw the rest of the f*cking owl" kind of oversimplification that leaves the advice with zero utility.

Your first objection was that changing beliefs don't lead to changing behaviors. So now you are saying that I'm not explaining how to change beliefs. I 100% agree that I didn't explain it and that changing beliefs is challenging. Notice what you are doing, though? You are moving the goalpost! That's very convenient. Moving the goalpost is a great way never to make any progress in life.

Why doesn't it have utility? Having a good framework is useful no?

If you look at MJ FTE... In his case, one key ingredient to change beliefs is to have some powerful negative emotion that leads to some kind of insight. So strong emotions are probably worth investigating. Not just stuff you read in a book. It needs to be more powerful than that. It's the difference between knowing something and believing something. He knew those things before the FTE, but he didn't truly believed it until the FTE? I don't have all the answers, but I'm working at it.. because I believe I can get to the point where I will understand.

Your post is just.. so full of limiting beliefs. It's shocking to me. I'm not making a value judgement here. I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm saying REALIZE that you are full of limiting beliefs. Reread your post and look at all the limits you place on yourself.

The real constraints are real and the freedom only exists in theory ... in almost any attempted escape from my job I would end up on the streets because it is not easy to afford a $750 apartment without a job. And that alone leaves pretty much zero room to maneuver.

You realize that this isn't necessarily true in reality? But it is totally true for YOU.
Many people on this forum would tell you that you are wrong. But being told you are wrong probably won't change your beliefs.
Realize that your beliefs are constructing your reality.
Realize that if you don't control your beliefs, your beliefs control you.
Do whatever you want with that.

 

[Guest-5ty5s4]

Haha. Never to the rescue. I tried playing captain "save-a-ho" in my early dating days.

1.) That old statement "you can show people the door but you can't make them walk through it" -- it's bullshit. I've learned exactly how to kick people through the door whether they want to or not... but rarely does it last more than a couple of months or years. Eventually, they go back to their old behaviors because it meets their needs.

2.) There's no stronger force in the human psyche than our need to behave consistently with our identity.

3.) There are really only 2 things that shape our lives: beliefs and values. I read through every post here and it's just everyone's beliefs about how things should be, how things are, or how you should see things the way *I* see them. You can't help someone if you're judging them... and on a more "advanced" level, it's apparent to see what our friends here would do anything to gain in their life and would do anything to AVOID in life (the latter being much more powerful).

4.) Nobody here is broken, nobody needs fixing. But if you're unhappy with your results in your life today, it's a set of conditioned patterns of beliefs and values that have put you there. If you ARE happy, there is zero reasons to change. You have the perfect strategies for what you have in your life. If you don't want more, stick with what you're doing... But the current level of thinking that got us to where we are is not the level of thinking that will get us to where we want to be... or else we'd already be there.

5.) Boundaries are barriers. The thing you use to protect yourself also keeps everyone out.

Inject this into my veins! Haha, just a joke. But wow that was amazing and it resonated well.

First step is desire, and I have the strong desire to develop exactly the type of thinking you described - the desire to change my own thinking. Thank you for illuminating this Steve!

 

[Mathuin]

For the past couple of years, I thought I was very introverted and possibly autistic. I wasn't very social and didn't speak much.

Last month I started a beginner's MMA class and when I'm at the gym or walking back with some of the others who go, I am very social and never shut up.

It wasn't even a concious decision. I didn't say to myself that I was going to talk to everyone and try to be more outgoing. Maybe it was an environment thing, I'm not too sure.

 

[MTF]

As David Goggins would say "stay hard"

I know what I'm getting you for Christmas:

Stay Hard Boxer Briefs - 2 Pack – Shop-David-Goggins

47.5/47.5/5 COTTON/MODAL/ELASTANE. INCLUDES 1 NAVY BOXER BRIEF & 1 BLACK BOXER BRIEF.

shop.davidgoggins.com

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Jerma]

@Kung Fu Steve Thank you for the wise words. It's what I needed to hear. I would love if you could elaborate on point 3 because I'm not sure I'm quite there with my understanding yet (maybe not in this thread).

This thread is about putting the horse in front of the cart ... an absolute necessity that most people won't do, and hence, most people are absolutely destined for failure.

Yes, that's exactly it. That's what I was also trying to say.

Your books have been instrumental for my own mindset. My business is enjoying six figures profit this year for the first time, and it's in part thanks to you. I'm very grateful for that.

At the same time, I'm nowhere near where I want to be. I know for a fact that I'm hitting against my limiting beliefs every single day.. I have so much work left to do. I think about that a lot.

I really appreciate this space you have created online, and I hope I can contribute to it in a meaningful manner and learn more from you guys in the future. Thanks!

 

[woken]

Funny how this forum has a way of showing new posts exactly when one needs them.


Just today was thinking about this as I had an argument with my mom.
Whenever I try to teach her something, she says she’s not in the mood for it. Moments later she blames me for not teaching her what I just did for her to help her. WTF?

This is how everyone in my family is.
I wanted to help, they did not listen yet they keep blaming me for their own shortcomings.
It hurts, but I’ve always felt like an outsider within my own family so not much I can do about it anyway.

Some people are better off left in them boxes . Only by themselves they can get out of their own boxes.

edit: I realize this is a bit stretched from MJ’s post but it still makes sense for me.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Guest-5ty5s4]

I was in this headspace for a long time, it was hard for me to wrap my head around how entrepreneurs could go from one industry to another and be successful in each. For example how does Elon Musk go from developing a website, to payments, to rockets, to electric cars, AND succeed in each one?? I know he is the most extreme example on the planet of this, but there are a lot of successful entrepreneurs that have been successful in one industry and then gone into another industry and have been just as successful or even more successful. I used to think that I had to be bound to whatever my experience/profession had been up to that point when looking for business ideas, but then I realized all these people just hired others who had the skills they lacked in an industry and charged ahead, they were just skilled at finding what people wanted, then providing it to them. With athletes, artists, writers, etc. you have to have the skill of that sport, that type of artistry, the skill of great writing, but in business it seems like you don't need to be very skilled in your industry. You could manufacture and sell clothes without knowing how to sew, you could build and sell software without knowing how to code, you could build and sell houses without having a clue as to how to use a hammer.

Listen to @Kak on his radio show where he really explains this best:
“All of the worlds resources... are available to good leaders.”

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Andre Aguiar]

Funny how this forum has a way of showing new posts exactly when one needs them.


Just today was thinking about this as I had an argument with my mom.
Whenever I try to teach her something, she says she’s not in the mood for it. Moments later she blames me for not teaching her what I just did for her to help her. WTF?

This is how everyone in my family is.
I wanted to help, they did not listen yet they keep blaming me for their own shortcomings.
It hurts, but I’ve always felt like an outsider within my own family so not much I can do about it anyway.

Some people are better off left in them boxes . Only by themselves they can get out of their own boxes.

edit: I realize this is a bit stretched from MJ’s post but it still makes sense for me.

I also feel that my family is one of my boxes, even after almost 6 years living in my own home.

Specially my brother and sister, they hate capitalism and people with money.
I used to think like them in my teens, but I woke up and now I'm in my way to a better life, with money, freedom and exciting projects; and their life looks always the same, with the same job, the same complaints, the same thoughts...

But, at the same time, whenever I think about having an expensive car, for instance, the first thing in my mind is "what will they think of me?"
I know I still have many of those old thoughts in my mind, but now I can manage them better and pursue my goals.

It's not easy, but the more I know myself, more I can advance to a new mindset and a new life.
It all starts with controlling my mind and my thoughts.

 

[Boogie]

There is a saying:

Writers write.

It's that simple. If you want to be a writer, then just start writing. You're now a writer. You may not be polished or consistent or published yet or whatever, but you're a beginning writer. Feedback and work will improve you. But it's that first step. All you have to think is "I'm a writer." and keep writing.

Same thing for anything else you think is boxing you in.

If you want to be a programmer, then get a python or whatever book and start writing code. You're now a beginning programmer. You might not have business experience but you've started and you can go from there. We all did. I was a paid programmer long before I got my computer science degree. I was self taught. I just worked through books writing code all the time and it all made sense and I got gigs and helped people with code.

Your parents hate what you want to do or want to sabotage you or don't like your politics or whatever? Who cares. You just do your thing and now to some degree you own it. It's just a matter of improving. Improve it quickly if it's important to your success.

Any other mental masturbation comes down to what MJ termed action faking. You need to analyze something to make sure you can get out of your box? Screw that.

If you want to grow, then do the work and quit thinking about it. A lot of us forget as we get older that when we were young, we had to learn and do things quickly enough that we could turn around homework daily and take tests with no excuses. If you just jumped through the hoops, you were fine. It just took activity. As adults, we let ourselves off too easily.

With respect to it being preservation, maybe. Or maybe it's just mental masturbation and a lack of willingness to jump into the deep end and make it work.

 

[Jerma]

That is not how I remember it. I remember that I felt that no matter how hard I practised for tests, I could barely control the outcome. The subject was either something I was okay at (English, Math, ...) or really bad (History, French, ...) and then within the predetermined range that I always landed in it came down to if the test itself was particularly difficult or easy.

That's like the definition of a fixed mindset. If you are looking for the thing that's holding you back.. That's probably it.

I feel like most of this talk about your beliefs just sounds correct but actual numbers won't back any of it up ...
or at least there might be another important mechanism that we don't think about that determines how much your beliefs affect the outcome.

Sure, there's more than beliefs. There are also your natural abilities and genetics. The thing about those is that it's boring to talk about them because you can't change them. But, at the same time, they don't define you either. Also, the impact of beliefs is so disproportional that it's where the money is at anyway.

I don't see any evidence that deeply rooted beliefs and affirmations change my trajectory. Things just seem to happen as if a movie played itself out.

If you don't see any evidence, it either means there isn't any or that you aren't looking for it. You are constantly filtering your experiences through your beliefs, and you might just not realize it. It's not always in the form of a sentence like "I am bad at driving"; most of the time, it's not verbal. Like for example, you step into a classroom. Automatically, you assume the "student" identity, sit down, don't talk, and take notes. You are automatically behaving in the way you believe a student should act. You could act in a million different ways instead, but you don't. You probably do that for every other role you have in life: employee, customer, programmer, son, parent, etc. The important concept to realize is that you are doing all that unconsciously. In that sense, it really is like watching a movie unfold. Of course, it's possible to take a more active role and reprogram yourself, but most people are just running the programming already there.

 

[Boogie]

Writers write.

It's that simple. If you want to be a writer, then just start writing. You're now a writer. You may not be polished or consistent or published yet or whatever, but you're a beginning writer. Feedback and work will improve you. But it's that first step. All you have to think is "I'm a writer." and keep writing.

That post gets better with a "do the work" section. But nothing about any of this is simple. Making that shift on a subconscious level is tricky. Just telling yourself that you are a writer now is not the powerful part.

Totally agree with your original post and most of the replies here, but given the Youtube guru self-help backdrop I feel like what many people will make of it is counterproductive to taking action and will lead to many burst bubbles down the road.

I didn't expect to be taken this far out of context. This is not guru babble. This is reality. Go do something and then get better at it. That's at the heart of just about anything you do.

Please do not take this as a critical, abusive, dick response. I am trying to address the things you've said in your response to me and some others.

What was initially mentioned by MJ is the idea that people find themselves in boxes of their own construction.

You can't read a book. You can't write a blog post, etc.

Changing at that level is simple. Go do it. Mastery will take longer.

Write your first post, your first article, whatever. Eat your first bite of a vegetable. Lift your first weight. Whatever in your life you think you can't possibly do, you probably can. Take a baby step and go on.

But if someone says, I can't read or I can't write. BS. They aren't doing the work. I have a relative who won't get a GED or read unless it's just stuff on the internet. It's his decision. He's lazy. He gave up on life very early.

I just said you have to make the decision to do something and then go do it and over time with work and feedback, you should get better at it. Maybe you really can't master that thing, but who cares? Good enough is often what you need. You don't need to be Rembrandt for most things. But you aren't being stopped from doing most things. Just go do something. Or switch directions to something you want to do or quit.

But if you're here saying there is no way it will be fixed because you have all kinds of barriers that you have a real psychological issue or something you won't address, you're right. Nothing will change. I agree with @Kung Fu Steve .

That isn't judgement and it isn't guru anything. It's the truth. You won't change unless you're willing to find a way to change your approach.

You said you learned math. I would suppose that you probably worked thousands of math problems and it wasn't just something you did from osmosis just from making the decision. You had to make the decision daily to go get your work done. You had to do the work. Each bit of work built on the last. And hard problems got easier. You had to meet someone's expectation of a crap ton of math problems over many years and you did it. Your teacher gave you instruction, gave you a list of problems to do and a deadline. You had the responsibility of getting them done or facing the consequences. That list of cumulative experience lead to some level of mastery.

Same with programming. You did the work even if you said it was easy. You still had to do the work and I bet you still find some things you don't know in programming. That's nothing different from what I said. You made a decision to do it and you did it. Your decision may have been spurred by an outside stimulus, a teacher, but you had to make the decision to show up and do the work.

Just like in math or programming, you have to be able to do the same thing for yourself in other areas without someone driving you. That's the nature of owning a business if that's what you're going for.

Let's explore programming.

Regarding people not begin able to create value by coding: If you've worked as a programmer, you've probably provided value for an employer or you would be out of a job. That's how it works. You provide value to a business owner who needs to have something tracked or computed so he doesn't have as much labor cost, or as many mistakes, or so he can produce things that were previously impossible. Whatever. You can do that as an employee or you can build it as a software vendor or consultant.

Can you find some software that could be better and make your own? Or find something that could be simpler? Could you build the next math or ML system or do consulting in them? Why do other software companies exist when we have Adobe and it covers everything? Because Adobe stuff is complicated. Some people need easy.

If you can't think of some other way to provide value with it, maybe you could take Fox's course. Or go find an entrepreneur friend and find out what kind of software could be used in his business that might not exist. Create a partnership if you have to. But there are domains that people are writing code in. If you're good at it, in the US, you can pull a lot of money. Some get a half a million a year. Programming can be fastlane. It depends on how you think of it. Fastlane is a mindset. You could sell your programming services online.

If you still can't produce value as a programmer, then you probably still know enough to get value from other programmers to produce something for someone else because you know the basics. You could hire people to program for you. You could hire a team to program for someone else and provide value in the consulting market. You could hire someone to make web pages for you to sell or to use. You could hire people to do whatever. All of that can be done with that knowledge.

One of my friends who isn't a programmer has a ML product for the drug research industry. He will make 10's of millions from it. BTW, he also doesn't know squat about medicine or science. He hires the guys who can do the work.

Maybe you can't think of things to add value to because you haven't been involved in any other domains. What domain knowledge do you have? Could you write libraries for your current industry and sell them? Could you learn about different industries?

Billions were made in machine learning over the last decade.

Billions were made in health programming in the last decade.

Billions will be made in web 3 over the next decade. You could be there early and take advantage of it. I have a friend that vacations all over the world based on his crypto and web 3 consulting to large companies.

I didn't say anything about easy. But you seem to be digging in hard that there can't be any value in programming.

Maybe you really just don't want to. In that regard I agree with you, no amount of positive thinking non-sense will change your position.

Yeah, you can't know the experiences I have made ... which is really important before you judge how shockingly pathetic those limiting beliefs are. I had a pristine growth mindset and an inner scorecard probably since I tried getting into pickup which means we are looking at 2 decades ... and I thought people with a fixed mindset are morons ... but when I look at what how they talk about the world and my crazy hopes, then they were more right that I can ever be.

I could probably reserve around 30k to strike out ... each year I can add around 15k and there is no way 30k would keep me afloat for more than one year and to make money with software I need a team of 3-5 expensive developers and at least 3 years. I'd have a really bad conscience taking a cheaper appartment away from a student. Those appartments pretty much don't exist. I'd have to look into getting into a shared apartment and I know I could not produce anything in such an environment.

Growth mindset and your hopes don't mean anything without focused action and self-correction. It's 20 years of your life wasted.

You could be consulting internationally for no out of pocket cost.

My friend's husband travels the world doing SAP consulting and has made millions.

Just change the mental game.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

My business is enjoying six figures profit this year for the first time, and it's in part thanks to you. I'm very grateful for that.

Holy sh*t ... a big congrats to you! You have no idea, this excites me probably more than it does you.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.