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O/T: Funnies Weight Loss Miracle!

Discussion in 'Off Topic: Sports, Funnies, Pop-Culture' started by JesseO, Aug 28, 2007.

  1. JesseO
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    JesseO Contributor

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    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day/10-lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

    The sign reads,"If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

    A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

    The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

    On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20-lb. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me."

    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

    This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So, for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

    He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

    "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

    "Absolutely," he replies. "I haven't felt this good in years."

    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
     
  2. JesseO
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    JesseO Contributor

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    Didn't want to start a new thread again, so here's another funny...

    After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

    The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right ma in landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
     
  3. Russ H
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    Russ H Gold Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane Speedway Pass

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    Maybe it's just my mood, but I LOVED your posts!

    :smilielol:

    -Russ H.
     
  4. JesseO
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    JesseO Contributor

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    I've heard this one before, but it might be new to some of ya...



    A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra, but his request was denied.

    "Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked. "It's not safe," the doctor replied.

    "But I need it really bad," the man explained.

    "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."

    "Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check to see if there are any side effects."

    On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

    The man said, "No one showed up."
     
  5. JesseO
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    JesseO Contributor

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    This one's for Peter2: :smxD:

    Q: What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely?
    A: Half a cat.

    Just kidding, I like cats :p
    View attachment 111
     
  6. JesseO
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    JesseO Contributor

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    Joke

    Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!

    The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

    Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

    I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos...... (MIDNIGHT)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight".

    He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

    Then he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. s**t!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
     
  7. JesseO
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    JesseO Contributor

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  8. JesseO
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    JesseO Contributor

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    All you with programming knowledge should dig this one.

    Joke:

    A group of 4 Microsoft .NET programmers and a group of 4 Java programmers are going on a train to an expo. The MS programmers buy a ticket each, and then watch the Java programmers proceed to buy one ticket between them.

    The MS programmers are intrigued and when they get on the train, they watch the Java programmers to see what they do when the guard comes to check the tickets. It turns out that, before the guard comes, they all cram into the toilet. The guard knocks on the door, and asks for the ticket. The guard takes it from under the door, and slides it back.

    The MS programmers are all impressed, so on the way back, they buy only one ticket. Only to watch the Java folks get on the train without buying a ticket at all.

    When they get on the train, the MS people cram into the toilet, as they saw the Java folks on the earlier journey. The Java programmers then knock on the door, and say "Ticket please". The MS programmers slide the ticket under the door, as they saw the Java programmers do earlier.

    "Thank you", they say. "You steal our methods, but you don't understand them."
     
  9. TNT
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    TNT New Contributor

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    JesseO

    Thanks I needed that....

    Talmadge
     
  10. Russ H
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    Russ H Gold Contributor Read Millionaire Fastlane Speedway Pass

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    Jesse, your joke was hilarious. :smilielol:

    It reminds me of the lightbulb joke:

    Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    A: None. It's a hardware problem. :)

    -Russ H.
     

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