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Those of you who are very social and have alot of friends, how do you do it?

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fastermillionair

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Feb 23, 2020
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I have always struggled making friends and maintaining relationships because of low self esteem, and lack of personality. Now the thing is, I am in college and its been difficult for me to make friends. I have always wanted to be social and that guy who can make friends with anyone and have fun, and i know my low self esteem is why i struggle but i cant seem to fix it. I ma not witty enough, and if someone insults me I am not able to give it back to them and amongst lads this is necessary and it essentially is what forms the friendship. Like i often have difficulty standing up for myself, and many times i feel like i am not respected, which results in me being more quiet and reserved. I really hate this and i just want to get rid of this.
 
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Stargazer

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Make yourself join a social type of club at University (Presumably this is what you mean by College?)

The easiest type is something like Salsa Dancing. You just turn up and start in the beginners class.

You're normally in a two circles, Women and Men , and you pair with someone, do a step for about 1 minute then the instructor says move on to the next person.

So you are not exactly having to start any major conversation here yet over time get to know the others in your group then you move up a level.

Have you tried something like this?

Dan
 

Johnny boy

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Dan's a nerd don't go to salsa dancing to make friends as a young man. Lmfao cringe.

You're in college.

Lift weights
Party
Drop loser friends
Improve your style
Change your persona.
Listen to some roddy ricch and talk more like a surfer or a frat dude.
Get a tan and an accessory or two. Keep your hair cut fresh.
Do not get a girlfriend unless you have a few of them.
Be the type of dude that rips his shirt off and dives off of any ledge and backflips into a body of water at the first opportunity
Stop apologizing
Talk shit to anyone who talks shit to you. If they have a dick and do it just punch them in the face with no warning.

extra:
play a sport
host parties
ask out and hookup with all the chicks in your classes

as for meeting winner friends, be a winner and it'll be easy to attract them. Then, when you meet cool people, exchange info all the time and be the person who initiates and schedules stuff
 

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What yours gym / workout habits? (genuine question)
 
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SamRussell

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- Start working out regularly.
- Join a sports team of some sort. Goto practice, accept their invitations to hang out - you don't have to stay all night, but at least show up for a bit.
- Read Nathaniel Brandan's "Six Pillars of Self Esteem" and do the exercises.
- Read Psychocybernetics
 

Hong_Kong

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I have always struggled making friends and maintaining relationships because of low self esteem, and lack of personality. Now the thing is, I am in college and its been difficult for me to make friends. I have always wanted to be social and that guy who can make friends with anyone and have fun, and i know my low self esteem is why i struggle but i cant seem to fix it. I ma not witty enough, and if someone insults me I am not able to give it back to them and amongst lads this is necessary and it essentially is what forms the friendship. Like i often have difficulty standing up for myself, and many times i feel like i am not respected, which results in me being more quiet and reserved. I really hate this and i just want to get rid of this.
This is a blessing in-disguise. One thing I learned from the Donald Trump documentary was that when he was in University, he didn't party. He didn't have any friends. Other people would walk around campus chatting and having fun, he wouldn't. He would have a chauffeur drive him to campus in the back of a limo, he would do his classes and leave. He didn't care about friends, only getting back to NYC so he could do real estate.

The number one thing I would change about how I did University, is I would have skipped every party I went to, and I wouldn't have made any friends. I would just focus 100% on making money.
 

Levit

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This is a blessing in-disguise. One thing I learned from the Donald Trump documentary was that when he was in University, he didn't party. He didn't have any friends. Other people would walk around campus chatting and having fun, he wouldn't. He would have a chauffeur drive him to campus in the back of a limo, he would do his classes and leave. He didn't care about friends, only getting back to NYC so he could do real estate.

The number one thing I would change about how I did University, is I would have skipped every party I went to, and I wouldn't have made any friends. I would just focus 100% on making money.
That might honestly be one of the saddest stories I've ever heard...
 
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Andy Black

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I have always struggled making friends and maintaining relationships because of low self esteem, and lack of personality. Now the thing is, I am in college and its been difficult for me to make friends. I have always wanted to be social and that guy who can make friends with anyone and have fun, and i know my low self esteem is why i struggle but i cant seem to fix it. I ma not witty enough, and if someone insults me I am not able to give it back to them and amongst lads this is necessary and it essentially is what forms the friendship. Like i often have difficulty standing up for myself, and many times i feel like i am not respected, which results in me being more quiet and reserved. I really hate this and i just want to get rid of this.
Sounds like you're a bit hard on yourself. Relax, be yourself, and give less f*cks what other people think.

Someone insults you? Laugh it off and move on. If it was a genuine insult then you know what they're like now. If it was "witty lads banter" ... well, I personally can't be bothered with that empty noise. I feel it's between people who are mates not actual friends. I fell into that crowd when I was in college and it took me years to get back to being myself.

As you get older you'll likely realise you were fine the way you were. Maybe work on your self esteem a bit though. Lifting weights or doing boxing or similar might help.

Making friends is easy. Ask questions and actually pay attention to what they say. Just don't try to be friends with everyone. A few good friends is better than loads of mates imo. Again, you'll likely realise this as you get older.
 

Mikkel

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How do you become confident? Accomplish something that gives you the right to feel confident.

You can sike yourself out all you want, but if you don't feel worthy, then you are going to feel hollow inside.

The gym is a great way to gain confidence. You can barely bench bar at the gym? Cool. Make it a goal to bench 125 or 215 lbs and then do it.

Accomplish important tasks every day. Entrepreneurs need to do this every day if they want to have any chance at being successful. I lowkey feel like a badass when I meet with a lawyer about business, talk to/visit a warehouse that I am interested in doing business with, working with suppliers to bring supplies from other countries into my home country. That right there is enough to give me confidence in me. Taking action and doing things that are important will give you confidence.

You have to overcome obstacles in your life. Start with small obstacles. Find the thing you want to do least... do it first thing in the morning. Get wins under your belt.

How do you overcome the fear that maybe you don't deserve to be in the gym, speak to a lawyer, meet with a warehousing company, etc? You just have to do it. Pretend you are someone else just for that moment if you need to. That is what I did when I spoke to the first person looking to lease me a warehouse. I fabricated some things because I probably wasn't ready to look for a warehouse at that time. But I did it, and I learned a lot from the experience. A few months later and I'm more confident and understand my business and now I'm just calling people because I was able to take the first step. No one laughed at me. No one called me out. I didn't die from being bold for a few minutes when making the first phone call.

If you can be confident with who you are, you should have no problem talking with anyone else because, in your mind, you're a badass. Soon you will realize that many people are paralyzed by the same fears. Most people who are outgoing are people who have already jumped over obstacles and are comfortable with who they are.
 

Angler

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If you are disrespected and don't stand up for yourself, then you may not be holding yourself to high enough standards. You must have high standards for yourself even if others find it laughable. When you have high standards, you won't take shit from others or get offended easily if they disapprove of you. You know you can do better. You know there are better people waiting for you. You know that you ALWAYS have grander options.

External:
Perhaps you are structurally frail, overweight, lethargic, or weak at the moment because you're in a spiral of self-doubt. As a result, you may feel incline to be submissive and shy. If so this could be fix with better eating and sleeping habits and lifting weights. All require discipline and will build self-esteem if you stick to it(the important part is sticking to it). You will see that your life will improve almost tenfolds if you can consistently eat, lift, and sleep.

Internal:
If there's something internally holding you back, some trauma you have not conquer or accepted(some insecurities about yourself), then it's time to face them. Bring these inner demons up and call their bluffs. You can do this through asking self-reflecting questions about your trauma to the point where you understand where it comes from fully. When you can understand your trauma and accept them, you will regain control of your reality.

“Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.”

By going through these self questionings you become the empathetic witness. That is self-reliance.

GL friend!
 
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heavy_industry

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Train hard, eat well, sleep well, don't use artificial ways to entertain yourself and instead practice being social and having fun with other people. Start confronting the things you're afraid of, because the alternative is worse.

And do all the other things Johnny said and you'll be good.
 

hatedsalesrep

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I have always struggled making friends and maintaining relationships because of low self esteem, and lack of personality. Now the thing is, I am in college and its been difficult for me to make friends. I have always wanted to be social and that guy who can make friends with anyone and have fun, and i know my low self esteem is why i struggle but i cant seem to fix it. I ma not witty enough, and if someone insults me I am not able to give it back to them and amongst lads this is necessary and it essentially is what forms the friendship. Like i often have difficulty standing up for myself, and many times i feel like i am not respected, which results in me being more quiet and reserved. I really hate this and i just want to get rid of this.
Answer these questions:

  1. Do you exercise? Are you fat? Skinny-fat? Pudgy?
  2. Do you actually go out at all on the weekends? How often do you actually socialize?
  3. Have you practiced any martial arts? Do you feel comfortable potentially getting into a fight?
  4. How's your diet? Do you cook at home? Do you eat balanced vegetable/protein/carb meals?
  5. Do you have any hobbies? Play any sports?
  6. Have you tried to join any clubs?
  7. Do you have any income coming from a job or business?
I don't really care about the answers, they are more for yourself. Stop coming here for pity and F*cking do something about it. Trust me, shit can change quickly. You can go from Freshman to Junior and be ripped, have solid hobbies, be a blue belt in BJJ, and be extremely socially confident with an abundant mindset from all the times you went out and practiced your social skills. Or, you can be in your dorm with your dick in your hand, overweight, and friendless. The choice is yours.

You may feel the odds are F*cking stacked against you. You need to just accept that you are where you are. Don't rationalize it. Just make the changes. It will suck and it will take longer than you want. You will want to stop after a month. Don't. This is a long-term game.

I was in your similar position. I didn't make the changes until after college. It's a regret I have. You'll never be in that kind of environment again. Yes - grind, but also enjoy. You're way ahead by posing that question and with the right drive you'll take all this advice and become big man on campus before you graduate.
 

thomasdao

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Jun 21, 2021
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I'd like to add that you might want to check out Jordan Peterson's lectures, they help me a lot when I was struggling to build up my confidence.
 
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Andy Black

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thechosen1

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- Start working out regularly.
- Join a sports team of some sort. Goto practice, accept their invitations to hang out - you don't have to stay all night, but at least show up for a bit.
- Read Nathaniel Brandan's "Six Pillars of Self Esteem" and do the exercises.
- Read Psychocybernetics
That Nathaniel Branden book was really good. If you're a nerd who overthinks everything (like me) it is very insightful and eye-opening. Made me a lot more confident and helped me realize a lot of stuff about myself.

As far as college goes, it was tough for me as a freshman because I only knew anyone for let's say, 1 month. How are you going to be good friends with someone you've known 1 month? By junior year though I had friends I knew for 3 years - that's a real friend. It takes time to build memories and friendship with people. Just keep doing stuff.
 
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OMDA

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I was pretty socially awkward in college for various reasons. A few things helped:

Sports you can do in groups. I ended up doing a lot of biking on the road and off the road, and even did a mountain biking race thanks to some friends I met.
Clubs/activity groups. You have to be careful with this. You want something that will let you meet others that are interested in similar things. But, if those similar things you are passionate about attract the wrong kind of people, rethink this. I ended up hanging out with a bunch of introverts and inactive types in one case. I had to leave that one.
As others have mentioned, go to the gym and make it a regular habit. You can eventually meet good friends this way. Try to be open and ask for advice from someone who knows something. You probably have good free access as a student to a gym system.
Try to find a place where people are designing/building things and hang out to see if you want to help. There are probably lots of competitive groups. People were building race cars, satellites, airplanes, and other people were building software, businesses, etc. Try a few out and see what sticks.
Maybe try a course to learn a foreign language. This will force you to interact with others in a difficult manner, and humble you. This helped me tremendously and I used language learning skills for a lot of my adult life in various ways.
 
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SamRussell

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That Nathaniel Branden book was really good. If you're a nerd who overthinks everything (like me) it is very insightful and eye-opening. Made me a lot more confident and helped me realize a lot of stuff about myself.

As far as college goes, it was tough for me as a freshman because I only knew anyone for let's say, 1 month. How are you going to be good friends with someone you've known 1 month? By junior year though I had friends I knew for 3 years - that's a real friend. It takes time to build memories and friendship with people. Just keep doing stuff.

The exercises are very good too, simple and effective.
 

Ing

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Ask everybody: what do you work and what do you do in your free time( second comes second, but is far more importand) than listen!

Read : how to make friends and influence people

Now you know all. Than chose wisely with whom to be friends
 

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