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Earlier this week I ended my longterm relationship with my ex. I realized how toxic it was after reading an article about a psychologist about a mental health disorder, and the whole article I realized was an exact description of how my ex treated me and other people, sadly something she will be unable to fix until she decides to take responsibility and get the necessary help for.
My question to you guys is, for those who have ended toxic relationships or been dumped by a toxic partner, what are the emotional and psychological side effects, how long do they last, and how has the breakup positively affected your personal growth and goal achievement?
My ex husband was abusive, verbally, physically and sexually. I'm pretty sure either he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or BPD too, but I will never know. He had no empathy, no respect for boundaries, apologies were just something he said because he was supposed to I guess, because he would do the same things the next day. Guilt trips were the order of the day, I was scared of his reactions over little stuff, giving in was much easier than go through the drama if I said no....Of course, all the abuse, the guilt tripping, the manipulation was somehow my fault; I had done something to deserve it according to him, I had to try harder, If I wasn't so "x" he wouldn't do "y". But it was a losing battle. After 4 years of marriage (7 relationship total) I had to leave for my own safety and sanity. It's been two years, and I'm only starting to feel like I've attained a significant level of healing. I don't know how long you were with this person but the longer you are and the more emotional trauma you are exposed to the longer the healing takes. Even then, it's a wound that reopens way too easily, in my case at least. I was too in love with this person, I was so determined to be happy together, and it was super hard to process how "cheated" I felt that he harmed me so much while saying he loved me and wanted the best for me. Heck he probably literally cheated too, idk.
He's (and all his circles too)blocked from absolutely everywhere and his emails go to junk which is the only thing I see occasionally --two years later he keeps sending emails, alternating between calling me a bitch that used him and asking me out on a date because he says he misses me--. Don't expect any type of closure, there will be none on her part because they can't own their actions. The only closure is moving on, and that will be a process on its own.
The benefits? Peace. Even when you're grieving the relationship, you can appreciate coming home to a safe place where nobody yells at you nor you have to be walking on eggshells. You'll slowly find yourself again instead of the person you had to pretend to be to keep them happy and not triggered... I highly recommend going to therapy to talk about it because it can be quite the rollercoaster, and you may miss her and think of their "good persona" and miss her and second guess yourself plenty of times. Except that person doesn't exist, it's just who they show you to reel you in. It's sick and twisted but that is how it works.
Therapy will help you identify even the subtle ways they used to make you think you were wrong, manipulate you, made you feel bad, which will help you filter out new people much faster. Also because you might need to do a lot of catharsis. Once you are armed with what you learn you will be able to surround yourself with only people that will add good things to your life, not bring stress/drama/negativity with them. I am now dating a very good man, and sometimes it feels surreal or I am surprised he does things I would certainly do for others but I wasn't used to my partner doing for me, even super basic stuff like respect, trust, not explode like volcanos over the smallest thing... things that are the foundation of a healthy relationship.
DM me if you need to chat, rant or vent, but I highly encourage you to take some counseling sessions with a good therapist too. Their professional input is priceless.
Don't go back. It's only up from here onwards.
~B