Rough draft of email

[Liveinthemind]

Here is what I've come up with the email so far. The idea is to email adventure bloggers and the like and see if any would be interested.

"
It's clear that you think as I do, that the joy of discovery is an absolute essential for a fulfilling life. It's a real pity that so many get so bogged down in the daily grind that that gets forgotten. I'm hoping to help make a difference with My Pack To Yours.

The idea behind my forum is that we make pendants (for now I'm using dog-tags), each one having a unique code, you get the tag and bring it on an adventure, write about it on the forum, then pass it on and watch it travel across the world. For now I'm using a Facebook page, but I will have a proper forum up once it gets off the ground.
I was wondering, would you be interested in getting a tag?
"

 

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[Vigilante]

Here is what I've come up with the email so far. The idea is to email adventure bloggers and the like and see if any would be interested.

"
It's clear that you think as I do, that the joy of discovery is an absolute essential for a fulfilling life. It's a real pity that so many get so bogged down in the daily grind that that gets forgotten. I'm hoping to help make a difference with My Pack To Yours.

The idea behind my forum is that we make pendants (for now I'm using dog-tags), each one having a unique code, you get the tag and bring it on an adventure, write about it on the forum, then pass it on and watch it travel across the world. For now I'm using a Facebook page, but I will have a proper forum up once it gets off the ground.
I was wondering, would you be interested in getting a tag?
"

Your tag will be amongst the first 20 issued, and will be FREE for you as long as you agree to drop in with a post about your travels and eventually give your tag to someone else to continue its journey.

 

[Waspy]

I would drop the "for now"s. As someone in your previous post said you are selling stories, not pendants. So stop talking about pendants and forums, neither exist so they don't care IMO. I am also of the opinion that for this business, dog tags actually make more sense. But that's not a discussion for this thread.

These guys live in the social media space, sharing their story on Facebook is way more attractive than sharing it on a forum.

Make it sound like a business, not an idea.
"My Pack To Yours connects travellers through the adventures, stories and moments they share. You have the opportunity to be one of the first travellers to join us in building this movement ... etc"

 

[andrewhook]

If this is just a market research, i would personally try to use a friendly tone, as if asking for advice to a friend

 

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[Liveinthemind]

Argh, I've had a lifelong problem of not realising how I come across until after I've wasted that precious first impression. This marketing is going to be a hurdle...

 

[Waspy]

This marketing is going to be a hurdle...

No it isn't.

Step one is to get 1 single blogger on board. There are literally tens of thousands. You could have a 0.01% conversion rate and still be fine.