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HOT TOPIC My family is f*cked. Just... f*cked.

MitchM

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Okay, so I started on this forum a little while back and I haven't been posting anything because my family life has been complete turmoil. My mother owns a multi-million dollar house and she is completely out of money. She also got a loan on her mortgage which she is supposed to be paying 10k a month on now. All of the other bills alone add up to like 5k a month. We are trying to sell the house ASAP and I have been doing everything within my power to make it happen. I have been fixing up the house for the past few months and doing everything that I can.

My mom stays in bed all day (depression) and my younger brother has a drug issue and he keeps turning the house into a f*cking mess when it needs to be looking good to be staged. I have had to get physical with him on several occasions just in the past couple of weeks because he has complete emotional breakdowns. I have been trying to find a way to get him help recently but it is just so hard (I only just turned 21).

Another thing is that my mom's account is connected to my checking account which I completely forgot. She took about 3k from me before I found out and confronted her about it. She lied and told me she was doing it accidentally, but it didn't take me long to realize that she had no money (again).

After spending half a year getting this house ready to sell and trying to help my brother and mother the stress feels too much and I just feel like my f*cking life is draining away. This house is a black hole. I was so excited to join you guys on the whole fastlane endeavor but now I can't see a way to invest myself where it counts without abandoning my family. I love them more than the world but I can only help so much. My money will only be enough to get us by for two months (when/if the house sells I will be paid back).

What do I do with a 17 year old with these kinds of mental issues? I lay down boundaries with him but he continually crosses them. My mother doesn't do anything to help and I just feel like I am constantly at war. I want my family to get through this because I know we can all be happy, but right now I just feel hopeless. I know it is kind of impossible to give advice from just the info that I gave, but I didn't know what to say or where to say it.

Edit: I was going to delete this post because I realize that it is really just me complaining and I don't wish to do that and I don't want to waste anyone's time here... however I think that the replies are valuable and I appreciate you guys telling me what I need to hear.

Second Edit: Thank you everybody for the replies. They really helped me think things through. Right now I am typing this from a house that I will be renting out with my friends. I have decided that I will come home once a week and provide the support that I can, but other than that I have told my family that I can only do so much and it may hurt everyone in the long run for me to be there the way I have been. I am not religious, but I guess you could say that I am giving it to God at this point. Before leaving we got the realtor and photographer scheduled so all that needs to be done is the house needs to be cleaned. I also told my mom that if she doesn't take my brother to therapy with her and potentially a rehab center then whatever happens to him is on her shoulders. I hope she understands.

I finally feel ready to go on my own path again. Much love guys.
 

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MidwestLandlord

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Put on your own oxygen mask first.

Never have combined personal assets with someone you aren't married to. She goes bankrupt, anything you have is up for grabs because the combined checking account gives creditors an "in" on your assets.

You can love people and still set boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and financially...ya know? (in fact I would say it improves relationships in the long run)

Some people are just hell bent on sinking their own ships. Don't sink with them. You're 21, you have your own ship now. Often times a strong ship will help others see through the storm anyway.

Did my analogies make any sense? Haha
 

MitchM

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Put on your own oxygen mask first.

Never have combined personal assets with someone you aren't married to. She goes bankrupt, anything you have is up for grabs because the combined checking account gives creditors an "in" on your assets.

You can love people and still set boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and financially...ya know? (in fact I would say it improves relationships in the long run)

Some people are just hell bent on sinking their own ships. Don't sink with them. You're 21, you have your own ship now. Often times a strong ship will help others see through the storm anyway.

Did my analogies make any sense? Haha

Yeah, I agree. I am going to close my checking that is joined with hers very soon. I still can't help but think I need to pay the bills for the next few months. Otherwise neither of them will be having food/water/electricity.
 

MidwestLandlord

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Yeah, I agree. I am going to close my checking that is joined with hers very soon. I still can't help but think I need to pay the bills for the next few months. Otherwise neither of them will be having food/water/electricity.

If you're having to pay the bills, guess what...they already don't have those things, they just don't realize it yet because you are giving it to them.

What's the worst that could happen?
 

MitchM

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I learned a long time ago that your family may love you but there problems are not your problems. Quit being a little bitch and leave.

I view family as one of the most important things in life. How can I do that?
 

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Put on your own oxygen mask first.

This. You're 21, with no assets and most likely without the reservoir of security in your own identity to slug through this for an extended period of time. The saga most likely ends up with your mom and brother in the same place and you worse for wear.

I view family as one of the most important things in life. How can I do that?

Loving people doesn't always mean doing what makes them happy or like you back in the short run.
 

Jon L

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Somehow you need to balance what you reasonably can do to help while also realizing that your mom and brother don't want to change. If you stay too tied into them (you're way too tied into them now), your life will not go well, and 30 years from now you'll regret it.

If your mom owns a multi-million dollar house, she probably had millions in the bank at some point. (Or at least a lot more than she does now). Where did all that money go?

Answer?

The same place the proceeds of the house are going to go in a few years after the house is sold. She's gonna waste it.

This is a very serious life issue. You're too close to it to really think rationally on it. Its way too big to just get some feedback on from a group of strangers on the internet. I'd recommend finding either a professional counselor that deals with family issues like this, or someone that has been there, done that 20 years ago, and who is living the kind of life you want to live in 20 years.
 

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I view family as one of the most important things in life. How can I do that?

Yeah no. Forced association by accident of birth does not grant people special rights. If they are ruining your life, you either cut them loose or share the blame.
 

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You need to get your credit report and ensure that there are no accounts open in your name that you are not aware of. It's not unheard of for desperate parents to use their children's names and credit.

Whether they accept your help or not it sounds like this situation is going down. You do not have the authority, power, or means to save them. You can only save yourself. If you save yourself you may be able to help them out later in life. If you don't save yourself you will never be able to help them.

Good luck.
 

David Kotevski

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You need to get your credit report and ensure that there are no accounts open in your name that you are not aware of. It's not unheard of for desperate parents to use their children's names and credit.

Whether they accept your help or not it sounds like this situation is going down. You do not have the authority, power, or means to save them. You can only save yourself. If you save yourself you may be able to help them out later in life. If you don't save yourself you will never be able to help them.

Good luck.
Couldn't agree more this is your best option so atleast you can save yourself and think logically in the short term will have way better long-term consequences.
 

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MitchM

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You need to get your credit report and ensure that there are no accounts open in your name that you are not aware of. It's not unheard of for desperate parents to use their children's names and credit.

Whether they accept your help or not it sounds like this situation is going down. You do not have the authority, power, or means to save them. You can only save yourself. If you save yourself you may be able to help them out later in life. If you don't save yourself you will never be able to help them.

Good luck.
Wow, you are so right. If I keep going this way I am only going to stop myself from being able to help them in the future.
 

MidwestLandlord

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If your mom owns a multi-million dollar house, she probably had millions in the bank at some point. (Or at least a lot more than she does now). Where did all that money go?

Answer?

The same place the proceeds of the house are going to go in a few years after the house is sold. She's gonna waste it.

So true.

The sidewalk is equal opportunity and does not income discriminate.
 

lewj24

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You have devoted your soul into helping your family and then your mom steals from you and your brother is shooting up drugs not caring at all? If that was my family I'd move out ASAP. They obviously don't care about you as much as you care about them.

Go make your own path with your own family and make it right. And maybe fix your relationships with your mom and brother later. If they get pissed at you remind them of how shitty they were towards you. f*ck "blood" relatives. If you treat me like family then you are family, if not then you are no longer family no matter how closely "related" you may be to me.

But this is all my outlook on life. I also think you will be going nowhere fast under that roof. I'd get out asap.

Sources: f*ck my grandpa. And f*ck my cousin.
 

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I was so excited to join you guys on the whole fastlane endeavor but now I can't see a way to invest myself where it counts without abandoning my family.

Hurdles in life are just that: hurdles. You're still on a path of achievement even if you feel in the trough of lifes peak and trough cycles. Sometimes shit has to hit the fan to start your upward momentum.

No doubt you will conquer your issues, good luck and all the best mate.
 

G-Man

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@MrSterlock I've thought about this, and I feel somewhat guilty for commenting on this. I still believe every word I said above is true. That said, this is a very serious and very traumatic situation.

I just want to say that I and no one else here is an expert in your life. This might be the kind of thing to see a professional about. I don't know if your pops is in the picture. I'm kind of assuming he isn't if you're having to be the man in the house. If there's an older stable man in your family, or a preacher, or a Rabbi, or a psychologist or something, it would definitely be worth seeking the guidance of someone that knows you personally and cares about you.

I fully believe in this forum, as it has helped me a lot, but there are limitations to the advice of strangers on the internet.

Be well, young man.
 

G-Man

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This is a very serious life issue. You're too close to it to really think rationally on it. Its way too big to just get some feedback on from a group of strangers on the internet. I'd recommend finding either a professional counselor that deals with family issues like this, or someone that has been there, done that 20 years ago, and who is living the kind of life you want to live in 20 years.

Just now saw @Jon L said the same thing. Worth listening to.
 

VDon

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I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Parents divorced, father burnt out, mother in depression and the bank already going after the house.

I managed to somehow convinced my parents to sell it to me, paid the debt (which was a pain in the a$$, as the bank was not cooperative at all).


This cost me a huge amount of money, time and nerves. However I am much older than OP. If I was him, I'd reach out to friends, relatives or even good willed neighbors and ask for help.

Mental illnesses are no fun and all this "cut the ties" advice is much easier said than done.


Gesendet von iPhone mit Tapatalk
 

Utopia

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Okay, so I started on this forum a little while back and I haven't been posting anything because my family life has been complete turmoil. My mother owns a multi-million dollar house and she is completely out of money. She also got a loan on her mortgage which she is supposed to be paying 10k a month on now. All of the other bills alone add up to like 5k a month. We are trying to sell the house ASAP and I have been doing everything within my power to make it happen. I have been fixing up the house for the past few months and doing everything that I can.

My mom stays in bed all day (depression) and my younger brother has a drug issue and he keeps turning the house into a f*cking mess when it needs to be looking good to be staged. I have had to get physical with him on several occasions just in the past couple of weeks because he has complete emotional breakdowns. I have been trying to find a way to get him help recently but it is just so hard (I only just turned 21).

Another thing is that my mom's account is connected to my checking account which I completely forgot. She took about 3k from me before I found out and confronted her about it. She lied and told me she was doing it accidentally, but it didn't take me long to realize that she had no money (again).

After spending half a year getting this house ready to sell and trying to help my brother and mother the stress feels too much and I just feel like my f*cking life is draining away. This house is a black hole. I was so excited to join you guys on the whole fastlane endeavor but now I can't see a way to invest myself where it counts without abandoning my family. I love them more than the world but I can only help so much. My money will only be enough to get us by for two months (when/if the house sells I will be paid back).

What do I do with a 17 year old with these kinds of mental issues? I lay down boundaries with him but he continually crosses them. My mother doesn't do anything to help and I just feel like I am constantly at war. I want my family to get through this because I know we can all be happy, but right now I just feel hopeless. I know it is kind of impossible to give advice from just the info that I gave, but I didn't know what to say or where to say it.

Edit: I was going to delete this post because I realize that it is really just me complaining and I don't wish to do that and I don't want to waste anyone's time here... however I think that the replies are valuable and I appreciate you guys telling me what I need to hear.
This is a great problem to have because now everyone gets to re-evaluate their life and their priorities within it.
  • It's really endearing that you want to take care of your family and you are doing your best to do so, however you must realize that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. If you provide for them in a way that provides benefit, it teaches them that their current patterns of behavior are working for them in life. Ultimately you can't do it which will lead to...
  • Your mom coming to a decision whether she wants to be depressed or not. The way she is living now is working for her, ultimately it's going to be the situation where it is not going to work for her. Maybe you leave or someone comes and bankrupts her and then she has to find a way to make money, but giving her something to live for might be the best gift she could have in this situation.
  • The brother is going to do what he wants to do. If he does drugs and f*cks up the house then who are you to say? Maybe you want to play dad and protector over everyone, but you are a brother with your own problems, dreams, goals, and desires.
I feel for you as I have been in a situation that perfectly parallels yours. I left and then reconnected with my family years later. At that time they were ready to receive help and the relationships are nothing, but positivity. It is not abandoning them, but taking care of yourself and allowing others to do the same for themselves. When you don't take care of yourself first, you teach others that they should do the same. As the case is your mom not taking care of herself.
 

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Jon L

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I have a sister that I stopped talking to four years ago. It still pains me when i think about her. She is a vicious person, though, and for my own sanity, I can't have that in my life. If and when she decides she wants to apologize, she's welcome back in my life. Until then, I'm pretty happy not knowing her.

Not saying your brother and mom are the same, but I agree with VDon above...cutting ties is not easy. Sometimes its necessary. In your case, limiting contact in some way might be the best thing to do.

Again, though...professional advice is what I'd go looking for if I were you.
 

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You have got to take care of Number 1 (you) before you can take care of number 2 and 3.

I know you care, but you have got to cut the dysfunctional relationship(s) and understand that even though you mean well, you most likely are enabling your family rather than helping them.

I know you love them just by reading your post. But understand this:

Love without discipline is not love

No matter how much you do for them, you will always be the bad guy as they will have an excuse due to the fact that they most likely feel 'entitled'

If you are around sick people long enough, you too will become sick

Get out. Get away. Get your own life and wait for the dust to settle in their lives.

I would highly recommend a book. Life Code by Dr. Phil McGraw In it he talks about the people that sometimes are the closest to us being our worst enemies even though we love them.

BAITERS

Backstabbers
Abusers
Imposters
Takers
Exploiters
Reckless

As recommended by others, find a good support system and lean on them when needed.

Stay healthy.

And Good Luck, this too will pass...
 

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Hey OP , i just want to say thanks for opening up and i hope you are able to sort it out. While i cannot compare my situation to the seriousness of your situation at all, ive also been having problems with family and decided that the best thing for me to do is move out.

All i can say is the best thing for YOU is to leave. It just all depends if you are ready.
 

MitchM

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Hey OP , i just want to say thanks for opening up and i hope you are able to sort it out. While i cannot compare my situation to the seriousness of your situation at all, ive also been having problems with family and decided that the best thing for me to do is move out.

All i can say is the best thing for YOU is to leave. It just all depends if you are ready.
This is a great problem to have because now everyone gets to re-evaluate their life and their priorities within it.
  • It's really endearing that you want to take care of your family and you are doing your best to do so, however you must realize that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. If you provide for them in a way that provides benefit, it teaches them that their current patterns of behavior are working for them in life. Ultimately you can't do it which will lead to...
  • Your mom coming to a decision whether she wants to be depressed or not. The way she is living now is working for her, ultimately it's going to be the situation where it is not going to work for her. Maybe you leave or someone comes and bankrupts her and then she has to find a way to make money, but giving her something to live for might be the best gift she could have in this situation.
  • The brother is going to do what he wants to do. If he does drugs and f*cks up the house then who are you to say? Maybe you want to play dad and protector over everyone, but you are a brother with your own problems, dreams, goals, and desires.
I feel for you as I have been in a situation that perfectly parallels yours. I left and then reconnected with my family years later. At that time they were ready to receive help and the relationships are nothing, but positivity. It is not abandoning them, but taking care of yourself and allowing others to do the same for themselves. When you don't take care of yourself first, you teach others that they should do the same. As the case is your mom not taking care of herself.

Thank you. If you look at my original post I think that I have made the best decision for everyone. It was hard but I think things will work out.
 

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Wow, any parent would be proud and fortunate to have you as a kid. You're responsible, caring, and mature beyond your years. Seriously impressive. That being said...

You are not helping them as much as you think. You're enabling them. Regardless of what you do (or don't do), they will hit bottom, at which point, they will recover, or not. However, by throwing yourself in to save them, you're just delaying the process. Of course, it pains you to see them suffer. But alas, they probably need to suffer the consequences of their actions if they are to have any hope of improving their lives.

Right now, you are acting as the safety net. They're using that help as a hammock. This isn't good for anyone -- not your mom, not your brother, and certainly not for you. You can still love them, but you can't save them from themselves.

Good luck, and I hope you'll keep us posted. :)
 

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My mom is an alcoholic mess with severe depression- in high school I was her safety net. I can't tell you how much money and time I wasted on her trying to help her lose weight, stop drinking...etc. Each time with the promise that this time was different and this time was the time she was going to change. But she never did- I am 23 years old now, and haven't seen my mom in over a year and haven't spoken to her in about 8 months. I recently had to get a restraining order against her because she starting making threats due to the fact i wouldn't respond.


Anyways- I wasted so much time trying to help my mom, when in the end it did nothing, and it was never going to do anything because she didn't want to help herself. I've learned first and foremost that if someone wants to change, if they REALLY want to - they will. But if they aren't going to help themselves, well than you can't be the person to try to help a loss cause. The moment I stopped talking to my mom and the moment I came to terms with the fact I couldn't be "that person" for her anymore was the start of something great. I feel stronger mentally and it feels like a huge rock has been lifted off my shoulders not having to be the parent to my mother.

You can't have your family hold you back. Be there for them, but make it clear to them that there is a ticking clock of how long you can stick around, and if they won't or can't make an effort to change, than you can't jeopardize your only mental health and your future to help them. Put yourself first.
 

MitchM

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My mom is an alcoholic mess with severe depression- in high school I was her safety net. I can't tell you how much money and time I wasted on her trying to help her lose weight, stop drinking...etc. Each time with the promise that this time was different and this time was the time she was going to change. But she never did- I am 23 years old now, and haven't seen my mom in over a year and haven't spoken to her in about 8 months. I recently had to get a restraining order against her because she starting making threats due to the fact i wouldn't respond.


Anyways- I wasted so much time trying to help my mom, when in the end it did nothing, and it was never going to do anything because she didn't want to help herself. I've learned first and foremost that if someone wants to change, if they REALLY want to - they will. But if they aren't going to help themselves, well than you can't be the person to try to help a loss cause. The moment I stopped talking to my mom and the moment I came to terms with the fact I couldn't be "that person" for her anymore was the start of something great. I feel stronger mentally and it feels like a huge rock has been lifted off my shoulders not having to be the parent to my mother.

You can't have your family hold you back. Be there for them, but make it clear to them that there is a ticking clock of how long you can stick around, and if they won't or can't make an effort to change, than you can't jeopardize your only mental health and your future to help them. Put yourself first.

Wow man, thank you for the response. I'm glad that you were able to get through that and come out stronger. I've taken your advice, and while I am not cutting our ties I am going to distance myself as much as I need to.
 

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You'll probably want to put a freeze on your credit too, provided it isn't already wrecked. It's almost impossible to stop scheming parents/siblings from opening up CCs in your name, because they know your DoB, address, social, phone number, friends/spose's names, etc. etc. The companies just aren't equipped to repel fraudulent account openings from the family of the person being targeted.
 

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