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eenagy

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Mar 2, 2021
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Hello everyone!

I have been a silent member before here. I really liked the spirit of this community back then, and I'm pretty sure it just got better with years.
I'm here because I think and feel I belong here.

A little bit about myself, I'm a programmer by profession, web apps, backend, full-stack. All those bits.
But truthfully I don't think I belong to the programmer community in general. I kind of despise the majority of the people in the field(maybe 60% of them), not the profession. I'm a woman, maybe that's one of the reasons. I made it through in the field even with all the hardship I faced. Learning programming, learning English, settling in a foreign country ( Asia from a small European country), coming from a poor family, etc.
I kind of always have work on my hand, but I lack the control to doing what pays okay and leaves me whole. That made me realize, the mind-blowing threads that I read back then, and the need to connect and follow the people in this community.

I have ASP, Asperger syndrome which only recently in my 30's got discovered. I have social anxiety.
Just for a moment, how that looks like. I seem introverted but can speak really well when I know the person. It itches my heart like I'm getting hives when I need to post an introductory section, post, or anything online. It took me around 15 years to actually able to write something online. It was similar in person but got better as I needed to work to get money to survive. After the recent diagnosis, a lot of stuff just started to make sense. It still shocks me, that I lack something essential in relationship forming and people reading, as I can't read the air. Learn it, study it from TV but not able to comprehend on the spot situation. A lot of people can get that I miss something, some of them think I'm naive or stupid, but I just lack the interest or understanding of social cues in general. I'm mentioning this because I think that this is my biggest struggle in general.

Thirdly, there was a recent big hit in my life. My friend "chewing on me", ignoring the actual drama here, not really important, got to me mentally. I was sitting at home, for over 1 month, only watching TV and eating, feeling absolutely horrible. And came to the realization that this has to stop. Like really has to stop. Like I'm going to punch someone really strong. I don't mean revenge. I want to start living a life for myself, use all the pent-up feelings to build up myself both professionally and personally. I really want to be a person who is strong and hard to chew on, while still being soft and loving towards people. This made me go to the gym and start martial arts, yesterday was the 20th time. I see big changes in my spirit and body, but something still missing.

So all the above, made me realize that I need to stop complaining and need to start working hard again. Hard again, but this time with people who take me accountable, and with people help. I have never asked for help before this in my life, and truthfully I still don't know how or where I'm going. But I do feel and realize that is through entrepreneurship and financial independence from others is the only way to go about it. And I need people who have been in a worse or similar situation to where I'm coming from.

I hope that my rant was just okay, I know it's drama, but I wanted to show what made me come to this community, where my drive is coming from.

Looking forward to all of your guidance, pat in the back, or kick in the a$$ as you so think so. All is appreciated.
 

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Stargazer

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Mar 8, 2018
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Hello

For someone who has high levels of social anxiety you have shown a high degree of courage.

You left your country for another one. Had to learn a new language to get on. Got yourself work in that country. Dragged yourself to Martial Arts classes.

So you make decisions and get on with them irrespective of the challenges involved!!

Well done and thanks on writing your post :)

Dan
 

Kasimir

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Hi,

I can't imagine how you must feel, I have some anxiety, but that can't be compared. If you need anything don't hesitate to ask!

Best wishes from Switzerland
Valentin
 

MJ DeMarco

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Welcome my friend, appreciate the "coming out".
 

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