Losing friendships

[Zimbizee]

Friends come and go over a lifetime. I'll remember my grandfather saying if you can count your true friends on more than one hand your deceiving yourself. Funny how folks say they "500+ friends on facebook"

 

[Gray Blimp]

I have few friends. Remnants from childhood and school. I seem to be losing them. One gets a girlfriend and stops communicating. The other moves away and stops communicating. The other is willing to play video games, but not much else (I generally stopped playing them, but didn't think I would lose a friend over it).

I must be the one to start communication, to invite the other to hang out, they never initiate conversation. They generally say they'll let me know but never get back to me, or ignore me. It seems, unfortunately, that I value the friendship more than they do. In person, when we do hang out, we have a great time, but otherwise, it's like I don't exist. The frequency of hanging out is getting longer and longer for all of them (7 months, 14 months).

I have been productive with my free time, but I don't want to let friendships die out of immaturity. At the same time, I would make time for any of them (except video games, maybe I should start playing again?), but I don't seem to be worthy of a response or remembrance half the time. I've also heard that this is just a consequence of adulthood.

Anyone have similar stories? What do you do? At what point do you just let it go?

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[NewManRising]

This has been my exact experience with all my friends too. Truth is, they are not good friends. Friendships are a mutual exchange. The give and take are equal. What you describe are people who are one-sided. There has to be a benefit for them and they would have to control most things. It is a waste of time. I know it is hard to let childhood friends go. I no longer know anyone from my childhood or school years. Instead, focus on making all new friends. Find the people who fulfill you and do the things you want to do. And most importantly, they actually put in the same work you do to maintain the friendship.

 

[ZCP]

Friends come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

That has been my experience.

 

[Almantas]

Move on.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[MTF]

I recently realized that I've grown apart from my friends. It's not that they're bad people or something like that, but I no longer feel as connected with them as in the past.

For example, one of my friends (in his late 20s) started taking (for prevention) hypertension medication because he's too lazy to change his lifestyle to a healthier one. As he says, "Taking a pill is easier." Now, obviously it's not his pre-hypertension condition that makes me feel we've grown apart - it's about his attitude to life ("avoid any kind of effort") that's the total opposite of what I believe. Can I still hang out with him and enjoy it? Of course. Do I feel he gets me like many people from this forum? Not really.

I guess it's often little things that make you realize that it's time to move on and make new friends. You pause and ask yourself how it's possible that you're still friends with this person based on their behaviors, values and habits that are so different than yours. Not that different is bad - I mean different as in being a positive person and hanging out with a grumbling crybaby.

I find it hard to make new friends (meeting new people is easy, making friendships is a completely different thing), but I think that you need to look at it as building a business - it's a process that starts with research (where can you find people sharing your values and your lifestyle?) and then relies on you taking consistent action and focusing on the idea (people) that's most promising.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[MetalGear]

• Great that you bring this up
• During Thanksgiving, I suffered from a bout of the blues
• I stopped hanging out with "extended family" because they all put my entrepreneurship dreams down
• They basically think of me as a loser because I am not climbing the corporate ladder anymore and am not married or in a serious relationship yet
• The key is to remember that having five loyal and supportive friends is better than having 500 acquaintances that don't care

Find and develop friendships with a handful...and you will see that is all you need

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[SteveO]

• I stopped hanging out with "extended family" because they all put my entrepreneurship dreams down

• They basically think of me as a loser because I am not climbing the corporate ladder anymore and am not married or in a serious relationship yet

Is it possible that some of this is manufactured by your own mind?

 

[SteveO]

PS I'm learning to forgive and move on...

The goal would be to get to the point that you don't feel a need to forgive. Because... the comments and opinions don't bother you in the first place. There really is no need to let others have any negative affect on you. This is a victim mindset.

 

[Ankerstein17]

I have few friends. Remnants from childhood and school. I seem to be losing them. One gets a girlfriend and stops communicating. The other moves away and stops communicating. The other is willing to play video games, but not much else (I generally stopped playing them, but didn't think I would lose a friend over it).

I must be the one to start communication, to invite the other to hang out, they never initiate conversation. They generally say they'll let me know but never get back to me, or ignore me. It seems, unfortunately, that I value the friendship more than they do. In person, when we do hang out, we have a great time, but otherwise, it's like I don't exist. The frequency of hanging out is getting longer and longer for all of them (7 months, 14 months).

I have been productive with my free time, but I don't want to let friendships die out of immaturity. At the same time, I would make time for any of them (except video games, maybe I should start playing again?), but I don't seem to be worthy of a response or remembrance half the time. I've also heard that this is just a consequence of adulthood.

Anyone have similar stories? What do you do? At what point do you just let it go?

Friendships come and go. Be grateful you have them in the moment, and you can experience things with them. Understand people change over time, and yes it might seem as though everyone is changing around you. Understand your changing as well, and that means prioritize change. Instead of worrying about all the time you're not hanging out, focus on the times when you do hang out. Focus on what you will do together and create memories when you're hanging out. Don't focus on the things you can't control, and always learn from the experience. Don't dwell on this but understand.

Find new friends, don't be afraid to meet new people. When one door is closing, another door is opening.

Sounds cheezy, but it's true.

Hope this helps.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[WJK]

I have few friends. Remnants from childhood and school.

Anyone have similar stories? What do you do? At what point do you just let it go?

You already have let them go -- you just haven't internalized it yet. This is going to happen to you over and over again during your life. Each stage of your journey, you will out distance the people around you. At best, they will quietly fall away. At worst, they'll run you off with lots of fury and then talk smack about you when you are gone. Yes, it's your fault for going where they can't or won't go. You have make them uncomfortable and you've broken out of their little self imposed boundaries. Yes, it's sometimes painful for you, and it many times doesn't make any sense. Human are herd animals at heart and you just aren't following the herd's rules!

 

[PureA]

Find your people.

p.s. We have this thing called the internet now

 

[fortu1992]

I have few friends. Remnants from childhood and school. I seem to be losing them. One gets a girlfriend and stops communicating. The other moves away and stops communicating. The other is willing to play video games, but not much else (I generally stopped playing them, but didn't think I would lose a friend over it).

I must be the one to start communication, to invite the other to hang out, they never initiate conversation. They generally say they'll let me know but never get back to me, or ignore me. It seems, unfortunately, that I value the friendship more than they do. In person, when we do hang out, we have a great time, but otherwise, it's like I don't exist. The frequency of hanging out is getting longer and longer for all of them (7 months, 14 months).

I have been productive with my free time, but I don't want to let friendships die out of immaturity. At the same time, I would make time for any of them (except video games, maybe I should start playing again?), but I don't seem to be worthy of a response or remembrance half the time. I've also heard that this is just a consequence of adulthood.

Anyone have similar stories? What do you do? At what point do you just let it go?

it's really hard to find good friends

 

[Gray Blimp]

Friendships are a mutual exchange. The give and take are equal. What you describe are people who are one-sided. ... they actually put in the same work you do to maintain the friendship.

People who want to be in your life will continue to contact you, or be pretty receptive when you contact them.

Others? It may just have to drift. Thus is life.

These two points summarize my chief concern, and the crux of the issue.

Thank you all for the replys and perspectives... helping me come to terms with the inevitable.

 

[MetalGear]

I'm exaggerating when I say all for sure
It is a handful of them that like to take potshots and make snide comments...
The thing that gets me is when a couple of them make comments, the whole group laughs
They can be particularly brutal, I know in some families this is normal but I can't take that kind of disrespect anymore

PS I'm learning to forgive and move on...the holidays have proven to be a challenge

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[SteveO]

the whole group laughs

If you can manage to do so, laugh with them. Their opinions mean nothing.

 

[Mr.Brandtastic]

I'm not losing friends, I'm just becoming more picky about who I spend my time with.

 

[WJK]

I recently realized that I've grown apart from my friends. It's not that they're bad people or something like that, but I no longer feel as connected with them as in the past.

For example, one of my friends (in his late 20s) started taking (for prevention) hypertension medication because he's too lazy to change his lifestyle to a healthier one. As he says, "Taking a pill is easier." Now, obviously it's not his pre-hypertension condition that makes me feel we've grown apart - it's about his attitude to life ("avoid any kind of effort") that's the total opposite of what I believe. Can I still hang out with him and enjoy it? Of course. Do I feel he gets me like many people from this forum? Not really.

I guess it's often little things that make you realize that it's time to move on and make new friends. You pause and ask yourself how it's possible that you're still friends with this person based on their behaviors, values and habits that are so different than yours. Not that different is bad - I mean different as in being a positive person and hanging out with a grumbling crybaby.

I find it hard to make new friends (meeting new people is easy, making friendships is a completely different thing), but I think that you need to look at it as building a business - it's a process that starts with research (where can you find people sharing your values and your lifestyle?) and then relies on you taking consistent action and focusing on the idea (people) that's most promising.

You're having growing pains. Yes, you will leave some people behind. Yes, as you move ahead you will be rejected by many who are still just treading water. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, you will meet a lot of people, but few will become your true friends. And that is as it should be. Choose your friends carefully and thoughtfully. They are your landing pad when the world closes in on you.

 

[Deleted69685]

I read this and I remembered how glad I am to have let go all my useless (school) friends who just wanted to socialise with no purpose, consumerise (as that is all they knew what to do) and complain (at the earliest sight of a problem). Lost touch. No contact. Nada. Adios.

Sometimes you intellectually outgrow your friends. If you recognise that and move on effectively, consider it a gift.

It is better to be alone than in a bad company/in a company of people who drag you backwards. Inevitably most past relationships (albeit not all) come with some king of baggage. If the baggage is heavy, drop it.

How I wish took my own advice earlier.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[ZF Lee]

I have few friends. Remnants from childhood and school. I seem to be losing them. One gets a girlfriend and stops communicating. The other moves away and stops communicating. The other is willing to play video games, but not much else (I generally stopped playing them, but didn't think I would lose a friend over it).

I must be the one to start communication, to invite the other to hang out, they never initiate conversation. They generally say they'll let me know but never get back to me, or ignore me. It seems, unfortunately, that I value the friendship more than they do. In person, when we do hang out, we have a great time, but otherwise, it's like I don't exist. The frequency of hanging out is getting longer and longer for all of them (7 months, 14 months).

I have been productive with my free time, but I don't want to let friendships die out of immaturity. At the same time, I would make time for any of them (except video games, maybe I should start playing again?), but I don't seem to be worthy of a response or remembrance half the time. I've also heard that this is just a consequence of adulthood.

Anyone have similar stories? What do you do? At what point do you just let it go?

I find that having the choice to start communications and decide he route of any relationship to be a very powerful and motivating tool at my disposal.

Sure, my old high school friends don't come by anymore. Maybe one or two who still continue their studies locally. The others who go overseas, well, crickets.

I did hum and haw over it. Felt quite bitter at times. Then after some time in the Forum, I realised that if I could muster time and energy to talk and listen to some faraway entrepreneurs in America, who differ in terms of background and culture, why not do the same with my friends?

Keep contact, especially with friends who share some Fastlaneish attributes. And make new friends at the same time.

 

[Lexauton]

Just because the connections become distant doesn't mean they're lost entirely. People reconnect after years and ignite old sparks. What seems to be happening in your reality sounds pretty natural. I have people I'm cool with, but I was never the dude to "reach out" for fear of rejection.

Now I try to surround myself with healthy people and I reach out more, but if I get a couple rejections, I just let them be. People who want to be in your life will continue to contact you, or be pretty receptive when you contact them.

Others? It may just have to drift. Thus is life.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Lex DeVille]

FriendMatch: A place to meet new friends

 

[Xeon]

This happens to me every year so I can relate to what you wrote. As an aquittance once told me, "Friends come and go, old ones leave, new ones come". I currently have only 1 friend now but that's ok, I want to work on my fastlane and once it reaches a decent level, I can always go out there and meet new ones.

Not sure about others here, but if you're working on your fastlane project, I seriously doubt you've the time to spend several hours at the bar every other night with your buddies. Plus, it costs $$$ especially in expensive cities like Singapore and that $$$ can be better used in places like FB ads!

I understand how it feels to have friends you know since young suddenly become so distant like you're strangers. In general (at least for the ones I know) for guys especially, once they get married and settle down with kids, most of them usually don't hang out with their male friends much (if at all). Unless they start getting tired of their naggy wife and crying babies, then they need a listening ear...

*PS: I find it incomprehensible how people actually add others that they dislike, on Facebook! Here you've one guy backstabbing another, and both are "Friends" on FB lol!

 

[Gray Blimp]

We have this thing called the internet now

And that is something for which I am so very grateful.

 

[Lucky Lu]

I feel you brother. Sometimes people drift apart. Sometimes there is no explanation whatsoever and you entirely stop seeing some of them.I think is also a natural part of growing up.

 

[WJK]

I read this and I remembered how glad I am to have let go all my useless (school) friends who just wanted to socialise with no purpose, consumerise (as that is all they knew what to do) and complain (at the earliest sight of a problem). Lost touch. No contact. Nada. Adios.

Sometimes you intellectually outgrow your friends. If you recognise that and move on effectively, consider it a gift.

It is better to be alone than in a bad company/in a company of people who drag you backwards. Inevitably most past relationships (albeit not all) come with some king of baggage. If the baggage is heavy, drop it.

How I wish took my own advice earlier.

Yes, I've outgrown a lot of people over the years. That doesn't make them bad...or unworthy...or any other negative. I just have grown into a different paradigm -- view of the world. I wish each and every one of them well. But, I don't want to spend my time with them. And if a friend drops me, I honor that decision. Each of us must have the freedom to create our own lives.

 

[Andrew McBurney]

It sounds like you're growing as a person. It can be scary and exciting. Find new friends with more similar interests. Perhaps you've developed in different ways than your old friends - and don't "fit" like you used to. It doesn't make you or them any less than the other... it's just a part of life. I think all high achievers go through this.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Brian Suh]

Ive lost most of my friends due to jealousy. Especially those you grew up with. I grew up shy and overweight and got zero girls. When I became confident, in shape, and started getting reallya ttractive girlfriends all my "friends" started acting weird. It's because your shining a spot light on their shortcomings and that if you succeed what does it say about them?

I also think once you hit your early 20's you can CONSCIOUSLY choose your friendships. Lets be real. Your only friends with your high school friends due to proximity. Now that I am older i have NOTHING in common with them and only tried to fit in. This happened in college too. Now I ONLY will mess with people with smarts AND balls. Hang with those only with smarts and no balls and you will have a bunch of keyboard warriors. hang with those only with balls and watch your back (this is the classic "thug). The best is one with smarts and balls.

 

[WJK]

I also think once you hit your early 20's you can CONSCIOUSLY choose your friendships. Lets be real. Your only friends with your high school friends due to proximity. Now that I am older i have NOTHING in common with them and only tried to fit in. This happened in college too. Now I ONLY will mess with people with smarts AND balls. Hang with those only with smarts and no balls and you will have a bunch of keyboard warriors. hang with those only with balls and watch your back (this is the classic "thug). The best is one with smarts and balls.

You can look at a person's inner circle to know who and what they are. In other words, we each reflect the people around us and they too reflect our traits. We are rejected by those who are too different from us. Humans are herd animals -- who only really feel comfortable within their own tribe. You're right. We each must carefully choose our friends and close associates -- our chosen tribe and extended family. The older you become, the more you will find this truth to be important to the quality of your life.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[GigMistress]

It sounds to me like you've outgrown your old friends. That's a natural function of growing up and moving in different directions. Sometimes, those friendships die out. Sometimes, they turn into something that's more background than active day-to-day. I have a handful of friends from high school and college that I love like family and would do anything for, but may see and talk to once or twice a year. We're just living very different lives that don't intersect much. One friend, I have lunch with once a year, and that's often the only time I see or talk to him. Every time, it's a wonderful time and feels like no time has passed. I don't consider it a lost friendship; I consider it a different type of friendship that evolved to fit who we are now.

The place it becomes problematic, which it sounds like maybe you're experiencing, is when that falling away is happening and you haven't yet replaced the old ways and moved into new ways of life and social circles. You're here in this forum for a reason. Do you really want to adapt your life to maintain a day-to-day relationship with someone who only wants to play video games? I don't mean that as an insult to your friend, simply a suggestion that maybe your points of intersection have dissolved. Where do you go and what do you do in real life that is like this forum (or otherwise likely to connect you with people who are at a similar place to you)?