I've lost my identity as person (Legendary follows...)

[Vigilante]

Hi all,

Just a semi rant/little bit of self loathing.

I am your normal 35 yr old, sidewalker-mid 30k job, house,friends and decent enough social skills.

I am currently single but quite proactive on a number of dating sites and I can get laid without too much effort.

However, Change is required after my last couple of dates..in particular the last one.

She was quite honestly a knockout and the dream woman, who could quite easily do some modelling and I think we got on pretty well. The date went fine and we've been texting since so I know she didnt think i was a complete tool.

Whilst on the date, we were talking about likes, dislikes and interests, hobbies and life experiences-It was then that I realised that I have no sense of conviction about whom I am, and bar some travelling I done back in my early 20's, I have lived a pretty mundane existance for the past 10 years.

Off course I was able to blurt out how I like to keep fit by going to the gym (and I do) but outside work and a couple of hours in the gym per day, I literally have no real interests or hobbies and worse of all..I dont feel strongly about ANYTHING else in particular..I'VE NO IDENTITY OR CONVICTIONS IN MY LIFE!!.. I even use other peoples misfortunes or behaviours to sneer at when trying to be funny.

Has anyone else experienced this or been there and went about rectifying whom they are as a person?

As I said earlier, I am the classic sidewalker whos literally one paycheck from broke, who has aspirations to make more money but never bloody does.

I would love some thoughts of your thoughts people.

You're still a 20 year old frat guy in a 35 year old body.

Life is not about getting laid (crass immediate gratification), working out (that's not a personality characteristic), or self appreciation (what are you, 19?). It's not about dating a knockout (superficial), enjoying others misfortune, or spending everything you make.

You've missed most of the highlights of the past 10 years, by looking inward and not looking outward.

Here's what I missed from your post, and I surmise you have missed from your life :

1. philanthropy - what are you doing to make the world a better place
2. investment - instead of focusing on getting laid via. dating sites, what if you focused on being the type of person that didn't have to pay dating sites to get laid?
3. family - my guess is you are the douche bag uncle that isn't involved
4. spirituality - finding a reason that is bigger that you
5. service - when was the last time you did something for someone else that you didn't know
6. strategy on where you're headed
7. financial security - why are you at where you are at? My uncle was 85, never made more than minimum wage, but was in a better financial situation than you are. He had some money in the bank.

Why are you here at the forum? My guess is you were searching for "entrepreneur" and trying to figure out how to escape the rat race that you are in. Most (not all, but most) people can't find success until they fix several of the above areas. It's hard to concentrate on creating value that could impact thousands of people and improve their lives if you can't see past Friday night's dance party and getting laid from the next poor soul in similar circumstances who answers your next ad.

Pull your head out of your a$$. Put some basic building blocks in place. You can't build a mansion if the foundation sucks. You have to fix the foundational aspects of your life before you are ever going to graduate from mediocrity.

The degree to which this post pisses you off will be directly commensurate with the degree that you see yourself within it.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

What you're experiencing is a lack of purpose. As such, life is lived like a piece of driftwood floating down a river where your day's momentum is not dictated by you, but by inertia. As a result, the tides of gratification is what leads you down the river.

The answer to breaking free from the current is to find a purpose that carries your soul outside the tides of life-- the place where few people live and die.

 

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[IceCreamKid]

I’m going to sound like a complete douchebag for saying this, but trust that I’m saying this because I love you.

You sound like a college boy who never grew up. If you had a daughter and she dated a guy like you, would you be smiling about it?

Here’s the problem that I see…

Love is the #1 most effective bribe used by Satan. Attaching too much love to something/someone can be incredibly dangerous for you because it clouds your sense of logic, drains you of motivation, and makes it difficult to see the truth standing in front of you.

I’m not saying that love is a bad thing. I’m just saying that we must maintain a keen sense of what we place too much love and attachment to.

Take out a piece of paper and write down all of the things that you love. Sex…dating sites…cars…your dream woman…anything.

Now think about this for a few minutes: Whatever it is that we love is what we usually end up focusing on all the time. What we focus on usually becomes a habit. A habit repeated over time eventually crystallizes into a final phase that Napoleon Hill refers to as hypnotic rhythm.

The land of hypnotic rhythm is where you’ll find most of society. The drifters. The zombies. The people with no purpose. They mindlessly go to their job everyday like automatic clockwork…an automatic rhythm…hypnotized without even thinking about their greater purpose in life. They’re not bad people, but you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to be one of them.

So take a step away from the noise of life and seriously ask yourself, “What are my strengths that I can offer to the world?”. Everyone has a genius level talent somewhere deep inside of them, but most fail to notice that it’s there because they love the wrong things and are completely clueless to this because they are now in the hypnotic rhythm phase. Find your greater mission and love it. This may require you to lose friends, family, and groups that you hang out with online and offline. That’s okay because you are following your greater purpose.

 

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[jon.a]

For 35 you seem pretty insecure and immature. Maybe you need to experience a few successes beyond getting laid.

 

[Andy Black]

When you've been a member for a little while, you start to see patterns, and can predict the responses that threads like this will get.

@Vigilante also laid down the law in this thread. (That was a hint to OP to go and read that thread. There's a lot of great advice in there.)



@oimate

Good for you for owning up and putting pen to paper. I'm delighted you spotted something out of the corner of your eye and suddenly realised you're playing in a sandpit when the whole beach and ocean is right behind you.


What's the secret to getting the life you want?

MJ said it, and without a trace of judgement too I might add. (Respect MJ.)

What you're experiencing is a lack of purpose. As such, life is lived like a piece of driftwood floating down a river where your day's momentum is not dictated by you, but by inertia. As a result, the tides of gratification is what leads you down the river.

The answer to breaking free from the current is to find a purpose that carries your soul outside the tides of life-- the place where few people live and die.

@SinisterLex hinted at it too:

find someone, help them, and see how that makes you feel

Think about those two nuggets of advice.

Now go and compare your post to @TheDamageUndone's introduction post. (Especially the 10th post.)


.
.
.


Some recommended reading for you:

• The "Astonishing Secrets" Thread
• New Guys: Save Yourself Years Of Frustration - It Worked For Me!
• "How do I find my niche?"
• Standing Still As Life Passes By
  
• Ever wonder how people end up in dead end jobs at 40?
• "Clarity of Purpose"
• Finding your focus
• Article from Justin Jackson: Just Help People

 

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[Lex DeVille]

I agree with jon.a.

It sounds like your mind runs on autopilot most of the time. You said you don't have any hobbies or interests and you don't have a sense of identity. So I feel like trying to set business related goals may not be very useful for you right now.

But, what if you set some abstract goals that let you start to engage more of the world? Lack of experiences and lack of hobbies/interests kind of goes hand in hand if you ask me. What could you choose to do that will at least give you opportunities to discover more about yourself, or life in general?

No need to travel to Tibet, unless you think that might solve your problem. But what if you just said "I'm going to help someone in some way today." Then find someone, help them, and see how that makes you feel. If it sparks inspiration, or motivation, or some other feeling you want, then perhaps you're getting somewhere.

We are not our ego. We are not our identity. Those things don't control us unless we let them. You noticed your ego is controlling you and wasting life. Now you can choose to do something different.

But only you can make that choice.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

You know guys, I cant thank all of you enough.

After the words of harsh encouragement, I was positive and pro-active from last night and again this morning. Last night, I went to the gym, came home and threw out all the junk food I had in my kitchen, called my dad and spoke to him about his business (which really is just a hobby for him-but his only real interest since retirement-so I bought him into the 21st century and set up facebook and twitter pages and linked these to his website, I also sent him a mailshot I done up on MailCheat(Chimp) and told him to prepare the lists so we can get these sent out.

I took on board some of the advice and you are correct- I am not the kinda guy that i'd want my daughter to date-To be honest I have had this thought rattling around my brain for a month or two now-That off-If I did come across a future partner-what really can I offer them bar a life of mediocracy?

So this morning I deleted my dating site accounts and I fully intend on concentrating on getting out there and meeting new people which can only occur by being proactive.

I have also got in touch with the local toastmasters group which I think will assist me to meet a new type of person as well as assisting with my speaking out and standing up for myself as opposed to just being the inoffensive 'nice guy' (ps I know theres nothing wrong with being a good guy and I dont intend to become a bigger a**hole-just someone with higher standards that I hold myself culpible to. I am away on holiday from next week for 2 weeks so have committed to attending the toastmasters next meeting which occurs on the 1st and 3rd Monday of each month.

During my 10am break I also searched for local voluntary organisations and by the of today I will have made enquiries.

I am fully aware that this is probably just the 1st wave of euthanism (since all you guys took the time out of your lifes to give me words of encouragement) and the bigger challenges are ahead tomorrow, next week/month/year(s) in addition to having not really sat down and wrote down what or who I am/want to be but I believe its a good start.

@Vigilante Your little line "I can't wait to read your post six months from now" is quite motivational and I look forward to being able to post my progression and hopefully become a shining light on this forum for someone who has actually changed their life by demonstrating pro-active mindset and becoming less self-centered is the way ahead.

These are great starts. Congrats for doing this.

Since you hit the gym regularly, I'd like to mention that this process you are starting is the same as bodybuilding and physique change. You can eat right and hit the gym 2 or 3 days in a row, but these "events" change nothing. The true results come from the "process" where these events form into a lifestyle-- a daily, automatic and routine part of your identity.

I can't wait to read your post six months from now.

At the end of the day, this whole thing begins like a diet-- it's easy to do it for a few days, even a few weeks, but the real muster comes when you go for months. If you approach it this way and understand this relationship, we will hear from you in six months with legendary progress. If you approach it like the average "I'm on a diet" dude, there will be no post six months from now. And old routines resurfaces supplanted by the old "non-identity" identity.

I wish more folks that come through here would be as open minded as you. Usually these types of posts don't end well.

Good luck.

 

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[jon.a]

I would agree Jon, however, i dont deem getting laid as some major life achievement to be proud off-Anyone can get their leg over if they really want to.

Perhaps the point I am trying to get across is although ultimately I know I shouldnt care what anyone really thinks about me-Point is, If I am to take a step back and assess what/how other people would view me-I know they would probably only be able to say that 'he's a nice guy'. A 'nice guy' isnt all I want to be remembered if you get me.

I have known many successful people. A few where I knew that I wanted some of that, which is to say I wanted to be like them, not to have the stuff that they had, but to have the calm self confidence. The most successful warriors and businessmen that I've known you wouldn't even know of their successes. They don't need to give a shit so they don't need to brag. Do something bold and meaningful and try to stay quiet about it. Few men can do this.

Humans like you don't even exist to people like them.

 

[Formless]

Honest answer-Probably not!
I've always been the 'good' guy whos always tries to pacify and please everyone.

Time for this shit to change

Good.

Realize that the identity you have is not an identity you consciously chose. I know we're all about personal responsibility here, but the truth is that you fell asleep on a boat, spent ten years floating in the sea, woke up and started asking 'where the F*ck am I?'

Grab the nearest plank of wood and row wherever you want.

You are no longer floating.

You are in control.

 

[oimate]

Way to take it on the chin and rebound!



+1


That's a great start!



Hey, speak for yourself!

(Actually, I 100% agree. This is home when nowhere else would have me and my crazy "go help people and money will come back" beliefs.)




I love this too.

Just pick a direction you like the look of, and start paddling.

It doesn't matter what direction intially. You can adjust as you go.

Just start paddling and you'll no longer be drifting.






Think about this statement @oimate. It's something I think about all the time.

What kind of man do you want your sons to grow up to be? Do you want them to beg for a job from someone? Do you want them to get into debt buying stuff they don't need to please people they don't know? Do you want their self-worth to be measured by how new their phones are? Do you want them to be 35 wondering wtf they should do with their lives? Do you want them to be the man their sons will look up to?

I have to be the man I want my sons to grow up to be. If I'm not, then I leave it up to them to work out how to do so.

Imagine you had your baby boy or girl in the palm of your hand looking up at you. You're their rock. You're the leader of the tribe. What do you want that little man or lady to see when they look at you?

You know guys, I cant thank all of you enough.

After the words of harsh encouragement, I was positive and pro-active from last night and again this morning. Last night, I went to the gym, came home and threw out all the junk food I had in my kitchen, called my dad and spoke to him about his business (which really is just a hobby for him-but his only real interest since retirement-so I bought him into the 21st century and set up facebook and twitter pages and linked these to his website, I also sent him a mailshot I done up on MailCheat(Chimp) and told him to prepare the lists so we can get these sent out.

I took on board some of the advice and you are correct- I am not the kinda guy that i'd want my daughter to date-To be honest I have had this thought rattling around my brain for a month or two now-That off-If I did come across a future partner-what really can I offer them bar a life of mediocracy?

So this morning I deleted my dating site accounts and I fully intend on concentrating on getting out there and meeting new people which can only occur by being proactive.

I have also got in touch with the local toastmasters group which I think will assist me to meet a new type of person as well as assisting with my speaking out and standing up for myself as opposed to just being the inoffensive 'nice guy' (ps I know theres nothing wrong with being a good guy and I dont intend to become a bigger a**hole-just someone with higher standards that I hold myself culpible to. I am away on holiday from next week for 2 weeks so have committed to attending the toastmasters next meeting which occurs on the 1st and 3rd Monday of each month.

During my 10am break I also searched for local voluntary organisations and by the of today I will have made enquiries.

I am fully aware that this is probably just the 1st wave of enthusiasm (since all you guys took the time out of your lifes to give me words of encouragement) and the bigger challenges are ahead tomorrow, next week/month/year(s) in addition to having not really sat down and wrote down what or who I am/want to be but I believe its a good start.

@Vigilante Your little line "I can't wait to read your post six months from now" is quite motivational and I look forward to being able to post my progression and hopefully become a shining light on this forum for someone who has actually changed their life by demonstrating pro-active mindset and becoming less self-centered is the way ahead.

 

[Imgal]

Off course I was able to blurt out how I like to keep fit by going to the gym (and I do) but outside work and a couple of hours in the gym per day, I literally have no real interests or hobbies and worse of all..I dont feel strongly about ANYTHING else in particular..I'VE NO IDENTITY OR CONVICTIONS IN MY LIFE!!.. I even use other peoples misfortunes or behaviours to sneer at when trying to be funny.

Has anyone else experienced this or been there and went about rectifying whom they are as a person?

As I said earlier, I am the classic sidewalker whos literally one paycheck from broke, who has aspirations to make more money but never bloody does.

I would love some thoughts of your thoughts people.

I think you're actually being too hard on yourself saying that you don't have any interests / hobbies or feel strongly about anything. I know it for a fact because you're here on this forum. I have absolutely no interest in fly fishing whatsoever so if I landed on a fly fishing forum I would not be signing up and I wouldn't be posting. The fact you are here and posting indicates that you're interested in two things at the very least - entrepreneurship and self-improvement / personal development however you want to put it. Add to that you're active on dating sites. Sure part of that might be to get some action, but equally it shows you're someone who wants to get out there and know other people.... all of these show a really strong desire to learn and develop you as a person.

The fact you say you are a classic sidewalker is the reason why you are. We are the people that we define ourselves as. Take a kinder look at yourself and stop wasting times on what you don't like. Embrace the you that wants to grow, improve and succeed. Wake up that person every day and you're on fire.

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

You're still a 20 year old frat guy in a 35 year old body.

Life is not about getting laid (crass immediate gratification), working out (that's not a personality characteristic), or self appreciation (what are you, 19?). It's not about dating a knockout (superficial), enjoying others misfortune, or spending everything you make.

You've missed most of the highlights of the past 10 years, by looking inward and not looking outward.

Here's what I missed from your post, and I surmise you have missed from your life :

1. philanthropy - what are you doing to make the world a better place
2. investment - instead of focusing on getting laid via. dating sites, what if you focused on being the type of person that didn't have to pay dating sites to get laid?
3. family - my guess is you are the douche bag uncle that isn't involved
4. spirituality - finding a reason that is bigger that you
5. service - when was the last time you did something for someone else that you didn't know
6. strategy on where you're headed
7. financial security - why are you at where you are at? My uncle was 85, never made more than minimum wage, but was in a better financial situation than you are. He had some money in the bank.

Why are you here at the forum? My guess is you were searching for "entrepreneur" and trying to figure out how to escape the rat race that you are in. Most (not all, but most) people can't find success until they fix several of the above areas. It's hard to concentrate on creating value that could impact thousands of people and improve their lives if you can't see past Friday night's dance party and getting laid from the next poor soul in similar circumstances who answers your next ad.

Pull your head out of your a$$. Put some basic building blocks in place. You can't build a mansion if the foundation sucks. You have to fix the foundational aspects of your life before you are ever going to graduate from mediocrity.

Harsh but I'm willing to bet accurate. I hope you take it as constructive and tough love because those 7 things will help you turn it all around.

All of the greats in history who really DID something with their lives -- the MLKs, the Ghandis, the Mother Theresas -- if you read their biographies you can distinctly find a moment in their life where they stopped thinking "there's only me here" and started thinking "there's only we here".

On purpose:

You don't find your life's purpose... it's not a thing that jumps out from behind a rock one day and says "Ah-HA! I'm your life's purpose!"

You DECIDE what your purpose is going to be.

On the above quote:

I feel like you were trying to impress us with your post. Look man, we all get laid. We all go to the gym. We don't care about the superficial stuff. As silly as it sounds over an online forum we actually care about the real you. A large portion of us know each other in person. We've shared success and we've shared failure. We've been through good times and bad. But our conversations rarely come around to "how many chicks did you bang this month".

P.S. I know the identity crisis completely. After I sold my dojo I was no longer a "martial arts instructor" (what I had been for the previous 17 years) -- it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I learned my job is not my identity. But it was difficult for me to decide what my identity was after that. I feel I have it down pretty well right now but I'm still shaping it. 5 years in the making.

Start journaling your thoughts and feelings every day. You'll learn a lot!

 

[Ubermensch]

Hi all,

Just a semi rant/little bit of self loathing.

I am your normal 35 yr old, sidewalker-mid 30k job, house,friends and decent enough social skills.

I am currently single but quite proactive on a number of dating sites and I can get laid without too much effort.

However, Change is required after my last couple of dates..in particular the last one.

She was quite honestly a knockout and the dream woman, who could quite easily do some modelling and I think we got on pretty well. The date went fine and we've been texting since so I know she didnt think i was a complete tool.

Whilst on the date, we were talking about likes, dislikes and interests, hobbies and life experiences-It was then that I realised that I have no sense of conviction about whom I am, and bar some travelling I done back in my early 20's, I have lived a pretty mundane existance for the past 10 years.

Off course I was able to blurt out how I like to keep fit by going to the gym (and I do) but outside work and a couple of hours in the gym per day, I literally have no real interests or hobbies and worse of all..I dont feel strongly about ANYTHING else in particular..I'VE NO IDENTITY OR CONVICTIONS IN MY LIFE!!.. I even use other peoples misfortunes or behaviours to sneer at when trying to be funny.

Has anyone else experienced this or been there and went about rectifying whom they are as a person?

As I said earlier, I am the classic sidewalker whos literally one paycheck from broke, who has aspirations to make more money but never bloody does.

I would love some thoughts of your thoughts people.

You know that scene in the movie Fight Club, when Tyler Durden starts off by lamenting the lack of potential in men just like yourself:

Believe it or not, brother, I can literally see the wasted potential in you. You're a middle-child of history, man. You have "no great war, no great depression." Your war is a $piritual war. Your war is your life.

Perhaps you've done the math, and you know that 35 years adds up to a whopping 306,000+ hours - and you have nothing to show for it all, no deeply held beliefs, no cherished ways of doing things, no craft you've mastered, no skill that you've monetized.

And yet...

You've gotten everyone's attention, haven't you?

Well, I have good news for you. Getting someone's ATTENTION(!) is so important in the sales process that Grant Cardone has a 48-minute video dedicated to the subject:

You have to start winning now, brother. That is the way to turn around your situation immediately.

Early in the above video, notice that Mr. Cardone points out that you need to take advantage of CURRENT market situations. That means, if there is a particular industry in which the service companies are poised for growth, then hunt down those service companies and start selling for one of them.

You can obviously get a date. A general rule of thumb is that if you are good at picking up women, you should be good at sales. The same skills - and the same process - applies. As a corollary to this, this means that if you've studied pick-up artistry, then you've studied sales (to an extent).

Let me ask you an honest question. If you had a check - with your name written on it - would you feel as down in the dumps as you did when you posted the OP? If that check had "$20,000" and your name written on it, would that make you feel better? If you were making money every single day - more than most people do in a week, a month, a year... - would you even have time to worry about your hobbies and interests?

You say you are a side walker that lives paycheck to paycheck. If you increase the frequency of those paychecks, and even if you put some extra zeroes on those paychecks, living "paycheck to paycheck" might not sound so bad to you. The only way to increase your number of paychecks and rapidly increase the size of said paychecks it to get a sales job.

Bro, you know what I say? I say it's great you don't have any hobbies and interests. Therefore, you have nothing to distract you from hustling (selling), making money (selling).

Dude, you don't have time for "hobbies and interests." You need to be in your zone 24/7. You need to have that hustler's electricity coursing through you at all times.

You know what a real hustler is doing while other people fool around with their "hobbies" and "interests"? He's busy dominating his industry. He's busy setting up meetings, setting up calls, following up, following up, and closing, closing, closing. @sija1 Some of us turn coffee into code. Others turn it into closes.

Your life sounds like the early stages of Robert Greene's (see above) life. In the video above, Greene discusses "turning points" in life. At age 36, Greene probably felt a lot like how you feel right now. He had over 80 jobs in his life, before penning his first best seller. In hindsight, he sees that he drew upon his entire life's experiences as material for the pages within his books.

It is human nature to focus on the negative side of things, the emptiness in the half full glass - to feel lost in the black darkness of a night sky, instead of using the stars as sparkling compasses.

35 may seem old to you, but it is really quite young. Most of us live around 18 years under the oppressive dictatorships of our parents. You haven't even lived half of your life as a free man yet. You still have decades to live, and the best is yet to come. At least, at this point, you have admitted the truth to yourself.

 

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[Andy Black]

Vigilante you are a complete and utter... speaker of the god darn truth!!.

I am indeed that guy whos literally wasted the past 10 years of my life looking inwards and going for that quick gratification/fix when I should have been having plans and clearly defined goals to becoming less of an self obsessed a**hole.

Your post and the other contributors telling me how it is/tough love did piss me off of and I am happy it has.

You are right that the foundations of my life does pretty much suck so becoming a more rounded person and working out who the hell I am and imposing from base level of who I want to be should be the first initial step to graduating from mediocrity

Way to take it on the chin and rebound!

Shows you have a core worth saving. Get to it. I can't wait to read your post six months from now.

+1

I've always been the 'good' guy whos always tries to pacify and please everyone.

That's a great start!

You're going to fit in great. We're all misfits here.

Hey, speak for yourself!

(Actually, I 100% agree. This is home when nowhere else would have me and my crazy "go help people and the money will follow" beliefs.)

I know we're all about personal responsibility here, but the truth is that you fell asleep on a boat, spent ten years floating in the sea, woke up and started asking 'where the F*ck am I?'

Grab the nearest plank of wood and row wherever you want.

You are no longer floating.

You are in control.

I love this too.

Just pick a direction you like the look of, and start paddling.

It doesn't matter what direction intially. You can adjust as you go.

Just start paddling and you'll no longer be drifting.

If you had a daughter and she dated a guy like you, would you be smiling about it?

Think about this statement @oimate. It's something I think about all the time.


What kind of man do you want your sons to grow up to be?

Do you want them to beg for a job from someone?

Do you want them to call someone "boss"?

Do you want them to get into debt buying stuff they don't need to please people they don't know?

Do you want their self-worth to be measured by how new their phones are?

Do you want them to be 35 wondering wtf they should do with their lives?

Do you want them to be the man their sons look up to?



I have to be the man I want my sons to grow up to be. If I'm not, then I leave it up to them to work out how to do so.

Imagine you had your baby boy or girl in the palm of your hand looking up at you. You're their rock. You're the leader of the tribe.

What do you want that little man or lady to see when they look up at you?


You've been gifted a life in a time of unprecedented opportunity to help your fellow man.

What will you do with it?

 

[Vigilante]

Honest answer-Probably not!
I've always been the 'good' guy whos always tries to pacify and please everyone.

Time for this shit to change

You're going to fit in great. We're all misfits here.

 

[AndrewNC]

I like to keep fit by going to the gym (and I do) but outside work and a couple of hours in the gym per day,

Take pride in the fact that you're killing it with the gym. This is more than a lot of people can say about their lives. When I begin to focus more on the good that I have in life, it begins to build the habit of focusing on positive emotions, which in terms is an upward spiral of even more positive emotions.

"rock bottom sets you free"

It's this very moment in your life that is going to be the point that you recognized started your upward spiral and change for the better.

 

[Mattie]

It doesn't matter where you're living. This is a self-limiting belief. Environment can have an influence on you, but there are times you deal with environment temporarily unless it's a war zone or physically dangerous. Many people start their business in a garage, library, or where ever they may find that is quiet and few distractions.

I agree with M.J. and Vigilante. There is a lot of self-discovery and finding your purpose to be done. If you don't, it makes it hard to be an entrepreneur. You won't stick long enough to a task to get anywhere. The limited thinking can be various thoughts which prohibit you. Every time you write them down, you will see them as you did in this thread. We're just pointing them out to you, but you should question all your thoughts and beliefs. Why do you believe them? Where did they come from? Are they yours other people's.

Starting over is not an easy process. It takes time. Do you have to high of expectations? Thinking they should be accomplished this year. You have to remember everyone's at a different level in here. Some people have different amounts in their bank accounts, so naturally they'd be headed in success faster. You can only start where you're at and move from there. Don't compare yourself to other people, or it will take you ten times longer to take action and make more excuses.

You can't build a mansion if the foundation sucks

This really is where you're at in life. Building the foundation. If you haven't got the things listed Vigilante wrote down, you can't build the mansion because it will collapse and fall down. "This is probably the part, where the old foundation has collapsed, and you're sinking on shifting sand. "Help Me, Help Me." Only the lesson in it, "I don't need someone to help me." It's an illusion. You just need to get up and take action. Do the research and find the answers. Push through your fears, motivate yourself, and don't depend on anyone else to do the work for you. We've all been there, because frankly from a young age, you're taught to depend on other people. You get in a bad habit of playing victim to get attention. Negative attention is better than no attention. Positive attention comes when you can be self-reliant and independent. Personally responsible to create your reality and life.

 

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[Vigilante]

Vigilante you are a complete and utter... speaker of the god darn truth!!.

I am indeed that guy whos literally wasted the past 10 years of my life looking inwards and going for that quick gratification/fix when I should have been having plans and clearly defined goals to becoming less of an self obsessed a**hole.

Your post and the other contributors telling me how it is/tough love did piss me off of and I am happy it has.

You are right that the foundations of my life does pretty much suck so becoming a more rounded person and working out who the hell I am and imposing from base level of who I want to be should be the first initial step to graduating from mediocrity

Shows you have a core worth saving. Get to it. I can't wait to read your post six months from now.

 

[oimate]

Hi all,

Just a semi rant/little bit of self loathing.

I am your normal 35 yr old, sidewalker-mid 30k job, house,friends and decent enough social skills.

I am currently single but quite proactive on a number of dating sites and I can get laid without too much effort.

However, Change is required after my last couple of dates..in particular the last one.

She was quite honestly a knockout and the dream woman, who could quite easily do some modelling and I think we got on pretty well. The date went fine and we've been texting since so I know she didnt think i was a complete tool.

Whilst on the date, we were talking about likes, dislikes and interests, hobbies and life experiences-It was then that I realised that I have no sense of conviction about whom I am, and bar some travelling I done back in my early 20's, I have lived a pretty mundane existance for the past 10 years.

Off course I was able to blurt out how I like to keep fit by going to the gym (and I do) but outside work and a couple of hours in the gym per day, I literally have no real interests or hobbies and worse of all..I dont feel strongly about ANYTHING else in particular..I'VE NO IDENTITY OR CONVICTIONS IN MY LIFE!!.. I even use other peoples misfortunes or behaviours to sneer at when trying to be funny.

Has anyone else experienced this or been there and went about rectifying whom they are as a person?

As I said earlier, I am the classic sidewalker whos literally one paycheck from broke, who has aspirations to make more money but never bloody does.

I would love some thoughts of your thoughts people.

 

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[Imgal]

We've all been there, because frankly from a young age, you're taught to depend on other people. You get in a bad habit of playing victim to get attention. Negative attention is better than no attention. Positive attention comes when you can be self-reliant and independent. Personally responsible to create your reality and life.

This really is at the centre of it all. People say we're all looking for approval. Personally I think it actually comes down more to wanting attention. We never truly grow out of crying to get our parents attention when we're feeling vulnerable. The problem is though that this negative desire for attention creates a cycle of needing external reinforcement to feel better and motivate us... and when that's the source you're always going to struggle to achieve as you're relying on the opinions of others. It's a heavy weight to carry ... unlike when you move to standing on your own two feet, grounded by the fact you know where you're going and what you're trying to achieve.

 

[oimate]

You're still a 20 year old frat guy in a 35 year old body.

Life is not about getting laid (crass immediate gratification), working out (that's not a personality characteristic), or self appreciation (what are you, 19?). It's not about dating a knockout (superficial), enjoying others misfortune, or spending everything you make.

You've missed most of the highlights of the past 10 years, by looking inward and not looking outward.

Here's what I missed from your post, and I surmise you have missed from your life :

1. philanthropy - what are you doing to make the world a better place
2. investment - instead of focusing on getting laid via. dating sites, what if you focused on being the type of person that didn't have to pay dating sites to get laid?
3. family - my guess is you are the douche bag uncle that isn't involved
4. spirituality - finding a reason that is bigger that you
5. service - when was the last time you did something for someone else that you didn't know
6. strategy on where you're headed
7. financial security - why are you at where you are at? My uncle was 85, never made more than minimum wage, but was in a better financial situation than you are. He had some money in the bank.

Why are you here at the forum? My guess is you were searching for "entrepreneur" and trying to figure out how to escape the rat race that you are in. Most (not all, but most) people can't find success until they fix several of the above areas. It's hard to concentrate on creating value that could impact thousands of people and improve their lives if you can't see past Friday night's dance party and getting laid from the next poor soul in similar circumstances who answers your next ad.

Pull your head out of your a$$. Put some basic building blocks in place. You can't build a mansion if the foundation sucks. You have to fix the foundational aspects of your life before you are ever going to graduate from mediocrity.

The degree to which this post pisses you off will be directly commensurate with the degree that you see yourself within it.

Vigilante you are a complete and utter... speaker of the god darn truth!!.

I am indeed that guy whos literally wasted the past 10 years of my life looking inwards and going for that quick gratification/fix when I should have been having plans and clearly defined goals to becoming less of an self obsessed a**hole.

Your post and the other contributors telling me how it is/tough love did piss me off of and I am happy it has.

You are right that the foundations of my life does pretty much suck so becoming a more rounded person and working out who the hell I am and imposing from base level of who I want to be should be the first initial step to graduating from mediocrity

 

[Vigilante]

These are great starts. Congrats for doing this.

Since you hit the gym regularly, I'd like to mention that this process you are starting is the same as bodybuilding and physique change. You can eat right and hit the gym 2 or 3 days in a row, but these "events" change nothing. The true results come from the "process" where these events form into a lifestyle-- a daily, automatic and routine part of your identity.



At the end of the day, this whole thing begins like a diet-- it's easy to do it for a few days, even a few weeks, but the real muster comes when you go for months. If you approach it this way and understand this relationship, we will hear from you in six months with legendary progress. If you approach it like the average "I'm on a diet" dude, there will be no post six months from now. And old routines resurfaces supplanted by the old "non-identity" identity.

I wish more folks that come through here would be as open minded as you. Usually these types of posts don't end well.

Good luck.

He (and the ones that come after him) are the one you built this place for.

 

[Bouncing Soul]

Why do we continue to live this unsatisfactory life when I assume seeing we're all members of the fastlane forum the underlying belief is that we know we should be doing better and we're all smart enough to be a success!

Its about the daily motivation and getting shit done attitude that I/we must learn.

No more "we"! Start there. You yourself are not doing the shit you need to do to be fulfilled. Do not try to make yourself comfortable placing yourself in to some group of people that share your malaise for life.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VE4Y0Z2/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

 

[Andy Black]

Also, go to 1:12:20 in this video. His answer to this question blew me away.

 

[Vigilante]

Sidebar... some of the women that have recently come to this forum kick a$$. Carry on.

 

[oimate]

Hey guys,

Its almost a month since the last post so thought i'd give a bit of progress as I am going to update regularly with how its going.

So had my holiday to the USA-This has given added incentive as it would be nice just to be able to go where and when I want-As MJ says this is real wealth.

I've consciously began to budget more and credit card debit slowly decreasing- setting a daily realistic budget and any excess I dont spend I'm using to transfer to CC debt.

Went to boss and asked/got a payrise and annual bonus due this month so that should go a long way to paying all the CC and small loan debt i've accrued.

Fastlane wise-I've began reading MJ's book again but with more purpose and making notes as I go along-Listening out more to peoples general life complaints so see what the trend is and if there is a service I can start that will solve some of lifes pain.

Admitably I still have no idea on how or what I'm going to do to move from the sidewalk but I am determined to get there.

 

[Formless]

"I lost my identity."

Did you ever have one? (legitimate question.)

 

[oimate]

"I lost my identity."

Did you ever have one? (legitimate question.)

Honest answer-Probably not!
I've always been the 'good' guy whos always tries to pacify and please everyone.

Time for this shit to change

 

[Andy Black]

Hey guys,

Its almost a month since the last post so thought i'd give a bit of progress as I am going to update regularly with how its going.

So had my holiday to the USA-This has given added incentive as it would be nice just to be able to go where and when I want-As MJ says this is real wealth.

I've consciously began to budget more and credit card debit slowly decreasing- setting a daily realistic budget and any excess I dont spend I'm using to transfer to CC debt.

Went to boss and asked/got a payrise and annual bonus due this month so that should go a long way to paying all the CC and small loan debt i've accrued.

Fastlane wise-I've began reading MJ's book again but with more purpose and making notes as I go along-Listening out more to peoples general life complaints so see what the trend is and if there is a service I can start that will solve some of lifes pain.

Admitably I still have no idea on how or what I'm going to do to move from the sidewalk but I am determined to get there.

Thanks for the progress update @oimate

That's great progress. Well done. Getting that CC paid off will be a great achievement and worth a pat on the back.

You might want to listen to MJ's book. I found I got different insights when I listened to it, and will do so regularly from now on.

As for helping people, listening for complaints is good. Maybe take it a step further and see if you can get into a habit of helping people and solving problems for them. Just the general mindset of holding the door open for people is a good place to start.

 

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[The Grind]

I got a great idea from a speech made by Frank Kern.

Design your perfect day.

What do you want to do every single day for the rest of your life?

Think long and hard about it. Your purpose, what you really want to do with your life will reveal itself if you don't already know.

Then start doing it, piece by piece.