How to stop getting abused by people?

[MTF]

How do you prevent it from happening?

You don't. Because you can't control other people.

You can spend your entire life trying to manipulate the world around you to be the way you want it to be (good luck with that). Or you learn how to feel okay with reality, whatever it is.

The problem wasn't the guy's attack. The problem was that you were so triggered by it that you reacted to it, tried to argue with him (what for?) and then wasted three hours of your life thinking about it afterward. And now you even wrote a long post about it, further fueling the flames.

This is very clear to see here:

It took me three hours to fall asleep that night, because I was angry at myself for having been abused so easily.

You abuse yourself, not other people.

The solution isn't something you do on the outside. It's reprogramming your mind to get conscious that you're starting to feel anger, then deciding not to engage in it, and then simply going away and chilling out. If a 5-year old kid attacked you this way, you'd laugh it off. So you already have this ability. Just need to train it to react the same way with adults.

Obviously, it's not easy. But I think it's important to go to the root right away and acknowledge that the problem isn't what's happening outside but what's your reaction to it inside.

It's easy to feel that others abuse you but usually it's the other way around (and if it's not, as is the case with domestic abuse, then obviously this is not the right place to seek help).

 

[Johnny boy]

I only read about a third of what you wrote but the answer is this:

Send them home and never talk to them again. Blocked, ignored, ghosted, etc.

The only people in my life are people that actually like me and want the best for me.

If I meet someone and they disrespect me right away, they aren’t my friend. Gone.

If I’m on a date with a chick and she’s not into me, she’s got bad taste. Gone.

Its a numbers game. Some don’t like you. Some do. Just screen them out and replace the negative people with positive people. Shake more hands. Start more conversations. When they suck, move on. When they’re great and supportive and enjoy being around you, keep em.

Every single person in my life supports me and likes me. If they didn’t I’ve either blocked them, fired them or dumped them

 

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[IceCreamKid]

You'll know you have arrived when someone can do some mean shit to you and you RESPOND from a place of love, compassion, and understanding.

Notice I used the word respond instead of react. When you respond, you have the power. When you react, you're giving all the power to him.

Release the ego. You have nothing to prove to him or anyone for that matter. Seek empathy. The guy sounds incredibly bitter and has had a very rough life. Must suck to be him and I hope he reaches a phase in life where he gets excited and inspired when he sees someone living well.

Ordinarily, I am trying to be a nice guy, to help people, to give value. Some see it as weakness and try to abuse you.

How do you prevent it from happening?

This is a rite of passage for all the nice guys. You will learn to sharpen your filter over time. Continue being the good guy, but F*ck anyone who tries to take advantage of you for it. They are no longer allowed in your circle. Blocked. Ghosted. Dead. Gone.

Life is too short to spend energy on negative individuals who won't push you forward.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Incredible responses by everyone, marked GOLD. Stuff like this makes me proud to have such people here at the forum, with mostly, reasoned responses.

I for one, would have just nodded my head and shown him the door. I don't have time for people like this in my life, much less in my home.

 

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[BizyDad]

If someone asks me how I'm going to pay my bills, I ask them how its any of their business.

You were mad because you got insulted. Sure the guy was incredibly rude. But why accept the insult? Even IF you have a silver spoon in your mouth, why should you be ashamed of that? And if you made your own way in the world, it again, is none of his business.

I tend to answer insulting questions with probing questions. Why are you so angry? How do you know I'm a capitalist? Who are you exactly and why are you in my apartment?

Hope that helps.

 

[The-J]

I feel bad for that guy. He's clearly bitter and has been for a long time. He sounds like the kind of dude who just wants to pick fights.

I say, forgive him and forgive yourself. You're not weak, you were sucker-punched. That kind of thing can happen to anybody. Most people would let it get physical, which is NEVER a good option when it comes to people like that. I bet he's a better fighter than you. That's not a gamble you wanna take, even if you're a trained martial artist. And if you ARE the better fighter, do you really want an assault charge for reacting to an insult?

Forgive him, but don't forget. That guy's not allowed over your house anymore.

 

[BizyDad]

Toughen up, bulk up, set boundaries, show them the door, shut it down, let it go, don't engage. For some reason, I can't shake this thread. I've been thinking about it for a day now. All the advice here is solid and has obvious benefits.

I think there is an opportunity being missed.

Instead of asking yourself "How do I stopped being abused like this" what if you asked yourself:

"How can I turn situations like these to my advantage?"

My junior year of high school I was the new guy in school. That year I had 3 bullies. I'm talking tormenting, harrassing, threatening, assaulting type bullying. The first one literally started on me day one, like some movie scene.

By my senior year of high school I developed some of the thickest skin around. And all three had become my good friends. They'd give me rides to and from school, and again out at night. Twice they helped me land jobs. We'd hang out, they introduced me to more friends. They set me straight when I was up to no good and headed down a dark path in my early 20's. I went to college with one. I later became roommates with another. The third was in my wedding party. I am still really good friends with 2 of them, texting regularly even though they live 2,000+ miles away. We've chatted every day this week in fact.

If you show someone the door, you'll never find out the impact they could have had on your life.

I'm not suggesting you and 40 yr old guy are going to become besties. And I certainly would not expose myself to a year of bullying for anybody.

But my point is there is a skill that can be developed, and if you develop this skill, you can go quite far in life.

You can turn enemies into friends.
You can turn haters into allies.
You can turn doubters into evangelists.

You're never going to please all people, nor should you try. I'm not suggesting that. Heck, I'm a guy who tends to piss some people off.

With this skill, you can have more friends, close more sales, get yourself out of more hot water, generate more engagement and have more people/friends/mentors/partners/employees/associates believe in you than you would if you just shut the door on every jerk that comes across your path.

But what entrepreneur doesn't want this skill? Imagine needing to close a huge sale but the prospect is giving you bullying vibes. What do you do?

Sure, you can tell yourself you don't want his business and move on. Case closed. No f$#%s given, no money received.

But what if you could flip the script, make him a fan of yours and close the sale anyways? Is that not better? What if he sends you 2 more clients? Is that not better?

The truth is you don't develop this skill by surrounding yourself only with people who like you.

You develop it by surrounding yourself with people who don't like you and you get them to change their mind about you. To get there, you have to be able to embrace some conflict.

How do you connect with people like that?

Well, there a ton of different tactics. You can express interest in them. You can make them laugh. You can find common ground. You can share similar stories. You can mirror their language, their cadence, their dialect or euphamisms. You can validate their positions. You can change their circumstances. You can express a desire to help them. You can help them feel good about themselves. You can help them achieve a goal. You can buy them a beer.

You can react differently to bullying than they expect.

There's lots of ways you can stand out. Through your words and deeds, you can change some one else's perception of you. Every situation, every person is different. What will work in one situation won't work on another. But over time you can learn to read people.

Since junior year, I've talked my way out of every fight I didn't want to have. This skill has also helped me talk my way out of more speeding tickets than I care to count.

There are huge benefits to learning to work through conflict rather than avoiding or eliminating it. For those older folks in this thread, I'm sure they are happy with how they are. No one here is wrong. We all have to choose the life we want.

But for the younger folks here, I would suggest you at least consider learning to work through some seemingly unnecessary conflict rather than avoiding it entirely. Take a genuine interest in people who have views that you feel are opposite yours or just flat out wrong. Even the occasional bully. Learn to see the world through other people's eyes. Do that and you can connect with people from many different walks of life.

When you learn how to change how people perceive you, life becomes more of an adventure and business becomes easier.

I just wanted to offer a different take based on my personal experience. Hope that helps someone.

 

[Lex DeVille]

I think there are four things that help me with this kind of situation:

1. Don't give a F*ck what other people think.
2. Release expectations about how others should behave.
3. Avoid engaging with bullshit completely.
4. Always have matches to burn the bridge to ashes.

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

Three thoughts:

1. "Nobody can hurt you without your permission." - Ghandi

Words will only affect you if you let them. A complete stranger can call you an a**hole and make you angry. A close friend can call you an a**hole and to you it means they love you. What's the difference? Same word. But one you let it hurt you, the other you let it endear you.

2. "You get what you tolerate." - Henry Cloud

There's a subtle difference between being aggressive and being assertive. You don't have to be a dick but there are times when you need to stand up for yourself. Most battles are not worth fighting but you shouldn't let people walk all over you.

It's a fine line and takes some real communication skills. But some people need correcting at times.

All communication is a loving response or a cry for help. His anger shows he was definitely crying for help.

3. You must to fill up your cup.

Your "cup" should be overflowing with self-love, self-confidence, and self-assuredness.

Nobody should be able to put anything in or take anything out because it's overflowing.

If someone insults you, your cup is already full and it just spills out.

If someone compliments you, your cup is already full -- meaning you don't need the validation from anyone but yourself.

If your cup had been full in that moment -- that interaction wouldn't have bothered you so much. You might have let it roll off your back. You might not have said anything. You might have cracked a joke. You might have diffused the situation. Or maybe you could have got really curious "why do you think that way?" or "what makes you say that?" or "tell me about your life"?

In a more connected way, of course. But I hope you see what I mean.

 

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[Andy Black]

TLDR: Some people in life are particularly perverse and will abuse you and your kindness and when you realize it happened, it's too late.

How do you prevent this from happening?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The full story:

IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST. We are not arguing political views here, I just told the story how it happened. The rules of the forum say we cannot discuss politics. Please comply. Thank you : )

My roommate invited some friends of hers for dinner yesterday night. I joined them at the end of the dinner because I wanted to work on my projects.

When I entered the room, I said hi to everyone, and took a seat. What followed happened fast and without me opening my mouth.

My roommate started saying out loud that I had complained earlier that I valued things less when they were easy to get than when they were hard (because I got an internship in a praised political institution and while I was happy at first, I told her my realization that it wasn't as hard to get as I thought it would be decreased the value I hold in the internship).

One guy, which I had never met before, found that outrageous. He started a monologue:
"Yeah, but you know, you can complain of that because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you f*cking capitalists. Me, I never had the right to not care about money. It's always there. I never even thought about doing an internship where you will do yours. This is why I had to work 15 years as a bartender. Where do you find the money to pay your rent? Huh? Where do you find it?"

I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to answer because I didn't expect to be attacked by someone I did not know...in my living room. I answered the truth, that I wasn't paying any rent at the moment because I was staying with a family member. That made him even angrier.

"Yeah, you got a silver spoon in your f*cking mouth, you have the luxury not to think about money, you never had to, you never will".

I started shaking. I stood up and told him to wait 2 minutes. Everyone saw I was angry. The atmosphere got tense.

I went to get my computer, came back and showed him a draft of blog post I had written. I wanted him to read the two sentences where I explain running out of money is my number one fear, way ahead of death and public speaking due to my money-tight childhood (why do you think I ended up on this forum lol).

Then he said "hey chill out, we're discussing, I am not attacking you or anything".

I was angry. I was really angry. I had let my guard down (I was in my own apartment for crying out loud) and had been attacked as a result. I walked straight into a trap that that idiot had laid for me.

It took me three hours to fall asleep that night, because I was angry at myself for having been abused so easily.

I figure that this type of abusive and passive-agressive behavior happens often where the stakes are high (politics, business).

What are the resources you guys use to deal with it? Physically I am short, 5,8, I am trying to build muscles so that I would commend a bit more respect, but otherwise, I am used to put out a mean face to instantly repel anyone that tries to mess with me (especially in the street since Brussels is a very dangerous city).

I didn't do it yesterday, and this is what I got.

Ordinarily, I am trying to be a nice guy, to help people, to give value. Some see it as weakness and try to abuse you.

How do you prevent it from happening?

PS: I talked with a friend today which was there last night, and she apologized for this guy's behavior, saying her boyfriend almost got into a fight with him last week.

He didn’t lay a trap for you. He was triggered by his own issues.

It’s almost never about you, it’s almost always about them. Once you figure that out you’ll be (better) able to let it go.

I’d be wary of that guy, and wary what I say to my flatmate going forward. I would mentally thank them both for letting me know what box to put them in.

 

[Deleted78083]

TLDR: Some people in life are particularly perverse and will abuse you and your kindness and when you realize it happened, it's too late.

How do you prevent this from happening?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The full story:

IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST. We are not arguing political views here, I just told the story how it happened. The rules of the forum say we cannot discuss politics. Please comply. Thank you : )

My roommate invited some friends of hers for dinner yesterday night. I joined them at the end of the dinner because I wanted to work on my projects.

When I entered the room, I said hi to everyone, and took a seat. What followed happened fast and without me opening my mouth.

My roommate started saying out loud that I had complained earlier that I valued things less when they were easy to get than when they were hard (because I got an internship in a praised political institution and while I was happy at first, I told her my realization that it wasn't as hard to get as I thought it would be decreased the value I hold in the internship).

One guy, which I had never met before, found that outrageous. He started a monologue:
"Yeah, but you know, you can complain of that because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you f*cking capitalists. Me, I never had the right to not care about money. It's always there. I never even thought about doing an internship where you will do yours. This is why I had to work 15 years as a bartender. Where do you find the money to pay your rent? Huh? Where do you find it?"

I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to answer because I didn't expect to be attacked by someone I did not know...in my living room. I answered the truth, that I wasn't paying any rent at the moment because I was staying with a family member. That made him even angrier.

"Yeah, you got a silver spoon in your f*cking mouth, you have the luxury not to think about money, you never had to, you never will".

I started shaking. I stood up and told him to wait 2 minutes. Everyone saw I was angry. The atmosphere got tense.

I went to get my computer, came back and showed him a draft of blog post I had written. I wanted him to read the two sentences where I explain running out of money is my number one fear, way ahead of death and public speaking due to my money-tight childhood (why do you think I ended up on this forum lol).

Then he said "hey chill out, we're discussing, I am not attacking you or anything".

I was angry. I was really angry. I had let my guard down (I was in my own apartment for crying out loud) and had been attacked as a result. I walked straight into a trap that that idiot had laid for me.

It took me three hours to fall asleep that night, because I was angry at myself for having been abused so easily.

I figure that this type of abusive and passive-agressive behavior happens often where the stakes are high (politics, business).

What are the resources you guys use to deal with it? Physically I am short, 5,8, I am trying to build muscles so that I would commend a bit more respect, but otherwise, I am used to put out a mean face to instantly repel anyone that tries to mess with me (especially in the street since Brussels is a very dangerous city).

I didn't do it yesterday, and this is what I got.

Ordinarily, I am trying to be a nice guy, to help people, to give value. Some see it as weakness and try to abuse you.

How do you prevent it from happening?

PS: I talked with a friend today which was there last night, and she apologized for this guy's behavior, saying her boyfriend almost got into a fight with him last week.

 

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[Jon L]

The book, "Feeling Good" has a great response to stuff like this.

"You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth and you're an ungrateful, miserable person."

"I agree. I was born into a family that had enough money, and am often not grateful enough for what I have. I also have a different view of money than most people. How does that make me a bad person?"

"Well you're just a no-good capitalist and all you care about is yourself."

"You're right again, I often care too much about myself. That is something I'm working to improve. Does having these faults make me an inferior person compared to you, or to anyone else here at the table?"

etc ...

try agreeing with him but asking him if the things he accuses you of make you less-than. "I just don't see how having faults makes me an inferior person. I think you would agree that having faults is part of being human and the best we can do is to attempt to improve ourselves."

Humility works.

 

[sparechange]

 

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[Simon Angel]

“Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation.”
― Viktor Frankl

Said by a Jew who survived a nazi concentration camp working 20 hours a day on train tracks with just a couple of hundred calories in his system while his cellmates kept dying (some just from the mental stress).

5'8 isn't small by the way, but if you're skinny you might perceive yourself as such for sure. Tom Hardy played Bane.

I'm slightly taller than you at 5'8.5 and the difference in people's perception of me changed significantly after I shot up to 73kg/160 lbs of mostly lean muscle. I also adopted the habit of shaving my hair by myself since The Great Reset commenced and grew a solid goatee.

I'd definitely recommend working on your outer masculinity if you're feeling inferior or intimidated by other men. Looking back at my pictures from a year ago I looked like Baby-era Justin Bieber, while now I look like an escaped convict.

I can relate to both of you, especially after the tinnitus thread situation, and while I realize I can be a douche sometimes, it doesn't sound like this guy does. It also looks like he decided to pick on you because he thought you were an easy target and docile, which is cowardice.

And yeah, you are a nice guy, but today's society has created too many nice guys with low testosterone and high cortisol - no fight or flight response, just flight. Imagine if you just wrestled each other around for a bit to get it out of your system and subsequently became friends after telling your stories and finding out you're not so different after all. Or just told him to get the F*ck out of your place for being a twat. Anything is better than feeling bad for it 5 hours after it happened, I guarantee you this guy didn't give it a second thought.

 

[Andy Black]

He doesn't even deserve all this attention.

Something I learned when I became a dad is that kids (and adults!) crave attention. People do the dumbest things to get attention, including getting into trouble.

Getting attention is what kids prize more than anything, and can be used to encourage the behaviour we want (see the video linked below).

As a parent you give attention, and that was one of my aha moments: Boys crave attention, men give attention (likewise for girls and women of course.)

I like framing it as becoming a man. It makes me think of someone putting down others to get the attention as a little boy, even if they're in their 20s, 30s, 40s (aka old enough to know better).

Something to think about if you're putting down others to get attention.


Here's that video:

• Are you a man amongst boys?

Oh, and what's the other saying:

"Walk softly, carry a big stick."

Loud mouths aren't the ones I'm worried about...

 

[Fox]

My roommate invited some friends of hers for dinner yesterday night. I joined them at the end of the dinner because I wanted to work on my projects.

When I entered the room, I said hi to everyone, and took a seat. What followed happened fast and without me opening my mouth.

My roommate started saying out loud that I had complained earlier that I valued things less when they were easy to get than when they were hard (because I got an internship in a praised political institution and while I was happy at first, I told her my realization that it wasn't as hard to get as I thought it would be decreased the value I hold in the internship).

One guy, which I had never met before, found that outrageous. He started a monologue:

I think the physical context here is important - this is your house.

The roommate thing complicates it a bit but if someone talked to me like that they got about 30 seconds to get their stuff and be out the door. Whatever points this guy might have (and he has none) he loses when he doesn't know how to talk so someone with even a bit of respect. No respect = his a$$ is going out the door pronto.

Since its a roommates friend though a better approach to do is to "go meta".

Basically don't engage his point but instead draw attention to his behaviour...

"Is this how you talk to someone you don't even know - that is messed up man, I never even meet you before - what is wrong with you!!?" - said calmly but with a tone of "you are being a total loser right now".

In NLP terms this is just taking control of the frame. He wanted you to get into defending yourself - but you switch it around and he is on the back foot trying to defend his own actions.

Now he is stuck - either he keeps arguing and looks like more of a loser or he starts back up and has to apologise. This works very well with a group/crowd cause it makes the other person look like a moron (and they are being one).

I use this technique whenever this happens - if someone is trying to be super passive aggressive with me and I just call them out on it and draw attention to what they are doing. Stay calm and just call it out nice and loud.

A good video on this is...

It is the same idea - don't engage what they are saying but call out the overall situation/their behaviour.

---

On another note I would be reassessing that housemate situation.

I would suggest directly telling that roommate - "don't ever do that again - if I come in and you start arguing with me about some BS in front of some strangers either I am gone or you are. You can introduce me properly and show some normal respect towards me in front of your friends."

Or just move out - birds of a feather flock together and if a roommate brings home idiot friends more than then just cut them out of your life quickly. There too many high value people around to waste time with losers.

Look at just having your own place if possible or move in with someone more on your wavelength.

 

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[Thoelt53]

Don’t tolerate it. Don’t engage. He’s a moron and the argument isn’t worth it.

Either walk away, or in your case, send his a$$ right out the front door of YOUR home.

Sometimes you can show people the light, but to come over to someone’s house, full of piss and vinegar, it’s not worth the time or effort. I’d say F*ck him, and probably would have led to a whooping. I’m kind to everyone I meet, and I expect the same in return.

The best policy is to disengage and walk away, unless you can’t.

 

[fridge]

Sounds like you've got an ego you're struggling viciously to hold onto. Try brazilian jiu jitsu 2-3x a week.

 

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[Lex DeVille]

Exactly. Why bother? Will it help you to engage with someone and their issues? What’s that quote/saying about arguing with fools?

Argue with a fool to distract from your hand in his pocket?

 

[csalvato]

That guy was 40. He behaves like a 16-year-old, but he was 40. My roommate is 34. My friend is 33. I am 26.

He's a loser. You're a winner. He doesn't even deserve all this attention. If we continue to give it, he's won.

 

[JordanK]

I think people on this thread are seriously overreacting.

A simple "Yeah bro, I'm the biggest baddest capitalist the world has ever seen! I actually just pulled up in my Ferrari, it's outside the door! The supermodels will be arriving shortly with the bottles and my suitcases of cash. If you are free tomorrow wanna come to Monaco and sail on my billion dollar yacht that I had my slaves build?"

Entire conversation is defused and everyone laughs.

You are also subtly implying that you won't be pushed around but that you are confident in your own self/position in life.

Any other response just reeks of insecurity.. if you start hitting him with facts or get super aggressive telling him to leave.. it's an emotional response which says a lot about you to other people.

I have run into this scenario multiple times especially being younger than you where a lot of the people my age are flat broke. It's an easy crowd pleaser to bash on the rich when they presume they are in similar company.

People who condescendingly ask me questions about parts of my life that are going well get stupid responses from me... "I'm an African warlord", "Part time Astronaut", "Donald Trumps Irish Cousin"

 

[Thoelt53]

View attachment 36722

My preferred method. Sadly nowadays that will just land you in jail, or worse. Often it’s best to just walk away.

 

[Deleted78083]

That's if you have to engage them.

Personally I'd just walk away, or if you can't physically walk away then I may just smile or shrug, say "OK", and leave it at that. I'm quite happy to let someone else have the last word.

In French, there is a quote that translates to "I'd rather be at peace than be right".

 

[socaldude]

Psychological violence and lashing out is a form of sadness and confusion.

Real “power” is not “getting back” or “vengeance” but rather rising above the situation with awareness.

It’s like watching a movie. The director made the movie with the intention of trying to manipulate your emotions. But because you step back and not let the action on the screen disturb you. You hold a power over the situation. Weak people let themselves get carried along with the action on the screen in life.

 

[Deleted78083]

You abuse yourself, not other people.

The solution isn't something you do on the outside. It's reprogramming your mind to get conscious that you're starting to feel anger, then deciding not to engage in it, and then simply going away and chilling out. If a 5-year old kid attacked you this way, you'd laugh it off. So you already have this ability. Just need to train it to react the same way with adults.

Obviously, it's not easy. But I think it's important to go to the root right away and acknowledge that the problem isn't what's happening outside but what's your reaction to it inside.

It's easy to feel that others abuse you but usually it's the other way around (and if it's not, as is the case with domestic abuse, then obviously this is not the right place to seek help).

I guess you are right. It's a perspective I did not think about. People will hurt you as much as you let them. Cheers!

I only read about a third of what you wrote

Yeah, it's a stupid waste-of-time story really, which is why I got the TLDR at the beginning. I still wrote it to provide context and give a general idea of what I meant with "abuse".

Its a numbers game. Some don’t like you. Some do. Just screen them out and replace the negative people with positive people. Shake more hands. Start more conversations. When they suck, move on. When they’re great and supportive and enjoy being around you, keep em.

Every single person in my life supports me and likes me. If they didn’t I’ve either blocked them, fired them or dumped them

That's right. Good people are rare, which is why one needs to look for them.

You were mad because you got insulted. Sure the guy was incredibly rude. But why accept the insult? Even IF you have a silver spoon in your mouth, why should you be ashamed of that? And if you made your own way in the world, it again, is none of his business.

I tend to answer insulting questions with probing questions. Why are you so angry? How do you know I'm a capitalist? Who are you exactly and why are you in my apartment?

I wish I had had the consciousness to react this way, but in a way, I am also glad I didn't cuz I didn't want to get into a fight.

I was so surprised, it came out of nowhere at 23h on a freacking Monday night. And the thing is that I didn't even open my mouth, I got into the room and suddenly, they started talking about what I was up to, talking about me using the third person like I was a child.

It was so...weird, rude, and patronizing I may have simply not believed it was actually happening.

I like the probing question technique. I'll keep that in mind if it happens again.

 

[sparechange]

My preferred method. Sadly nowadays that will just land you in jail, or worse. Often it’s best to just walk away.

Your honor, with all due respect the defendant was in fear of his life inside his own apartment, and chose to strike since he believed to have seen a weapon.

Case dismissed.

 

[Guest-5ty5s4]

TLDR: Some people in life are particularly perverse and will abuse you and your kindness and when you realize it happened, it's too late.

How do you prevent this from happening?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The full story:

IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST. We are not arguing political views here, I just told the story how it happened. The rules of the forum say we cannot discuss politics. Please comply. Thank you : )

My roommate invited some friends of hers for dinner yesterday night. I joined them at the end of the dinner because I wanted to work on my projects.

When I entered the room, I said hi to everyone, and took a seat. What followed happened fast and without me opening my mouth.

My roommate started saying out loud that I had complained earlier that I valued things less when they were easy to get than when they were hard (because I got an internship in a praised political institution and while I was happy at first, I told her my realization that it wasn't as hard to get as I thought it would be decreased the value I hold in the internship).

One guy, which I had never met before, found that outrageous. He started a monologue:
"Yeah, but you know, you can complain of that because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you f*cking capitalists. Me, I never had the right to not care about money. It's always there. I never even thought about doing an internship where you will do yours. This is why I had to work 15 years as a bartender. Where do you find the money to pay your rent? Huh? Where do you find it?"

I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to answer because I didn't expect to be attacked by someone I did not know...in my living room. I answered the truth, that I wasn't paying any rent at the moment because I was staying with a family member. That made him even angrier.

"Yeah, you got a silver spoon in your f*cking mouth, you have the luxury not to think about money, you never had to, you never will".

I started shaking. I stood up and told him to wait 2 minutes. Everyone saw I was angry. The atmosphere got tense.

I went to get my computer, came back and showed him a draft of blog post I had written. I wanted him to read the two sentences where I explain running out of money is my number one fear, way ahead of death and public speaking due to my money-tight childhood (why do you think I ended up on this forum lol).

Then he said "hey chill out, we're discussing, I am not attacking you or anything".

I was angry. I was really angry. I had let my guard down (I was in my own apartment for crying out loud) and had been attacked as a result. I walked straight into a trap that that idiot had laid for me.

It took me three hours to fall asleep that night, because I was angry at myself for having been abused so easily.

I figure that this type of abusive and passive-agressive behavior happens often where the stakes are high (politics, business).

What are the resources you guys use to deal with it? Physically I am short, 5,8, I am trying to build muscles so that I would commend a bit more respect, but otherwise, I am used to put out a mean face to instantly repel anyone that tries to mess with me (especially in the street since Brussels is a very dangerous city).

I didn't do it yesterday, and this is what I got.

Ordinarily, I am trying to be a nice guy, to help people, to give value. Some see it as weakness and try to abuse you.

How do you prevent it from happening?

PS: I talked with a friend today which was there last night, and she apologized for this guy's behavior, saying her boyfriend almost got into a fight with him last week.

The guy is a bully, and he is saying more about himself than anyone else.

It upset you because, like me, you deeply want to feel like you have accomplished things yourself and want to prove your worth in life. I totally get it and I think lots of people on this forum feel the same way. Those insults cut deep.

The best thing to do I think is to disengage this person or try to say something like “Yup, that’s me, totally.” Because that will deflate the whole conversation.

The next thing I would do (and others may disagree) is disconnect from this person, because they clearly are not your friend and don’t care about you. Worse, they see you as some kind of enemy. That’s not a person I’d want in my life if I could avoid it.

Again the disconnecting may be bad advice, I hate the lonely feeling of that, but some people really are bullies and jerks and just aren’t worth dealing with.

If you must continue with this person, try to keep things as brief and light hearted as possible. And just keep working on the thick skin part - that takes a lot of practice, because like we all know, some things can really hit a nerve. And for you it’s definitely the desire to prove your value! I get it.

But overall, this guy needs to know that you don’t tolerate being treated so badly. You’re not a doormat.

So don’t pretend everything is fine, because they will continue to treat you like crap. Everything is a balance.

 

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[Xeon]

TLDR: Some people in life are particularly perverse and will abuse you and your kindness and when you realize it happened, it's too late.

How do you prevent this from happening?

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The full story:

IMPORTANT NOTE: THIS IS NOT A POLITICAL POST. We are not arguing political views here, I just told the story how it happened. The rules of the forum say we cannot discuss politics. Please comply. Thank you : )

My roommate invited some friends of hers for dinner yesterday night. I joined them at the end of the dinner because I wanted to work on my projects.

When I entered the room, I said hi to everyone, and took a seat. What followed happened fast and without me opening my mouth.

My roommate started saying out loud that I had complained earlier that I valued things less when they were easy to get than when they were hard (because I got an internship in a praised political institution and while I was happy at first, I told her my realization that it wasn't as hard to get as I thought it would be decreased the value I hold in the internship).

One guy, which I had never met before, found that outrageous. He started a monologue:
"Yeah, but you know, you can complain of that because you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you f*cking capitalists. Me, I never had the right to not care about money. It's always there. I never even thought about doing an internship where you will do yours. This is why I had to work 15 years as a bartender. Where do you find the money to pay your rent? Huh? Where do you find it?"

I was paralyzed. I didn't know what to answer because I didn't expect to be attacked by someone I did not know...in my living room. I answered the truth, that I wasn't paying any rent at the moment because I was staying with a family member. That made him even angrier.

"Yeah, you got a silver spoon in your f*cking mouth, you have the luxury not to think about money, you never had to, you never will".

I started shaking. I stood up and told him to wait 2 minutes. Everyone saw I was angry. The atmosphere got tense.

I went to get my computer, came back and showed him a draft of blog post I had written. I wanted him to read the two sentences where I explain running out of money is my number one fear, way ahead of death and public speaking due to my money-tight childhood (why do you think I ended up on this forum lol).

Then he said "hey chill out, we're discussing, I am not attacking you or anything".

I was angry. I was really angry. I had let my guard down (I was in my own apartment for crying out loud) and had been attacked as a result. I walked straight into a trap that that idiot had laid for me.

It took me three hours to fall asleep that night, because I was angry at myself for having been abused so easily.

I figure that this type of abusive and passive-agressive behavior happens often where the stakes are high (politics, business).

What are the resources you guys use to deal with it? Physically I am short, 5,8, I am trying to build muscles so that I would commend a bit more respect, but otherwise, I am used to put out a mean face to instantly repel anyone that tries to mess with me (especially in the street since Brussels is a very dangerous city).

I didn't do it yesterday, and this is what I got.

Ordinarily, I am trying to be a nice guy, to help people, to give value. Some see it as weakness and try to abuse you.

How do you prevent it from happening?

PS: I talked with a friend today which was there last night, and she apologized for this guy's behavior, saying her boyfriend almost got into a fight with him last week.

That moment when you told him to wait "2 mins" while you go to your PC to show him some draft blog post you wrote, was the moment you lost to him.

If this happened in my house, I would tell him to get out.
If this happened at work, I would avoid the person at all cost and if things escalate, start looking for a new job.

Ignoring and cutting off all contact is the best. You can't fix toxic people.

 

[Andy Black]

3. Avoid engaging with bullshit completely

Exactly. Why bother? Will it help you to engage with someone and their issues? What’s that quote/saying about arguing with fools?

 

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[Andy Black]

If you have to engage with them, then you could be try to be genuinely curious why they think that way, and how you’d get them to think about things differently.

That's if you have to engage them.

Personally I'd just walk away, or if you can't physically walk away then I may just smile or shrug, say "OK", and leave it at that. I'm quite happy to let someone else have the last word.