How to help Old Friends?

[OVOvince]

So much of my grinding has been done in isolation. My immediate family supports me but certain uncles and aunties keep discouraging me because they want me to take the traditional route.

Fortunately, things have been picking up, and things are much better than they have been in the past 3 years. I have an enterprise software startup that looks promising (timing wise) according to the industry experts, so now its a matter of getting a badass team, incorporating a great culture, and executing correctly. and on the side, I have a search engine marketing business hustle that is raking I some really good amount of money that might leave outsiders wondering why im pursuing the software business that hasn't exactly kicked off yet (but will once the MVP is done).

I have been isolated friends wise as well, cut everyone off from my old city, and have had trust issues to get real close with friends in the new city, unless its people I can relate to (hustle wise doing similar things--chasing dreams regardless of the path chosen whether its business or sports or music etc etc).

The thing is, when I left the old city, I had a group of friends from high school, that I don't get the chance to hang around much. In fact I haven't seen them since I left, but they have been the only people I contact from that city. I call these friends and we catch up like nothing, and most importantly, these guys are SUPPORTIVE. they are complete opposite from the "friends" from college that will talk behind my back, discourage me for whatever reasons, etc.

to put more context in, these friends are "hood", but they are loyal. they get irritated that I never come to visit, but never jealous of the things I tell them that im doing. and they believe and hope I can make it. I don't want to be a wolf reject and leave those guys hanging. I have developed a great deal of empathy despite all the trust issues I have and whatnot. as dreamers do often times-- gaze into the distant future, I am curious about how I can help out those friends. they are struggling everyday. they might have made dumb decisions in the past (ruining sports scholarships by being reckless) that made them resort to taking risky decisions such as drug dealing and whatnot, but they are good people at the core that are willing to learn and grow given a chance and some guidance.

any thoughts on this?

 

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[SteveO]

There is a reason for the old saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink".

Move on with your life. Your friends will figure out their path.

 

[OVOvince]

There is a reason for the old saying, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink".

Move on with your life. Your friends will figure out their path.

are you serious? or better question-- did you even read everything I wrote?

you are basically telling me to lump the supportive friends with the fake friends that want me to fail.

sorry man, I refuse to take this advice

 

[SteveO]

are you serious? or better question-- did you even read everything I wrote?

you are basically telling me to lump the supportive friends with the fake friends that want me to fail.

sorry man, I refuse to take this advice

Yes I read everything that you wrote.

What are you planning on doing? Bringing in your old friends to help you build your business?

It sounds like you are off to a good start. My suggestion is that you continue on that path and make yourself successful.

You don't need to take my advice. This is simply a forum and I cannot glean the entire situation from a few paragraphs.

 

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[SteveO]

I have some old friends that saw my success in real estate. They wanted to be part of it. I partnered with a couple of them on a few deals years ago.

On one deal we made an arrangement that we would all purchase and refurbish three properties (21 units) together. I put the deal together with absolutely no help from the other three. I then proceeded to make plans for the rehab which required an approval from the city. Again with no help.

After 5 trips to the city (a four hour drive for me) I was able to get the rehab plan started. I tried to divide up the responsibilities amongst the partners to get things done. When things did not move along, I took control of the entire project again. They did come up and help with pieces of the rehab but I did the brunt of the work.

When it was all completed, I worked with the agent to get the building sold. I also managed the property during the entire process for free because no one else was willing to do so.

When it was done, everyone made about 150% return on their money in less than a year. I heard many gripes about how we could/should have made more money but not a single "thanks". They wanted to know what deal we were going to do next. I suggested someone else for them to go to as I would no longer be taking on partners.

One of the partners took my advice and invested with the other group. He bailed out of that investment early and lost money as a result. He wanted me to give him the money that he lost.

I was no longer friends with any of that group after that.

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

I can understand your situation. I grew up in the hood as well. Hell, I still have a couple friends who steal cars for a living -- but gawsh darn it are they supportive and loving and appreciative of me.

I've been struggling to find Jim Rohn speaking on this very subject but he said something that really helped me I'll try and paraphrase here:

There are 3 ways to handle the people in your life.

Increased association. These are the people you should be spending more time with. Smarter than you, fitter than you, have interesting or unique experiences and life lessons to share. Spend MORE time with these people.

Limited Association. These are the friends, family, and others who care about you, who support you, who love you but have a negative affect on your mentality, finances, fitness, or whatever. You and I both have these friends today -- there's nothing wrong with them as people. They are great, fantastic, amazing... and just because they aren't successful financially, maybe they are successful in their relationships, maybe they are successful in their fitness. Everyone has value.

Disassociate. These are the people who aren't anything. Not successful in any area. Not positive. Not supportive. Not friendly. Get rid of them. And don't take half-measures. DIS-ASSOCIATE.

If you're looking for a bit of advice here's what I have to say:

1. Don't kid yourself into thinking that hanging around people who aren't financially successful will someone magically help you to become financially successful. You are the sum of the five closest people in your life. Period.

2. You don't need to be so dramatic about it. Somewhere along the way you've linked up that you can't have friends to become successful. That's silly and a very incorrect neuro-association (but we all have them). You CAN have your cake and eat it, too. If they are truly your friends they will understand when you say you need to work. And keeping your nose to the grindstone is a way to "limit" the association without cutting people out of your life. Enjoy your time with them but guard that time like your life depends on it... because it does.

3. You've clearly made the distinction between the people you need to limit your time with (which is seems you already do) and the people you need to disassociate from (which it seems like you need to get rid of the college kids immediately) so do it.

 

[Jon L]

I tend to agree with Steve on this one...you can't force a horse to drink. That said, you can see if they're thirsty, and nudge them in the right direction. Questions like, 'have you ever thought about running your own business?' and the like can be a good conversation starter. or not ... it will give you an idea of their level of thirst. Some people are just fine being desperate, financially. They would rather stay put than go through the changes necessary to be successful.

Like someone else said, though, you need to surround yourself with people that you want to be like. Spend the vast majority of your time with them, and help old friends on occasion. Otherwise, they'll bring you down.

 

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[Fox]

Congratulations that things are going well!

Lots of relationships go sour by just handing over support to people in the form of money or possessions.
People who have no way of repaying a favor may start to resent the free charity after a while. It undermines their self value and respect over time.

Best way is to try 'teach a man to fish'.

Buy them a copy of the Millionaire Fastlane . Check back in a few weeks and see what they think. If they have read it cover to cover and are genuinely interested then they might be ready for the next steps towards wealth. If they haven't then chances are they just don't want it bad enough. The Fastlane is not for everyone.

I have used the 'book test' (different wealth books or YT videos) several times to see which friends or family members are actually interested in becoming wealthy. Very few have taken the opportunity. Most of those books are sitting in a back shelf somewhere. The few who have I have helped on towards greater things.

Start small and see if they even bit. If they don't then just leave it and limit your time around these people.

 

[Veloce Grey]

So you're busy trying to babysit grown adults who have already thrown away golden opportunities and are now dealing drugs, while your competition is busy working on improving their product and satisfying customer's needs. That sounds like it'll be a one sided contest.

 

[JustAskBenWhy]

I have some old friends that saw my success in real estate. They wanted to be part of it. I partnered with a couple of them on a few deals years ago.

On one deal we made an arrangement that we would all purchase and refurbish three properties (21 units) together. I put the deal together with absolutely no help from the other three. I then proceeded to make plans for the rehab which required an approval from the city. Again with no help.

After 5 trips to the city (a four hour drive for me) I was able to get the rehab plan started. I tried to divide up the responsibilities amongst the partners to get things done. When things did not move along, I took control of the entire project again. They did come up and help with pieces of the rehab but I did the brunt of the work.

When it was all completed, I worked with the agent to get the building sold. I also managed the property during the entire process for free because no one else was willing to do so.

When it was done, everyone made about 150% return on their money in less than a year. I heard many gripes about how we could/should have made more money but not a single "thanks". They wanted to know what deal we were going to do next. I suggested someone else for them to go to as I would no longer be taking on partners.

One of the partners took my advice and invested with the other group. He bailed out of that investment early and lost money as a result. He wanted me to give him the money that he lost.

I was no longer friends with any of that group after that.

Haha - Sounds about right. Limited Partnership is the only way to go

 

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[ZCP]

Put them to bird dogging. Let them find deals for you. They get a cut. The ones that hustle, back. The rest, tell them your customers pay you for value and that is what you would be more than willing to do for them.

No jobs. No partnerships. Value = help.

Those that want out will take the step.

 

[OVOvince]

I have some old friends that saw my success in real estate. They wanted to be part of it. I partnered with a couple of them on a few deals years ago.

On one deal we made an arrangement that we would all purchase and refurbish three properties (21 units) together. I put the deal together with absolutely no help from the other three. I then proceeded to make plans for the rehab which required an approval from the city. Again with no help.

After 5 trips to the city (a four hour drive for me) I was able to get the rehab plan started. I tried to divide up the responsibilities amongst the partners to get things done. When things did not move along, I took control of the entire project again. They did come up and help with pieces of the rehab but I did the brunt of the work.

When it was all completed, I worked with the agent to get the building sold. I also managed the property during the entire process for free because no one else was willing to do so.

When it was done, everyone made about 150% return on their money in less than a year. I heard many gripes about how we could/should have made more money but not a single "thanks". They wanted to know what deal we were going to do next. I suggested someone else for them to go to as I would no longer be taking on partners.

One of the partners took my advice and invested with the other group. He bailed out of that investment early and lost money as a result. He wanted me to give him the money that he lost.

I was no longer friends with any of that group after that.

you are right, it's hard to tell what i am trying to say. i did mention in the OP that i was gazing far into the future---meaning when I am officially "successful" one day, or you know, stable and well off financially. I was thinking about they days that I CAN afford to help out.

At the same time, I do understand where you are coming from, people can be lazy. These old friends seem ambitious to me, and are willing to learn and grow as I said, but are just in some messed up situations. Maybe if I find a way to give them an opportunity, they will turn out how your old friends did, and maybe not. I guess I'll find out one day. I just thought someone might have done this successfully, like all the really successful rappers do---- create music label businesses and hire their friends, who are ambitious enough to run the business with them.

I can understand your situation. I grew up in the hood as well. Hell, I still have a couple friends who steal cars for a living -- but gawsh darn it are they supportive and loving and appreciative of me.

I've been struggling to find Jim Rohn speaking on this very subject but he said something that really helped me I'll try and paraphrase here:

There are 3 ways to handle the people in your life.

Increased association. These are the people you should be spending more time with. Smarter than you, fitter than you, have interesting or unique experiences and life lessons to share. Spend MORE time with these people.

Limited Association. These are the friends, family, and others who care about you, who support you, who love you but have a negative affect on your mentality, finances, fitness, or whatever. You and I both have these friends today -- there's nothing wrong with them as people. They are great, fantastic, amazing... and just because they aren't successful financially, maybe they are successful in their relationships, maybe they are successful in their fitness. Everyone has value.

Disassociate. These are the people who aren't anything. Not successful in any area. Not positive. Not supportive. Not friendly. Get rid of them. And don't take half-measures. DIS-ASSOCIATE.

If you're looking for a bit of advice here's what I have to say:

1. Don't kid yourself into thinking that hanging around people who aren't financially successful will someone magically help you to become financially successful. You are the sum of the five closest people in your life. Period.

2. You don't need to be so dramatic about it. Somewhere along the way you've linked up that you can't have friends to become successful. That's silly and a very incorrect neuro-association (but we all have them). You CAN have your cake and eat it, too. If they are truly your friends they will understand when you say you need to work. And keeping your nose to the grindstone is a way to "limit" the association without cutting people out of your life. Enjoy your time with them but guard that time like your life depends on it... because it does.

3. You've clearly made the distinction between the people you need to limit your time with (which is seems you already do) and the people you need to disassociate from (which it seems like you need to get rid of the college kids immediately) so do it.

really appreciate you answering man, this me organize people LOL. you are right about the sum of the five closest people in my life. the thing is, i feel like my friends have TALENT. and that if i give them a place to start, they can do really good. and im not just blowing smoke out of my a$$ saying this, those guys genuinely surprise me. its funny how people have this perception that ghetto kids are not intelligent or something just because they speak slang. that's why i was thinking about this as well, i feel like these guys have potential themselves, and arent just scrubs or anything. they just need a little push, and they can be good.

Congratulations that things are going well!

Lots of relationships go sour by just handing over support to people in the form of money or possessions.
People who have no way of repaying a favor may start to resent the free charity after a while. It undermines their self value and respect over time.

Best way is to try 'teach a man to fish'.

Buy them a copy of the Millionaire Fastlane . Check back in a few weeks and see what they think. If they have read it cover to cover and are genuinely interested then they might be ready for the next steps towards wealth. If they haven't then chances are they just don't want it bad enough. The Fastlane is not for everyone.

I have used the 'book test' (different wealth books or YT videos) several times to see which friends or family members are actually interested in becoming wealthy. Very few have taken the opportunity. Most of those books are sitting in a back shelf somewhere. The few who have I have helped on towards greater things.

Start small and see if they even bit. If they don't then just leave it and limit your time around these people.

this is a perfect answer man, i can't spoon feed them, especially not now even if i wanted to, but i can surely act like a compass to try to help them, and then see their reactions.

 

[OVOvince]

So you're busy trying to babysit grown adults who have already thrown away golden opportunities and are now dealing drugs, while your competition is busy working on improving their product and satisfying customer's needs. That sounds like it'll be a one sided contest.

you make horrible assumptions for a living or what?

 

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[Kung Fu Steve]

really appreciate you answering man, this me organize people LOL. you are right about the sum of the five closest people in my life. the thing is, i feel like my friends have TALENT. and that if i give them a place to start, they can do really good. and im not just blowing smoke out of my a$$ saying this, those guys genuinely surprise me.

It sounds to me like you have some real strong reasons to succeed. There are people counting on you to lead them into a better life. Maybe it's these friends, maybe it's someone else but the powerful thing about having strong reasons is that:

When you have strong enough reasons why, the how usually just shows up.

And there's no stronger reason than to contribute to others.

its funny how people have this perception that ghetto kids are not intelligent or something just because they speak slang. that's why i was thinking about this as well, i feel like these guys have potential themselves, and arent just scrubs or anything. they just need a little push, and they can be good

I have a pretty strong belief that the majority of this current "generation" of college-educated-liberal-arts-majored-"overqualified" young men and women are missing a CRITICAL factor: common sense.

Street smart people handle problem solving in a way that says "solve the problem no matter what".

I would say your friends will have a step above....

But it's going to require every ounce of you to train them, teach them, support them.

You are going to have to become a very great man to do all of that. You will have to teach them how to speak, how to dress, how to win trust of anyone (not just other street-wise common folk). You're going to have to learn how to inspire them and lead them in ways that you never knew existed. But the journey starts here. If you can't do these things yourself, you need to start today going out to learn them so you can help them.

And the best way to do that is to lead by example.

Once you do that -- there is no coaxing, there is no convincing, there is only two words: "Follow me."

 

[SteveO]

Haha - Sounds about right. Limited Partnership is the only way to go

funny how people have this perception that ghetto kids are not intelligent or something just because they speak slang.

I came from the pits. I lived with a totally crazy mother that was on welfare. I grew up fighting, being called names, and poorer than all the people around me. I was booted from school and did not finish 10th grade. Me, and all my friends were druggies that had many ingenious ways of affording our habits.

My wife (an ex-attorney) usually has a humorous line or two when it comes to something I say. Our accountant and her assistant, both females, had inquired about which college I went to. I responded with "college? I did not even make it through high school". To which my wife responded "yeah ladies... He's a keeper..."

I have no misconception about the smarts of many of the people in that environment.

I tried for years to reach out to people from my past. They may say things along the lines of wanting to do something different. It just never seems to work.

Your example of the rapper is idealistic. I bet that you will find that many of them will not be interested in hanging out with you as your success builds. They won't understand the language that you speak or the actions that you take.

 

[OVOvince]

It sounds to me like you have some real strong reasons to succeed. There are people counting on you to lead them into a better life. Maybe it's these friends, maybe it's someone else but the powerful thing about having strong reasons is that:

When you have strong enough reasons why, the how usually just shows up.

And there's no stronger reason than to contribute to others.



I have a pretty strong belief that the majority of this current "generation" of college-educated-liberal-arts-majored-"overqualified" young men and women are missing a CRITICAL factor: common sense.

Street smart people handle problem solving in a way that says "solve the problem no matter what".

I would say your friends will have a step above....

But it's going to require every ounce of you to train them, teach them, support them.

You are going to have to become a very great man to do all of that. You will have to teach them how to speak, how to dress, how to win trust of anyone (not just other street-wise common folk). You're going to have to learn how to inspire them and lead them in ways that you never knew existed. But the journey starts here. If you can't do these things yourself, you need to start today going out to learn them so you can help them.

And the best way to do that is to lead by example.

Once you do that -- there is no coaxing, there is no convincing, there is only two words: "Follow me."

you are 100% right about everything man, really appreciate this once again. i feel like my "why's" have always been for the greater good, not just materialistic things ONLY, whether it's to be in a better position to make a significant positive difference in the community and the world, or even this--help out close friends and families. i feel like it does give me extra fuel and great intensity for focus.

as you said, my personal journey starts, well it has already started, but now i'm even more conscious of this holistic transitioning I have to make, which is great, because I always thought life is about progress to the fullest.

 

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[SteveO]

Haha - Sounds about right. Limited Partnership is the only way to go

Yep... Naïve would be the best way to say it...

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

you are 100% right about everything man, really appreciate this once again. i feel like my "why's" have always been for the greater good, not just materialistic things ONLY, whether it's to be in a better position to make a significant positive difference in the community and the world, or even this--help out close friends and families. i feel like it does give me extra fuel and great intensity for focus.

as you said, my personal journey starts, well it has already started, but now i'm even more conscious of this holistic transitioning I have to make, which is great, because I always thought life is about progress to the fullest.

Ok but now here's the tough love: don't talk about it, be about it.

Get to work!

 

[throttleforward]

I was booted from school and did not finish 10th grade.

And you just bought a golf course. Much respect to you sir!

OP - You started one of the more interesting threads in a while (very few people talk about helping others as a primary motivation here), I hope you heed the advice of the folks who have contributed to it. There are some very accomplished people who gave you solid advice here.

Many a professional athlete has gone broke trying to support everyone who knew them back home. Being a strong member of your community and remembering your roots (e.g. supporting friends who supported you) while staying true to yourself and providing hand ups as opposed to hand outs is a difficult balance to achieve.

I like @ZCP ' s suggestion that you let your friends "bird dog" for you. The hustlers and people who truly support you will be all in, because they believe in you. The freeloaders will wait for you and others to do the heavy lifting, then give you a sob story and ask for money (I've been there, done that).

Also, I'm a stong believer in the "5 closest people" theory. You need to up your game and start associating with people who are as or more successful than you on a regular basis. It's the best way to help yourself and help those around you.

Finally, there is a saying in EMS - help yourself before you help others, as you're no good to anyone if you're injured yourself. You need to constantly strengthen your position in order to be the "rising tide that lifts all boats" back home.

 

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[redsfaithful]

So, something that may or may not apply to you because you don't really talk about how you grew up, is that nobody talks about class in America. Everyone calls themselves middle class. If you have a job you're middle class. If you own a business you are middle class. If you're a doctor, you're middle class. If you make a couple million a year, well then maybe MAYBE you're upper middle class.

Now, I don't know how you grew up. Perhaps you had professional parents, went to a top tier high school, and if that's the case this may not apply to you. But if you didn't, then you are now probably switching classes.

My father drove a truck. My mother worked in a factory, and once her wrists and hands couldn't take the work anymore, she got a job in a lawyer's office. They were both ex-Army.

I'm 34 and in the top 1% in household income (my wife stays at home though) and it is a weird thing to transition from a very working class / blue collar childhood (but my mom would have called us middle class, don't you know) to where I am now. You can feel like you're on an island at times.

I took a friend from high school to Vegas last year, paid for everything, and by the end it was awkward (100% from him, because I truly did not make a big deal out of paying for everything and was 100% happy to do so.) It honestly hadn't occurred to me that he would feel weird about it, which was very dumb in hindsight. Life is full of potential pitfalls like that now. Class is weird.

So think about all of that a little bit, and realize that may be part of what you are going through, and part of what you need to consider going forward. You are living your life, doing your best, and that is ok.

The first few years I was doing well, I thought a lot about how to help everyone I knew. I tried to show people what I was doing, and that they could do it too. Everyone who is successful in this forum will know what I am about to say: none were really interested, when it came down to it. There was never follow through.

I sold a piece of a business once, and bought five cars for people in my life who needed them. I am not sorry I did it, but I also am not sure it helped any of them much. I have spent many tens of thousands of dollars helping friends and family. I have tried giving friends and family jobs. I have tried doing partnerships. The only thing I don't regret is when I essentially handed over money with no strings, and only because that's the healthiest way to help others that I currently know of, with the life experience I have accumulated.

However, I do employ one family member now, and they work hard, and it is working well. So it's not impossible!

But I would say, in general, help where you can, for sure, because you need empathy and that's part of being fully human, but also learn ASAP that it's not your responsibility to take care of anyone else.

Finally, you don't have an infinite amount of time. Time spent on failed deals with friends, or wasted time spent on employees that turn out to be money losers is time that could have made you more money doing other things. I have only recently really internalized this, and it's a big one. It's easy, especially in your 20's, to think you have time to do 10 different deals and 20 different businesses and to coach people who don't really want to work hard into being good employees, but eventually you have to focus in on is your biggest ROI activity. There are so many ways to make money in this world, and they can all be attractive, but in the end some are going to have more potential than others.

Helping your friends with jobs or teaching them to do what you do might feel like the right thing to do, but honestly, probably not. Your old friends are all adults, and while everyone starts off with different advantages and disadvantages, they now have to play the cards they have been dealt. If one is a true go getter, and truly serious you will probably recognize it. A good tell is if they become obsessed with making money and building something - just like I am sure you have been obsessed. Most people don't have that.

Good luck, this is a really hard thing that isn't talked about enough.

 

[Andy Black]

It's great that you want to help others. Preserve that urge, and don't let it die from attempts not working out. Just make sure you protect yourself in the process too.

Helping people I know is on my mind constantly. It's one of my drivers, but it also holds me back a lot.

I've tried really hard to help the closest people to me. Sometimes it's pulled me back, and other times it's helped really well. Even the times when I've lost a bit, I've ended up learning, and just look for the silver lining.

My vision/mission is to help more people by generating leads for their businesses.

When I'm able, I'd love to pay for the health insurance for family members and close friends. This would be gratefully received, and would make a world of difference.



With your skillset, you could maybe help your friends by generating leads for those who want to be gardeners, handymen, mechanics, etc. (I even got started in my current path by helping a friend in need - see this post.)

I like @ZCP's advice to make them the salesmen for you. That will certainly sort the talkers from the doers.


I'm a big big fan of a line I heard years back:

"The person who'll run with the ball is the person who catches it."

Just fire a hail-mary out there and see who catches it. That's the person who'll run with it, and it'll often surprise you who doesn't go for the ball, and who does.

 

[Supa]

So, something that may or may not apply to you because you don't really talk about how you grew up, is that nobody talks about class in America. Everyone calls themselves middle class. If you have a job you're middle class. If you own a business you are middle class. If you're a doctor, you're middle class. If you make a couple million a year, well then maybe MAYBE you're upper middle class.

Now, I don't know how you grew up. Perhaps you had professional parents, went to a top tier high school, and if that's the case this may not apply to you. But if you didn't, then you are now probably switching classes.

My father drove a truck. My mother worked in a factory, and once her wrists and hands couldn't take the work anymore, she got a job in a lawyer's office. They were both ex-Army.

I'm 34 and in the top 1% in household income (my wife stays at home though) and it is a weird thing to transition from a very working class / blue collar childhood (but my mom would have called us middle class, don't you know) to where I am now. You can feel like you're on an island at times.

I took a friend from high school to Vegas last year, paid for everything, and by the end it was awkward (100% from him, because I truly did not make a big deal out of paying for everything and was 100% happy to do so.) It honestly hadn't occurred to me that he would feel weird about it, which was very dumb in hindsight. Life is full of potential pitfalls like that now. Class is weird.

So think about all of that a little bit, and realize that may be part of what you are going through, and part of what you need to consider going forward. You are living your life, doing your best, and that is ok.

The first few years I was doing well, I thought a lot about how to help everyone I knew. I tried to show people what I was doing, and that they could do it too. Everyone who is successful in this forum will know what I am about to say: none were really interested, when it came down to it. There was never follow through.

I sold a piece of a business once, and bought five cars for people in my life who needed them. I am not sorry I did it, but I also am not sure it helped any of them much. I have spent many tens of thousands of dollars helping friends and family. I have tried giving friends and family jobs. I have tried doing partnerships. The only thing I don't regret is when I essentially handed over money with no strings, and only because that's the healthiest way to help others that I currently know of, with the life experience I have accumulated.

However, I do employ one family member now, and they work hard, and it is working well. So it's not impossible!

But I would say, in general, help where you can, for sure, because you need empathy and that's part of being fully human, but also learn ASAP that it's not your responsibility to take care of anyone else.

Finally, you don't have an infinite amount of time. Time spent on failed deals with friends, or wasted time spent on employees that turn out to be money losers is time that could have made you more money doing other things. I have only recently really internalized this, and it's a big one. It's easy, especially in your 20's, to think you have time to do 10 different deals and 20 different businesses and to coach people who don't really want to work hard into being good employees, but eventually you have to focus in on is your biggest ROI activity. There are so many ways to make money in this world, and they can all be attractive, but in the end some are going to have more potential than others.

Helping your friends with jobs or teaching them to do what you do might feel like the right thing to do, but honestly, probably not. Your old friends are all adults, and while everyone starts off with different advantages and disadvantages, they now have to play the cards they have been dealt. If one is a true go getter, and truly serious you will probably recognize it. A good tell is if they become obsessed with making money and building something - just like I am sure you have been obsessed. Most people don't have that.

Good luck, this is a really hard thing that isn't talked about enough.

Incredible post, can agree with it 100%, even if Im not where you at yet. My biggest respect therefor btw.

What I realized is that it is the best to just keep what you are doing to yourself and maybe a very tiny circle of people. Thats one reason why I started a progress thread on my business, I have to share it with someone if I am hyped or excited for something. So I just update the progress thread when exciting updates happened. Here on this forum you are under likeminded people, and most of them read TMF so you dont have to explain yourself all the time like you have to while talking about your ideas and plans with your family and friends..

So coming back to my point, why I like to keep those things (except for some people/this forum) to myself is that it can really take away the wind under your wings or your state of excitement that you had before telling your family/friends about how awesome this and that is that you just did with your business. Dont get me wrong there are people who will understand and support you, but I just gave up trying to explain what I wanna do to most of my family members and friends.

Like I stopped telling people that I plan on losing weight, it just discourages you if you dont lose weight fast and you told everybody that you will..

I just do what I do, I am very confident in my business and I want to create an awesome website that the users will love. What most people dont understand is, that the people you talk with dont see the things that you see and they dont feel the things like you feel them, you can compare it with telling someone at home from your vacation or talking with someone who was with you in your vactation about it. You cant explain it good enough to someone who wasnt with you that they feel it like they were with you.

Thats maybe one reason why they can take away your excitement, they CANT share your excitement cause they dont see and feel it like you do. And even worse they come at you with sentences like 'money doesnt grow on trees' or 'money doesnt make you happy' blabla all this bs that I cant hear anymore. Things like those can be bad for your motivation so be careful who you share your excitement with.

 

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[JustAskBenWhy]

I don't think it's necessarily healthy to think of people as wanting for you to fail. We are better off to understand the psychology behind this...

The law of relativity requires us to understand that everyone perceives everything relative to something else. You and your friends are on one playing field one day. And the next day - you are moving ahead. Relativity, however, causes your friends to perceive what is happening as them moving backwards more so than you moving ahead. Nobody likes to see themselves move backwards. There's no way that they think it's possible for them to regress - nothing's changed in their life - you must be the problem; you must be going astray! So - the natural reaction is for them to real you back into the fold...

Does this make them bad people? Not necessarily. Does it make them foolish and out of touch with realities of what it means to be alive, succeed, improve? Sure as hell! And relative to this, is the appropriate reaction from you one of contradiction or pity...I go with pity.

 

[Mattie]

I think it's noble to want to help your friends, but the majority of the time we all go our separate ways and move on with our lives. We all make different choices and have different interests. If you're lucky enough to stay friends with some for a life time, you've found a good friend, but most of the time after High School you lose connections. Helping friends can some times hold you back. There's a point where you may think your friends need you, but I suppose it's getting over the "I can save people." You really can't save them and you can't save the world. If you try you will be drained and exhausted, again if you're paying attention to what everyone else needs, wants, you're not focused on where you want to go.

There are friends that stay and friends that go on their way. Personally, I had to drop friends because they didn't have the same mindset and vision. And it is impossible to life yourself up higher if you're surrounding yourself with people who are doing the same stuff. You'll be pulled down and distracted. I still talk to some people once in awhile and respect them, but I don't try to help them unless they ask, and they don't usually want to hear what I have to say, because they are learning. Some of them are still in the same place as seven years ago. I could have wasted a lot of time trying to help them and save them, but frankly, I wouldn't be in this forum if I stayed at the same mindset as them.

 

[Michael W.]

I have some old friends that saw my success in real estate. They wanted to be part of it. I partnered with a couple of them on a few deals years ago.

On one deal we made an arrangement that we would all purchase and refurbish three properties (21 units) together. I put the deal together with absolutely no help from the other three. I then proceeded to make plans for the rehab which required an approval from the city. Again with no help.

After 5 trips to the city (a four hour drive for me) I was able to get the rehab plan started. I tried to divide up the responsibilities amongst the partners to get things done. When things did not move along, I took control of the entire project again. They did come up and help with pieces of the rehab but I did the brunt of the work.

When it was all completed, I worked with the agent to get the building sold. I also managed the property during the entire process for free because no one else was willing to do so.

When it was done, everyone made about 150% return on their money in less than a year. I heard many gripes about how we could/should have made more money but not a single "thanks". They wanted to know what deal we were going to do next. I suggested someone else for them to go to as I would no longer be taking on partners.

One of the partners took my advice and invested with the other group. He bailed out of that investment early and lost money as a result. He wanted me to give him the money that he lost.

I was no longer friends with any of that group after that.

All too familiar. My BFF and I are on year 5 of our company however it is time for me to bail. I doubt our relationship will ever recover. Nothing bad but sometimes seeing your bestie every day takes a toll.

 

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[marklov]

I bet that you will find that many of them will not be interested in hanging out with you as your success builds. They won't understand the language that you speak or the actions that you take.

I thought a lot about how to help everyone I knew. I tried to show people what I was doing, and that they could do it too. Everyone who is successful in this forum will know what I am about to say: none were really interested, when it came down to it. There was never follow through.

Helping your friends with jobs or teaching them to do what you do might feel like the right thing to do, but honestly, probably not. Your old friends are all adults, and while everyone starts off with different advantages and disadvantages, they now have to play the cards they have been dealt. If one is a true go getter, and truly serious you will probably recognize it. A good tell is if they become obsessed with making money and building something - just like I am sure you have been obsessed. Most people don't have that.

There's no way that they think it's possible for them to regress - nothing's changed in their life - you must be the problem; you must be going astray! So - the natural reaction is for them to real you back into the fold.

And here I thought I was crazy or had become a dbag....
Spent hours daily on skype giving advice to my friends on ideas they had,
even helped one start his graphics design business($$$/marketing) and here I am sitting
with not even one to proudly say, "Hey I helped that guy and he is doing well".

I have taken great care to keep those who are there for me
in mind and now I can continue to do exactly what's best for me with no regrets.

 

[Guest3722A]

From what I've seen, I'm thinking entrepreneurship has to be a desire within someone. It can't be forced but I believe it can be introduced to those who only believe in trading time for money. Some will accept it and some will reject it depending on who they currently are internally. People change though as their life experiences get shaped. But this is a process in itself.

An example I have of this is a while back I let an ex of mine read @MJ DeMarco 's book and it didn't end well because she was sold on the fact of how hard she worked for her degrees and fearful of business because her parents ended up failing in their home improvement company after many years of success. At the time she took some of the things MJ wrote to heart and felt insulted. She did have many negatives stacked against her though during this period, so her reaction I don't believe was just because of the book.

Recently we spoke again after about maybe a year and I come to find out that Shark Tank is her favorite show now and Kevin O'Leary is her favorite shark. She pointed out things he said about what he looks for and I was actually surprised. After hearing this I showed her my e-commerce sales from where I started to where I am now and she lit up and began asking questions. Seeing this, I decided to buy her a used copy of RDPD as I'm thinking it's more of a level 101 book and TMF is more advanced.

If she responds favorably, I'll get her a new copy of TMF - but on audio as that was the first question she had AFTER I ordered the RDPD!! lol & smh

 

[Ubermensch]

So much of my grinding has been done in isolation. My immediate family supports me but certain uncles and aunties keep discouraging me because they want me to take the traditional route.

Fortunately, things have been picking up, and things are much better than they have been in the past 3 years. I have an enterprise software startup that looks promising (timing wise) according to the industry experts, so now its a matter of getting a badass team, incorporating a great culture, and executing correctly. and on the side, I have a search engine marketing business hustle that is raking I some really good amount of money that might leave outsiders wondering why im pursuing the software business that hasn't exactly kicked off yet (but will once the MVP is done).

I have been isolated friends wise as well, cut everyone off from my old city, and have had trust issues to get real close with friends in the new city, unless its people I can relate to (hustle wise doing similar things--chasing dreams regardless of the path chosen whether its business or sports or music etc etc).

The thing is, when I left the old city, I had a group of friends from high school, that I don't get the chance to hang around much. In fact I haven't seen them since I left, but they have been the only people I contact from that city. I call these friends and we catch up like nothing, and most importantly, these guys are SUPPORTIVE. they are complete opposite from the "friends" from college that will talk behind my back, discourage me for whatever reasons, etc.

to put more context in, these friends are "hood", but they are loyal. they get irritated that I never come to visit, but never jealous of the things I tell them that im doing. and they believe and hope I can make it. I don't want to be a wolf reject and leave those guys hanging. I have developed a great deal of empathy despite all the trust issues I have and whatnot. as dreamers do often times-- gaze into the distant future, I am curious about how I can help out those friends. they are struggling everyday. they might have made dumb decisions in the past (ruining sports scholarships by being reckless) that made them resort to taking risky decisions such as drug dealing and whatnot, but they are good people at the core that are willing to learn and grow given a chance and some guidance.

any thoughts on this?

I will offer some honest words.

Don't use up your empathy on things that could otherwise be ignored.

Have you heard of the author Dr. HAHA Lung?

Check him out. Seriously.

Go to Barnes and Noble.

Grab a copy of Dr. HAHA Lung.

Develop your Mind-Sword.

Learn the Dr. HAHA Lung parable of "the last can of beans."

It goes like this (understand, I am typing from memory, so I am not exactly quoting from the book. Dr. HAHA Lung's ultimate purpose of the story is contained in bold...)...

Heh-heh-heh.

The Last Can of Beans

It is the end of the world.

Or, rather... the end as we now know it.

All-out chaos has broken loose.

A new species has evolved, and has taken over the planet.

Many humans are dead.

You and your family are hiding in a bunker beneath the surface. Although many humans have died, the smart ones, the capable ones, the ones who can think on their feet...

These guys and girls survive by occasionally going to the surface, and fending for the rest down in the bunker. Not all those in the bunker have the capability to survive on their own.

However, the smartest - and, in some cases, the fastest and the strongest - went to the surface, to fend for themselves.

These humans could interact with the New Species. In fact, the longer they did so, the longer they spent away from the inept humans beneath the surface... the more powerful they became.

Some of the surface survivable humans began to reason thusly: If we spend more time away from those beneath, the powerful we become. Logically, the conclusion is: You can help your friends, those who just can't keep up with you, better by being more powerful.

Dr. HAHA Lung puts it like this:

You're hiding underground. There is one can of beans left. Who do you give the can of beans to. Your wife? You son? Your little girl?

No.

You eat that can of beans yourself, and you go get more cans of beans.

How will you ever learn to fly if you have all that dead weight holding you down.

Love people from a distance.

Focus on money.

 

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[Ankerstein17]

Heres the bottom line, and the way I see it...

You can try to help people all you want, but if they are not willing to help them selves then you are waisting your time.

 

[OVOvince]

My plan was to never carry dead weight with me. I mentioned multiple times specifically on how I think my friends have massive talent and potential to put in work and have effective careers. I just wanted examples from people who may have been in this position and done something in regards to what I am talking about.