How do you stop self sabotaging for good?

[heavy_industry]

Hey @Fox

Have you implemented some new routine or have come to any conclusion on this matter?

I've been thinking about this topic for a long time, well before you've started this thread. And I believe that what @Kung Fu Steve said is very close to what is actually happening with us - with all people.

We just create the results we think we deserve.

We have a target set point that we will gravitate towards.

If we're not successful enough, we will work harder. If we overshoot and become too successful, we will "self-sabotage" to get back to the target set point.

I'm not sure how we can adjust this target point, but one thing is clear: although this behavior is very common for people, it's completely irrational and the target point has been chosen arbitrarily, mostly through what we've observed in others and what we've been told in the past, in terms of what we can and cannot achieve.

But if you were to think from first principles, there is nothing that's stopping you from 100x your revenue. And it's not working 100 times harder. Is just making brilliant decisions that would improve the efficiency of the system by a factor of 100.

 

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[WJK]

Hey @Fox

Have you implemented some new routine or have come to any conclusion on this matter?

I've been thinking about this topic for a long time, well before you've started this thread. And I believe that what @Kung Fu Steve said is very close to what is actually happening with us - with all people.

We just create the results we think we deserve.

We have a target set point that we will gravitate towards.

If we're not successful enough, we will work harder. If we overshoot and become too successful, we will "self-sabotage" to get back to the target set point.

I'm not sure how we can adjust this target point, but one thing is clear: although this behavior is very common for people, it's completely irrational and the target point has been chosen arbitrarily, mostly through what we've observed in others and what we've been told in the past, in terms of what we can and cannot achieve.

But if you were to think from first principles, there is nothing that's stopping you from 100x your revenue. And it's not working 100 times harder. Is just making brilliant decisions that would improve the efficiency of the system by a factor of 100.

You're right. We work and work and work. Then look up and find out that we're totally alone. We've left everyone way behind. Worse, they're mad as hell at us and talking all kinds of smack. They are brutal. It comes down to they're completely green with envy. They take on the job of bringing us back down to their level. Our success is unacceptable. Why? When they compare themselves, we make them look and feel bad. If we don't backtrack due to their mental assault, then their next step is for them to attribute our success to Lady Luck. It's not that we worked harder and smarter. Our success just fell on us so they don't have to feel bad. This is usually followed by them asking for some kind of handout -- their share of our success that they feel we owe them since they were there standing around once upon a time.

I've had this happen to me several times at different steps in my journey. At first, I was crushed. Then I understood that is a pattern. The basics are the same steps with different people in different settings. I've become very forgiving with the process because it is part of human nature and to be expected. You must let go of your current situation and create a new life each step of the way. In time, there are fewer and fewer people who are keeping pace with you.

We've all heard that it's lonely at the top. That's true. To counter that reality, I have learned to fly under the radar most of the time. I underplay my life so people underestimate me all the time. I've lived long so who am I gonna impress?

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

We just create the results we think we deserve.

We have a target set point that we will gravitate towards.

If we're not successful enough, we will work harder. If we overshoot and become too successful, we will "self-sabotage" to get back to the target set point.

Spot on!

Your beliefs, rules, values, and consistent emotional states create your identity. And there's nothing stronger in the human psyche than the need to align with who we think we are -- that "set point" you're referring to.

I'm not sure how we can adjust this target point, but one thing is clear: although this behavior is very common for people, it's completely irrational and the target point has been chosen arbitrarily, mostly through what we've observed in others and what we've been told in the past, in terms of what we can and cannot achieve.

But if you were to think from first principles, there is nothing that's stopping you from 100x your revenue. And it's not working 100 times harder. Is just making brilliant decisions that would improve the efficiency of the system by a factor of 100.

There are only two ways to change it: discipline or a significant emotional event.

Having just had a child -- that's surely a significant emotional event and what he thought were his rules, standards, values, have all changed. Probably not consciously, but I can guarantee you, they have...

Anybody COULD just force themselves to create a new habit and routine but it usually doesn't last. I have 2 black belts, built multiple businesses, I've done pretty well for myself -- I would NOT consider myself disciplined. Some days it's a STRUGGLE.

But what works 100% of the time is when something happens. A dramatic life event, you have a kid, you get married, you get divorced, you move cities or countries, you get fired, you get hurt or sick -- SOMETHING that pushes you over that "set point" line where you say "I've had it! Enough is enough!" and you never go back again.

(with the exception being if ANOTHER significant emotional event happens -- which it surely will -- and you revert back to your old beliefs, rules, and values because of an interpretation of events or experiences... but that's a much bigger conversation)

But sometimes for people a significant emotional event is just when you decide. I mean truly decide who you are, what you're going to do, and where you're going to go from here. A true decision, where you cut off any other option. You burn the boats. You move away from the family. You quit the job. You start the business. You actually GO for it.

THAT is how to change your internal set point, your internal thermostat, your internal pressure cooker -- whatever you want to call it!

 

[ZCP]

@Fox
Rob, I'm the self sabotage master. Know EXACTLY what you are saying .... here are some things I'm doing / was given by others .....

1. give yourself some credit
2. get clear on the outcome 10 years from today. what does it look like?
3. use the 'done for the day' list. what are the one or two things each day that would move the needle / make things happen / are so impactful, that if you complete them, you are DONE for the day and proud of what you did. identify them and get them done.
4. for all the other day to day stuff ... block schedule. if you are scheduled to do it, get it done. if a 'regular thing' like the gym, borrow @biophase 's thing ... you can skip one day, not two.
5. put 'rob' from 5 years ago on the screen next to 'rob' of today. no comparison, bro!!!!!!!! be proud of who and what you are
6. the base camp discussion .... Kevin Hwang talks about you have to prepare for the next climb. come back to base camp. rest. sharpen your spikes. repack the backpack. THAT is work too
7. @LightHouse once told me 'well, were you thinking about it during the time you weren't doing anything,right?' Because if 'yes', then you WERE working. give yourself some credit.

let's do a call @Fox !

 

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[Fox]

Hey folks, massively appreciate the replies and advice.

I just had a kid here the last few days so have been unable to take the time to make a full response.

I’ll comment in here soon, but this thread has helped a lot.

Also been reading a great new book by Dan Sullivan / Benjamin Hardy around 10x results. It covers a lot about self sabotage and some sections that are probably the best I’ve read on the topic.

I’ll update properly soon, thank you all.

 

[ZackerySprague]

@Fox

A book recommendation for you brotha man. The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest.

 

[Andy Black]

Now you're a dad and the provider for your own tribe Rob, some powerful lines from Craig Desorcey:

"Be the man you want your sons to grow up to be."

"If you don't figure it out you leave it to your kids to figure out."

 

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[ZackerySprague]

Everyone’s got this, let’s go !

 

[PapaGang]

You're right. We work and work and work. Then look up and find out that we're totally alone. We've left everyone way behind. Worse, they're mad as hell at us and talking all kinds of smack. They are brutal. It comes down to they're completely green with envy. They take on the job of bringing us back down to their level. Our success is unacceptable. Why? When they compare themselves, we make them look and feel bad. If we don't backtrack due to their mental assault, then their next step is for them to attribute our success to Lady Luck. It's not that we worked harder and smarter. Our success just fell on us so they don't have to feel bad. This is usually followed by them asking for some kind of handout -- their share of our success that they feel we owe them since they were there standing around once upon a time.

I've had this happen to me several times at different steps in my journey. At first, I was crushed. Then I understood that is a pattern. The basics are the same steps with different people in different settings. I've become very forgiving with the process because it is part of human nature and to be expected. You must let go of your current situation and create a new life each step of the way. In time, there are fewer and fewer people who are keeping pace with you.

We've all heard that it's lonely at the top. That's true. To counter that reality, I have learned to fly under the radar most of the time. I underplay my life so people underestimate me all the time. I've lived long so who am I gonna impress?

This reads like the beginning of an amazing book.

 

[PapaGang]

--
3. use the 'done for the day' list. what are the one or two things each day that would move the needle / make things happen / are so impactful, that if you complete them, you are DONE for the day and proud of what you did. identify them and get them done.

#3 is severely underrated. I've been caught shit talking myself only to look at my 'done for the day' list to see that I checked it all off. Being down on yourself can become a habitual thing. Looking at your accomplishments in black and white can re-frame your perceptions and silence The Heckler.

Having a written record of your activities is one of the great tools for self-evaluation.

 

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[WJK]

This reads like the beginning of an amazing book.

Thanks. I've thought about writing a book. I've just been using my time for other things -- like building businesses.

I am particularly interested in Lady Luck. When I was in business college for the first time, the other girls there made fun of me. We were all very young and away from home for the first time. They were "valley girls" who had daddies who were paying their bills. I was a poor country girl who started working when I was 11 years old -- an oddity in their world. I worked all the time and went to school while they partied. They told me that I needed to get a life. When I met some of them later while I was in my 40s, I had a successful career/business and I was doing wonderful. (And I had more college degrees on my walls.) Then they told me that I was just lucky. I was totally offended by that characterization. But I began to think about it. They were right. I realized that I have made a bunch of my own good luck. Now I consider myself to be one of the luckiest people on the planet. Some call it good karma. Some call it good luck.

Good things just fall on me. Sometimes I'm just standing in the right place, at the right time, with the right knowledge and education, and holding the right assets to take advantage of a windfall situation. People ask me how I do it. I explain that I try to make every place I go and everything I touch better than when I got there. I'm a giver, not a taker. I'm a worker, not a slacker. I share with the people around me rather than being greedy. It's against my belief system to intentionally hurt anyone or anything. I insist on win/win deals. I want people to walk away feeling good about me and their dealings with me. And I've had quite a little romance with Lady Luck. We respect each other. I'm always trying to up my odds to succeed. I play the game very thoughtfully and carefully.

Yes, I'd like to write a book about my journey. I just haven't taken the time to do that.

 

[WJK]

#3 is severely underrated. I've been caught shit talking myself only to look at my 'done for the day' list to see that I checked it all off. Being down on yourself can become a habitual thing. Looking at your accomplishments in black and white can re-frame your perceptions and silence The Heckler.

Having a written record of your activities is one of the great tools for self-evaluation.

I agree. I used to have NO sense of accomplishment. All I could see was the endless list of things to do. So, I changed how I schedule myself and I record my progress.

I start by writing down what I'm grateful for at the top of my daily schedule. Then I write down what inspires me for that day. Sometimes it's enough to just show up with my shoes on the correct feet! After that, I compose my daily list. I put about 2 or 3 things on my list that I must do and then I list all the other stuff that I want to get accomplished. I start with actually doing the must-do stuff. What I don't get done in the morning, I copy & paste down to my afternoon slot. Again, I do the must-do item first before I start on all the other stuff. If I step out and get the must-do stuff out of the way, I can always upgrade something else on that secondary list. At the end of each day, at the bottom of my schedule/to-do page, I write down the most important thing I did all day -- just one thing that I can hang my hat on.

I've started spending a lot more time at night planning my next day. I have my lists ready to go and I can hit the ground running when I have my morning construction meeting and then sit down at my desk. In the past, I would have considered planning time to be a total waste. Now it's essential.

I've also started a running ledger/timeline of events and accomplishments. Some months it is 2 or 3 items or benchmarks. When I feel down, I read through that list and I'm amazed at all the wars I have fought and all things I have gotten done. This is like watching kids or the grass grow. It's hard to see the progress when you are too close to the situation.

 

[AndreiR]

I can relate to this as I'm sure everyone else here can. For the longest time I thought it was a fear of success. After many times pondering this question, sometimes after meditating so as to have a clear mind, I realized I have never shied away from success or winning (I love it) - so there's no reason for me to think I have a fear of success.

However, I did realize I have a fear of hard work. I'm one of those smart kids that never had to work hard in school, even in advanced programs, and bad habits developed over time. I realize that I am now subconsciously worried about success because I'll be somewhat forced to work hard at all times (instead of only in periods) because I'll have many clients and employees relying on me.

What I'm working on now to reduce my self-sabotaging is getting used to and even loving periods of hard (truly hard) work. This is just something I realized in previous months. There's definitely more things I could be doing, but this realization was the most important step. Pick up a meditative habit perhaps?
---

Ya I had a solid mastermind for three years (met at the summit) and this did help to some degree.

But I think there is something deeper here which still needs to be addressed. Thanks for the input.

Usually, therapists tell us nothing new about ourselves. They just give us an excuse to look deeper than the surface answers we've conditioned ourselves to accept. In your case, if there was something deeper, what could it be?
---
Congrats on the little Fox!

 

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[PapaGang]

I've started spending a lot more time at night planning my next day.

At one point in life I was stuck on vacation mode and completely tuned out. I couldn't put a routine together to save my life. Then, I started planning for the next day on the night before. Pulled me out of a nosedive.
Very powerful.

 

[WJK]

At one point in life I was stuck on vacation mode and completely tuned out. I couldn't put a routine together to save my life. Then, I started planning for the next day on the night before. Pulled me out of a nosedive.
Very powerful.

I have always heard that work grows filling up all the time you give it. The operative thought there is that you are allocating that time. The reason that I plan my day the night before is that I can control how I use and limit my hours. Before I felt like I was working around the clock.

Also, I can quietly prioritize and sort through the different jobs and chores. I pick my top 2 or 3 must-do items. Then I can get all the stuff together and make notes of what I will need for each. Sometimes it's simply jotting down a phone number or email address. Other times I can make a plan that cuts the time factor for that item by half. I put all the stuff together ready to take to work tomorrow rather than trying to rely on my memory. I want to go to my office stress-free while being prepared for the day.