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How do you stop hating yourself?

Mattie

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?

First you have to have a good understanding of yourself.
Second you have to have a good understanding how the world operates.
Third you have to have a good understanding of what is in your control and what is out of your control.
Fourth you have to understand the cause and effect of action or non-action.

Hating yourself is self-criticism. Beating yourself up or what is not in your control besides what is in your control. You can hate yourself, but it really only brings you down in low arousal, causes depression, anxiety, and stress. This is a personal choice how you see events.

This also has to do with whether you have black and white thinking, catastrophe thinking, or even if your over thinking. You have to know the different ways you think and change your emotional patterns and thought patterns. You also have to be observant of your thoughts, your interactions with others, the cause and effect of your thinking patterns, and how they make you feel.

Managing thoughts and emotions or regulating them is a daily routine of finding what works for you. None of us can tell you what works for you.

You can use meditation, motivational videos, positive affirmations, reading different types of books on psychology, character development, and personality. There are countless courses, vlog's, blog's, and books out there.
 

LuckyPup

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?
My course has been very similar to yours, and I am also often filled with self-loathing. The only thing that helps me is taking daily action, and making incremental progress. When I focus on that - not on the grand vision in a distant rosy future or a dismal past full of f*ck ups - but on the small steps I need to take each day, only then do I feel like I've earned the right to be proud of myself. It's the only thing that raises my self-esteem.

I don't want to send you down a rabbit hole of distraction and action faking, and there's a whole world of books about self-esteem, etc., but Martin Meadows has a series of short books on this stuff. I like his books because they are quick reads that synthesize the good stuff that many other books bury in pages of fluff.

I realize self-help books aren't the answer - the solution has to come from within. However, sometimes they can be the shot in the arm you need to get going or change course. Hope this helps.
 
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LuckyPup

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?
I HIGHLY recommend watching this video where Dan Sullivan of the Strategic Coach explains how to avoid "the Gap."

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEoycpyyWP0
 

TinyOldLady

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Jogging! I'm so proud of myself after I was jogging for half an hour (no matter how many km), that I am not able to hate myself for the rest of the day (and the next day) ;)

Or you can try another good habit (start small) and do it every day. This way your brain will see, that you can rely on yourself. How could you hate somebody, who you can rely on? :)
 

Zen Focus

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I never liked myself for almost my entire life until this year.

This year's the first year where the miraculous thing happened where I looked at myself in the mirror, and can appreciate the person I'm looking at in the eye.

What changed?

I learned to take responsibility for myself and my consequences, without blame or expectations of anything else other than me.

Everything I get today, is because of me.


In other words, I cut blame and expectations out as much as I possibly can, and only focus on managing myself.

The world is large, there is a lot of space for others to be who and how they are.

Whatever consequences happen, acknowledge that it's your responsibility. You caused it.

For example:

If you didn't understand what I said here - it's not your fault, it's mine.

If you hate me, it's my fault.

If you dislike me, it's my fault.

If you don't love me, that's what I caused as well.

Instead of seeing what others did wrong, what is their fault, their weakness, what is not desirable with the situation -

One day, try, look inwards and think: "I just need to manage myself."

All the best.
 
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Lex DeVille

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Never hated myself. Never cared what other people thought about me or my progress. Always assumed I could do anything and that I was at the top of the food chain if I chose to be.

There was never a "right" way or a "best" way. There was only "the" way I did things and the results of those efforts. For me the options have always been:

A) Figure it out and do what I want
B) Don't figure it out and do what the world dictates

Sometimes A works out. Sometimes it doesn't. But that's the way I choose to go and if I ever choose B, so what. I still won't care what anyone thinks and won't hate myself.

A lion is a lion whether it's in the wild or a zoo. An antelope is an antelope and a sheep is a sheep and those things don't change.

A lion is a predator. It does what predators do without question. Antelopes do what antelopes have to do to survive. Which one are you? If you answer, "lion" then I guess we're done here.
 

StompingAcorns

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2. If I'm not happy, what is holding me in place?

To build on my last answer, I would say low confidence and 'not having cast the first stone' on my entrepreneurial path. I tend to be very binary, I am all in, or not in. I have to change this mindset, because I will need to gradually share time between entrepreneurship and work until I gain momentum. So part of it is a search for something that can be done with quality part time while still holding down my JOB. I don't want to start something and not give it the effort it needs to provide value to others.

1. I disagree. I've only skimmed some posts, but didn't you say you've been learning to code 5 hrs a day? You have cast many stones! Give yourself credit where credit is due.

2. Here's a challenge for you. (You don't have to post any of this.)
  • Right now, list your top 3 business ideas. Don't overthink it - best guess, what are the top 3.
  • Take 5 minutes per idea and jot down any and every action you can think of to get this business off the ground.
  • Take those lists and week 1, work on idea 1, week 2, work on idea 2, and week 3, work on idea 3. Set the coding aside. Dedicate all your focus to actually working on building these businesses.
Use that "go all in" in time increments. Go all in for a week. Then repeat twice. Then see what happens.
 

whiz

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I was pretty slammed from NYE party when I wrote that, so be happy I responded at all.

Another thread I'm never coming back to again

Good luck changing anything about your life with an attitude like that

A bunch of people here are trying to help your whiny a$$ and you can't even bother yourself to press the thanks button under the posts. People are posting paragraphs here and you just respond with 2-3 sentences of ME ME ME

You probably hate yourself because you're a self centered narcissist without an appreciation for reciprocation

Whatever

Less competition for people like me who actually do shit with their time instead of mope around on forums about hating themselves

Get help
 

Bryaninbangkok

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?

I won't repeat the other advice that's in this thread because its good, but I find any negative thoughts are usually good at pushing us and motivating us, its that anger/depression/anxiety that we need to take huge action and throw ourselves into the unknown, sometimes we need to wait for the pain to worsen before we take action, feel that pain, it's your fearless leader.
 

throttleforward

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Thanks for this, Lara.

I've tried journaling before and it feels a bit awkward, but I know others who have said it helps. I think part of the problem is living in DC, not exactly the epicenter of driven and creative minds. Edward Demming once said "A bad system will defeat a good person every time." Perhaps I need a new system / environment.
Several of us live in DC. I think there was a thread in the local meetup subgroup
 

SDE

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Are you hating yourself because you failed multiple times before?

Come on, Man. You know that's not the end.

Failure hurts and it hurts deep sometimes. But it also gives you the opportunity to examine what you did and what can be changed.

Next time when you fail, analyze the situation, adjust the course and move forward.

If you are stuck, come to the forum and post about it. Entrepreneurs who were in your place once and who are at the same level as you are now, will gonna help you out.

Like motivation, your self-esteem and confidence will increase when you take some action. Not the other way around.

Everything starts with the self.
 
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ds_groundupbiz

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Love yourself for everything you have done and accomplished in this world. You have serious potential and this is a great place to gather ideas and a plan of action.

Once you know what you want to try, you have to commit and stay consistent. Journal about how you feel and what would make you feel the feeling you desire.

Then plan on what are the critical actions you need to take to accomplish the feeling you desire & schedule them. You are on your path now, take some action today!
 
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Suzanne Bazemore

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?
Have you ever listened to this commencement speech by Steve Jobs? He talks about connecting the dots in your life.

How to live before you die

Also, there is another TED talk about Know Your Why (but there are a bunch of them, so I'd have to dig for the one I'm thinking of - let me know if you are interested.)

Just don't give up. Keep trying. Everyone falls on their face, until they don't.
 
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Suzanne Bazemore

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todonelist

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Do things that make you feel great inside. For me, it's keeping my word to myself. When I say I'm going to do something and don't do it, I feel shame and disappointment in myself. I feel like I'm creating a future I don't want but I get "duped" into listening to the negative thoughts that persuade me to go against my word. For example, you said you've tried writing in your journal(gratitude) before but how many days did you do it? At least 21 days in a row? Consistency is key with all things. The best book on Gratitude is The Magic by Rhonda Byrne. People give her and The Secret brand a lot of flack but The Magic has incredible content on the subject of gratitude and how to use it to improve your mood AND real-world results.
 

Chris25

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How you think about yourself is how you feel. If you're tired of feeling like this, create a new you!

Ask yourself these questions:
  • How do I want to feel every day?
  • What am I working towards?
  • What do I want to have?
  • What do I give to the world?
Sit back, close your eyes and concentrate. Think about and imagine each one of these topics (4x 10 minutes). Really try to get in tune with the feeling of the goal. Example: I am an accomplished and happy person. I am creating.... I have the freedom to...... I give people......

Write this down. Look at that list every day and try to recall the feeling and vision you set for yourself. Remember what you're working towards, then go and do the work until it all becomes a reality.
 
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ChrisV

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You might want to see someone professionally. None of us are technically qualified to give advice on this, and there may be alements of depression at play here. With self-esteem issues, there often are.
 
D

Deleted50669

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Why are you still working there? Also, if you meet resistance and that demotivates you, you need to find a new method. I wouldn't assume everything you are doing is the right approach. It might seems the best and most correct to you but clearly it isn't for your boss'es or the business. This is the same when you run your own company as well.



If you want your output directly tied to income and value production, then its time to get a sales job, seriously. You will never be in a 1:1 or 1:1+ output to money situation outside of sales. So if that is truly the reason you feed yourself, then step up and see what you can do.



Expectations will never be clear and you will be bombarded by new problems every day. Also, customers don't care about you or value your effort. They care only about what you can do for them, which is MUCH worse than working for a company. This is something a great dose of perspective can help you right now, while you shift gears.



The words you use here make it sound as though you are serving a duty. You have a choice to be working there or anywhere else. You can make the decision to change jobs or work somewhere else. You do not get to feel sorry for yourself here because it's your choice. If you aren't happy, what is holding you in place?



I don't think you have to be someone else for anyone. But I think you are very focused on the point and not the process. The reason I am focused on changing your perspective in your job, is because it's the best precursor you can get to running a company in your situation. You are having a hard time staying motivated there and need external factors to provide for you. Rather, you should be making that happen yourself. Stand up, take control back of your identity and make the changes in life that set you on the right path.

You have the right tool set from there to recognize an opportunity and capitalize on it when you see it, so give it some time and don't let that time fuel your disdain for not being there. Sometimes it takes a while.


My first business, i just bought equipment and started from absolute 0. I have no idea how i really even got into it, i just did.



So what changed? and what in your mind will let you see yourself for who you are again? Is the all american athlete really lost? Maybe you are just on the wrong path and forgot?

It sounds like it's time to change directions. That can be as easy or as difficult as you believe it will. Your beliefs here will become your reality. You could be headed in a whole new direction in weeks if you wanted too, you just need to make a choice and a decision.




You haven't been incapable, it sounds like the right opportunity isn't there yet. It will come, but are you even prepared and in the right mindset for it? It takes a lot of self motivation and resilience to not just start something, but keep it running and profitable after all the fun and easy stuff is done. If you had a business that was making $10M/year, would you had it over to yourself right now in the state you are in if everything was at stake? Would you look for someone that is hungry, ready, confident, and know without a doubt that they would crush it and do anything it takes to turn that $10m into $20m/yr?

I've taken a good bit of time to reflect on these, have come to and accepted some harsh truths. So I will contribute what I've come up with below.

1. Why am I still working there?

Fear. I had to drill down a while to come to this root cause. Fear is the anchor that sustains this bad commitment. But it isn't just any fear, it's a fear that has to do with adaptability. Above all else, the script neuters grown men. It strips them of their audacity and creativity and places life in the confines of a rigid hierarchy. Granted I am 27 and haven't really been in this game too long, I have been in long enough to recognize that I'm not as gritty or tolerant of anguish as I once was (for example, shoveling driveways and selling lemonade to pay for meals as a kid). I had more commitment and perseverance as a teenager than I do now. I do think that element of my being is intact, but it will take serious effort to revive it.

2. If I'm not happy, what is holding me in place?

To build on my last answer, I would say low confidence and 'not having cast the first stone' on my entrepreneurial path. I tend to be very binary, I am all in, or not in. I have to change this mindset, because I will need to gradually share time between entrepreneurship and work until I gain momentum. So part of it is a search for something that can be done with quality part time while still holding down my JOB. I don't want to start something and not give it the effort it needs to provide value to others.

3. So what changed? and what in your mind will let you see yourself for who you are again? Is the all american athlete really lost? Maybe you are just on the wrong path and forgot?

This one brought a lot of awareness. What changed is I stopped competing. Not just in an athletic sense, but in a life sense. I went for broke investing my identity in sports, and when my athletic career ended I more or less lost my sense of self (I seriously had to dwell on this for hours to come to this realization). I measured my own worth against my athletic performance. So I never actually replaced that measure with something else, and wound up coasting, aimlessly. I'm certainly on the wrong path, and I had forgotten (or never actually knew) where I should be going. I would say MJs book is when I knew that another path was needed.

Ultimately, the net effect of these reflections is an understanding that it's time to compete again. I have to find something that I can take pride in, and do it so well that the outcome matches the feeling that came from being an All-American.
 

whiz

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Full disclaimer: not a therapist

I did not like myself. Now I love myself like a son.

You need to come to terms with whatever is bothering you about yourself and you need to get past it. Forgive yourself and move on.

Then practice appreciation and reframe things in a positive way.

Appreciate where you're at now but strive for more. You will never get anywhere if you chose to beat yourself up.

If your fear is being mediocre, then stop being mediocre. Stop doing mediocre shit and thinking in a mediocre way. Its so easy to just roll over and let the waves of life dictate which direction you go in. There's nothing extraordinary about that.

You need to stop believing that you don't have control. A lot of people relinquish responsibility because it's the path of least resistance. You can't go wrong when nothing is your fault, you know? It's the worlds fault!

If I appear insensitive or ignorant, so be it. I'm just stating how I feel about shit, coming from a background of complete helplessness and mediocrity.

Be stoic and keep your chin up - even if your life "sucks", [chances are] it's nothing compared to the hardships some people have been through historically. Your ancestors have put in an enormous amount of sacrifice just for you to be here. So be strong and make incremental moves in a positive direction until they compound.

Everything is temporary, including life - don't waste it

And don't even talk about that suicide bullshit - you are doing everyone, including yourself, a disservice. The world doesn't need another one of these stories.

It needs more "used to hate myself, now I love myself" stories.

It needs more stories about someone talking about offing themselves on a forum but then going on to do huge shit in the world in a matter of years. That's a way cooler story.

Just make the choice to believe, and abandon your former identity - just let him go.

Your personality is just a reflection of the beliefs and ideas of all the people you've been exposed to throughout your life.

Here on FLF, you have the choice to subscribe to better quality ideas and outlooks than the ones you have been traditionally prescribed.

Make the conscious, responsible decision to choose love over fear.

There are two people in this world - people that believe they can do it, and people that believe they can't. They are both usually right.
 
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LightHouse

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whiz

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Said I wasn't coming back but I'm here because MJ responded and thread is notable now -

I apologize for calling you a self-centered narcissist

The responses just frustrated me

Everyone here wants to see everyone do good

I just felt like you weren't really understanding the responses or taking them in - you were just reading them and auto-sorting them in your brain as attacks or useless junk

When you finally allow yourself to love yourself, you're gonna to wish you did it sooner.

All this nonsense will be silly to you

Hope you find your peace
 
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D

Deleted50669

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I won't repeat the other advice that's in this thread because its good, but I find any negative thoughts are usually good at pushing us and motivating us, its that anger/depression/anxiety that we need to take huge action and throw ourselves into the unknown, sometimes we need to wait for the pain to worsen before we take action, feel that pain, it's your fearless leader.
Funny you mention that, since October I've used that pain to propel me into building an app. I was hoping this thread wouldn't resurrect, but it's all good.
 

oldboy

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Thanks for that advice. I will give that a try.
I am new here but i can confirm that what @StompingAcorns said. It is working and it is a validate method. While i was drug addict in my early years and i participate in a closed rehabilitation facilities we did therapy groups. One of the subject was that we couldn't stand our thoughts who keep on coming in our head when we see other junkies and raise the feeling inside us to inject our selfs once more. For example. i was having 2 years clean of drugs but while i was walking i saw a syringe right front me, the feeling to go find some heroine and make my head light again was raised in instance. My therapist told me...it was syringe fault for my thoughts? or mine because i let my self in those thoughts? Another user said that when she are near trees she remember how she hiding her cocaine in trees routes. So what? Are she going to blame all the trees she finds front of her for the rest of her life? Yes you can redirect your thoughts in something that you find that helps you, you can create new memories and actually go out and make new memories. By creating new memories you can redirect your thoughts in something beautiful. When my mom told me what her favorite flower was, anytime i see that flower or any flower i choose to remember her. Now i see a syringe and i choose to think how i used to feed a kitten, not what i did as a stupid young boy. I used that method, i am still doing it and im 14 years off to drugs while all my past friends are dead or near to death. I hope you understand. I know that my English is horrible but i went only two years in English lessons, i have learned English only from movies subtitles and music through years. You will find the way to lift your spirits. :)
 
D

Deleted50669

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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0030HKYUG/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20
(There are free PDFs online)

I like what this book preaches: Maintain both a positive mental attitude as well as a piece of "inspirational dissatisfaction"

Also read the success stories here. A bunch have periods of failure.

Also, I read recently (I think from a post here) that the average self-made millionaire didn't achieve that status until reaching their 40's. Point being it takes a lot of work, failure, and time for most self-made millionaires to make it. Don't give up!

That's a good point about the average age of self-made millionaires. Not to sound condescending, but I think my goal is different than being a self-made millionaire. My goal is to own my time and no longer depend on a corporate shell to create value for others. In my mind it shouldn't take this long, but my approach has been ineffective. Must keep going, though. Thanks for sharing that.
 
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D

Deleted50669

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"How do you stop hating yourself?"

I've found that you cannot stop thoughts. You can only redirect them. So prepare some mental constructs ahead of time - identify some things that, when you think about them, you feel really good. It could be a memory, a future goal, a beautiful place, whatever. When you find yourself thinking any negative thought (why can't I succeed, I'm a failure, I must be stupid, I'm too impatient, I'm out of time, I'll never make it, etc.) simply redirect your attention to those good-feeling thoughts you prepared. Immerse yourself in the thought/image/movie (see it, feel it, smell it, taste it, etc.) and let it shift your emotions. Once you do that, it will be easier to take the next step - positive action in the direction you desire.

Thanks for that advice. I will give that a try.
 
D

Deleted50669

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You might want to see someone professionally. None of us are technically qualified to give advice on this, and there may be alements of depression at play here. With self-esteem issues, there often are.
And yet, plenty of people have offered very helpful advice. You're in no position to diagnose whether someone needs professional help over a forum dude.
 

Tanu1234

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I am at a point where I despise myself for still being a slave. I've been trying for multiple years to figure out how to solve real problems and start a business, and I've only fallen flat on my face.

How do people maintain self-esteem? How do you dust yourself off and regain confidence?

When you stop define you from success, relationship, social status, wealth, you start loving yourself as you are.

Socia media is number one reason make you hate yourself. Avoid social media or reduce time on social media. I only use Socia media for business purpose. Never post anything nor watch friend feeds. I know everyone is faking.

Noone is perfect and no one has perfect life.

One good book to self esteem. Must read
self esteem

Fanning Patrick

I read it and it really helped me.
 

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