How do you feel about people who only talk to you when they need help with something?

[MVProduct]

There are individuals in my social circle who never talk to me on a personal level nor do they bother to invite me out to any of their events or social gatherings. And then- whenever they need help with something, that's only when they contact me through Facebook or texting. And they don't even ask how I'm doing either. As soon as I give them help or provide them with an answer- that's when the conversation ends. I try to follow up with a "So how've you been doing?" or something of that sort, but it usually doesn't end up going anywhere because their intention, really, was to just get out an answer from me.

I don't know about you guys, but I have the utmost respect for people who actually ask me how I feel or how I've been doing. People who genuinely show interest in me instead of simply using my knowledge and resources to help themselves. I feel like I've been treated like a "question-and-answer" machine.

Does this ever happen to any of you? How do you deal with people who just ask for your help but never really bothered getting to know you?

 

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[Bigguns50]

I feel like I've been treated like a "question-and-answer" machine.

Sounds like you're good at giving advice and helping people. Sounds like....opportunity.

For those who are only interested in getting something from you....ask them for something in return. Money for your time and expertise.

 

[MVProduct]

Sounds like you're good at giving advice and helping people. Sounds like....opportunity.

For those who are only interested in getting something from you....ask them for something in return. Money for your time and expertise.

Hi,

I don't quite see much of a 'scalable' opportunity in helping people out one-by-one in that aspect. That'd be delving into the consulting industry I'm guessing- which TBH isn't a really viable business model.

I can't exactly ask them for money- they're considered friends and acquaintances, more or less.

Thanks a lot for you input though.

 

[AllenCrawley]

I've actually been through similar situations. It's frustrating. Maybe continue as normal If you enjoy helping people out and you get a sense of whole ness from it. If this is the case, that's what you're getting in return, satisfaction from helping others.

If the feelings of being taken advantage of outweigh the euphoria of giving quality advice that others find valuable then you'll want to maybe cut off those relationships.

 

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[smarty]

Nobody will say or do anything to you, that you don't invite them to.

That means if they can get whatever they want from you, anytime they need it, why would they stop asking again?
If you help somebody and then you feel like shit for not being appreciated, it's not their fault, it's your fault.

It means you need them more than they need you.
You help them because you need the validation that you are smart and valuable to them.
And when you don't get that validation (appreciation) you feel disappointed and used.

You ultimately are making a transaction: I will help you => you validate me in which you seem to be loosing most of the time.

If you don't like their behavior (no matter if they are friends or family) you have a few choices:
1) be honest and tell them that you would appreciate at least a "thank you" (recommended).
2) ignore their request and give them an excuse that you're busy. If you do this 2-3 times, they will probably stop asking.
3) tell them you don't like doing that stuff anymore so you won't be giving advice on that.
4) provoke them with an unexpected question/reaction which clearly suggests that you don't like being the "help provider" (this is called a pattern interruption).
Example: a girl friend of mine very often used to seek advice from me regarding fixing computers, writing software code for a project her boss had given her etc. It started to form a pattern of me being the "solution guy" for all her work issues which I didn't like obviously.
So one day she writes me: hey, my boss wanted some change on that program you built, will you help me?
Me: well, so when are we gonna have sex then?
She: Lol, you're crazy.
Me: You're right, I'm crazy busy, so not today.

I made it clear that I have stuff to do and I'm not the "solution guy".
Similarly to this, I did in many other cases with friends and family.
They almost never contact me for that matter again. And they respect me more now.

You are not responsible to fix people's problems if you don't want to.

It's your responsibility, not theirs, so stop complaining about that and playing the victim of being used.
If you feel used by your "friends", then they are not your friends, they are your energy suckers and you are allowing it to happen. Get rid of energy vampires

 

[jon.a]

I am that guy.
I do it right here, however...
I do it rarely. Once or twice a year.
I do it specifically. I only ask of something the person might have unique knowledge of, like a personal recommendation about someone else.
I do it respectfully. I don't ask questions that are none of my business. I actually had a member here ask me how much money I make.
I do it as a last resort. I do my research before reaching out.

 

[Bigguns50]

I've actually been through similar situations. It's frustrating. Maybe continue as normal If you enjoy helping people out and you get a sense of whole ness from it. If this is the case, that's what you're getting in return, satisfaction from helping others.
If the feelings of being taken advantage of outweigh the euphoria of giving quality advice that others find valuable then you'll want to maybe cut off those relationships.

^^ Perfect

 

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[FionaS]

Most my friends in high school and college? Yes, that's them. Needless to say, I don't talk to them much.

I used to help everyone. Go out of my way to do things for them. But, afterwards, they wouldn't talk to me again until they needed something. Or we'd make plans and then they'd stop answering their phones and avoid me.

They burned those bridges pretty quickly, and now I'm a lot more cautious than I used to be and, as a result, making friends tends to be a little more difficult.

I enjoy helping people who make a point to talk to me, hang out with me, and who I like being around. I'll go to the end of the world for my close friends. The people that only contact me when they need something generally learn pretty quickly that I don't work that way anymore.

I was pretty lonely there for a bit, but then again, going from school to the real world is a pretty big transition, and they were all making new friends while I was stuck at home with two toddlers. I'm just now starting to meet some other people again, but I can tell you now that those relationships have been a lot more meaningful so far.

 

[Mexidan]

I´m a low maintenance friend.. if someone needs my help I´ll help. However, if I need someone´s help I´m very aware of this concept and would never reach out to someone who I´ve lost contact with.

 

[Formless]

+Rep @smarty

 

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[smarty]

They burned those bridges pretty quickly, and now I'm a lot more cautious than I used to be and, as a result, making friends tends to be a little more difficult.

While gaining experience, the human animal accumulates and re-generates emotional pain based on the past, which the animal does not - Barry Long (in "How to live joyously").

In other words, you may be ripping off yourself from new opportunities and experiences by holding back on that emotional pain from the past

 

[FionaS]

While gaining experience, the human animal accumulates and re-generates emotional pain based on the past, which the animal does not - Barry Long (in "How to live joyously").

In other words, you may be ripping off yourself from new opportunities and experiences by holding back on that emotional pain from the past

I know, and it's something I work on all the time. It is harder to make friends, but the pain is, at the same time, still pretty fresh - I only graduated university a couple years ago. I do a little better all the time. I've found that Stoicism helps me a lot in looking at things objectively, so I'm in a much better place than I was a year ago.

At the same time, I also know what signs to look for - people who want a genuine relationship give off very different signs than ones that just want something from you, for example. So I am able to analyze situations a lot more effectively. I am also not as naive as I used to be, which is most definitely a good thing.