How Do You Develop a Thick Skin?

[GoldenEggs]

Logically, I know that you can not please everyone all the time and that sometimes, people are just jerks. I know that I have a tendency to take things personally. The one phrase I hate is, "it's just business." The sad thing is that I hear this phrase often from people with whom I felt I had a closer relationship. But my feelings are not limited to my own ventures. I have felt this way, even when I was working at my previous jobs, from the concession stand cashier job to paralegal. I feel that I work for the benefit of everyone involved and I have always taken steps to correct any of my mistakes. I try to ignore the noise of emotion and respond to the real issue at hand. But some people are just jerks!

I don't show my emotion to other people, only to my husband. Things are much harder for me right now because I am also going through some personal issues. So how do you develop a thick skin?

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[australianinvestor]

Practice, and rational thinking.

Doing it often helps you get used to it and overcome the discomfort, and knowing that it's not your job to make every single person happy certainly helps as well. If them not getting what they want makes you unhappy, take a step back and analyse your thoughts to see what's going on. Often, it's not you personally that the crap is directed at. It might be a bad day they are having, they're frustrated at the the way your business systems work, or whatever.

Remember, you are in business to improve your life, not your customer's, despite all the cutesy little mission statements companies seem to have about existing soley to please everyone.

Each customer is an investment of capital, time, and effort. If their lifetime value to your business is less than what they cost you, I'd fire them without delay.

That said, try to help them as much as you can, as long as it makes good business sense to do so.



Daniel.

 

[biophase]

I hate to say it this way, but the easiest way is to not care. If you don't care about a person's opinion or a person at all, then anything they say doesn't really mean anything to you.

Some bum on the street calls you a loser cause you didn't give him change. Does that really hurt your feelings? Alot of it is also inner confidence and some internal cockiness. Evaluate who the person is who is being mean, then think about if its worth it to fire back, let it slide. You'll learn to let most things slide cause its not worth your time to even respond.
Of course, sometimes you have to fire back and let them have it! :frocket:

If it's coming from people you care about then its an issue. It's not a thick skin issue cause these people's opinions and feelings matter. It's more of a friendship/business issue.

 

[Runum]

I am not trying to be sexist here but the only 3 response here are from guys. You probably need to hear from ladies on this. From my experience(marriage and teaching), ladies seem to personalize disagreements. I had to get my wife to understand. I can be mad about a situation but not mad at her. It doesn't mean anything other than I have to have time to get over it or fix the problem. She used to really get her feelings hurt. After 23 years she has finally got it.

People will be jerks or be mad but that is no reflection on you. You did your best and the rest is up to them. Good luck.:cheers:

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[White8]

It's taken time but I have come to the realization that for the most part, to most people I am nothing more than a means to an end and I have started to look at most other people in the same way. If you can see most people as what I call situational friends, such as people from work, as opposed to the friends you would invite to dinner it's much easier to deal with being thrown to the sidelines when they no longer need you.

 

[yveskleinsky]

Logically, I know that you can not please everyone all the time and that sometimes, people are just jerks. I know that I have a tendency to take things personally. The one phrase I hate is, "it's just business." The sad thing is that I hear this phrase often from people with whom I felt I had a closer relationship. So how do you develop a thick skin?

Well, you felt that you had a closer relationship. They didn't. Kinda painful to hear, but true. You have to understand that there are different expectations and limitations to a business relationship v. a personal relationship. I also struggle with this, as I tend to blur my boundaries when it comes to business relationships; I tend to have people over for dinner, take phone calls late at night, listen to people complain, etc. Of course, if things go sour, then I get hurt as I do tend to consider people as friends first and business associates/customers second. I've learned if I am going to be successful in business, I need to find that line and hold it. I can still have people over for dinner or take late phone calls, but I need to not let things get personal. The more you take things to a personal level, (sharing personal problems, etc.) the more your associate/client may question your ability to do the job. I think it was Dale Carnegie who said, "Be friendly but not familiar." Good advice.

From my experience(marriage and teaching), ladies seem to personalize disagreements. I had to get my wife to understand. I can be mad about a situation but not mad at her. It doesn't mean anything other than I have to have time to get over it or fix the problem.
People will be jerks or be mad but that is no reflection on you. You did your best and the rest is up to them. Good luck.:cheers:

As a general statement, yes, I think women do tend to personalize disagreements. What I ended up doing with our cabin rentals is letting people know that I was the manager and not the owner. Doing so gave me some distance between their problems and how I needed to handle them.

...Figure out a comfortable boundary for you and then make that your line in the sand.

 

[Diane Kennedy]

Logically, I know that you can not please everyone all the time and that sometimes, people are just jerks. I know that I have a tendency to take things personally. The one phrase I hate is, "it's just business." The sad thing is that I hear this phrase often from people with whom I felt I had a closer relationship. But my feelings are not limited to my own ventures. I have felt this way, even when I was working at my previous jobs, from the concession stand cashier job to paralegal. I feel that I work for the benefit of everyone involved and I have always taken steps to correct any of my mistakes. I try to ignore the noise of emotion and respond to the real issue at hand. But some people are just jerks!

I don't show my emotion to other people, only to my husband. Things are much harder for me right now because I am also going through some personal issues. So how do you develop a thick skin?

GoldenEggs, I hear you. I've been in business for 25 years now...and I do NOT have a thick skin. Over time, it gets easier.

I don't try to change me as much as I change my circumstances. I started my own business so I could control who I work with. I have been known to fire clients because they're rude (actually still do that). I don't go into business with people who have values I don't like. In general, I live in this rarefied world of my own choosing.

I love old movies and one of my favorite lines in one of my favorite westerns (Silverado) is "The world is what you make of it, my friend." That's the line I live by.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Diane Kennedy]

Oh, and one more thing - here's a line that a friend sent me last week. I think it started originally from Dan Kennedy.

People have too high a tolerance for dysfunctional people, disruptions and piles of dung flung at them.

No kidding. If I'm having trouble with someone, chances are it's because they are either dysfunctional, a disruption or a big pile of dung. Either way, I have a much bigger purpose that I want to accomplish. I dishonor my purpose when I tolerate that kind of garbage.

 

[SteveO]

Difficult people are just a fact of life. Sometimes you don't know what kind of personalities they have until you are already in the middle of a situation with them. Push onward and upward toward your goal. Quit doing business with them when you get to a point that allows it.

Sometimes it is better to just figure out how to work with some of them. Especially if they bring something to the table that you need.

There is an agent that I work with that has the absolute most abrasive personality that I have ever witnessed. He is degrading and flat out mean to people. But, he was not tolerant of mistakes, misteps, and other bullshit that people try to pull during a transaction. I appreciated these traits and felt that both the buyer and seller of a transaction was getting good representation. I learned that if I raise myself to his intensity level and fired back, he would back off and apologize.

I still work with this guy. He does the majority of the deals in his area.

 

[rxcknrxll]

"Secrets of great rainmakers" has a chapter called "relationships are bunk". It's apt. Relationships are overrated...when it comes to sales and business.

May sound funny, but I am absolutely, totally sold on training yourself physically. Lifting heavy weights makes you a tougher person mentally, as well as physically. The body is tied intimately to the mind.

Australianinvestor is dead on by saying "practice" as well. That's not enough though. Some people get a lot of exposure to obstacles like this, and the result is that they simply get beat down. Your practice has to be skilled. Practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.

I also like the comments about choosing who you work with. In a lot of circumstances, you can save yourself a lot of grief by simply not working with someone who does not fit your criteria. Saying "NO" is one of the biggest, most overlooked money makers.

Think about it, one of the main reasons you're hurt when someone you have a "friendship" with doesn't buy from you is because you wanted something out of them, and a significant piece of your "relationship" was based on that expectation. Otherwise, you wouldn't care. Take this for what it is, develop a way of qualifying who you work with and who you become "friends" with. There is indeed a connection between relationships and production, but it is loose and nebulous at best. At the end of the day, you need to work with the right people for the right reasons, and you need to do so effectively. Even then you're going to come across an a$$ now and then, but your efforts will be much more targeted.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[AroundTheWorld]

Difficult people are just a fact of life. Sometimes you don't know what kind of personalities they have until you are already in the middle of a situation with them. Push onward and upward toward your goal. Quit doing business with them when you get to a point that allows it.

Isn't that true? Money issues - - - especially in tough situations sure seem to bring out the alter personality in people. Sometimes it can take you by surprise.... you see a side of someone that you never expected to see.

Golden,

This is something I really struggle with too. It is a work in progress, but here are some of the things I have come to realize (or perhaps, internalize):

• Their behavior is a reflection of them, not me.
• I need to recognize my role in the situation (I gave them permission to exist in the relationship in this way)

I've enjoyed the input of other's on this thread too. Good discussion.

 

[rxcknrxll]

Isn't that true? Money issues - - - especially in tough situations sure seem to bring out the alter personality in people. Sometimes it can take you by surprise.... you see a side of someone that you never expected to see.

Golden,

This is something I really struggle with too. It is a work in progress, but here are some of the things I have come to realize (or perhaps, internalize):

• Their behavior is a reflection of them, not me.
• I need to recognize my role in the situation (I gave them permission to exist in the relationship in this way)

I've enjoyed the input of other's on this thread too. Good discussion.

very well put.

 

[GoldenEggs]

Rep++ to everyone. Thank you all for your advice.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[AroundTheWorld]

I went on a rant (was taking things personally) a while back and got some EXCELLENT replies...

http://www.thefastlanetomillions.com/showthread.php?t=5658

 

[Rawr]

To the original question:

I read this somewhere, don't remember where now:

"I asked a tough man what I had to do to become like him. His reply was - look people in the eye and tell them the truth no matter what it is."

I would add realizing that rejection is a HUGE part of life and then going for it as another good tip

 

[M&T]

If you go through enough BS you will develope the thick skin over time. Being in business has a way of hardening you.You deal with more crap. Then some more crap and finally a little bit more crap. Finally you realize;all the stuff I've gone through with people made me tougher!
M&T...

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[rxcknrxll]

If you go through enough BS you will develope the thick skin over time. Being in business has a way of hardening you.You deal with more crap. Then some more crap and finally a little bit more crap. Finally you realize;all the stuff I've gone through with people made me tougher!
M&T...

I was having dinner with some friends in a couple months ago. I happened to mention a lawsuit that had been filed against me for some stupid reason (not going into it here, but it was a complete waste of time...expensive time), and we ended up finding out that everyone at the table had been sued. What's more, everyone had had to deal with a LOT of the same bullshit. We came up with a theory that if you do business on a certain level that:

1. There are going to be people who just plain don't like you. Maybe even people who hate you...people who don't even necessarily know you.
2. You will most likely get sued at some point. Maybe several times.
3. You will DEFINITELY have to deal with more crap than someone working a job. A lot more.
4. Success comes at a price. Period.

That's how you develop a thick skin. Build a successful business. Thick skin is one of the prerequisites.

 

[M&T]

I agree totally!Funny too, I was and am involved in lawsuits.Rxcknrxll has a good point.When you get to a certain level you can almost expect to have these problems.It's all part of the game, might as well prepare for it now.
M&T...

 

[Diane Kennedy]

I was having dinner with some friends in a couple months ago. I happened to mention a lawsuit that had been filed against me for some stupid reason (not going into it here, but it was a complete waste of time...expensive time), and we ended up finding out that everyone at the table had been sued. What's more, everyone had had to deal with a LOT of the same bullshit. We came up with a theory that if you do business on a certain level that:

1. There are going to be people who just plain don't like you. Maybe even people who hate you...people who don't even necessarily know you.
2. You will most likely get sued at some point. Maybe several times.
3. You will DEFINITELY have to deal with more crap than someone working a job. A lot more.
4. Success comes at a price. Period.

That's how you develop a thick skin. Build a successful business. Thick skin is one of the prerequisites.

Count me in the "I've been in a lawsuit" crowd. It still astonishes me because I have been the person who just bends over backwards to make sure everybody is okay with the result of whatever, even if it means not being fair to me. I think there are people who see your success as their failure and want to bring you down.

I also have people who don't like me. I should restate it: People who HATE me with every core fiber of their being. Again, I'm a nice person and I'm astonished when I get that reaction. I just distance myself from them.

My fame has always been pretty minor league, but when I was doing a lot of speaking, I would get recognized more often. I've had couple of cases of really creepy people following me back to my hotel and somehow getting on to my floor. I've had to call security before to get rid of someone who wouldn't leave. By far, that was the most disturbing part of all of this.

One time in San Francisco, a guy came up to me after my talk (there were about 400 people probably) and said some really disturbing things to me - personal and violent. His eyes were "dead." That description has perhaps been overdone in TV drama shows, but it is accurate. I was in a room with a lot of other people, but they were all off to one side. He and I were by a door apart from everyone else and my first thought was, "He's going to kill me." Another person who does a lot of presenting was in the room and saw what was going on. I was just frozen. She came up and grabbed my arm and pulled me away just talking about other things. We went up to a couple of people that she knew and I had 3 escorts to my hotel room. Nothing more happened, but it terrified me.

In comparison to that, getting someone mad at me or hurting my feelings is minor. Geez, I had completely forgotten about that incident until right now but it's the main reason why I don't speak at other people's events anymore. I want to control the room and know exactly who is there and how I can get out if I need to.

Bottomline, fame has a price. Success has a price. Your life changes and people around you change in reaction to that. And there are some unhappy scary people out there.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[AroundTheWorld]

Wow Diane.... that is horrible.

It kinda goes back to the entitlement thing.

Some people "hate" the rich (or perceived rich) and feel they are entitled to a piece of it.
If they don't get a piece of it, they decide instead to be angry (jealous?) at people that have more than they do.

 

[rxcknrxll]

Wow Diane.... that is horrible.

It kinda goes back to the entitlement thing.

Some people "hate" the rich (or perceived rich)

That's exactly it...it's about the perception of wealth AND the perception of what wealth means. It's the misunderstanding of what wealth is and what money is that causes a lot of the problems. Diane, I used to do sales training, and I've done some speaking...I've never experienced anything like what you describe, but I have indeed experienced both admiration and animosity from strangers. It's interesting how that happens on all levels. I can't even imagine the kind of stalker issues an actual famous person has to deal with. For me, my intention is toward building a business that does not have my name or face attached to it. Of course on some level it's impossible to be completely anonymous but it seems to me that steps can be taken.

I remember coming across the phrase "make money in the shadows" or something to that effect. The idea is that the real money is in the back end stuff, not the part the public sees. In other words, be the record company...not the rock star.

On kind of a side note: Diane, I am a fan of yours for sure (no stalker implications intended *winks*) because you've taken a career that's typically an "S" operation and made a real business out of it. That's smart. The RE brokers I hang with work the same. They build teams and run their business like a business. I know one guy that took almost 20 weeks off last year. He made just as much money while he was traveling as when he was working. That's a real business. That's the kind of thing I'm going for. I want to make millions, but I could care less if anyone knows who I am. The more famous you are, the more issues will come your way.

 

[rxcknrxll]

I agree totally!Funny too, I was and am involved in lawsuits.Rxcknrxll has a good point.When you get to a certain level you can almost expect to have these problems.It's all part of the game, might as well prepare for it now.
M&T...

It's really hard not to take it personally and not get stressed out about it. The first time I got a letter of demand, I was really upset. I didn't have a company, everything was in my own name. As depositions approached I had visions of losing my home...all over some schmuck who thought I had deep pockets. Nightmare. It's really taught me that any endeavor needs to be built properly.

In other words, if it's not worth researching, writing a real business plan, forming a proper and legal company, consulting and getting criticism from your attorney and cpa, etc...then it's not worth doing at all. Seriously, snags will occur, and if you're not set up to deal with these things (like lawsuits) then it just might wreck your business before you even have a chance to make headway. Don't think "I'll get around to all that legal stuff when I have time". Do it now. Build a real business or don't even bother. It comes with success...and if you're not planning for the bullshit, you're not planning for success.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.