How do i find friends?

[BellaPippin]

You are not socially retarded! You might be introverted, shy, or both (they are NOT the same thing!)

As an introverted person (but not shy) I do pretty well socially but it drains all the energy from me. After a while I need to retreat to be by myself. And there is no shortage of introverts, we're everywhere we just don't like small talk either so you see how it's not very conductive to start relationships. You can't just walk up to someone and be like "the 9-5 is a lie!!!"

My advice: take up a class/activity of something you enjoy AND where the people attending are always the same (so like, not a gym class where every day someone different comes). But a X-week course of something of your interest. Or volunteering where everyone signed up is the same for a while. Or a meetup for (example) D&D where the same people always go play.

The way you make friends is by means of seeing the same people (people you click with) regularly. Rapport/bonding with someone takes time. Like the Fox in The Little Prince. I met my best friend when I worked at the bank, we were both tellers. We worked together for a year and forever kept in touch. She's my all. But have I just come across her at a networking event we probably would not have built enough rapport to keep in touch and see each other again. Building friendships isn't like dating.

 

[Jan_K]

I don't believe you're socially retarded, for what it's worth: the people with fewer friends then what it considered "normal" usually are the ones that are much smarter and turn out much more succesfull.

Don't change because you desperately want friends, if people don't like you for what you are: screw them!

 

[Kruiser]

Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.

This could be a clue to the problem. Your focus is off. Don't ask "why doesn't anyone send me a message, invite me out, or ask what's up?". Ask "how many times do I send someone a message, invite someone out, or ask someone what's up?"

If you would have a friend, be a friend.

 

[Pink Sheep]

The title may be weird to some.

The mainstream culture is so far from what I believe, that I find it hard to relate to any other people I meet.
Sometimes i feel like im an autist with no ability to connect.

Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.
To be fair im not a social person by nature, I find it hard to drive a conversation, and I dont like small-talk.

Am I just socially retarded, or is there a trick to finding people I can relate with?
This forum is great, but while the discussions are amazing, it hasnt gotten me any close connections.

 

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[Brewmacker]

The title may be weird to some.

The mainstream culture is so far from what I believe, that I find it hard to relate to any other people I meet.
Sometimes i feel like im an autist with no ability to connect.

Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.
To be fair im not a social person by nature, I find it hard to drive a conversation, and I dont like small-talk.

Am I just socially retarded, or is there a trick to finding people I can relate with?
This forum is great, but while the discussions are amazing, it hasnt gotten me any close connections.

I would start by not calling myself "creep"to begin with. It is a pretty negative self image. Are you quite a negative person in general? Maybe finding someone to talk to professionally might help you with your sticking points.
Alternatively get new friends by going out in the world sharing your time with other people in what ever you find interesting or in ways that help other people. Do not look for something in return, just be there and invest your time when people see you have no agenda maybe they will open up to you.

 

[babyballer]

The title may be weird to some.

The mainstream culture is so far from what I believe, that I find it hard to relate to any other people I meet.
Sometimes i feel like im an autist with no ability to connect.

Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.
To be fair im not a social person by nature, I find it hard to drive a conversation, and I dont like small-talk.

Am I just socially retarded, or is there a trick to finding people I can relate with?
This forum is great, but while the discussions are amazing, it hasnt gotten me any close connections.

If no one invites you out, your social skill is not up there. Or you simply just have shitty friends.

 

[Tiago]

1. Make up a list of criteria that are your filter for which kind of people you want in your life (ambitious, fun, giving etc...)

2. Find 2-3 in your area that might fit these criteria. Facebook, referrals, etc...

3. Organize dinner parties at your home or at a restaurant.

4. Get referrals from those first people who went to the dinner.

5. Rinse and repeat.

6. Opportunities will start following.

After my first dinner, I created 2 clients (was not my intention) and got invited to a birthday party.

 

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[Sadik]

Friendships only happen over shared activities. School friendships usually last a lifetime because as kids you shared so much activities together. Go to Meetup.com or similar places from where you can find events happening near you. Go to a few events which interest you even if they are paid. You will meet other people who share same interests as you and you can connect.

In general, be interested in people genuinely. Also be interesting. Watch your words, how you introduce yourself, how you are dressed etc. Nobody wants to be with a loser, I don't think you would either. When in doubt what to say, silence is almost always better than saying something stupid...

Try it out, let us know how it went.

 

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[Johnny boy]

Surround yourself with cooler people and their coolness will rub off on you, especially if you pay close attention to the little details in the way they act.

College athletes in major sports, special forces military guys, fighters, people in the music and entertainment industry, winning entrepreneurs, etc.

Being around losers at your local meetup group won't help a damn thing.

 

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[Stargazer]

Do you have any type of hobby which would also have a local club to get you out a bit?

Or could you take up a new hobby that would get you out?

Dan

 

[Monkeycom]

Do you have any type of hobby which would also have a local club to get you out a bit?

Or could you take up a new hobby that would get you out?

Dan

I do agree. Sport build relationships. My best friends comes from Football... 20 years ago!

 

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[BellaPippin]

This could be a clue to the problem. Your focus is off. Don't ask "why doesn't anyone send me a message, invite me out, or ask what's up?". Ask "how many times do I send someone a message, invite someone out, or ask someone what's up?"

If you would have a friend, be a friend.

Also in extreme cases: "If everyone is an a**hole, you are the a**hole"

 

[LittleWolfie]

I have found it really hard to make and keep friends since being in a more rural area and with less regular time,so perhaps that weighs in.

I just went to meetup events and similar, the trick was to go every week/month and know people in at least 3 contexts.

E.g. someone in the same book club,cycle club and Friday night drinks club would make a better potential friend since we have seen each other's nerdy sides,sporty sides and less inhibited sides.

Eating meals together is a common bonding process,so look for restaurant or picnic events too.

 

[TonyStark]

Sports, man.

Friends are forged in battle.

 

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[Bertram]

The title may be weird to some.

The mainstream culture is so far from what I believe, that I find it hard to relate to any other people I meet.
Sometimes i feel like im an autist with no ability to connect.

Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.
To be fair im not a social person by nature, I find it hard to drive a conversation, and I dont like small-talk.

Am I just socially retarded, or is there a trick to finding people I can relate with?
This forum is great, but while the discussions are amazing, it hasnt gotten me any close connections.

This problem is common with entrepreneurs.
Here's a great way to make friends.
Join the volunteer fire department. Up here there is a continuous high need.
No you don't need to drive a ladder truck or run into a fire. You don"t have to be a first responder.
You can give a few hours a month do scheduled equIpment checks, do IT, be a dispatcher,, shadow staff 1-to-1, run the yard sales.
People from all backgrounds do it. The common thread are an unassuming answer to a call for help. You meet the people you would never have had the chance to know otherwise.
It definitely brings in deeper friendships considerably faster than hobby groups because of the WHY 's.

 

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[Achieve_Bay]

to be completely fair, small talk is what 90% of people like talking about from my experience. That, and talking about themselves. It is really hard to find friends as an adult because it's not like you can go up to people and say 'hey want to be my friend?' plus asking people who you've just met a few days ago if they want to hang out seems a little off too (if I got an invitation from a person I've just barely met to go hang out I'd instantly think they're asking me out on a date or trying to pitch a pyramid scheme lol).

My advice I guess would be to take some classes that interest you on your free time, this will put you be in a room full of people who are also interested in the same thing as you, or you can go to a community center and play a game of pick up basketball and naturally overtime the people who regularly go there will grow a relationship with you. These two are probably the best ideas I can think of. You should probably understand that not too many people will be the type to 'hate small talk' or want to hang out with a person that isn't social by nature. I too used to be like that but I remember I got fired from a job because the boss said I was 'too quite' and 'didn't talk that much' I realized that people don't react to that sort of thing very positively. The term 'fake it till you make it' really rung with me where I forced myself to be social and talk to nearby people about obvious things such as an elevator moving too slowly or how unbearably hot the weather is. This helped me grow a social skill where I could create a bond with any stranger in a matter of moments. I think this can help you too, if you just kind of push yourself a little to bare with the small talk you hate so much and maybe have a quick 2 second conversation with people, this will really help you with your anti-social tendencies

Best of luck

 

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[Jon L]

Meeting people is easy. Meeting interesting people is not

Very cool that you were invited to a party. And also cool that you now know that drinking parties aren't your thing. They're not mine either, so i can relate.

On your 'interesting people' thing. ...

I'd be curious what your results would be if you tried the following experiment for a month.

WIth every person you meet:
1) When you meet someone, try to find what's interesting about them. Usually, it will be in an area they find interesting.
2) Try to add value to their life by brightening their day. After you do something that you think will brighten their day, read their face to see how effective you were at it. Modify your next interaction based on your previous experiment.

You're in a bit of a 'whats in it for me' mode right now. Easy to be in, especially when you're feeling they way you do. I've been there. When you switch from that to 'how can I be true to myself while lifting someone else up' your life dramatically changes. This switch can happen before your current feelings about stuff changes. The switch itself will be what changes your feelings.

 

[Jon L]

Oh...and...Change your name on here. Please.

Mindset matters. I know you said it was a joke, and I kind of get the humor, but I wonder if there's a part of you that identifies with being a creep? Have people called you that before?

Creepiness is all about behavior. Creepy people come across that way because of behaviors they exhibit. Those behaviors usually come about because they feel awkward, and aren't sure how to get what they want. So, if you like a girl, and you just stare at her because you feel too insecure to do anything else, that's creepy. But, if you like a girl, and you go up to her and make her laugh, drawing her in, that's completely not creepy. Same initial feeling, totally different outcome. The difference is in the skill and mindset used to create the behavior you end up exhibiting.

You clearly don't believe you're creepy because you're posting on here, wanting to grow. That's not creepy. So: tell the part of you that wonders if you are to take a hike. One way to do that is to change your name.

 

[MitchM]

I completely understand where you’re coming from, but I think the answer here depends on what you want out of life.

(I’m going to come at this from a different angle because other responses have covered some practical aspects).

I personally want to have a life that is fun and filled with positivity and growth.

Following that desire, it’s more conducive for me to learn to relax my more critical and judgmental side - and just relax and have fun. Other people’s opinions don’t need to bother you. In the course of your life - as you are more open to others - you will increase the odds that you find those people who you want to spend more personal time with. People who you respect and build you up.

But first, I personally think it’s important to be able to let go of some things and just enjoy human to human connection for what it is. When you open up and come from a less combative mindset, I think you’ll find that many people can actually be reasoned with and will want to hear what you have to say if that territory is ever explored.

There is no reason that a teammate in a recreational sport should have similar political views or religious views. My friend group has very varied opinions. What’s important among us is a common desire to improve and also to have a good time.

I’m making assumptions here, but I think that what’s likely happening is that your judgement of others is the enemy here.

I’m not saying that you can’t have opinions and that you should just let anyone into your life - but that fundamentally if you feel most people aren’t worth your time - people aren’t going to get your time.

 

[LittleWolfie]

Norway? Replace dinner party with Sauna party..

 

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[JDE]

Check out real social dynamics on youtube - the vids by RSDTyler. He was also mildly autistic and because of the pain and suffering this part of his life caused him it gave him enormous leverage to master his social skills well beyond what most people would. Lots of strong opinions on this type of content but I can personally attest that my social skills and happiness have gone through the roof in the last year and a half watching his stuff.

 

[MoneyHacker]

Norway? Replace dinner party with Sauna party..

Regret googling the term!

 

[MoneyHacker]

Seem like you are feeling lonely because you can't befriend with people that don't share the same interests with you. Don't worry, it takes time, especially with us, introverts.

You can read books like "How to win friends and influence people" to understand more about psychology, but just implement morally good techniques, don't exploit too much. Learn about conversation skills, you can practice by joining clubs of your interest. Try talking to people, it will feel awkward at first when you can't think of anything to say, but eventually it gets easier.

Try to think like this when you to talk to people: you have a chance to learn from them, they are like an adventure, you can explore lots of interesting things from talking to them alone. It will widen your perspective.

But again ask yourself, what do you want the most from those relationships? Are you the guy who goes for a few serious friends or you will go for mass friends but none of them will become your bestfriends.

 

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[Tourmaline]

Your name is Creep?

Go get better with people. Go outside to where people are that you'd like to be friends with.

How many books have you read about charisma and people? Whatever the answer is, go read a bunch more and then practice practice practice.

 

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[ChrisV]

Honestly what really sent my social skills through the roof was meditation.

That plus I notice the more successful I become the more charismatic.

When you get more successful there's this underlying self worth and you don't feel like you have anything ashamed about.

Maybe talk to a therapist as there may be stuff under the surface you're not noticing.

 

[Fortune5ive]

The universe is your friend. Go out in nature and enjoy the chatter from Mother Earth. Friends/people bring noise, drama and stress.

 

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[Vairavan]

I'll recommend a few books for you:

Sometimes i feel like im an autist with no ability to connect.

Read a book called Awkward by Ty Tashiro. This book goes in-depth into why some people are awkward. It argues how they may suffer from mild autism.

But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.

You are suffering from loneliness, my friend. There is an excellent book called Intimate Connections which deals with this exact issue. This will definitely help you. Everyone who I recommended this came back to say thank you.

I find it hard to drive a conversation, and I dont like small-talk.

How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes has lots of tips for small talk. You'll never run out of things to say.

 

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[Kevin88660]

The title may be weird to some.

The mainstream culture is so far from what I believe, that I find it hard to relate to any other people I meet.
Sometimes i feel like im an autist with no ability to connect.

Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.
To be fair im not a social person by nature, I find it hard to drive a conversation, and I dont like small-talk.

Am I just socially retarded, or is there a trick to finding people I can relate with?
This forum is great, but while the discussions are amazing, it hasnt gotten me any close connections.

My suggestion is find people with common goals and encourage one another.

Provide help and value to one another.

I am in financial sales and my good friends now are those in the same circle. We pool money to rent premises to do sales activity together. I believe that comrades in a battlefield builds lasting real relationship.

 

[Rabby]

Invite people to things, start a club, go to meetups. Smile and talk to people when you're stuck in an elevator with them. Go out of your way to talk to people who look uncomfortable in a crowd of people, and talk about something they are interested in.

 

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[Get Right]

Church is my go-to.