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HOT TOPIC How do i find friends?

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Creep

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The title may be weird to some.

The mainstream culture is so far from what I believe, that I find it hard to relate to any other people I meet.
Sometimes i feel like im an autist with no ability to connect.

Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.
To be fair im not a social person by nature, I find it hard to drive a conversation, and I dont like small-talk.

Am I just socially retarded, or is there a trick to finding people I can relate with?
This forum is great, but while the discussions are amazing, it hasnt gotten me any close connections.
 

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Jan_K

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I don't believe you're socially retarded, for what it's worth: the people with fewer friends then what it considered "normal" usually are the ones that are much smarter and turn out much more succesfull.

Don't change because you desperately want friends, if people don't like you for what you are: screw them!
 

Stargazer

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Do you have any type of hobby which would also have a local club to get you out a bit?

Or could you take up a new hobby that would get you out?

Dan
 

babyballer

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The title may be weird to some.

The mainstream culture is so far from what I believe, that I find it hard to relate to any other people I meet.
Sometimes i feel like im an autist with no ability to connect.

Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.
To be fair im not a social person by nature, I find it hard to drive a conversation, and I dont like small-talk.

Am I just socially retarded, or is there a trick to finding people I can relate with?
This forum is great, but while the discussions are amazing, it hasnt gotten me any close connections.
If no one invites you out, your social skill is not up there. Or you simply just have shitty friends.
 

Brewmacker

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The title may be weird to some.

The mainstream culture is so far from what I believe, that I find it hard to relate to any other people I meet.
Sometimes i feel like im an autist with no ability to connect.

Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.
To be fair im not a social person by nature, I find it hard to drive a conversation, and I dont like small-talk.

Am I just socially retarded, or is there a trick to finding people I can relate with?
This forum is great, but while the discussions are amazing, it hasnt gotten me any close connections.
I would start by not calling myself "creep"to begin with. It is a pretty negative self image. Are you quite a negative person in general? Maybe finding someone to talk to professionally might help you with your sticking points.
Alternatively get new friends by going out in the world sharing your time with other people in what ever you find interesting or in ways that help other people. Do not look for something in return, just be there and invest your time when people see you have no agenda maybe they will open up to you.
 

Tiago

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1. Make up a list of criteria that are your filter for which kind of people you want in your life (ambitious, fun, giving etc...)

2. Find 2-3 in your area that might fit these criteria. Facebook, referrals, etc...

3. Organize dinner parties at your home or at a restaurant.

4. Get referrals from those first people who went to the dinner.

5. Rinse and repeat.

6. Opportunities will start following.

After my first dinner, I created 2 clients (was not my intention) and got invited to a birthday party.
 

Kevin88660

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The title may be weird to some.

The mainstream culture is so far from what I believe, that I find it hard to relate to any other people I meet.
Sometimes i feel like im an autist with no ability to connect.

Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.
To be fair im not a social person by nature, I find it hard to drive a conversation, and I dont like small-talk.

Am I just socially retarded, or is there a trick to finding people I can relate with?
This forum is great, but while the discussions are amazing, it hasnt gotten me any close connections.
My suggestion is find people with common goals and encourage one another.

Provide help and value to one another.

I am in financial sales and my good friends now are those in the same circle. We pool money to rent premises to do sales activity together. I believe that comrades in a battlefield builds lasting real relationship.
 

Kruiser

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Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.
This could be a clue to the problem. Your focus is off. Don't ask "why doesn't anyone send me a message, invite me out, or ask what's up?". Ask "how many times do I send someone a message, invite someone out, or ask someone what's up?"

If you would have a friend, be a friend.
 

Sadik

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Friendships only happen over shared activities. School friendships usually last a lifetime because as kids you shared so much activities together. Go to Meetup.com or similar places from where you can find events happening near you. Go to a few events which interest you even if they are paid. You will meet other people who share same interests as you and you can connect.

In general, be interested in people genuinely. Also be interesting. Watch your words, how you introduce yourself, how you are dressed etc. Nobody wants to be with a loser, I don't think you would either. When in doubt what to say, silence is almost always better than saying something stupid... :)

Try it out, let us know how it went.
 

BellaPippin

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You are not socially retarded! You might be introverted, shy, or both (they are NOT the same thing!)

As an introverted person (but not shy) I do pretty well socially but it drains all the energy from me. After a while I need to retreat to be by myself. And there is no shortage of introverts, we're everywhere we just don't like small talk either so you see how it's not very conductive to start relationships. You can't just walk up to someone and be like "the 9-5 is a lie!!!" :p

My advice: take up a class/activity of something you enjoy AND where the people attending are always the same (so like, not a gym class where every day someone different comes). But a X-week course of something of your interest. Or volunteering where everyone signed up is the same for a while. Or a meetup for (example) D&D where the same people always go play.

The way you make friends is by means of seeing the same people (people you click with) regularly. Rapport/bonding with someone takes time. Like the Fox in The Little Prince. I met my best friend when I worked at the bank, we were both tellers. We worked together for a year and forever kept in touch. She's my all. But have I just come across her at a networking event we probably would not have built enough rapport to keep in touch and see each other again. Building friendships isn't like dating.
 

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BellaPippin

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This could be a clue to the problem. Your focus is off. Don't ask "why doesn't anyone send me a message, invite me out, or ask what's up?". Ask "how many times do I send someone a message, invite someone out, or ask someone what's up?"

If you would have a friend, be a friend.
Also in extreme cases: "If everyone is an a**hole, you are the a**hole" :p
 

Rabby

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Invite people to things, start a club, go to meetups. Smile and talk to people when you're stuck in an elevator with them. Go out of your way to talk to people who look uncomfortable in a crowd of people, and talk about something they are interested in.
 
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Creep

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Don't change because you desperately want friends, if people don't like you for what you are: screw them!
That has been my attitude so far :)

Do you have any type of hobby which would also have a local club to get you out a bit?

Or could you take up a new hobby that would get you out?

Dan
I was anticipating this answer. I do dnd and played in a band. The metal community from my band life is decent, but very drinking focused.. I dont drink.
Dnd is nice, but very limited to one group. I could try some public events in that regard. good tip, ill check other options too.

I would start by not calling myself "creep"to begin with. It is a pretty negative self image. Are you quite a negative person in general?
My self image is pretty good, its just a self-awareness/irony thing.
Im very optimistic, and dont think I have any personal issues, other than im a bit awkward when it comes to small talk

1. Make up a list of criteria that are your filter for which kind of people you want in your life (ambitious, fun, giving etc...)

2. Find 2-3 in your area that might fit these criteria. Facebook, referrals, etc...

3. Organize dinner parties at your home or at a restaurant.

4. Get referrals from those first people who went to the dinner.

5. Rinse and repeat.

6. Opportunities will start following.

After my first dinner, I created 2 clients (was not my intention) and got invited to a birthday party.
Sounds interesting, but not sure how receptive strangers in Norway are to joining a random dinner party. I could barely get models for a music video!
 
OP
OP
C

Creep

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My suggestion is find people with common goals and encourage one another.

Provide help and value to one another.

I am in financial sales and my good friends now are those in the same circle. We pool money to rent premises to do sales activity together. I believe that comrades in a battlefield builds lasting real relationship.
I guess thats why im on this forum. Ive found some guys i talk with, and hopefully it becomes a good relationship after a while.

This could be a clue to the problem. Your focus is off. Don't ask "why doesn't anyone send me a message, invite me out, or ask what's up?". Ask "how many times do I send someone a message, invite someone out, or ask someone what's up?"

If you would have a friend, be a friend.
Oh dude, believe me ive tried.

Friendships only happen over shared activities. School friendships usually last a lifetime because as kids you shared so much activities together. Go to Meetup.com or similar places from where you can find events happening near you. Go to a few events which interest you even if they are paid. You will meet other people who share same interests as you and you can connect.

In general, be interested in people genuinely. Also be interesting. Watch your words, how you introduce yourself, how you are dressed etc. Nobody wants to be with a loser, I don't think you would either. When in doubt what to say, silence is almost always better than saying something stupid... :)

Try it out, let us know how it went.
Thanks, ill see whats nearby that i may enjoy.

You are not socially retarded! You might be introverted, shy, or both (they are NOT the same thing!)

As an introverted person (but not shy) I do pretty well socially but it drains all the energy from me. After a while I need to retreat to be by myself. And there is no shortage of introverts, we're everywhere we just don't like small talk either so you see how it's not very conductive to start relationships. You can't just walk up to someone and be like "the 9-5 is a lie!!!" :p

My advice: take up a class/activity of something you enjoy AND where the people attending are always the same (so like, not a gym class where every day someone different comes). But a X-week course of something of your interest. Or volunteering where everyone signed up is the same for a while. Or a meetup for (example) D&D where the same people always go play.

The way you make friends is by means of seeing the same people (people you click with) regularly. Rapport/bonding with someone takes time. Like the Fox in The Little Prince. I met my best friend when I worked at the bank, we were both tellers. We worked together for a year and forever kept in touch. She's my all. But have I just come across her at a networking event we probably would not have built enough rapport to keep in touch and see each other again. Building friendships isn't like dating.
Thanks, I'm also introverted, and not shy. Just a bit awkward
Ill try to look for some activities. Its hard to find something interestng in the area.. maybe ill be the one hosting lol.
 

LittleWolfie

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I have found it really hard to make and keep friends since being in a more rural area and with less regular time,so perhaps that weighs in.

I just went to meetup events and similar, the trick was to go every week/month and know people in at least 3 contexts.

E.g. someone in the same book club,cycle club and Friday night drinks club would make a better potential friend since we have seen each other's nerdy sides,sporty sides and less inhibited sides.

Eating meals together is a common bonding process,so look for restaurant or picnic events too.
 

Ismails

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The title may be weird to some.

The mainstream culture is so far from what I believe, that I find it hard to relate to any other people I meet.
Sometimes i feel like im an autist with no ability to connect.

Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.
To be fair im not a social person by nature, I find it hard to drive a conversation, and I dont like small-talk.

Am I just socially retarded, or is there a trick to finding people I can relate with?
This forum is great, but while the discussions are amazing, it hasnt gotten me any close connections.

Your Go-to resource ways:
1) Meetup (FREE)
2) Eventbrite (You have to Pay for tickets)

Little Shy and wanna eliminate it? -> Do some karaoke in your local city at bar (Have Some Fun)
You have Fear of Public Speaking ? -> Join Toastmaster (Every Tuesday - 3 Hours a day for 2 or months)
 

Private Witt

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For sure go to activity and niche passion.

Learning to small talk even at lower level would be a great help.
 

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Bertram

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The title may be weird to some.

The mainstream culture is so far from what I believe, that I find it hard to relate to any other people I meet.
Sometimes i feel like im an autist with no ability to connect.

Sure, I have some friends. But none that ever sends me a message, invites me out or just asks whats up.
To be fair im not a social person by nature, I find it hard to drive a conversation, and I dont like small-talk.

Am I just socially retarded, or is there a trick to finding people I can relate with?
This forum is great, but while the discussions are amazing, it hasnt gotten me any close connections.
This problem is common with entrepreneurs.
Here's a great way to make friends.
Join the volunteer fire department. Up here there is a continuous high need.
No you don't need to drive a ladder truck or run into a fire. You don"t have to be a first responder.
You can give a few hours a month do scheduled equIpment checks, do IT, be a dispatcher,, shadow staff 1-to-1, run the yard sales.
People from all backgrounds do it. The common thread are an unassuming answer to a call for help. You meet the people you would never have had the chance to know otherwise.
It definitely brings in deeper friendships considerably faster than hobby groups because of the WHY 's.
 
Last edited:

MitchM

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I completely understand where you’re coming from, but I think the answer here depends on what you want out of life.

(I’m going to come at this from a different angle because other responses have covered some practical aspects).

I personally want to have a life that is fun and filled with positivity and growth.

Following that desire, it’s more conducive for me to learn to relax my more critical and judgmental side - and just relax and have fun. Other people’s opinions don’t need to bother you. In the course of your life - as you are more open to others - you will increase the odds that you find those people who you want to spend more personal time with. People who you respect and build you up.

But first, I personally think it’s important to be able to let go of some things and just enjoy human to human connection for what it is. When you open up and come from a less combative mindset, I think you’ll find that many people can actually be reasoned with and will want to hear what you have to say if that territory is ever explored.

There is no reason that a teammate in a recreational sport should have similar political views or religious views. My friend group has very varied opinions. What’s important among us is a common desire to improve and also to have a good time.

I’m making assumptions here, but I think that what’s likely happening is that your judgement of others is the enemy here.

I’m not saying that you can’t have opinions and that you should just let anyone into your life - but that fundamentally if you feel most people aren’t worth your time - people aren’t going to get your time.
 

Tiago

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Sounds interesting, but not sure how receptive strangers in Norway are to joining a random dinner party. I could barely get models for a music video!
You never know if you don't try. Be open to being amazed, and you will be.
 

JDE

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Check out real social dynamics on youtube - the vids by RSDTyler. He was also mildly autistic and because of the pain and suffering this part of his life caused him it gave him enormous leverage to master his social skills well beyond what most people would. Lots of strong opinions on this type of content but I can personally attest that my social skills and happiness have gone through the roof in the last year and a half watching his stuff.
 

MoneyHacker

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Seem like you are feeling lonely because you can't befriend with people that don't share the same interests with you. Don't worry, it takes time, especially with us, introverts.

You can read books like "How to win friends and influence people" to understand more about psychology, but just implement morally good techniques, don't exploit too much. Learn about conversation skills, you can practice by joining clubs of your interest. Try talking to people, it will feel awkward at first when you can't think of anything to say, but eventually it gets easier.

Try to think like this when you to talk to people: you have a chance to learn from them, they are like an adventure, you can explore lots of interesting things from talking to them alone. It will widen your perspective.

But again ask yourself, what do you want the most from those relationships? Are you the guy who goes for a few serious friends or you will go for mass friends but none of them will become your bestfriends.
 
Last edited:

LittleWolfie

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Regret googling the term!
There is obviously some awkward term, I'm unaware of this is work-safe) on Finland Sauna culture, but it gives you the general idea. I suspect the poster in Norway, will be able to give a better explantion on comparative culture of the sauna and the filka(which is badly mangled sweedish)
 

TuplerNova

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Open yourself to people even if they reject you, you will learn by failing. Even the most bada$$ womenizer gets a huge number of rejects. They just don't care and move on.
 

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