Having Children...Pros and Cons?

[socaldude]

I guess there are lot of ways of looking at this and it really depends on your goals and personality.

Pros:
1. Bonding with and mentoring your child.
2. Gives your live more meaning as it’s not about “you” anymore.

Cons:
1. Expensive and time consuming.

I don’t have kids and I’m not married so I might be a little biased. I’ve struggled with unemployment and loneliness so getting married and having kids wasn’t on the list as it’s expensive and requieres a stable income.

Doesn’t sound healthy or “balanced” but then again if you want freedom your gonna have to be a little weird.

 

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[TheCj]

Do you ever wonder who you'll have to help you when you get old? I know it sounds a bit selfish, but it's a practical aspect of being elderly, that you need someone trustworthy to help. What are your thoughts on this?

If you are critically injured tomorrow who is going to help you?

 

[Saavedra]

I don't regret having kids, maybe I would have had only one instead of two, or had two but with more years in between. Kids make you a full human being, capable of the most basic human understanding of life, which is the relevance of legacy. Plus they train your patience a lot, and also your social skills.
What I do regret is the world they are going to grow up in, a world were we still have communist countries and military, and in which people live in cities bumping into each other day after day with no connections whatsoever to each other. A world that has lost focus on what happiness truly is.
And also regret not being financially independent to be with them more time.

As a man, the best strategy is to gain a lot of financial independence and work hard up to your 25-30 (40s if you are late...) and THEN start to think about *getting* a GIRLFRIEND. Ideally a man would be more or less independent (at least have a home paid off or almost) by their 30-35 and then after some years testing this woman and seeing that it is a good fit (living together) take that step. Obviously this means you should date-down at least age wise; which is exactly how nature intended it.

 

[csalvato]

I'm your age, and the thought of you being married already frightens me.

You seem easily scared

What are the most important ways a parent should influence his/her child?

This depends on your own values. You really need to have that sorted out before you conceive.

 

[Jamilyna]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

 

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[Bernard Fauvette]

Hi Jon,
I understand what you are feeling. My wife and I have our own vision board printed and on display on our wall. We have grand goals, and starting a family is on that board.

We recently had our first child, she is now 5 months old. Yes, they take up a lot of your time and are entirely dependent on you. But that does not need to take away from your goals, or your life. In my case, it fueled my fire.

It is one thing to work hard for yourself and your own needs, or for your wife who has her own abilities. But knowing you have such a beautiful little creature who needs you and loves you unconditionally, will make you want to work 10x harder to be a better provider. Because now their future is on the line, not just yours.

Having a child is not a decision to take lightly, and if you have any itches you wish to scratch in the immediate future, I would recommend doing those first (if they can't be done with a child). But if you and your partner are wanting this, you will be able to take on any of the challenges that come.

To address the issue of time, you do end up with less time for yourself with a new born. But you will soon realise how much time you wasted before kids. Once a baby is in the picture, it isn't a question of having the time, you learn to make the time.

Reading the fastlane whilst rocking your baby to sleep, watching your favourite shows whilst up doing your part of the night shift so your wife can get some sleep. Audio books or pod casts while you drive, riding to work to get your exercise in because you missed the gym. What ever it is you want, you will want it more and work harder for it, because you now have another big reason to do it.

So as a new father, I can honestly say I have no regrets. If you and your partner want a child, I am certain you will find yourself saying the same thing in the future.

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

 

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[sandmountain]

One other thing, I’m quite close to 3 different people with net worths ranging 20-50 million. They all have multiple kids, and they all started as normal Joe’s like the rest of us. It’s been very motivating to see them accomplish this while being great parents, but they probably slept less than a single person during their beginning years. No worries there though, sleep when your dead.

*I don’t want to be asked to leave this awesome forum, so I’ll add that I’m not hinting as some sort of coaching here, or connecting people to these parents for paid coaching. And I’m definitely not hinting that I have some secrets to accomplish what they did while being a parents. I haven’t figured this stuff out yet lol

 

[Ivan2BAlive]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

I am going to be honest with you, when I was growing up, I was determined not to have any kids. Now, I have 2 beautiful daughters and I must say that it was the best decision in my life and would've been a big mistake if I didn't have kids.

But there are many things you can do when you don't have kids and, let's say, limit what you can do when you do have kids.

For example, without kids, you can do more and explore more opportunities, take more risks and venture out to do more in business without worrying about having an extra mouth to feed or paying for clothing, food, diapers etc. You'll be able to give your best of you when you have less to worry in your life, such as taking little Suzie to the dentist or little Johnny to the doctor.

On the other side of the coin, having kids are a blessing in disguise. If you want to start a family, I would say go for it. It can motivate you along with your spouse to do better since now you have a third, fourth, fifth person to think about (or however many kids you want). This route is a little more tricky though since now kids have to rely on a stable source of income, such as a job or career can give, and trying to start a business in the midst of it all can be a little tougher.

This is where I am in my situation. I've been involved with this forum for quite some time now since 2017 still trying to grow wealth so I can retire, take my family to vacations, be a philanthropist and simply just having freedom from living paycheck to paycheck. This is not to say that I'm grateful about my family, it's just a little harder in becoming an entrepreneur/writer/inventor because something/someone always need attention first.

I guess you can say it's all up to the both of you how you want to approach it. I'm not going to say do or don't start a family because I don't know your situation. You and your spouse both have to weigh the options together and think what is best for the growth of your family.

That's my two cents, I hope this helps.

 

[Craigcon01]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

My view is that one reason you are on this planet is to pro-create, once you have millions you'll need an heir to pass it all onto!!

 

[Tourmaline]

Kids are amazing and a lot of work.

But it's one of the biggest aspects of being human, of being an animal.

And there's nothing really like it, and it's utterly amazing.

It also gives you substantial drive for building legacy...since you have someone that will directly receive what you leave behind.

But you can't make your self have kids before your ready. And you definitely want to be ready.

It also makes you grow massively. The world no longer revolves around you.

However I don't think you have to sacrifice your self by any means. Rather you get better at managing your time and only doing what you really want to do.

Plus they're super cute and endlessly adorable and fun

 

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[GriffJ]

I'm 33 and a married woman so the question I get asked (a lot!) is; when are you having kids? Like it's expected of everyone to want them.

I have a wonderful husband and step son, (and a dog) I feel my life is fulfilled and I get great satisfaction from working on my goals and working towards a future where I can be free from the rat race and support my family.

I don't want children right now, but there are plenty of "older" women having children these days, maybe I'll change my mind, maybe I won't. If I'm being honest, I feel like I would be "tied down" with kids but I know plenty of successful people with children so maybe that's my own internal justification.

The funny thing is I do think my feelings would be different if I was already "free" one worry is that having children will trap you in the 9-5 having to provide, I'm sure that's not the case at all but I guess it's a very real fear when deciding these things.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, I think you have to make peace with what you decide though, regret is hard to live with.

 

[ShepardHumphries]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

Update?

 

[Voice Angel]

Would love to know too what you decided!

I'm a bit late on this thread but thought I'd chime in too...

Having kids was the best decision I’ve ever made. They force you out of your personal bubble. You see the world in a new way as well. In some ways, your world has just expanded. I’d say they make my life better in every way.

Yes, there are some things we can’t just get up and do now that we have kids. But most things we can, with some planning.

And as well you do need more money. But setting aside a small amount off each incoming dollar (whether that’s a day job or entrepreneurial businesses), adds up quickly. Before we did that, we went through a very rough time back in the day (financially) but we hadn’t planned well back then. If you start now, it’s feasible and manageable.

I agree with others who have suggested that this is a great time to discuss the other aspects of having a family with your wife to prepare ahead mentally, i.e. religion, discipline, education.

My husband and I come from completely different backgrounds. He’s non religious (I won’t go so far as to say atheist) and I was brought up with 3 religions. We exposed the kids to several and let them decide. We were both brought up being spanked for discipline. We decided no spanking ever for our kids (it stayed that way – and they’re both great kids). So these are some aspects that are best discussed now before the kids come.

I also agree with the others who have said that words cannot describe the experience of having children. Whether you decide to have your own or adopt, the connection is awe-inspiring.

There will be some very trying times too! But you’ll deal with them.
They make you stronger.

 

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[notinuse1245]

Don't have children right now, but thought about it a lot.
I don't like the idea of having a child, simply because I think that there are already too many people on the planet, and especially to many children without a family.
With that in mind, I just think it's better for me to adopt a child sometime in the future - when I think I would be able to care for them and give them the time and resources they deserve. Which also plays nicely with not having to think about the biological clock.

 

[Mattie]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

I think it just depends your value system. What is most important to

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

I have no regrets at all. It was probably one of the most joyful experiences of my life. It's always been a blessing and fun at times.

I think it depends on the parent truthfully. I just had this discussion in a group where the mother had a new born and didn't like it.

I think some men and women are meant to be parents and love it like myself, where others may not see it as important or they don't value the experience or relationship. I would say if I wasn't a mother i wouldn't have the drive, the ambition, the motivation to even be innovative and creative. I think children inspire you to be creative, artistic, innovative, and it's just naturally part of the job of being a parent. They are just a mini me of you with their own personality, ideas, beliefs, and journey in life.

I think they sometimes even teach you wonderful things about life as you go.

Again it is all about you and your wife what your looking to get out of the experience. What do you hope to gain from the relationship. I see as a growth experience and reaching maturation every step you go along the journey. Children push you to reach your best self.

I'm sure this probably is different for everyone. It's all about your perception of being a parent.

 

[kommen]

Hi, I'm 19 and I'm way too young to give an answer. But I thought this is a very interesting thread that makes me want to ask,

How old do you guys think is too old for a man to have children?

 

[Black_Mamba_427]

Posting partially because I'm about to head out and I want to read all the posts ITT later.

but... I've just turned 30 and wife is 29. We've been together 11 years this year, and married 4.

I can't wait to have kids. I don't see a future life without them (unless either of us physically cant). My wife doesn't want them yet but i think does so in the future. She's not very broody though, which is probably a good thing because all my friends girlfriends and wives are chomping at the bit for kids and the boyfriends are really anti-them.

Live in quite a small house though atm, so I think it definitely makes sense to move house (which we plan on doing next year) and then thinking about it after that.

Edit: I like the idea of being able to pass on wealth, knowledge, wisdom etc to kids. I didn't really have much growing up, or many opportunities. And my dad was always working like 90hours a week, so didn't really see him much. I'd love to be able to spend a ton of time with my kids and not have them necessarily make decisions based on money, but because of what they were interested in. Whereas I just chased the moneybags.

 

[Black_Mamba_427]

My wife and I (27 & 35 y/o) are often told we'd make good parents, but the only way we can imagine being happy to go ahead is if one or both of us can take on the role full time.

Schools are, largely, a dumpster fire. The idea of bringing a child into the world, only to put it through school, seems cruel and stupid. The education on offer in public systems is woefully out of touch with what a human being actually needs in 2022.

So, we'd want to educate our child/ren ourselves, and not have that be a stress on our own relationship or our finances. If I can figure out a Fastlane within the next 7 years, hopefully my wife will still be good to go. If not, well, we love dogs

I agree with you that the education system is out dated (even private schools from what I've seen) unless you want to go down the STEM route, but I would argue that the social learning (how to interact with other kids from other backgrounds) is something that just couldn't get taught from home school.

The home schooled kids I've met (which is rare) are really odd and always come across autistic and unable to interact socially.

 

[Roli]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

What happened? Did you have children?

 

[Roli]

Granted, I’ve not done any genuine research because we’re nowhere near actually considering having a kid. Just my current perceptions based on 20 years of interacting with families as a music teacher (and visiting schools).

Most parents I know are exhausted. How am I going to meet my Fastlane goals on no sleep? Neither my wife nor I are broody in the slightest right now so it’s entirely a logical decision. (Counter-argument: dependents act as leverage on the necessity to earn money.)

The notion of not giving thought to taking on the biggest responsibility available in the human experience seems bonkers to me.

Fair enough, you've worked in schools so you have a better angle on it than most people without kids. It's just that I know a couple of adults who were home schooled and they still to this day, regret missing out on a "normal" education. They craved school and you can see the look of not quite sadness, but longing when we're sitting around talking about school days, old crushes, bullies, class clowns, teachers, they missed all of that and they're sad their parents took that route.

Yes lack of sleep is a factor as a parent, although my wife and I negated that by just letting the baby sleep with my wife for 7 months, whilst I stayed on the sofabed. Baby slept about 6 hours a night waking only to quietly suckle on a readily available breast, plenty good enough.

It does seem bonkers not "thinking" about it and obviously there are things to think about. However if I had intellectualised having a child, right now I'd be 50 years old, childless and probably regretting not just taking the plunge.

Like you said, neither of you are broody at the mo, but trust me, when a woman's broody and she has a healthy sperm giving male as a partner, there's little you can do to resist!

My advice, when the time comes, just go with the flow and don't take anything to personally!

Anyway, I hope when you do we're both still members of this forum and you write about it. Because I'm genuinely interested in all of that

 

[Danny_Cox]

Fair enough, you've worked in schools so you have a better angle on it than most people without kids. It's just that I know a couple of adults who were home schooled and they still to this day, regret missing out on a "normal" education. They craved school and you can see the look of not quite sadness, but longing when we're sitting around talking about school days, old crushes, bullies, class clowns, teachers, they missed all of that and they're sad their parents took that route.

Yes lack of sleep is a factor as a parent, although my wife and I negated that by just letting the baby sleep with my wife for 7 months, whilst I stayed on the sofabed. Baby slept about 6 hours a night waking only to quietly suckle on a readily available breast, plenty good enough.

It does seem bonkers not "thinking" about it and obviously there are things to think about. However if I had intellectualised having a child, right now I'd be 50 years old, childless and probably regretting not just taking the plunge.

Like you said, neither of you are broody at the mo, but trust me, when a woman's broody and she has a healthy sperm giving male as a partner, there's little you can do to resist!

My advice, when the time comes, just go with the flow and don't take anything to personally!

Anyway, I hope when you do we're both still members of this forum and you write about it. Because I'm genuinely interested in all of that

Great points. Interesting to have fallen into a conversation around this since it's typically so far off my radar and yet I take "to father or not father" to be one of the biggest decisions of my life.

Re: kids regretting not going to school, well, there's always an opportunity to regret, hey? Though I could definitely see me sending my kid to school if they really wanted to experience, with the option for them to come back into homeschooling if they prefer. I really like the notion that kids are "beings, not becomings," and will do better when given maximum agency in the context of firm and sensible boundaries.

As for the social aspects of homeschooling, well, if parenting were my full-time gig I'd absolutely be creating a diverse social diary for my kid.

LOVE what you did putting the baby with Mum at night. Whenever this kind of thing comes up the wife & I are right behind it. The baby doesn't know—nor care—that civilisation has advanced. It wants to be with Mum 100% of the time, and it's easier for everyone involved! Total no-brainer to us. Big round of applause

I hear you re intellectualising. I think this stage of my life is all about establishing sovereignty. Once that's taken care of, I can imagine having totally different perspectives on a lot of things. Lots of good reasons to stick around here so let's add this conversation to the pile

 

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[Oso]

"Should I have kids" isn't the question to ask, imo.

"Should I have kids with this person" is what needs to be asked. A child will always come with obligation that can be planned for. The wrong partner will make your life a living hell, thus making raising your children exponentially harder.

I love my daughter to death. But I'd be lying if I said I don't regret having a child with the woman I had one with.

 

[EvanOkanagan]

"Should I have kids" isn't the question to ask, imo.

"Should I have kids with this person" is what needs to be asked. A child will always come with obligation that can be planned for. The wrong partner will make your life a living hell, thus making raising your children exponentially harder.

I love my daughter to death. But I'd be lying if I said I don't regret having a child with the woman I had one with.

Agree.

From an investment standpoint, the wrong partner is the worst investment you can make. Learned the hard way and cost me about $2m pre-tax money, plus a major blow to my cash flow for the next 5-15 years.

 

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[Antifragile]

Trying to convey what it's like to have children to someone who doesn't is like trying to describe the taste of something someone has never tasted. You have to experience it for yourself.

This is so true. Well put!

 

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[ProcessPro]

I'm one of those people who killed every plant I ever had, and every pet

That's why I married someone who is a super nurturer as her super power.

Lol at this.

Thanks for all the advice guys. Reading through slowly and taking notes. I'll respond one by one as I work through the posts.

 

[Deleted78083]

Make whatever choice suits you, but make an informed choice. Men may not have the same cut off point as women, but an advanced paternal age does increase health risks for the child. Certain cancers, schizophrenia, bipolar, autism, birth defects, miscarriage, etc. Obviously you play the odds at whatever age you have kids, you just play different odds, so it's worth factoring into your decision.

At 26 & 28 though the OP is far from that concern for now.

Wishing healthy children for everyone who opts for parenthood!

Crossing the road significantly increases your chances of dying, make an informed decision!

 

[WillHurtDontCare]

A meaningful life requires engaging in a project beyond oneself. Raising children involves not only becoming involved in other lives, but in lives that will continue after yours ends (you should start reflecting on your own death now, because it will drastically impact how you make decisions - you only have so much time, after all).

"Aut liberi aut libri [either children or books]" - Nietzsche. What he meant was that you should contribute kids or ideas or actions with your life. If you aren't going to have kids, you should find some meaningful project to dedicate your lives to - social, political, religious, cultural, charitable, etc. You're on your own for this one, because that meaning is quite personal to your own lives and circumstances. People need meaning in their lives or they begin to rot.

I'm 29 and I don't have kids yet, but I do spend as much time as I can with my cousins (4 & 6) and their friends as I can. They're wonderful - having them around definitely changes the atmosphere of whatever social setting that we're involved in. I won't pretend that kids aren't exhausting sometimes, but far more often than not I am invigorated and happier from spending time with them; that youthful energy is contagious.

They will also impact your character, as you will find yourself as an authority figure in their lives and you'll have to balance being liked against helping them develop character themselves (AKA scolding them, never fun).

On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc.

Does anyone respect people who lead easy lives? Sacrifice is a prerequisite to fulfillment.

I think that your wife would be well served by reading about many of the lives of people who didn't have children, both positive and negative stories, to see which stories most resonate with you two and see which ideas you can pull from them.

I will say this though, if you decide not to have children and do not find some meaningful life project, instead pursuing having a good time (partying, traveling), you will end up miserable.

 

[ProcessPro]

Keep in mind that there are two parts of this:

1. The selfish part - How your children will influence your lives as adults.
2. The more important part - How you will influence your children's lives as they grow up.

Put another way - this decision isn't just about how children will change your life, it's also HUGELY about how good of a parent you think you'll be and your willingness to "step up" and be a damn good parent for them for the rest of your life.

I'll just come out and say it - too many shitty people have kids who deserve better parents. If you can't be the kind of parent that any child would be thrilled to call "mom" or "dad" - don't have children. Period.

If you're willing to be a great parent, the selfish part almost doesn't matter. Shit will go sideways and shit will get hard and you'll make sacrifices and hard choices along the way that you wouldn't have to if you didn't have kids but guess what? As long as you're a great parent, you'll figure it out and get through it because that's what great parents do.

Great advice. Thanks.

"I'll just come out and say it - too many shitty people have kids who deserve better parents." Agreed - Unfortunately some people in my family who are parents fit this.

 

[ProcessPro]

Great advice. Thanks.

"I'll just come out and say it - too many shitty people have kids who deserve better parents." Agreed - Unfortunately some people in my family who are parents fit this.

Keep in mind that there are two parts of this:

1. The selfish part - How your children will influence your lives as adults.
2. The more important part - How you will influence your children's lives as they grow up.

Put another way - this decision isn't just about how children will change your life, it's also HUGELY about how good of a parent you think you'll be and your willingness to "step up" and be a damn good parent for them for the rest of your life.

I'll just come out and say it - too many shitty people have kids who deserve better parents. If you can't be the kind of parent that any child would be thrilled to call "mom" or "dad" - don't have children. Period.

If you're willing to be a great parent, the selfish part almost doesn't matter. Shit will go sideways and shit will get hard and you'll make sacrifices and hard choices along the way that you wouldn't have to if you didn't have kids but guess what? As long as you're a great parent, you'll figure it out and get through it because that's what great parents do.

What are the most important ways a parent should influence his/her child?

 

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Hi Jon, I think it is great that you are really considering this. I like the rocking chair test. Imagine you are 90 years old and sitting in your rocking chair. How does your life look from this angle? What do you wish you would have done or have not done. It is a great perspective.

We have 3 children who are grown and they are great friends now. They weren't friends growing up as we were always the parents. It is a joyful and challenging job. I have grown as a person so very much more than I ever would have without kids. Now we have 6 grandkids - talk about joy!

At the same time, It is a challenging job - so you really need to want it. Please don't have kids if you aren't sure. They need your full commitment. There is absolutely no shame in not having children.

Best of luck to you and your wife!

Hi Jamilyna! Thanks for taking the time to respond. I'll give the rocking chair exercise a try and see how that perspective can inform my decision.

It's cool to hear someone refer to their kids as their friends - says a lot about the relationship, and the job you did as a parent!

It would be pretty cool to have grandchildren and to be able to live long enough to see them grow up.