Having Children...Pros and Cons?

[BLIM]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

Well, I just have my son born and now he is around 7-8 months. At least from my opinion I did not regret because he bring joy and luck to me especially my ecom business as side hustle. Previously I only manage to earn small buck for my ecom business however when my son born and at the sametime I took ecom courses and the sales pick up and it can cover his expenses which I am motivated and that's one of my "why" also to make sure my son got better life compare to the one that I have previously

Some people doesn't like kids and it's fine because it's personal preference and most important things is you and your wife must be happy with the decision you made.

 

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[Mutant]

I intend to have kids because it is the meaning of life, but not before I turn 50.

Make whatever choice suits you, but make an informed choice. Men may not have the same cut off point as women, but an advanced paternal age does increase health risks for the child. Certain cancers, schizophrenia, bipolar, autism, birth defects, miscarriage, etc. Obviously you play the odds at whatever age you have kids, you just play different odds, so it's worth factoring into your decision.

At 26 & 28 though the OP is far from that concern for now.

Wishing healthy children for everyone who opts for parenthood!

 

[farmer79]

I think one of the great underrated parts of MJ’s “Uncripted” are the non financial aspects of his book. You don’t have to have 1.5 kids in your early 30’s and live in the suburbs.

My wife and I have a large family and we love it, there are some amazing benefits and blessings that come from having a house full of kids. (Full disclosure this is tied to our Christian Faith) For example during Covid we have our own chess tournaments lol.

I think it is a mistake to wait until you are essentially rich before you have children. We have always been very frank with our children when it comes to finances, we don’t burden them, but we also explain if we don’t have a good crop, or if the grain prices are really low that we not be able to do something(trip etc.) Being part of a family team embracing something difficult I think makes a family stronger. Waiting until you have all the puzzle pieces put together takes so much away from the journey. I certainly don’t celebrate poverty, but the unscripted journey is so much better with a wife and kids.

Another aspect if you are embracing the unscripted life of entrepreneurship is you’ll get the opportunity to work with your kids. This is a great experience that cannot be replicated any other way. Nothing builds bonds like working together on meaningful work. I never have to tell my kids (although I do) they are valuable or important because they know they are. When my 10 year old goes out, feeds the chickens, collects, and then cooks the eggs she knows she is a contributing member of our household.

And the natural conversations that come while working together could not happen any other way. “Why is Lego so expensive?” That is an hour an everything from Marketing to Quality. And when they are earning their own money watching them make their own decisions, Real Lego or Knockoffs is so fulfilling. There is no right answer but they are talking and thinking about these things.

Here’s a video of our oldest 5 (yes there are more lol) working in our leaf cutter bee operation. (It is online already so I don’t mind to show here.

 

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[Thinh]

I can pack my stuff right now and live wherever in the world I want

Many people here think freedom = ability to pack stuff and go travel around the world on a whim.

My definition of Freedom is not relying on something external to be happy and satisfied.

The mere fact that one thinks not being able to travel anywhere whenever is a deprivation of freedom shows a dependence on that lifestyle, which means they're not free.

We can put things the other way around: you’re so attached to being successful that you’re not free to have kids.

Life is about choices. Real freedom (to me) is being able to make your own choices (which, on a more philosophical note, we’re almost always able to do).

I don’t believe we can truly help OP with our advice. It’s a personal decision they have to make, within their context. All I can recommend is to veer toward the things that scares you, not the one that makes you feel comfortable / safe.

 

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[Deleted78083]

You seem easily scared

When "commitment to other people" is involved, I am hahahahaha

 

[Jamilyna]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

Hi Jon, I think it is great that you are really considering this. I like the rocking chair test. Imagine you are 90 years old and sitting in your rocking chair. How does your life look from this angle? What do you wish you would have done or have not done. It is a great perspective.

We have 3 children who are grown and they are great friends now. They weren't friends growing up as we were always the parents. It is a joyful and challenging job. I have grown as a person so very much more than I ever would have without kids. Now we have 6 grandkids - talk about joy!

At the same time, It is a challenging job - so you really need to want it. Please don't have kids if you aren't sure. They need your full commitment. There is absolutely no shame in not having children.

Best of luck to you and your wife!

 

[NT2]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

I'm glad you're asking this question. More people should consider this soberly (both marriage and children) before doing it. Following society's script should always be either accepted or rejected with thoughtfulness and care.

Of course, no one can tell you what to do, but I'll share potential things to consider, and maybe a little bit about myself:
1) How close are you to achieving your career and entrepreneurial goals? Will it be just a couple more years, or do you see a 5-10 year span as being more likely?
2) Have you talked about who is expected to bear the brunt of the childcare? Can you afford to hire outside help or would you be relying on family, friends, and neighbors?
3) Do you each have your own businesses or is this a joint business? This ties in to #2 - if it's more your business than hers, how involved are you expected to be in the day-to-day?
4) Why do you want children? Have you spent extensive time caring for someone else's children? Is it a FOMO thing, or are you prepared to sacrifice everything for these little people?
5) Compare how you would feel if you had a wonderful family life but a regular job or limited success in business versus every entrepreneurial dream you ever had, but with no family. Which one makes you feel better, more accomplished, more satisfied?
6) Would you still be happy that you had kids if you ended up divorced?
7) Would you consider freezing your wife's eggs if necessary? Can you afford it? (in reality, she has plenty of time, if she's reasonably healthy. My cousin got pregnant naturally at the age of 46 with no problems). Many women these days have children well into their mid and late 30's.
8) Would you still be happy you had kids if one or more of them had special needs?
9) How solid is your marriage? Kids will magnify any cracks in that foundation.

My experience: I did everything super young. I got married at 19 and had my kids at 24 and 25. I got divorced and had to raise my kids via co-parenting with my ex, who re-married and went on to have more kids. Ironically, I was never the type of woman who longed for marriage and children. I'm happy that my kids are my best friends now and we're all young (or young-looking). I have no interest in marriage or raising anyone else's kids. I only want to make money and have a successful career. I have no hindrances now, but I had plenty when they were young. I've wanted to be an entrepreneur forever but had to work mind-numbing corporate jobs because my life was no longer just about me. Now that I'm free, I intend to stay that way.

Best of luck on this sensitive decision!

 

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[sandmountain]

Lots of good responses here. I’m young (late 20s), 3 kids, and in residency for a surgical specialty. Not entrepreneurship like most of you, but still incredibly time consuming. We’ve made it work and it has been incredibly fulfilling. Ever since becoming a parent I’ve felt uncomfortable giving parenting advice - everyone’s situation is unique and any advice I give may/may not work or could even be damaging etc - so I won’t chime in on advice, but just another vote for it’s possible and can be a wonderful blessing in life. That said, here is my one piece of advice (breaking my own rule), don’t have kids to fulfill your life, have them because you are willing to help fulfill their lives. And just like business, there will probably never be a “perfect” time to do it. It will always require sacrifice no matter the stage or net worth in life.

 

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[kommen]

Men don't bear children.

Hahaha sorry, English isn't my first language. I'll just say HAVE children?

 

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[Danny_Cox]

My wife and I (27 & 35 y/o) are often told we'd make good parents, but the only way we can imagine being happy to go ahead is if one or both of us can take on the role full time.

Schools are, largely, a dumpster fire. The idea of bringing a child into the world, only to put it through school, seems cruel and stupid. The education on offer in public systems is woefully out of touch with what a human being actually needs in 2022.

So, we'd want to educate our child/ren ourselves, and not have that be a stress on our own relationship or our finances. If I can figure out a Fastlane within the next 7 years, hopefully my wife will still be good to go. If not, well, we love dogs

 

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[ProcessPro]

What happened? Did you have children?

Something must be wrong with the forum software...NO WAY I posted this in 2020....

OMG...

No we haven't. I haven't gotten around to sitting down and listing my assumptions and addressing them. Once I do, we'll decide whether our relationship has run its course or not. I really need to do this soon.

 

[Arithen]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

My wife and I (both 33) will never have kids (made it official around your age when I got "fixed").

I haven't read any other posts in this thread, however, I'm willing to bet that the majority of the posts will say something along the lines of "my kids are the best thing to ever happen to me, my life is so much more fulfilling now," and coming up around 30% (which would be high, but that's due to the nature of people this forum attracts) of the rest of the posts are about the math and lack of freedom arguments.

The reason behind both of these arguments usually stems from biology. Simply put, some people have a greater sense of self-interest in regards to not having children (nothing wrong with that) and most people have a greater sense of raising a family. We are tuned to breed after all, and there are certain neurochemical releases that the majority of humankind experience even when they're in the vicinity of a baby.

If either your wife or you have even a shred of desire to have a child, do it. You would be the one who falls into the latter category. The one who will feel that fulfillment of having a kid, even if you don't necessarily feel that strong right now.

If self-interest is so high on your list that you would feel chained down by a child, don't have a kid. Most people will probably still enjoy parenthood if they fall under this category, but there will also be a lot of "I wonder how things could have turned out," type thoughts, which can be distressful to some.

And then there's a third category, which my wife and I fall under. We feel so strongly against having kids or being around kids, or anything of the sort, that it is actually difficult being around kids simply because we want to avoid being around them at all costs. For whatever reason, we are just built in a way that we have an extreme aversion to children and families. This is Maternal instinct in the negative.

If you fall under this category, never, EVER, have kids.

That all being said, virtually everyone you meet will pressure you into having kids to some extent, because they can't fathom not having that biological drive. The majority are respectful about it (depending on where you live), but there will usually be some sort of under-breath response like "you'll want them when you're older" or something along those lines.

The key here is to know yourself, block out all the noise from everyone's opinions, and really take a hard look at your own psychology, desires, and needs.

EDIT: I just realized how old this thread was... So, what was the decision?

 

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[Antifragile]

know a couple of adults who were home schooled and they still to this day, regret missing out on a "normal" education. They craved school and you can see the look of not quite sadness, but longing when we're sitting around talking about school days, old crushes, bullies, class clowns, teachers, they missed all of that and they're sad their parents took that route.

The discussion on home schooling vs public schools vs private is a difficult one. There is no one right answer. Recently a few of us "regulars" on this forum got into this debate in the Random thread.

I am closer to you in my own opinion. We all want what is absolutely best for our kids. Entrepreneurs are inventors, somewhat rebellious (being 1% means not behaving like the 99%). And our opinions are strong, we feel we are always right etc. I fall into this category... I want my kid to have resilience, grit, inner strength. With that, brainwashing my kiddo by some idiot at school would be harder. For us that means a private school path... That does not remove ANY responsibility from me as a dad to raise my child. It is 100% my responsibility. I am just leaning into what is available for social development, as you posted above.

That said, some of the things I see recently are truly disturbing. Kids who went to private schools with no drive and depression, drug problems. The life of a wealthy family is fraught with difficulties too, because you can absolutely screw up your kid with too much. Also, woke stuff bothers me. I may be complete idiot when it comes to understanding the mental health challenges kids face these days. I was born white, male, good looking, smart - the genetic lottery winner. It's harder for me to understand racism as a black kid would have in the 80s, 90s or even today. I know none of that. And similarly, being gay was hard enough when I was growing up (most would not come out openly) but today I don't understand the "non-binary" and everyone on LInkedIn posting "he/she/they" pronouns. It's not that I am against any of that, I don't oppose whatever people choose to do in their own lives. It's that I don't want my kiddo learning from some underpaid teacher about something that even as a grown successful entrepreneur adult - I can't fully grasp. I don't want someone's agenda to influence my kid. In that respect, I agree with @Kak for homeschooling argument. Yet, I am not doing that... I seek a better place where other people like me send their kids. Because I worry that I (for all my smarts) may be not enough. Like your posts suggests - it's important to deal with bullies etc. It's part of growth.

And this is where it gets interesting to me to see posts (as some are open about it but most will think it but won't share fearful of being judged). Being "Fastlane" is doing what you want. It's being free. Trying to just define it as money in the bank isn't likely to yield anyone true financial success. That's because in life, there is asymmetry. It's not about the number of hours you work on your business - it is about how much value you add to someone else. You may only work 3 hrs a day and make 10x of your next door neighbour who sent their kids to public school. Meaning, you can do both.

@Danny_Cox stick around. This forum may open your mind.

 

[WillHurtDontCare]

Same. I regret not having ten kids. I only had two and now I'm too old.

If I could go back in time I'd start at 20 and keep having as many as I could.

And I homeschool my kids. They're far from weird and they're super social. Weird comments in here suggesting the only place kids hang out with other kids is school.

Trying to convey what it's like to have children to someone who doesn't is like trying to describe the taste of something someone has never tasted. You have to experience it for yourself.

Very wholesome.

One of the worst things that I've seen today is the plethora of mass psy-ops to convince women that they shouldn't have children. 100% evil.

 

[neoanderson]

it was the best decision of my wife and i’s life.

I’ll type a longer response later but our little one is 2 and can not imagine life without him. You give up certain things for sure, but for us the things we’ve gained are immeasurable.

same here, father of 2 months old

 

[Dianne Cohen]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

Here is the thing...Kids take up a lot of money and time. I now tell my kids, not to have kids until they have a lot of money, or a really strong business/career. It will make a difference. You can do the kids thing while growing your business, but it is more difficult.

So many people I know are always torn between work/business and their kids.

I will say, you are both still young. I had my first at 32 and adopted my second at 43. Having kids when I was older makes me feel more relevant. I know about today's music, what streaming on twitch, etc...You get the idea.

My last thought is that just like anything else, having and raising kids is a lot of work, but for me, it is so worth it.

 

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[Martzee]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

If I could change my past I would go for financial stability and freedom first. Then have kids. You are young and you can have children 10 years later, trust me. Even your wife can have children when she is 36 or 38 years old. It is a great blessing to have a kid or two in your family but what blessing it is when you spend all their best lives at work trying to figure out how to pay the bills, their care, taking them to Disneyland (well, I liked Disneyland more than them, LOL)... My kids are now almost adult (one finishing college, the second will start college next year), and when my wife and I are looking at the pictures of when they were little we feel very sorry that we spent all those years at work trying to end our meets... So, if you can, go for financial freedom first, then have kids.

 

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[SiuLung]

I do think that, generally speaking, you can't possibly know what you're missing out on unless you try it. Not just parenting, but any human experience.

Unfortunately, there's no such thing as "trialing out" parenthood, which is why it's important know if you want it first. Then, if you do, don't let fear hold you back. Just like with anything else.

Totally agree with you on this. You can long for it, wonder what life would be like if you had it, or how things would be different.
And again I agree, don't have kids if you don't want them. The important thing to remember, and I think this applies to almost everything in life, don't do stuff because you're supposed to. Do the stuff you want to do, whatever it is (well, there are some limits obviously).

With respects to raising a dog or mentoring others as a substitute: I have 7 pets and a tank of fish, and mentor people through their careers. I can definitively say that pets and protégés are not even close to being a substitute for children in the human experience.

I can only take your word and the word of others on this subject, as I don't have kids myself. But I believe you.
I know, and fully understand, that having children is something uniquely rewarding. I understand it, but for now I can't grasp it, I may never will if I do not change my mind.

Thank you for your feedback.

 

[Deleted78083]

I'm your age, and the thought of you being married already frightens me.

No one can make this decision for you. It is for you alone to make. I think the main question you should ask yourself is "did I do everything I wanted to do in my life"

There are two reasons for that.

1. Kids eat your time away.
2. It is irresponsible to have kids and not take care of them. That's how people become criminals and it costs a lot to society.

To be fair, I think you are wayyyyyy too young to both being married (I wrote yesterday a 4000-words blog article about 18 reasons to never get married) and have kids.

I intend to have kids because it is the meaning of life, but not before I turn 50. It is because

1. I want to have time for them.
2. I want to be able to afford Harvard for the 6 of them if they want to, and holidays in 5 stars hotels in Singapore.

Children is a lifelong commitment. If you have them now, you'll have them forever.

To me, it's actually insane to have them before 40. But that's me. If you have a fastlane business and are happy with your life as it is, by all means, have kids.

 

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[BizyDad]

What are the most important ways a parent should influence his/her child?

Personally, I focus on instilling values (faith, caring, respect, honesty, and a work ethic), problem solving skills, and critical thinking skills. Oh, and negotiating skills.

The last two mean I have independent children who will question and talk back a bit, which might annoy other parents, so you've been warned.

I feel like if I build the right foundation, they will be able to construct the lives that are most meaningful for them. Hth.

 

[ShepardHumphries]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

A few thoughts ...

• While things social are a "complex" issue, do your best predictions of life over the next 80 years make you want to introduce someone to it? Is the world headed in a good direction?
• Many childless female humans in their mid-30's have a strong urge ... if your wife is already feeling it, will a rational decision now "last" when a probably biological urge surfaces in 7 years?

I think No, and No, however, your worldviews might be different.

My advice would be no. It would take a woman heavily into philosophy, logic, practicality etc... to resist natural urges. If your wife is an engineer who has been mechanically measuring the perfect number of ounces of chicken breast for her pre-planned meals for 999 out of the last 1000 days ... she just might beat the urge! Others? Probably not. In this case, it might be wise to get a 5-10 year jump on the probable inevitable...

 

[Thoelt53]

I love my 3 children, all grown up now.
Irreplaceable.

But if carbon footprint and sustainability are your highest priority then give them a miss!

In the developed world the carbon footprint of a child is roughly 58.6 metric tonnes annually...

The couples rethinking kids because of climate change

In the age of climate crisis, childbearing has become a fraught question for couples around the globe.

www.bbc.com

Choose wisely!

I agree!

If you’re worried about your ‘carbon footprint’ or ‘climate change’ please don’t reproduce.

 

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[Guest-5ty5s4]

Hi, I'm 19 and I'm way too young to give an answer. But I thought this is a very interesting thread that makes me want to ask,

How old do you guys think is too old for a man to have children?

There is no limit.

My grandfather told me a story of an old man he worked for in the 1960’s named Mako (like the shark). He was in his 90’s and he just had a kid with his third wife. She was far younger than him. Mako owned a small oil operation and was still working with his hands when he died. My grandpa admired his machismo... lol

To add to the story, the kid was his sixth. He named him "Six."

 

[Antifragile]

As long as we don't force our opinions on each other, all is good in the world.

100% in agreement. No forcing anything on anyone. But feel free to share any opinion you may have.

 

[Roli]

My wife and I (27 & 35 y/o) are often told we'd make good parents, but the only way we can imagine being happy to go ahead is if one or both of us can take on the role full time.

Schools are, largely, a dumpster fire. The idea of bringing a child into the world, only to put it through school, seems cruel and stupid. The education on offer in public systems is woefully out of touch with what a human being actually needs in 2022.

So, we'd want to educate our child/ren ourselves, and not have that be a stress on our own relationship or our finances. If I can figure out a Fastlane within the next 7 years, hopefully my wife will still be good to go. If not, well, we love dogs

The reality of having a child is way different to the ideal. That whole "educate yourself" thing is so much harder than you think and you'll start to appreciate schools when you try.

Also there is the social aspect, school is important because it teaches you how to form relationships, deal with conflict, work with others and bond.

The more you think about having a child, the less you are likely to actually do it. My advice, just jump in, stop using contraception, don't think about it.

Dogs are great, but they can't speak English and have a limited set of interests!

 

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[Danny_Cox]

I agree with you that the education system is out dated (even private schools from what I've seen) unless you want to go down the STEM route, but I would argue that the social learning (how to interact with other kids from other backgrounds) is something that just couldn't get taught from home school.

The home schooled kids I've met (which is rare) are really odd and always come across autistic and unable to interact socially.

The reality of having a child is way different to the ideal. That whole "educate yourself" thing is so much harder than you think and you'll start to appreciate schools when you try.

Also there is the social aspect, school is important because it teaches you how to form relationships, deal with conflict, work with others and bond.

The more you think about having a child, the less you are likely to actually do it. My advice, just jump in, stop using contraception, don't think about it.

Dogs are great, but they can't speak English and have a limited set of interests!

Granted, I’ve not done any genuine research because we’re nowhere near actually considering having a kid. Just my current perceptions based on 20 years of interacting with families as a music teacher (and visiting schools).

Most parents I know are exhausted. How am I going to meet my Fastlane goals on no sleep? Neither my wife nor I are broody in the slightest right now so it’s entirely a logical decision. (Counter-argument: dependents act as leverage on the necessity to earn money.)

The notion of not giving thought to taking on the biggest responsibility available in the human experience seems bonkers to me.

 

[DayIFly]

I think there are a lot of people showing up to this thread wondering what the unscripted answer is. Is being a parent part of the script? Should I avoid having kids to be unscripted ?

By asking this question, you are asking someone else to write you a script. This question is your’s to answer. Seeking advice of others on this just scriptifies yourself.

You are not subject to other people. Entrepreneurs need to be comfortable making decisions without advisory.

You are the final say. If you aren’t taking that role, you need to or find a different career path.

Underrated post. Meta-cognition at its best.

 

[WillHurtDontCare]

if you're asking yourself about the pros and cons of having children, then don't have them

 

[alexkuzmov]

Hi Fastlaners

My wife and I are trying to decide if to have children. She's 28 and I'm 26, so her remaining children bearing years are limited.

On one hand, we have a vision of a beautiful family and family culture etc. On the other hand, friends are warning that we'd be giving up our lives to take care of another human etc. We already know all this, but...

If you can:

• Share advice/things we should consider
• Share stories about your experiences, the good and bad, the pains and pleasure
• Regrets of having or not having
• If you don't have, do you feel a void? How do you fill it? Is it sufficient?

Please, no condescending responses, or 'you shouldn't have if you're asking this' sort of responses. I'm asking because there's immense value and learning in other perspectives.

Thanks!
Jon.

Do you like kids?
Do you like being around them, playing with them, talking to them? Do you smile and feel happy when you see parents with their kids?
Are you a responsible person?
Do you have your shit together? At 26 you might be too young for kids and she might be too old for you.

It comes down to if you wan to or not.
Choosing the right partner is the most important thing.
Consider their charectar, their family, their behaviour, their health.

Dont worry about the good and the bad.
Youll give up sleeping and you wont feel good for a while. But when its good, its awesome. You cant feel those good feelings without having kids. Its an experience which cant be described, it has to be felt. Same as trying to explain how colors look like to a blind person. It cant be done.

Dont think of regret.
We only regret things that we wanted to do and never did. Think of all the things you never ever want to do because you hate the idea of them. Do you regret not doing them? Or are you glad you didnt do them?

Im not sure about feeling a void.
Maybe some people do feel a void.
Your life will be fuller with kids.
They will be an obstacle and a source of hope.
A challenge and a learning opportunity.
A hindrance and a relief.
A annoyance and entertainment.
A drain for resources and energy and an endless source of motivation.
A constant worry and a constant drive to do better.

 

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[ProcessPro]

Zero regret's no kids and 38.

As a guy don't have the same age pressure for kids as a women would. So would be more important to really see how your wife would feel either way. I do wonder why this hasn't been a topic of discussion before you got married etc.. Some women really don't have that maternal pull and that would be something to consider since traditionally more will be required in your family life from your wife.

I'd say try to think of when you are on your deathbed would you want to look back on a life with having kids and possibly grand kids? Would you look back and regret not having that?

There is a biological programming in all of us on some level to have offspring at some point.

Only thing I'd suggest is if you know you want kids, is to have them as early as possible.

If have kids by 30's they will be in 20's by 50's and you could see grand kids grow up into teens in 70-80's. If wait till late 30's to have kids I think be missing out and be harder. You would be closer to 60's when they are in 20's and 70-80's to see grandkids being born etc..

Like anything there are people who make kids there main life purpose, there are others who make having kids part of there lifes purpose.

Do you ever wonder who you'll have to help you when you get old? I know it sounds a bit selfish, but it's a practical aspect of being elderly, that you need someone trustworthy to help. What are your thoughts on this?

 

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