Getting Further with Understanding How People Perceive You Better

[Gymjunkie]

Hey guys,

one of the things I recently started paying more attention to is how world perceives me. Personal improvement is great but there is a side missing. We read ton of stuff and that helps a bit. But to make lasting improvements and changes it takes time and effort.

Pretty much the only real way to see the results of it, is feedback from other people and how they perceive you. Not how I perceive myself, but how my friends do. Sometimes there is a big disconnect here and I've had surprising replies by people (from good to bad). And I'm confused sometimes why.

Miscommunication is what's happening. One way to learn more about this weakness (or more like being unaware of things and learning them) would be this website, I've used it recently with some people I respect on an entrepreneurial forum. Gave me food feedback. I suggest checking it out and doing it (maybe with your fellow Fastlane members). Works really simple too - I got a link to share with anyone where they can leave annonymous feedback. Annonymous feedback is good because it lets people be more honest as they are usually scared to give honest feedback.

http://brutallyhonest.co/

There are also some good books on the topic, like:

No One Understands You and What to Do About It by Heidi Grant Halvorson - digs deeper and explains how this miscommunication happens.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1625274122/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

or

How the World Sees You by Sally Hogshead - follow up to her great book Fascination Advantage. She's a master at communication and it's a great read.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KFG48A2/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

Would love to learn more if you have read similar books and have done similar things as that website allows to do

 

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[jason91]

Hey guys,

one of the things I recently started paying more attention to is how world perceives me. Personal improvement is great but there is a side missing. We read ton of stuff and that helps a bit. But to make lasting improvements and changes it takes time and effort.

Pretty much the only real way to see the results of it, is feedback from other people and how they perceive you. Not how I perceive myself, but how my friends do. Sometimes there is a big disconnect here and I've had surprising replies by people (from good to bad). And I'm confused sometimes why.

Miscommunication is what's happening. One way to learn more about this weakness (or more like being unaware of things and learning them) would be this website, I've used it recently with some people I respect on an entrepreneurial forum. Gave me food feedback. I suggest checking it out and doing it (maybe with your fellow Fastlane members). Works really simple too - I got a link to share with anyone where they can leave annonymous feedback. Annonymous feedback is good because it lets people be more honest as they are usually scared to give honest feedback.

http://brutallyhonest.co/

There are also some good books on the topic, like:

No One Understands You and What to Do About It by Heidi Grant Halvorson - digs deeper and explains how this miscommunication happens.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1625274122/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

or

How the World Sees You by Sally Hogshead - follow up to her great book Fascination Advantage. She's a master at communication and it's a great read.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KFG48A2/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

Would love to learn more if you have read similar books and have done similar things as that website allows to do

I haven't read many books on the subject but I know people like people who show better parts of themselves - or the traits of someone they want to be. Not everyone will perceive you positively - lets admit it.. People are different - and so are their perceptions.

However, I believe there are general traits that lead to likeability for men - being strong, handsome (if your not just blame your parents), leading others to do better, effective communicator, determined, driven, integrity and honesty, trustworthy, capable, and a lot of other traits.

Look at the people you admire and ask yourself why - then be more like that.

 

[Gymjunkie]

I haven't read many books on the subject but I know people like people who show better parts of themselves - or the traits of someone they want to be. Not everyone will perceive you positively - lets admit it.. People are different - and so are their perceptions.

However, I believe there are general traits that lead to likeability for men - being strong, handsome (if your not just blame your parents), leading others to do better, effective communicator, determined, driven, integrity and honesty, trustworthy, capable, and a lot of other traits.

Look at the people you admire and ask yourself why - then be more like that.

Yeah, not everyone will like you, totally natural...but I'm more looking at the instances where this was caused by myself not by 'other's being haters'. It's easy to think like that but I notice that often it's my own fault..

I'm interested in how the miscommunication happens... it is more with voice tones, even simple small actions can be misread by others. So I may mean good with it but it comes off as bad. Without intention.. like I've had people say 'ah you have this dominant behavour about you''.. yet I always saw myself as more quiet type guy. But dressing in certain way and walking a certain way plus communicating more direct/without reserve, made it look different than what I thought. I underestimated stuff. Or sometimes being quiet and observing as perceived as being 'stuck up' or a**hole, or even creepy.. So learning about that has been interesting and I've been working on that stuff.

That's where I like that Brutal Honesty stuff... you can ask close people and have them tell your 'rough spots'. Wasn't the easiest thing to do but wasn't bad at all. Didn't get bad intention comments at all, more caring ones only.

 

[Kingmaker]

You don't necessarily need other people to tell you what you're lacking in. You just have to be brutally honest with yourself. Through a technique of self-reflection:

In a nutshell you take 5 minutes at the end of your day to analyze your day. This can be done either by major events or broken down hourly. While it sounds simple, it's F*cking hard. I think the brain is wired to just move on and protect you from going insane, rather than ruthlessly examine mistakes.


Ex.: You have a business meeting. You F*ck it up. It doesn't yield the result you wanted. Ask yourself:

- What did I do wrong (actions)?
- Why did I do it (which emotions led me astray)?
- Was there anything external that led me to making the mistake (having a bad day, shitty diet etc)?
- How can I avoid making this same mistake?
- What am I going to do different in the same situation in the future?*
*This part is critical. If you keep it honest on why you failed, and actually do something different next time, eventually you simply run out of reasons to fail.

You'll be surprised how many people don't do anything like this and make the same mistakes over and over and over again.


Tl;dr: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein

 

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[jason91]

Yeah, not everyone will like you, totally natural...but I'm more looking at the instances where this was caused by myself not by 'other's being haters'. It's easy to think like that but I notice that often it's my own fault..

I'm interested in how the miscommunication happens... it is more with voice tones, even simple small actions can be misread by others. So I may mean good with it but it comes off as bad. Without intention.. like I've had people say 'ah you have this dominant behavour about you''.. yet I always saw myself as more quiet type guy. But dressing in certain way and walking a certain way plus communicating more direct/without reserve, made it look different than what I thought. I underestimated stuff. Or sometimes being quiet and observing as perceived as being 'stuck up' or a**hole, or even creepy.. So learning about that has been interesting and I've been working on that stuff.

That's where I like that Brutal Honesty stuff... you can ask close people and have them tell your 'rough spots'. Wasn't the easiest thing to do but wasn't bad at all. Didn't get bad intention comments at all, more caring ones only.

Eh.. well I personally don't feel crappy if others FEEL that I'm stuck up or a**hole or whatever lol. Because I know I'm not - there's a difference between character and perceptions and I think it's more important to build your character. Character will show in the long run where perception falls short.

But it's true what you're saying.. people do perceive your actions in a different way than you intend. It's good to be aware of your voice tones and how you may come off to others. I don't mean others being haters, just that generally people are different. Assertiveness may turn off one group of people, but another group can admire it. Just these things - For example Robert Herjavec said in a recent interview that he didn't get along with Mark Cuban at first because Mark was pushy - it's not bad or good people, just differences in character.

 

[Gymjunkie]

You don't necessarily need other people to tell you what you're lacking in. You just have to be brutally honest with yourself. Through a technique of self-reflection:

In a nutshell you take 5 minutes at the end of your day to analyze your day. This can be done either by major events or broken down hourly. While it sounds simple, it's F*cking hard. I think the brain is wired to just move on and protect you from going insane, rather than ruthlessly examine mistakes.


Ex.: You have a business meeting. You F*ck it up. It doesn't yield the result you wanted. Ask yourself:

- What did I do wrong (actions)?
- Why did I do it (which emotions led me astray)?
- Was there anything external that led me to making the mistake (having a bad day, shitty diet etc)?
- How can I avoid making this same mistake?
- What am I going to do different in the same situation in the future?*
*This part is critical. If you keep it honest on why you failed, and actually do something different next time, eventually you simply run out of reasons to fail.

You'll be surprised how many people don't do anything like this and make the same mistakes over and over and over again.


Tl;dr: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein

I love self-reflection, asking questions is what I love and it works. Not doing it daily in a structured sense but apply it on events that matter most. But it still doesn't do everything. I don't think you can progress without feedback and feedback is only got from outside.

As you say, it can be most often your fault - but if you have the wrong frame of reference, then you may reflect all you want, you would still come up with wrong conclusions likely. That's what I'm trying to protect against. Getting outside perspective is more important. Doesn't mean I have to accept it, but it's good to hear. Maybe it is me having wrong frame of reference.

P.S. I appreciate the comments! Great discussion. I may be wrong or not. Good to talk these things and see ideas.

 

[Gymjunkie]

Eh.. well I personally don't feel crappy if others FEEL that I'm stuck up or a**hole or whatever lol. Because I know I'm not - there's a difference between character and perceptions and I think it's more important to build your character. Character will show in the long run where perception falls short.

But it's true what you're saying.. people do perceive your actions in a different way than you intend. It's good to be aware of your voice tones and how you may come off to others. I don't mean others being haters, just that generally people are different. Assertiveness may turn off one group of people, but another group can admire it. Just these things - For example Robert Herjavec said in a recent interview that he didn't get along with Mark Cuban at first because Mark was pushy - it's not bad or good people, just differences in character.

True that. Definitely this shouldn't be coming from 'approval seeking' POV, but from curiousity. I mean, person has to be strong enough to take feedback. And taking it doesn't mean it has to be internalized, just has to be considered, judged and if more people are saying it, then it might be the right feedback.
That's how I see it..

 

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[Lioness11]

So there are several sides to this- life is multi-faceted afterall. I think how other's perceive you really comes down to who's doing the perceiving. If some a**hole living paycheck to paycheck is telling me that I'm a cocky, know-it-all during a conversation with friends about time management, his perception of me couldn't matter less. I'm getting shit done and he's complaining. His perception of me reflects his his own insecurities and internal voice. If my Mom doesn't like my parenting style, I laugh it off.

The way people perceive you will impact your life... it will also impact you wants to buy from you or work with you. But I think the key is to continue to focus inward. Will you be egotistical prick if you're taking responsibility for your life and valuing yourself? Probably not. You'll probably be a pretty relatable person without much effort. And people can think/say what they want.

Not everyone is gonna like you and 90% of the time that's their problem. I've had a really hard time with this for as long as I can remember. I used to skate for a roller derby team and wanted to be elected as the team captain for the year. As I was campaigning my friends kept telling me to be more relatable- to make them think that I care- to play the politics game. It's not me, it never has been. I continued to speak up against what I believed was wrong no matter who got mad about it. I lost the election, I kept my integrity.


I also look back on that time and through some deep reflection and work I can honestly say there were sometimes I was perceived negatively and I totally get it. I move forward and change my perceptions, my actions follow suit.

 

[Deleted20833]

Before you ask for someones opinion...you have to ask yourself if this persons opinions are worth a damn.

This is how I deal with feedback from people who haven't done anything in their life

https://soundcloud.com/royfm/howard-stern-this-is-how-to

 

[Gymjunkie]

Before you ask for someones opinion...you have to ask yourself if this persons opinions are worth a damn.

This is how I deal with feedback from people who haven't done anything in their life

https://soundcloud.com/royfm/howard-stern-this-is-how-to

Well that's pretty obvious point.. that site let's you send a link. You send a link to chosen people. Don't have to everyone..
Then again, you can get honest feedback from strangers too..

 

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[Gymjunkie]

So there are several sides to this- life is multi-faceted afterall. I think how other's perceive you really comes down to who's doing the perceiving. If some a**hole living paycheck to paycheck is telling me that I'm a cocky, know-it-all during a conversation with friends about time management, his perception of me couldn't matter less. I'm getting shit done and he's complaining. His perception of me reflects his his own insecurities and internal voice. If my Mom doesn't like my parenting style, I laugh it off.

The way people perceive you will impact your life... it will also impact you wants to buy from you or work with you. But I think the key is to continue to focus inward. Will you be egotistical prick if you're taking responsibility for your life and valuing yourself? Probably not. You'll probably be a pretty relatable person without much effort. And people can think/say what they want.

Not everyone is gonna like you and 90% of the time that's their problem. I've had a really hard time with this for as long as I can remember. I used to skate for a roller derby team and wanted to be elected as the team captain for the year. As I was campaigning my friends kept telling me to be more relatable- to make them think that I care- to play the politics game. It's not me, it never has been. I continued to speak up against what I believed was wrong no matter who got mad about it. I lost the election, I kept my integrity.


I also look back on that time and through some deep reflection and work I can honestly say there were sometimes I was perceived negatively and I totally get it. I move forward and change my perceptions, my actions follow suit.

Mostly agree. I do know that sometimes even people who are your 'haters' do tell good feedback. Exactly because they hate you lol It's your own need to then judge the context. Sometimes I had to admit, well this dude hates me but he's right... haha

 

[Lioness11]

Mostly agree. I do know that sometimes even people who are your 'haters' do tell good feedback. Exactly because they hate you lol It's your own need to then judge the context. Sometimes I had to admit, well this dude hates me but he's right... haha

Totally. I see your point. But let's take that a bit further. You agree with him, this guys hates me but he's right about __________. Now what? You've heard something that resonates with you. Do you just stop doing/being _______?

I see what you're saying. Other people's perceptions can be great mirrors of our inner insecurities. But the answer isn't "change how you're acting" it's change your mind about _____________. If someone is your 'hater' that's a whole lot of energy directed at someone else... that seems like a HUGE waste of time for me and it's highly unlikely I'm going to consider what someone who wastes time like that says.


I guess I need more clarity as to someone giving good feedback because they hate you. Hate doesn't seem terribly constructive to me, just a response to fear.

 

[Gymjunkie]

Totally. I see your point. But let's take that a bit further. You agree with him, this guys hates me but he's right about __________. Now what? You've heard something that resonates with you. Do you just stop doing/being _______?

I see what you're saying. Other people's perceptions can be great mirrors of our inner insecurities. But the answer isn't "change how you're acting" it's change your mind about _____________. If someone is your 'hater' that's a whole lot of energy directed at someone else... that seems like a HUGE waste of time for me and it's highly unlikely I'm going to consider what someone who wastes time like that says.


I guess I need more clarity as to someone giving good feedback because they hate you. Hate doesn't seem terribly constructive to me, just a response to fear.

Well, by 'hate' you can use example of a couple fighting and in the heat of moment he or she throws a comment that is rough. Most of often it's true but then is followed by 'oh I didn't mean to say it, it was just me being mad' etc.

Also, I think it's kind of related to 'Projections' we love other people's qualities that we have not brought out in ourselves and we 'hate' the qualities in others that we don't like in ourselves. So practically, if a hater does see a bad quality and hates it, he hates it with a reason.

And what if hater is right? Well, you gotta take in more feedback, from others too. Often you may have had observed that same criticism in yourself already.. it is just being confirmed.. other times it's just to be taken as 'data point'.. no rash decisions need to be made, but maybe it will get brought up in future etc...

Hope that makes sense!

 

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[Lioness11]

Well, by 'hate' you can use example of a couple fighting and in the heat of moment he or she throws a comment that is rough. Most of often it's true but then is followed by 'oh I didn't mean to say it, it was just me being mad' etc.

Also, I think it's kind of related to 'Projections' we love other people's qualities that we have not brought out in ourselves and we 'hate' the qualities in others that we don't like in ourselves. So practically, if a hater does see a bad quality and hates it, he hates it with a reason.

And what if hater is right? Well, you gotta take in more feedback, from others too. Often you may have had observed that same criticism in yourself already.. it is just being confirmed.. other times it's just to be taken as 'data point'.. no rash decisions need to be made, but maybe it will get brought up in future etc...

Hope that makes sense!

So sometimes... when someone hates you... that doesn't mean they're wrong about __________. So that's an opportunity to gain self awareness. Is that what you mean?


"If a hater sees a bad quality in us, and hates it, he hates it with a reason" from your explanation, the reason is that he hates those qualities because he has that quality himself. Which sounds a lot more like his problem than mine.


If something says something negative about you, and it resonates with you, then that's an opportunity to gain self awareness and better yourself. I think we're losing focus on the original question though, which isn't the haters, it's people's collective perception of us.


If people as a collective dislike you, there's a reason- its not random. Check yourself. The thing is that emotionally aware people who take responsibility for their actions are only disliked by people who have their own BS and like to project it everywhere else.

I agree with you.. data point, confirmation of a current belief... very true. I guess what I'm trying to say is that being obsessive about other people's perceptions of you is a long, slippery slope into mediocrity. Many people are going to put you down because most people feel like shit. Seriously, MOST people feel like shit and live miserably.

 

[Kingmaker]

https://soundcloud.com/royfm/howard-stern-this-is-how-to

LOL. That was the most boss response ever.

"I figure out what to do by...me." Words to live by.

 

[Gymjunkie]

So sometimes... when someone hates you... that doesn't mean they're wrong about __________. So that's an opportunity to gain self awareness. Is that what you mean?


"If a hater sees a bad quality in us, and hates it, he hates it with a reason" from your explanation, the reason is that he hates those qualities because he has that quality himself. Which sounds a lot more like his problem than mine.


If something says something negative about you, and it resonates with you, then that's an opportunity to gain self awareness and better yourself. I think we're losing focus on the original question though, which isn't the haters, it's people's collective perception of us.


If people as a collective dislike you, there's a reason- its not random. Check yourself. The thing is that emotionally aware people who take responsibility for their actions are only disliked by people who have their own BS and like to project it everywhere else.

I agree with you.. data point, confirmation of a current belief... very true. I guess what I'm trying to say is that being obsessive about other people's perceptions of you is a long, slippery slope into mediocrity. Many people are going to put you down because most people feel like shit. Seriously, MOST people feel like shit and live miserably.

I use haters as extreme example that ALL people can give good feedback if you're open to it. If you can 'take it'. Even haters who some say, can't give good feedback. They can. Avoiding feedback and just taking feedback from 'safe people' is running from it. Strong person can listen to anyone's feedback.

Many people do live miserable lives, alto I don't think most mean to put you down. I don't have too much of that. Just some. Others don't really care at all.

But yeah, there is no need to be obssessed. But using that Brutal Honesty site once a year or even just once is good. Send it to people who you trust and that's it. No obsession there..

So we're pretty much in agreement!

 

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[Charmander]

https://soundcloud.com/royfm/howard-stern-this-is-how-to

Most people who give feedback are stupid anyway - don´t listen to feedback advice is good, because most of the time it´s just stupid people running their mouth anyway.

But of course it should not be completely ignored...

 

[dirk.wert.3]

Hey guys,

one of the things I recently started paying more attention to is how world perceives me. Personal improvement is great but there is a side missing. We read ton of stuff and that helps a bit. But to make lasting improvements and changes it takes time and effort.

Pretty much the only real way to see the results of it, is feedback from other people and how they perceive you. Not how I perceive myself, but how my friends do. Sometimes there is a big disconnect here and I've had surprising replies by people (from good to bad). And I'm confused sometimes why.

Miscommunication is what's happening. One way to learn more about this weakness (or more like being unaware of things and learning them) would be this website, I've used it recently with some people I respect on an entrepreneurial forum. Gave me food feedback. I suggest checking it out and doing it (maybe with your fellow Fastlane members). Works really simple too - I got a link to share with anyone where they can leave annonymous feedback. Annonymous feedback is good because it lets people be more honest as they are usually scared to give honest feedback.

http://brutallyhonest.co/

There are also some good books on the topic, like:

No One Understands You and What to Do About It by Heidi Grant Halvorson - digs deeper and explains how this miscommunication happens.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1625274122/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

or

How the World Sees You by Sally Hogshead - follow up to her great book Fascination Advantage. She's a master at communication and it's a great read.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00KFG48A2/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20

Would love to learn more if you have read similar books and have done similar things as that website allows to do

Check out The Art of Charm podcast by Jordan harbinger while its centered around dating their toolboxes will help you more than any book could. Their actually how I found the TMF though I don't remember how anymore.

 

[Gymjunkie]

Check out The Art of Charm podcast by Jordan harbinger while its centered around dating their toolboxes will help you more than any book could. Their actually how I found the TMF though I don't remember how anymore.

Actually have heard lame stuff about the guy... never resonated.. hmmm... What he's advocating?

 

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[dirk.wert.3]

Actually have heard lame stuff about the guy... never resonated.. hmmm... What he's advocating?

One thing he talks about which I thought was crazy at first is "do you really know how to walk?" It sounds crazy but the truth is your walk says something about you.
A veteran years after his service still has that proud strong walk and you can tell he was a marine. Walking down the street you can tell the difference between the confident person and the unconfident the happy and the depressed. Walk into a club or a social event and people will read you off the bat by how walk without even noticing it and decide whether or not to get to know you.
They suggest that you think about it for a second while your walking what does my walk say about me.
Won't really help you business wise but that's the first thing that I thought.

 

[dirk.wert.3]

The thing to remember is that copywriting also applies to you not just your products.

 

[Gymjunkie]

The thing to remember is that copywriting also applies to you not just your products.

Haha that's very true when you think of it!

 

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[RogueInnovation]

What is your goal here? In concrete terms for business? Who are you trying to improve your relationships with?
Investors - be action oriented, have results, don't have dumb ideas
An audience - authenticity, be likeable, and engaging
A peer - don't have weird views on how you deserve everything and everyone is secretly the enemy
An employee - develop countermeasures for conflict and show respect before expecting it
Strangers - be an open person and ask people about themselves