Fiance is calling my business "his/our" business, threatening to sue me

[MJ DeMarco]

Well no, but sort of. He would often block my exit of the house when I would try to leave during a fight. Once during a fight he tried to get the bag out of my hand. He yanked it and it broke my fingers. I did have to have surgery.

Yikes...

So yes, he is both emotionally and physically abusive. What a toolbag.

Moving on won't be easy in the short term, but it will be the best thing you've ever done in your life.

You've already proven you can be an independent strong woman. You don't need this azzwipe to validate your self-worth. GTFO.

 

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[Roli]

I think abuse is a strong word for a guy that’s just a douche. People throw that word around a lot.

This is true of today's society, however if you are telling someone how worthless they are on a regular basis, and you are doing that in order to manipulate a situation to your advantage, that is mental abuse.

If you screw around on your pregnant wife that's cheating, if you do it with the neighbour, that is mental abuse.

These are just two examples of how he has been mentally abusive to the OP and his ex-wife, there are more in this thread and I'm sure many more outside it.

 

[Justin Cantley]

If you stay with this guy, your business (as well as your physical and mental health) will fail. There is no doubt in my mind about that. If your goal is to be a successful entrepreneur, then get out of this toxic relationship and work towards conquering your goals.

 

[Lauryn]

Is this really a boy that you want to marry, spend the rest of your life with, be your business partner and possible father your potential children?

If you stay with this guy, your business (as well as your physical and mental health) will fail. There is no doubt in my mind about that. If your goal is to be a successful entrepreneur, then get out of this toxic relationship and work towards conquering your goals.

Confession Time.

I am a young, heterosexual woman under 35 woman living in the contiguous US. I joined this forum 5 years ago, and was just going through this phase where I wanted and needed a relationship, especially after a trying divorce.

For the record, my ex husband and I are still friends, and I think we're better that way, so I refuse to demonize him.

That being said, I remember posting on here about dating, relationships, and building my path to the Fastlane. I remember specifically feeling worried that a woman like me, who was discovering how to disrupt my attachment to financial dependence, would have trouble finding a spouse who:

• would love me for me
• would encourage my Fastlane mentality
• would be able to keep up with or surpass my success
• would (potentially) uplevel and grow me in some powerful areas
• wouldn't make me feel undesirable for being independent
• would be open to marriage, kids, etc - doing things our way

I felt it was so impossible because I had dated too many men who spoke of the desire to be the "head of household," but they couldn't even pay the F*cking light bill. No these men never lived with me, but by themselves, I just kept seeing the ambition speak yet never realize in their actions.

MJ and others specifically said not to worry about a relationship. I didn't want to build alone, so I resisted this, but the more I dated, the less things worked out for me. BUT I can't lie - they were RIGHT.

Eventually, I put all that outward focus on myself, and built my publishing game up a bit. I learned about my inadequacies, and realized they were mostly perceived because women are often told we aren't enough and that we aren't as smart as a man in certain areas.

We're also told not to outshine the men we're with so we dumb ourselves down, until we learn not to - often with the help of strong men who refuse to let us ignore our value. (Like many of the men in this thread telling the original poster to stop selling herself short.)

Life came at me fast, and although I wasn't looking, I did meet a guy. I was truly, deeply in over my head with him. He wasn't what I was looking for, and he caught me off guard, because he seemed to be "that guy" who checked off all the right boxes.

Until he didn't.

I made so many excuses for this person, and ignored so much that I spent my energy trying to supplement his character flaws and BEING by trying to fill those gaps and cracks in. I eventually made myself believe I was the one who needed to change, to entice him to DO and BE better for himself, and for the "us" he would fight for when I put my foot down. And yes he would beg and plead to keep us together, because I was just a safety net that kept him enabled.

But one day I broke inside, and I couldn't hold on if I TRIED. I was crushed.

It took catching up with him, after our breakup, and seeing him in his undisturbed element, to realize I should have never bent my wings to curttail my elevation on the account of him "waking up" and changing one day.

I was in the Desert of Desertion AGAIN.

And I was angry, so angry with God and the Universe (yes, I'm a little woowoo-spiritual), because I was specific about not wanting any man near me to waste my time.

But I remembered, this time around, even when I miss him (it happens), that if he was who the F*ck he said he was, we wouldn't be living separate lives. We would have been together, because he would have stood up to his commitments to himself and he would have invested in acquiring mastery of HIS integrity.

Life is short, and while true beauty never dies, our sexuality, energy, vitality, ambition, and feminine charge doesn't need to be wasted on any man who refuses to step up and be his highest, biggest, best self -- and scars you to keep you subdued to his liking.

@legaljanie I don't know your life, your appearance, or your story. But I know you like the fact that this man looks GOOD on paper and to public appearances. He's a sexy motherfucka with money, charisma, and possibly an insane sex drive that can make you cum all night.

Regardless, he belittles your ideas, tries to take financial and intellectual credit for your successes, and shows signs of being both entitled and threatened to your capital gains - because he literally fears YOU doing (nasty little) things to him that he has done to the women he's claimed to love and commit to his whole life.

Listen, he needs help. He sounds like a gaslighting, narcissistic, sociopath - - and no amount of charm, money, sex, promises of a life together, and good looks can change that. Hell, I would even check to see if he has Borderline Personality disorder - google it. He's very black and white, and has a temper, which are flags for me.

You've already said you are taking steps to leave him, and if you do - good. I honestly feel men give better relationship advice than women, because they get straight to the point whereas women will try to explain away his bullshit behavior.

You do not want to look back 20 years from now and regret not allowing yourself to be successful, with or without him, his threats to leave or not marry you, are really designed to control you and make you stay.

Look at him as a sign of what you can have. The same way I was in love with my hunky, muscular, caramel-toned, ex... even though he wouldn't change his mentality and get off the couch LITERALLY when life came at him... was the same way I could love someone else.

I've slow burned, mourned, and pushed myself away from something I KNEW jeopardized my highest Fastlane (and overall) potential...

... and believe it or not, am currently dating someone who is WAY better. Best of all, I was so jaded and done with the "average" mentality, that I was so guarded that I wouldn't be bothered. This current man couldn't come to the table with anything LESS than my private basic requirements, and several DEMONSTRATIONS of ambition and drive IN ACTION.

He's handsome, healthy, focused, driven, and opens my mind. We talk about goals daily and pursue them together. He's made sweeping changes for the better - OF HIS OWN VOLITION - in his personal life, business life, and circle, because he has someone to discuss ideas with. We recently went into business TOGETHER without either of us talking down on our skills.

He's naturally EVERYTHING I think I was looking for - and forward to - with the last guy (and previous relationships) - except different and better in unexpected ways. And as long as I keep MYSELF and my goals first, he knows I only have room to accept those who 1,000% support me, or nothing at all.

Again, life is short, and you only live once. Don't waste your pretty, your intellect, your ambition, or your time and other assets trying to justify someone who would literally drain you dry and attempt to take everything you have to give, just to use you up because their selfish, arrogant, asinine needs piss on your genuine goals and ambition.

He will need/miss you long before you need/miss him once your heart heals.

Focus on your developments... and let the right man fall into your life and demonstrate his value.



PS This is applicable for men too... but I am speaking from a woman's perspective to a woman. I feel like women get intimidated or fearful of blowing all the way up because immature men and women give us this idea we can have success, or love but not both. It's all whatever YOU want as long as you focus on your big life goals and personal development first.

Thanks for coming to my TEDTalk.

 

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[The Abundant Man]

Confession Time.

I am a young, heterosexual woman under 35 woman living in the contiguous US. I joined this forum 5 years ago, and was just going through this phase where I wanted and needed a relationship, especially after a trying divorce.

For the record, my ex husband and I are still friends, and I think we're better that way, so I refuse to demonize him.

That being said, I remember posting on here about dating, relationships, and building my path to the Fastlane. I remember specifically feeling worried that a woman like me, who was discovering how to disrupt my attachment to financial dependence, would have trouble finding a spouse who:

• would love me for me
• would encourage my Fastlane mentality
• would be able to keep up with or surpass my success
• would (potentially) uplevel and grow me in some powerful areas
• wouldn't make me feel undesirable for being independent
• would be open to marriage, kids, etc - doing things our way

I felt it was so impossible because I had dated too many men who spoke of the desire to be the "head of household," but they couldn't even pay the f*cking light bill. No these men never lived with me, but by themselves, I just kept seeing the ambition speak yet never realize in their actions.

MJ and others specifically said not to worry about a relationship. I didn't want to build alone, so I resisted this, but the more I dated, the less things worked out for me. BUT I can't lie - they were RIGHT.

Eventually, I put all that outward focus on myself, and built my publishing game up a bit. I learned about my inadequacies, and realized they were mostly perceived because women are often told we aren't enough and that we aren't as smart as a man in certain areas.

We're also told not to outshine the men we're with so we dumb ourselves down, until we learn not to - often with the help of strong men who refuse to let us ignore our value. (Like many of the men in this thread telling the original poster to stop selling herself short.)

Life came at me fast, and although I wasn't looking, I did meet a guy. I was truly, deeply in over my head with him. He wasn't what I was looking for, and he caught me off guard, because he seemed to be "that guy" who checked off all the right boxes.

Until he didn't.

I made so many excuses for this person, and ignored so much that I spent my energy trying to supplement his character flaws and BEING by trying to fill those gaps and cracks in. I eventually made myself believe I was the one who needed to change, to entice him to DO and BE better for himself, and for the "us" he would fight for when I put my foot down. And yes he would beg and plead to keep us together, because I was just a safety net that kept him enabled.

But one day I broke inside, and I couldn't hold on if I TRIED. I was crushed.

It took catching up with him, after our breakup, and seeing him in his undisturbed element, to realize I should have never bent my wings to curttail my elevation on the account of him "waking up" and changing one day.

I was in the Desert of Desertion AGAIN.

And I was angry, so angry with God and the Universe (yes, I'm a little woowoo-spiritual), because I was specific about not wanting any man near me to waste my time.

But I remembered, this time around, even when I miss him (it happens), that if he was who the f*ck he said he was, we wouldn't be living separate lives. We would have been together, because he would have stood up to his commitments to himself and he would have invested in acquiring mastery of HIS integrity.

Life is short, and while true beauty never dies, our sexuality, energy, vitality, ambition, and feminine charge doesn't need to be wasted on any man who refuses to step up and be his highest, biggest, best self -- and scars you to keep you subdued to his liking.

@legaljanie I don't know your life, your appearance, or your story. But I know you like the fact that this man looks GOOD on paper and to public appearances. He's a sexy motherfucka with money, charisma, and possibly an insane sex drive that can make you cum all night.

Regardless, he belittles your ideas, tries to take financial and intellectual credit for your successes, and shows signs of being both entitled and threatened to your capital gains - because he literally fears YOU doing (nasty little) things to him that he has done to the women he's claimed to love and commit to his whole life.

Listen, he needs help. He sounds like a gaslighting, narcissistic, sociopath - - and no amount of charm, money, sex, promises of a life together, and good looks can change that. Hell, I would even check to see if he has Borderline Personality disorder - google it. He's very black and white, and has a temper, which are flags for me.

You've already said you are taking steps to leave him, and if you do - good. I honestly feel men give better relationship advice than women, because they get straight to the point whereas women will try to explain away his bullshit behavior.

You do not want to look back 20 years from now and regret not allowing yourself to be successful, with or without him, his threats to leave or not marry you, are really designed to control you and make you stay.

Look at him as a sign of what you can have. The same way I was in love with my hunky, muscular, caramel-toned, ex... even though he wouldn't change his mentality and get off the couch LITERALLY when life came at him... was the same way I could love someone else.

I've slow burned, mourned, and pushed myself away from something I KNEW jeopardized my highest Fastlane (and overall) potential...

... and believe it or not, am currently dating someone who is WAY better. Best of all, I was so jaded and done with the "average" mentality, that I was so guarded that I wouldn't be bothered. This current man couldn't come to the table with anything LESS than my private basic requirements, and several DEMONSTRATIONS of ambition and drive IN ACTION.

He's handsome, healthy, focused, driven, and opens my mind. We talk about goals daily and pursue them together. He's made sweeping changes for the better - OF HIS OWN VOLITION - in his personal life, business life, and circle, because he has someone to discuss ideas with. We recently went into business TOGETHER without either of us talking down on our skills.

He's naturally EVERYTHING I think I was looking for - and forward to - with the last guy (and previous relationships) - except different and better in unexpected ways. And as long as I keep MYSELF and my goals first, he knows I only have room to accept those who 1,000% support me, or nothing at all.

Again, life is short, and you only live once. Don't waste your pretty, your intellect, your ambition, or your time and other assets trying to justify someone who would literally drain you dry and attempt to take everything you have to give, just to use you up because their selfish, arrogant, asinine needs piss on your genuine goals and ambition.

He will need/miss you long before you need/miss him once your heart heals.

Focus on your developments... and let the right man fall into your life and demonstrate his value.



PS This is applicable for men too... but I am speaking from a woman's perspective to a woman. I feel like women get intimidated or fearful of blowing all the way up because immature men and women give us this idea we can have success, or love but not both. It's all whatever YOU want as long as you focus on your big life goals and personal development first.

Thanks for coming to my TEDTalk.

Thanks for being vulnerable and putting yourself out there.

 

[The Abundant Man]

What happened to legaljanie?

 

[MTEE1985]

I’m going to put this out there with the hope of being proven wrong by @legaljanie but my guess is: still with him and has allowed him a stake in the business. In which case we will never hear from her again.

Again, I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

 

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[The Abundant Man]

I’m going to put this out there with the hope of being proven wrong by @legaljanie but my guess is: still with him and has allowed him a stake in the business. In which case we will never hear from her again.

Again, I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

Stockholm Syndrome...

 

[legaljanie]

Thanks for asking about me. I M still here. I’m working to extricate myself from this ... this week.

It’s a long story but i didn’t even have my own car. I had rough credit from my divorce and he didn’t want to pay extra interest (at the time he was in control of all of my income and all money) and he put “my car” in his name only. When he left me over a year ago...despite fact I was paying for all payments and maintenance...he demanded it back it ge would report it stolen.

Soooo.... this time I am smart. I got a car in my own name this week. He has no idea yet. But, I’m getting fully prepared to walk away and not have any ties or be without a vehicle.

This is very hard. Life will soon be very different and it’s scary to be alone. But I’m trying very hard.

Stockholm Syndrome...

Stockholm Syndrome...

 

[Lauryn]

Proud of you for taking your first steps to extricating yourself and stepping away strategically @legaljanie

 

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[arfadugus]

but he’s a very good looking…surgeon.






\\\

Ah Les we found it.

 

[The Abundant Man]

Ah Les we found it.

I may not be a surgeon but yes I am good looking. I agree.

"Frankly, my dear...I don't give a damn."-Gone With The Wind

 

[loop101]

Thanks for asking about me. I M still here. I’m working to extricate myself from this ... this week.

It’s a long story but i didn’t even have my own car. I had rough credit from my divorce and he didn’t want to pay extra interest (at the time he was in control of all of my income and all money) and he put “my car” in his name only. When he left me over a year ago...despite fact I was paying for all payments and maintenance...he demanded it back it ge would report it stolen.

Soooo.... this time I am smart. I got a car in my own name this week. He has no idea yet. But, I’m getting fully prepared to walk away and not have any ties or be without a vehicle.

This is very hard. Life will soon be very different and it’s scary to be alone. But I’m trying very hard.

Hearing that you are leaving him is good news. Do you have a family, church, or support system? I would imagine there are organizations that exist to help women leaving bad relationships. Here is one:

https://www.thehotline.org

 

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[rogue synthetic]

@legaljanie Two books I would highly recommend:

https://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828?tag=wwwwarriorsof-20

There is tremendous insight in recognizing traits in those near you. 1 in 25 people have sociopathic tendencies. Like all of us, they learn to 'adapt' to get what they want. I am not saying your fiance' is sociopathic, but it helps to become aware for your growth in the future.

https://www.amazon.com/Life-Code-Rules-Real-World-ebook/dp/B00BBHV97O?tag=wwwwarriorsof-20

Lessons to learn on dealing with people, relationships, and those that try to take advantage...

If one is around sick people long enough; they become sick themselves.

Get away.
Get well.
And get strong.

Good luck.

This is great advice. I am routinely floored by how often people fall for obviously manipulative and abusive people, and it's been a life-long interest of mine as to why and how this kind of dynamic comes up between people. It isn't just in romantic relationships either. People in general (at least speaking of your average Westerner) tend to fall somewhere between mildly credulous to completely gullible about the motives of other people.

Now that needs to be qualified. I don't mean you should mistrust everyone, or give nobody the benefit of the doubt. You can take this too far, and not everyone is a legitimate sociopath. But it is telling how many people actually cannot see when someone is using them... or how easily it is for emotional connections to blind us to what we should otherwise see.

I don't think this is a solution, mind you, because "more education" is rarely the answer when you're dealing with deeper feelings and motivations. But it's better than going into battle totally unarmed, believing that all people are genuinely good and well-meaning rather than the crooked timber we are.