Hi! Good on you for sharing this, it does take a lot of courage.
I have struggled with serious depression and anxiety in the past. I have been officially diagnosed with OCD and generalized anxiety, and I was told that I need to take medication (SSRIs, antipsychotics) and that these conditions are not treatable, just manageable. The pills made it better in the sense that you could no longer feel pain. But then, neither did you feel any joy. You just felt... blank.
Anyway, this happened when I was in University, probably with the biggest intensity in years 2-3. It affected my studies, and it affected the one business I was running. For my business, I was lucky that I had a partner back then, and for my studies, well, I managed to survive, but I did fail one exam.
Suffice to say that today (I am 26), I am a very robust person, and rarely experience debilitating anxiety, and not for long nowadays. OCD is, for the most part, completely gone (this is despite the fact that most people would say it's impossible to cure it...). I would classify myself as quite daring in fact. I sometimes do feel the blues, but never for long.
So I'm saying this just to tell you that it is possible to completely change the way you experience the world. And I will add one more thing: you are very young. You are finding your place in the world, and it is quite normal for people your age to deal with these feelings. I'm not a psychiatrist, nor a psychologist for that matter, but I don't think this in itself is wrong.
If, however, you find that you engage in behaviours that are harmful to yourself (cutting yourself, injuring yourself etc.) or harmful to others (violence, etc.) then it's best to seek professional help. A psychologist/psychiatrist can help you understand how to deal with such states much faster, and if not, then they can certainly make use of medication to stop these super intense states that you have no control over. The medication can help calm down the intensity of those states, so that you can do what you have to do to recover.
Not that I'm a big fan of psychiatrists and psychologists. I ran away from two of them. The first was my psychiatrist, because she wanted to keep me on the pills. So I ran away, studied, and weened myself off them all alone. The second was my psychologist, because I felt he no longer put sufficient effort, and he wasn't guiding me in the right direction. I felt I was too competitive, and he was trying to make me less. And so I stopped going - BUT, despite this, I have to say that the year or so that I attended has helped me IMMENSELY, and I must underline this. If it wasn't for him... I don't think I would have been in a good place today. But, if you have it in you to be independent, then there comes a time when you must let go of the cane. The cane can help you walk when you're weak, but when you regain your strength, you must abandon it, and learn to deal with everything by yourself once again.
Back to topic.
These feelings are not easy to deal with, and brute force isn't usually going to work. You cannot force yourself out of depression.
What you need to do is to take a step back and understand yourself. From the way you have described yourself, it sounds to me like you are a person who has faced severe isolation (unpopular, nerdy, etc.). This is both the source of your strength and drive - you had to become like that to survive - and also the source of your depression.
And therein lies the problem.
The only happiness you know of is the happiness of crushing your enemies - rubbing it in their face. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. I don't want to be a moralist. I have also enjoyed this, and still enjoy it sometimes (I am very competitive by nature as I said). So I'm not saying this to say that it's bad and you shouldn't do it. I'm saying it because I sense that it really is the truth.
And there is a problem with it. Namely that happiness can never be a natural state for you. It is always something that you must achieve, always something that you must find out there, in the future. And you must always have the bullies, because you have tied your identity to them. You are the one who overcomes them, who proves that she is right and they are wrong. So who are you without the bullies? Who are you without the goals?
Go into it.
Who are you without the goals?
At the moment, the way I see it, your identity is not yours. You don't know who YOU are - who you are when you drop the bullies, and the external goals. Who are you deep inside?
Find out who that girl deep inside is. Find out what she values, what she wants, what makes her tick. And to do that you MUST accept to be vulnerable. By posting this here you are beginning to do that. Honesty brings with it vulnerability, and vulnerability brings about strength. So do not be afraid to be yourself. if you feel vulnerable, say so. If you feel weak, say so. You will gain a strength most people lack - the strength of bearing one's weaknesses, one's faults, and all the rest of it. Who can bear it is strong, by definition.
Then you will learn to be happy without looking to prove them wrong and without looking to the next big goal, always running like a tired hamster on the proverbial wheel.
Happiness is the foundation - and you don't need success to be happy. You need truth, authenticity, and a true relationship with yourself. Happiness will help you preserve and enjoy your success. Read the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. A fantastic book for the Unscripted Mindset, and for happiness.
I have struggled with serious depression and anxiety in the past. I have been officially diagnosed with OCD and generalized anxiety, and I was told that I need to take medication (SSRIs, antipsychotics) and that these conditions are not treatable, just manageable. The pills made it better in the sense that you could no longer feel pain. But then, neither did you feel any joy. You just felt... blank.
Anyway, this happened when I was in University, probably with the biggest intensity in years 2-3. It affected my studies, and it affected the one business I was running. For my business, I was lucky that I had a partner back then, and for my studies, well, I managed to survive, but I did fail one exam.
Suffice to say that today (I am 26), I am a very robust person, and rarely experience debilitating anxiety, and not for long nowadays. OCD is, for the most part, completely gone (this is despite the fact that most people would say it's impossible to cure it...). I would classify myself as quite daring in fact. I sometimes do feel the blues, but never for long.
So I'm saying this just to tell you that it is possible to completely change the way you experience the world. And I will add one more thing: you are very young. You are finding your place in the world, and it is quite normal for people your age to deal with these feelings. I'm not a psychiatrist, nor a psychologist for that matter, but I don't think this in itself is wrong.
If, however, you find that you engage in behaviours that are harmful to yourself (cutting yourself, injuring yourself etc.) or harmful to others (violence, etc.) then it's best to seek professional help. A psychologist/psychiatrist can help you understand how to deal with such states much faster, and if not, then they can certainly make use of medication to stop these super intense states that you have no control over. The medication can help calm down the intensity of those states, so that you can do what you have to do to recover.
Not that I'm a big fan of psychiatrists and psychologists. I ran away from two of them. The first was my psychiatrist, because she wanted to keep me on the pills. So I ran away, studied, and weened myself off them all alone. The second was my psychologist, because I felt he no longer put sufficient effort, and he wasn't guiding me in the right direction. I felt I was too competitive, and he was trying to make me less. And so I stopped going - BUT, despite this, I have to say that the year or so that I attended has helped me IMMENSELY, and I must underline this. If it wasn't for him... I don't think I would have been in a good place today. But, if you have it in you to be independent, then there comes a time when you must let go of the cane. The cane can help you walk when you're weak, but when you regain your strength, you must abandon it, and learn to deal with everything by yourself once again.
Back to topic.
These feelings are not easy to deal with, and brute force isn't usually going to work. You cannot force yourself out of depression.
What you need to do is to take a step back and understand yourself. From the way you have described yourself, it sounds to me like you are a person who has faced severe isolation (unpopular, nerdy, etc.). This is both the source of your strength and drive - you had to become like that to survive - and also the source of your depression.
And therein lies the problem.
The only happiness you know of is the happiness of crushing your enemies - rubbing it in their face. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. I don't want to be a moralist. I have also enjoyed this, and still enjoy it sometimes (I am very competitive by nature as I said). So I'm not saying this to say that it's bad and you shouldn't do it. I'm saying it because I sense that it really is the truth.
And there is a problem with it. Namely that happiness can never be a natural state for you. It is always something that you must achieve, always something that you must find out there, in the future. And you must always have the bullies, because you have tied your identity to them. You are the one who overcomes them, who proves that she is right and they are wrong. So who are you without the bullies? Who are you without the goals?
Go into it.
Who are you without the goals?
I think this is where my mindset changed, as I'd achieved my main goal and didn't set another major goal (I had no mentor or business/entrepreneur role models as I'd always done stuff individually, so I made a lot of rookie mistakes). I continued working on my business and did alright, until I lost it.
At the moment, the way I see it, your identity is not yours. You don't know who YOU are - who you are when you drop the bullies, and the external goals. Who are you deep inside?
Find out who that girl deep inside is. Find out what she values, what she wants, what makes her tick. And to do that you MUST accept to be vulnerable. By posting this here you are beginning to do that. Honesty brings with it vulnerability, and vulnerability brings about strength. So do not be afraid to be yourself. if you feel vulnerable, say so. If you feel weak, say so. You will gain a strength most people lack - the strength of bearing one's weaknesses, one's faults, and all the rest of it. Who can bear it is strong, by definition.
Then you will learn to be happy without looking to prove them wrong and without looking to the next big goal, always running like a tired hamster on the proverbial wheel.
Personally I disagree with this, even though I probably agreed with it when I was your age. Success will not bring you fulfilment. Success can be a coverup for your unhappiness. Like a drug - it can make you forget - temporarily. And then you'll start taking bad decisions, driven by your unhappiness, and you yourself will spoil your success.entrepreneurs don't need to be happy, we get our fulfilment from success.
Happiness is the foundation - and you don't need success to be happy. You need truth, authenticity, and a true relationship with yourself. Happiness will help you preserve and enjoy your success. Read the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. A fantastic book for the Unscripted Mindset, and for happiness.