Copy - feedback appreciated

[pinoccio]

First of all thank you very much for building this forum to everyone who contributed in some way to make this place so helpful.

What I need is your advice, your observation, your input what can be done better. What I think is maybe a contribution on my side is that someone can read the thread and learn from the mistakes I made in this copy and become better copywriter. I always wanted to see how basic copy is written, ideas put down and then improved to final form.

I will put the letter directly to forum and not just link to a google docs, so it sticks here.

This letter is deal breaker for me. On this letter depends everything I currently have and it is a photo studio which was built for renting out to other photographers. This studio is located in Wien. I have no budget for any kind of marketing. I was thinking long how can I reach all those who would need a studio without budget. Then I realized it is long process, but maybe worth it. What I did was searched for every photographer in business register and wrote down their name and address to an excel document. I have collected 624 names and addresses. From these approx 400 are relevant to me. I plan to bring my letter to them directly to their post box, because no money left even for the postage fees.

And the letter which will be inside the envelope can make the difference between opening the studio successfully or closing it the next month. I already borrowed LOT of money for building it and paying rent for a year without opening it.

I realized I can not send the same letter to wedding photographer and fine art nude photographer, because they have different needs. There will be three different letters. One for just wedding photographers, one for photographers shooting family, portrait, people, senior, glamour photos mainly on location and the third one for photographers shooting mainly in studio in front of a simple paper background. Every letter will be personalized a bit and every letter will start with their name Dear xy.

The studio is unique, because it is furnished. It is not the usual studio where you can shoot only in front of the white/black/grey paper background. You can shoot here as if you were in nice hotel or nice home.

The letter is written in mixture of English/German without grammar and spelling correction. This will be addressed when the translator will translate it to German.

I really hope to get some feedback. If the letter is too long? If it is too boring? If I should delete something? etc.

Thanks for your advice.

 

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[pinoccio]

For WEDDING:

Dear ....

As a chairman of B....Studio allow me to invite you to the most unique photo studio in Wien which was specially built for hochzeit (wedding) photographers.

You will probably agree weddings does not always takes place in a nice location where it easy to make beautiful paarfotos. But you still need to deliver memorable photos of the couple by bringing them to the right location.

This is why B.......Studio was created.

Searching for extraordinary locations - hotels, castles and private apartments - takes a lot of time. The hassle of negotiating with owners and managers is difficult, long and not always successful. Even if you manage to get the permission, shooting on these locations is usually very expensive. The light on these places are sometimes far from ideal, so you also need to bring additional lights and gear with yourself. This takes lot of time and energy. Shooting outdoors can be a solution, but if the weather turns bad it is good to have a backup plan for an interior location. B.......Studio was built to solve this problem.

Going to a nice location can help creating photos everyone admire:

Imagine a place with big bright windows, high ceilings and lot of available light. Styled in a unique way where vintage, French and shabby chic furniture blends together. A place where each corner is designed to create a cosy atmosphere. A place where you can capture photos full of love and laugh by photographing a pillow war between the braut and groom on the beautiful french bed surrounded with baldachin or taking a sensual photos in front of the old hand carved piano.

One photo is worth more than thousand words.

And this is especially true for us - photographers. Instead of me talking about the studio you can go to the b......at site and see how the place looks like.

Deliver something extraordinary and be remembered:

Even if you have a nice location for paarfotos it is always possible to take the hochzeit fotos to the next level. Instead of the usual "vorbereitung der braut" (preparing for wedding) photos in average room the studio gives you perfect opportunity to take glamouros photos of the braut. There is enough space for everyone to move and work while you are able to make classy and elegant photos of the braut. You can do a small boudoir session in the beautiful wedding underwear and while she is dressing. These photos can go to the private album and be given as surprise for the groom. I promise they will never forget who the photographer was.

Delivering this little extra ensures you get recommended to other couples. Maybe even for doing a standalone boudoir session, which can bring additional clients and income.

If you would like to come the booking system makes it easy for you

As the first and only mietstudio in Österreich we have developed a simple and secure online reservation system for you. The calendar is always up to date and you can reserve your termin immediately by paying securly online. This saves a lot of time compared to the reservation of other studios and locations.

Nothing can replace a personal experience.

I would like to encourage you to try out the studio. With the code - dis48 - you are able to book the studio for the first time for 48 euros and shoot here four hours. This code expires on the end of March. I really hope this is a reasonable price to give it a try and see how can you benefit from the photos you take in B........Studio.

Giving you a satisfaction guarantee:

Your satisfaction is very important for me. If you come and you are not satisfied with the place or services for any reason I will refund the booking fee without question. The only condition is that you really need to come and not just cancel your booking. Why? Because there is only limited amount of termines available which can be booked with this code. I would like to give this discounted possibility to those who really wish to come and try the studio. The money back guarantee applies when you book through the provided coupon code in this letter.

If you are seriously interested please make a reservation as soon as you can, because when the code expires it is no longer possible to take advantage of the discount. Also please keep in mind that the termines are limited and the studio can be booked out. You can book the studio by visiting b..........at website and going to the preis/buchen section.


ps. I really hope you will like the place, because it took me over a year to build the studio. Everything you see there from the floor, through the walls until the last piece of decoration was built, bought and put down by me and my beloved girlfriend Viktoria. We have done things I never imagined we can do. I wanted to open the best studio in Wien to help photographers make unique images, reserve shooting location faster and offer them the highest quality service.

 

[pinoccio]

For mixed style photographers:

Dear ....

As a chairman of B.......Studio allow me to invite you to the most unique photo studio in Wien which was specially built for hochzeit, family, portrait and menschen photogaphy.

You will probably agree weddings does not always takes place on nice location where it easy to make beautiful paarfotos. But you still need to deliver memorable photos of the couple by bringing them to the right location. Searching for extraordinary location - nice hotels, castles, private apartments - takes a lot of time. Negotiating with the owners and managers is difficult and not always successful. Even if you manage to get the permission, shooting on these locations is usually very expensive and there is not always budget for it. B........Studio was built to solve this problem.

Stop losing your clients, get them back to you:

Family and menschen photos in front of a simple paper background can look good, but taking photos on beautiful location makes a big difference. This difference translates to client satisfaction and also to higher income. You can ask for more, if you deliver more. Dont lose your clients by taking photos on same place and in the same style.

It is proven fact that acquiring a new customer is from 5 to 25 times more expensive than retaining an existing one. By offering to your existing clients a special package where you bring them to nice location and create exceptional photos is one way how to bring them back. With little additional effort you can gain a lot.

Going to a nice location can help creating photos everyone admire:

Imagine a place with big bright windows, high ceilings and lot of available light. Styled in a unique way where vintage, French and shabby chic furniture blends together. A place where each corner is designed to create a cosy atmosphere. A place where you have at your availability more than hundred pieces of furniture, props and decoration. A place where you can capture romantic photos in front of the old hand carved piano or classy images (portraits) in front of the baroque stuck wall. We even have white, gray and black backgrounds with all the lights you need in case you would like to stick to more traditional studio photos.

One photo is worth more than thousand words.

And this is especially true for us - photographers. Instead of me talking about the studio you can go to the b..............at site and see how the place looks like.

If you would like to come the booking system makes it easy for you

As the first and only mietstudio in Österreich we have developed a simple and secure online reservation system for you. The calendar is always up to date and you can reserve your termin immediately by paying securly online. This saves a lot of time compared to the reservation of other studios and locations.

Nothing can replace a personal experience.

I would like to encourage you to try out the studio. With the code - dis48 - you are able to book the studio for the first time for 48 euros and shoot here four hours. This code expires on the end of March. I really hope this is a reasonable price to give it a try and see how can you benefit from the photos you take in B........Studio.

Giving you a satisfaction guarantee:

Your satisfaction is very important for me. If you come and you are not satisfied with the place or services for any reason I will refund the booking fee without question. The only condition is that you really need to come and not just cancel your booking. Why? Because there is only limited amount of termines available which can be booked with this code. I would like to give this discounted possibility to those who really wish to come and try the studio. The money back guarantee applies when you book through the provided coupon code in this letter.

If you are seriously interested please make a reservation as soon as you can, because when the code expires it is no longer possible to take advantage of the discount. Also please keep in mind that the termines are limited and the studio can be booked out. You can book the studio by visiting b...............at website and going to the preis/buchen section.


ps. I really hope you will like the place, because it took me over a year to build the studio. Everything you see there from the floor, through the walls until the last piece of decoration was built, bought and put down by me and my beloved girlfriend Viktoria. We have done things I never imagined we can do. I wanted to open the best studio in Wien to help photographers make unique images, reserve shooting location faster and offer them the highest quality service.

 

[pinoccio]

I know you make it harder for new members, but I am not the one who gives up.

From the book and also forum it is clear that the focus is on helping. Now it is possible to help to someone who really needs it. Even a small and little help is a big gain for me. Hoping to get response even from those who are not copywriters. Just asking for your opinion. What do you think about the letter.

 

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[Xavier X]

I won't go into details on the use of English, as it's obviously not written by a native speaker.

Now, keep in mind that for all intents and purposes, your letter falls under the category of 'spam,' or unsolicited marketing communication.
So, ask yourself if you would read a spam mail as long as this (personally, I don't even open them).

What your letter needs to do is go straight to the point. Cut out all the unnecessary details (which is like 80% of it).
You can move that extra 80% to a referenced web page.

In your letter, go straight to making it clear:

- Who you are, and why you have contacted them.
- What extra value your studio offers, that makes it unique (use bullet points, as ain't nobody got time to read solicitation epistles).
- How/where (web page) they can get additional details and pictures of the studio.

That is all. It should not exceed the 200-word range (most of which should be on the value portion). As is, you're at 850ish words.

As for your contemplated method of hand delivering 400 letters; it makes me wonder if your car has square tires.
Do you just love pain, or something?

Mailing out 400 letters can't be more expensive than hand delivering them.
If you are out of funds for mailing, pick up one item in your studio that's not crucial to its launch and SELL it.

It's a good idea to tailor each one to the different niches, so good job on that.


ps: I owned a video production studio for 4 years, so I understand your anxiety.

 

[pinoccio]

Thanks @Xavier X for your reply.

Now, keep in mind that for all intents and purposes, your letter falls under the category of 'spam,' or unsolicited marketing communication.
So, ask yourself if you would read a spam mail as long as this (personally, I don't even open them).

Yes, it would be spam, if I would be sending it out through email, but because it is directly to post box it can not be considered spam (according to my knowledge). This is one of the reasons why I am doing it this way and not just emailing. In this case I think you would open it with high probability, because it is physical letter, but maybe I am wrong.

As for your contemplated method of hand delivering 400 letters; it makes me wonder if your car has square tires.
Do you just love pain, or something?

No, I would do it on bike. Without money my time needs to be sacrificed. I have already sold everything possible from studio to be able to pay the monthly rent. There is really nothing which can go a cover the cost.

Anyways, if everything goes as should next week will be delivering the letter and considering now to shorten it. Not sure why not received others opinion on this, which would be nice, but your reply is still help, because I can at least see the opinion of one person. Thanks.

 

[jon.a]

400? Go meet them. I love to tell this story...

Many years ago, before some if our younger members were born. I raised goats in my front yard. My front yard was about 2 acres and the goats kept the grasses down. I got a knock on the door and a young guy handed me his business card and introduced himself as the new alfalfa vendor in town. His pitch was low overhead and much better prices. He rented a field, got one truckload in per week and was only open Friday to Sunday. He sold out every week and grew to a several mil biz with multiple store fronts.
A funny aside. Today he's my largest commercial tenant.

He got my business, because of his hustle and because he became a person to me not just another business.

 

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[pinoccio]

400? Go meet them. I love to tell this story...

Many years ago, before some if our younger members were born. I raised goats in my front yard. My front yard was about 2 acres and the goats kept the grasses down. I got a knock on the door and a young guy handed me his business card and introduced himself as the new alfalfa vendor in town. His pitch was low overhead and much better prices. He rented a field, got one truckload in per week and was only open Friday to Sunday. He sold out every week and grew to a several mil biz with multiple store fronts.
A funny aside. Today he's my largest commercial tenant.

He got my business, because of his hustle and because he became a person to me not just another business.

@jon.a I would love to meet them, to know my clients. I was already on the website of ALL of them. I am however a bit scared that it would be quite disturbing for them to knock on everyones door. My letters are really personalized. I have hand written all of the 400 names on the envelope and I am planning to wax stamp every one of them to show them I rally care. Which I really do.

I will consider knocking on their door, despite I am not the most extrovert person. Still would like to give them something in the envelope to let them know what is the place about. Why it was built and that my plan was to open the best studio for photographers to make their life more simple. As I know how a good studio can help in this. This is why my letter is so long, but not sure it is the right one with the right words.

 

[jon.a]

@jon.a I would love to meet them, to know my clients. I was already on the website of ALL of them. I am however a bit scared that it would be quite disturbing for them to knock on everyones door. My letters are really personalized. I have hand written all of the 400 names on the envelope and I am planning to wax stamp every one of them to show them I rally care. Which I really do.

I will consider knocking on their door, despite I am not the most extrovert person. Still would like to give them something in the envelope to let them know what is the place about. Why it was built and that my plan was to open the best studio for photographers to make their life more simple. As I know how a good studio can help in this. This is why my letter is so long, but not sure it is the right one with the right words.

Read the post in my tag line.

 

[Xavier X]

Thanks @Xavier X for your reply.



Yes, it would be spam, if I would be sending it out through email, but because it is directly to post box it can not be considered spam (according to my knowledge). This is one of the reasons why I am doing it this way and not just emailing. In this case I think you would open it with high probability, because it is physical letter, but maybe I am wrong.



No, I would do it on bike. Without money my time needs to be sacrificed. I have already sold everything possible from studio to be able to pay the monthly rent. There is really nothing which can go a cover the cost.

Anyways, if everything goes as should next week will be delivering the letter and considering now to shorten it. Not sure why not received others opinion on this, which would be nice, but your reply is still help, because I can at least see the opinion of one person. Thanks.

I put spam in quotes, because while the term is specific to email, it is equivalent to physical junk mail.
Posting it or dropping it in their home mail box is still unsolicited marketing communication (I get a lot - I never open them).

The point I'm making is this: Is investing only a drop-off visit to 400 unknown destinations worth the potential conversion rate?
By "only," I mean you arrive, shove it in their box and ride off.

My advice is to get creative in raising money to post them out, even if in small batches of 10.

If this isn't possible, then trim your list down to the 100 most promising leads (for now), and become the guy @jon.a spoke about.
Meeting even 50 in person and pitching yourself well will convert better than sticking mail into 400 boxes and riding off into the sunset.

I wish you lots of sweat!

 

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[Ultra Magnus]

Some of my thoughts:

I liked both of John's posts because sales letters should be seen as a sales person in print. By going out and talking to people with a strong focus on listening to what they're saying (asking questions), you'll get a good picture of what you want to write.

Your focus should be directed entirely on how you can help your prospective clients (not what you have, but what they'll get out of it). That will dictate the strongest portions of your copywriting. I see a lot of "our studio this, our studio that" which is why I'm mentioning it.

However, perhaps this is a good occasion to think strategically instead of tactically. Everything does not have to rest on these sales letters. You have 400 people on your list, which is a lot. In your situation, I'd take the opportunity to try several different approaches with various segments, not just letters.

Think about a nice hook which could potentially land you a meeting with a prospective client and try to meet some of them. Maybe just send them an email, or a message via FB? Prepare a marketing campaign in which you'll have several steps before you land a client. Maybe give some people a postcard with an invite to some event, during which you'll further profile your prospects and decide which ones are worth going after.

How about referrals? Reviews? Maybe someone who's well-known in the niche can come to your studio for free and do some work there and then write about it on their blog or social media platform?

What I'm trying to say is that right now you have a 1-step take-it-or-leave-it offer with false scarcity and conditional risk reversal ("I'll refund you If you come"). It's attached to an unsolicited, but personalised (hand-signed) mailing. I can't tell you if it's the right approach for selling a service which you would like to be recurrent in a niche I know nothing about. This kind of tactic looks more like something you'd use on consumer goods, not establishing a lasting relationship.

Multi-step campaigns are usually better because buying is a process. Someone might see your ad one day, and then call you a month or two later when they encounter the same problem you promised to solve. Maybe they weren't looking for a studio earlier but now they are.

I can't tell if the offer is "irresistible" to your target audience. Would a photographer reading your letter think "I'd better consider this, otherwise I'm an idiot"?

Regarding risk reversal: you're asking for a lot of time, first for someone to read your letter, then for them to schedule a trip to your studio and try it out, and on top of that you're asking for money. In return you say "if you come and you don't like it, I'll give you your money back". After all the time they will have lost if they don't like your studio, will that be enough? Is that enough for them to take the risk of wasting their time?

Think about that, since as freelancing professionals they can probably convert their time to money in their mind very efficiently. Perhaps you can come up with something different, and test that against a portion of prospects who get the message with what you have now. Try to shoulder more of the risk before asking for commitment, to make it very easy for them to say yes. I'm not asking for you to grovel in front of them and beg for their business. Risk reversal done correctly is a statement of caring confidence.

Good luck!

EDIT: Xavier's process for dealing with junk mail is representative of a large number of people, though I think that hand-signed letters will have a larger open rate than the usual fare. That doesn't mean they'll actually read the copy once they see it's an offer!

 

[pinoccio]

@Ultra Magnus thanks for your time and post. I have read, re-read it more times. After taking your advice I tried to shorten the letter. I also plan to add "testimonials" from photographers (authorities) on the back side of the letter.

I have wrote. Re-wrote. Deleted. Wrote. Re-wrote it few times. This is how it looks currently. My problem is that as I shortened the letter I deleted almost all the benefits I showed in the long letter. Now I am still not sure, if this is better copy and where to go with it.

Dear ......,

As a chairman of B..... Studio allow me to invite you to the most innovative photo studio in Wien.

Mr./Mrs...., you will probably agree that it is not easy to find a nice photo location and get permission to shoot there. B.... Studio was built to solve this problem. Allow you to create unique images on a unique location. To push the limits of how one studio can look like and operate.

B...... Studio is the first furnished mietstudio in Osterreich. And the only one featuring instant online booking system.

One photo is worth more than thousand words and this is especially true for us - photographers. Instead of talking about the place you can go to the b.......... .at site and see how the studio and reservation system looks like.

As nothing can replace a personal experience I would like to invite you to come and try the studio. Book the studio with the "dis48" code only for 48 euros. This code expires on the end of March. If you book with this code and you are not satisfied I will refund the booking fee without question.

Become a business partner

If you ever thought about owning a photo studio now you have the opportunity. Even if you just need a studio more than few times per month please let me know and we can work out the details for you. I promise you will be satisfied.


Ps. The goal was to open the best studio in Wien. I really hope you can benefit from capturing here unique photos, saving time with the quick reservation system and getting high quality services.

 

[jon.a]

What if you threw a party?

 

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[pinoccio]

What if you threw a party?

It seems you are always spot on with your ideas

My first idea was in the first sentence to invite them not to the studio, but to the opening party of the studio. The "problem" is that I intend to send the letter to 400 people and the capacity of the place is around 20-30 people. As I do not know how many of them would come....maybe doing two day constant opening party would be a solution. But is it really better inviting them to opening party as inviting them to book and try the place?

 

[jon.a]

It seems you are always spot on with your ideas

My first idea was in the first sentence to invite them not to the studio, but to the opening party of the studio. The "problem" is that I intend to send the letter to 400 people and the capacity of the place is around 20-30 people. As I do not know how many of them would come....maybe doing two day constant opening party would be a solution. But is it really better inviting them to opening party as inviting them to book and try the place?

stagger into groups of 50 spread out 2 hours apart over a couple of days.

 

[Xavier X]

Your site looks nice, and the studio looks good too.

The current setup in the images might appeal more to a certain niche of photographers (boudoir etc).
So, I'd recommend you add photos of a generic "setup," so people know right away they can do general photo shoots too.

You don't have to leave it up after you take photos. Just something simple like this, at one end.

 

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[pinoccio]

Thanks @Xavier X, you are right. I do even have one photo of a normal studio setup, but did not put it on a site. When I have sent the studio website link to some photographers one of them asked, if it is possible to shoot in front of a simple background. I should have immediately reacted.

Thanks for the compliment on the place. I have changed the letter to not reveal thr exact name of the studio for various reasons. On the other hand I am happy at least few of you have seen the place and know I am really trying to do my best to open a unique studio.

Ps. It is interesting I am getting here good ideas on what to do which help, but no copywriter told me on what he/she would exactly change in the letter : )