Can someone please give me copywriting feedback...

[Chi chi]

I would really appreciate if someone could please give me some feedback on this mock product description(it isn't real btw I just made it up so I could practice copywriting) I wrote which is shown below:

Description: This sexy, comfortable, and patriotic bikini will give you the best of both worlds. Enjoy wearing it on Memorial Day, the 4th of July, or any day that you’re feeling patriotic!

• Underwire support
• Comfortable sashes tie behind neck
• For printed items; placement may vary
• No padding or cups

 

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[Lex DeVille]

I would really appreciate if someone could please give me some feedback on this mock product description(it isn't real btw I just made it up so I could practice copywriting) I wrote which is shown below:

Description: This sexy, comfortable, and patriotic bikini will give you the best of both worlds. Enjoy wearing it on Memorial Day, the 4th of July, or any day that you’re feeling patriotic!

• Underwire support
• Comfortable sashes tie behind neck
• For printed items; placement may vary
• No padding or cups

What is "both worlds"? Sexy, comfortable and patriotic indicates three whereas "both" indicates two. The inconsistency makes it come across odd.

"Will give" is passive. "Gives" is active. "Enjoy wearing" is passive." "Wear it" is active.

Nobody buys a patriotic bikini to wear when they "feel patriotic." That's not a thing. What is the deeper motivation? Who does this person think she is? How does she want to be seen? Is she "Right Wing"? How does this bikini transform your buyer into the person she imagines herself to be?

"Underwire support" = so what?
" Comfortable sashes tie behind neck" = so what? Why do I care about this? How does this benefit me?
"For printed items; placement may vary" = what even is this?
"no padding or cups" = so what?

For your bullet points, just keep asking "so what" and "why?"

So what if it has that. Why is that important? So what if it does that? Why should I care? So what if it ties behind my neck. Why would I even need that?

And where is your call to action at the end that tells them what to do next? It's missing.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

I would really appreciate if someone could please give me some feedback on this mock product description(it isn't real btw I just made it up so I could practice copywriting) I wrote which is shown below:

Description: This sexy, comfortable, and patriotic bikini will give you the best of both worlds. Enjoy wearing it on Memorial Day, the 4th of July, or any day that you’re feeling patriotic!

• Underwire support
• Comfortable sashes tie behind neck
• For printed items; placement may vary
• No padding or cups

Quit lying. You didn't write this -- it was taken from another website. And now it's the second time you've posted it.

Please clarify your intent otherwise your account will be removed.

 

[LightHouse]

Lex's review either way was great though! Nice work Lex!

 

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[Chi chi]

What is "both worlds"? Sexy, comfortable and patriotic indicates three whereas "both" indicates two. The inconsistency makes it come across odd.

"Will give" is passive. "Gives" is active. "Enjoy wearing" is passive." "Wear it" is active.

Nobody buys a patriotic bikini to wear when they "feel patriotic." That's not a thing. What is the deeper motivation? Who does this person think she is? How does she want to be seen? Is she "Right Wing"? How does this bikini transform your buyer into the person she imagines herself to be?

"Underwire support" = so what?
" Comfortable sashes tie behind neck" = so what? Why do I care about this? How does this benefit me?
"For printed items; placement may vary" = what even is this?
"no padding or cups" = so what?

For your bullet points, just keep asking "so what" and "why?"

So what if it has that. Why is that important? So what if it does that? Why should I care? So what if it ties behind my neck. Why would I even need that?

And where is your call to action at the end that tells them what to do next? It's missing.

Thanks so much for the feedback I’ll definitely take it into consideration when I rewrite my description