Being in a relationship with a slowlaner...

[kevdesdev]

I haven't posted much but thought I'd chime in here.

My wife had always had the slowlaner mindset; she believed that job is the best financial security. I didn't know this until I married her and after I read the TMF . I was so excited that she was the first person I shared the wisdom and hoped that she'd share the same enthusiasm. It was no where close though... Not entirely negatively, just neutral like "OK", "interesting".

When I told her what I want to live like in the future, to own businesses and have more freedom in my time, her reaction was similar to yours, "it's been done", "be realistic", "business is risky", "we're going to lose money"... and then she went on explaining how all the people she knew failed in businesses.

Determined to live my life the way I want, I continued my education and ignored her pessimism. I read a lot and whenever I come across exciting entrepreneurial stories of famous people, I shared with her starting by "hey do you know this guy," and she'll say "yeah", and then I begin telling their stories. To my surprise, she was into it! I learned that she enjoyed hearing stories of people's lives from hardship to success, to failure then back again to success. However, whenever I told her that I'm going to do such and such, her reaction would immediately fall back to her slowlane thought...

For one second I was doubting if it was the right decision to marry her. But it was just the slightest second. Because in the big picture, I love her dearly and the reason why I chose to marry her is because we get together so well. We respect each other a lot, and we enjoy each other's companion 24/7. I told myself that it's normal for her to think that way and that I'm the odd one out. But I'm also not giving up. So I decided to just feed her education bit by bit like I did before.

It was not until a day that she told me she loved knitting. And I told her, do you want to make that in a business? Why not put it on Etsy and try it? It only takes 3 seconds. She hesitated a lot because she kept thinking "it's not perfect... I just started... what if no one buys it?". But I ended up helping her put it on the website and one day, she got a sale! I couldn't believe how happy she was! And I was ecstatic because she told me, "I really like this! I like when people buy something I made".

Since I still have my full-time job, and I want to also pursue my fastlane lifestyle, my wife and I made arrangements such that certain evenings would be family time, while certain evenings would be no distraction so I can focus on moving a step closer to the dream we're sharing. Oh speaking of which, to get her excited, I asked her what she visions her future to be, what sort of life we'll be living, how many kids, where we live, what she really wants to do with her time, etc, etc. And then work backwards discussing what we need to do in order to reach that. She has since been extremely supportive of whatever I'm doing. Up to the point that a lot of uncertain moments I have, she actually cheered me up saying this exact thing, "just F*cking do it!"

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Find a new girlfriend, or as you say, get rid of the sea anchor. (You said that, not me)

That might seem harsh but that fact is, if you specifically request your GF to read a book and she will NOT, you need to leave her behind. I'm not just talking about TMF , but about ANY book. The issue there isn't the book, but your request being ignored.

be realistic

Translation: "If you become super successful and grow in your experience, you'll be leaving me behind. I don't want to be left behind."

Every so often a post on Fastlane makes my stomach churn with anxiety. Yours does.

 

[Vigilante]

I can't tell you, because I got lucky. I married my high school sweetheart, and she grew into the woman she is today. Someone else will have to come along that got married later in life.

I can tell you about my wife, though. My son would be wise to look for a woman like she is.

• She's an independent thinker, yet constantly puts other people's needs in front of hers
• She's smarter than most people, but doesn't wear it on her sleeve
• She believes in me. The single most important factor towards our mutual success. It's been a bumpy road, but she never got cold feet.
• We got married for life. There never was an alternative either of us would consider.
• She loves the finer things in life, and she knows what produces them (and it's not a 9-5 job)
• She's a fantastic Mom
• My daughter said the other day that my daughter hopes to gain the skill my wife has of not saying what doesn't need to be said
• She believes people are usually always just trying to do the best they can based on what they know. She always defaults towards giving people the benefit of the doubt
• She's never given me a reason to look elsewhere for sex.
• She gets more beautiful when she ages, and she looks way younger than we are
• She doesn't cry much - not super emotional
• She can drink half of you under the table
• She's a great cook, and always learning
• Her mother is the kindest person I have ever met. That's important. That's a good predictor.
• There's never been one single time where she has kicked me when I was down, even in situations where I might have deserved it
• We like the same things
• We like the same people
• We like the same geography
• She is one of the smartest business minds I have ever come across, although she would laugh if you told her that
• She has never said NO to any of my dreams, even the wild ones
• She does however give me reality checks on HOW to get there
• She wants more money
• She wants more freedom
• She wants her kids to exceed us
• She wants more wine
• She's resilliant
• She doesn't eat Lunchable pizza (ever!)

I fell in love initially with her looks (I am sure.., like any guy.) I then fell in love with her character. The more I fell in love with her character, the prettier she became. And that I think is the key to why she is aging well. She's pretty inside, which makes her pretty outside. She looks younger today than she did a few years ago, because she's in even better shape. She still gets carded. She is my midlife muse. My midlife crisis. Some people go find themselves a younger model. I don't need to. She's everything you would want, at any age.

So... that's what I would look for.

 

[NicoleMarie]

You know what I did? I showed my boyfriend one video. That's all he had to do was watch one video, not read a whole book. I wanted to show him what I was basing my opinions off of. What started as doubt turned to, "that does make sense." It was this very video:

 

[RogueInnovation]

We've all had jobs, or employed people, so its best not to get too carried away, and keep a level head about it all.

Sounds more like she just is assuming entreprenuerialism is risky.
The truth helps.
It is risky, not everyone succeeds, and most people quit.

Make it clear to her that you will not ask her to support crackpot lazy stuff, but tell her it is appreciated when you are supported for earnest efforts towards a longer term aim that is in entrepreneurialism, and explain that you believe the benefits are real and responsible.

MJ says something like, there would be no millionaires and billionaires if getting rich was a slow process, which is probably the best arguement I've heard of for the entrepreneurial path. It is a more independant path, where you invest in yourself and your knowledge, so that you have better leverage and can achieve things normal people can't financially. This is how success is made, and there are no ifs and buts about that.

The key to success there is reality checks, but not of the blind and dismissive kind. Reality checks from experts, and from those who have been there and done it, and through action, and yourself.

Be SURE and check constantly that you are not using entrepreneurialism as a fantasy escape, for no one can support that, rather be sure through your actions that it is your legitimate and chosen path to wealth and freedom.

If you are clear, and honest about your path, the opinions of others starts to matter less.
It disappears completely once you establish profitability in your own business, and when you can think fast enough on your feet that you don't notice negatives.

... In the mean time, you can politely ask her to support you when you are being earnest, and to hold up on the discouragement when you stray off path, and to just respond in a considered way, because this is the true path you have chosen to follow, and ask that she respect it.

It depends how long you have known each other though, if this is a few month relationship, there is hardly any point talking about it at all. And if that is the case, you just chill out, and not go kamakaze on her because she has a job focus on fun, enjoying each others company, and don't drive a wedge between you where one doesn't need to be.

She isn't your business partner, she isn't your accountability partner, so try to keep most of the weight of your journey off her, and appreciate her for her as a woman, and a person in your life, rather than pick at a point until it is sore.



Ultimately, FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND FOOLS cannot be used to further your business acumen, accept that. Get above the petty squabble stuff and just be a good guy about it.

 

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[RHL]

From the beginning of time and throughout all cultures all men feel most comfortable when their woman is somewhat younger, somewhat shorter, somewhat less educated and somewhat less wealthy (mostly in income terms) than themselves.

And women feel the same thing.

It's biological.

I was a published biologist in a former life. I published peer-reviewed papers. I worked at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural history. You're wrong. This conclusion comes from the realm of "evolutionary psychology." It is a pseudoscience, like acupuncture or chiropractors or dousing rods. That means that, although lots of people believe in it, none of its claims can be substantiated by research despite attempts to do so, AKA it's a placebo and its direct "benefits" (here meaning the explanatory power it seems to have) are 100% psychosomatic, i.e., fake.

Men absolutely should not get married these days.

Wharton published an interview with several "self-made" billionaire alumni when I was in college. All of them listed their wives at or near the top of the things that drove them to succeed. I wonder who knows what success takes more clearly, some 22 year old dudebros on TheRedPill living in a studio apartment, or people whose net worth is equal to what it would take the average american slowlaner TWENTY THOUSAND YEARS to earn if they paid no taxes? Marriage was the smartest decision I ever made. Vetting a potential spouse takes time, but it's not that hard.

 

[Vigilante]

Everyone starts out in the slow lane. Get her to read MJ's book. If she won't, dump her.

 

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[yveskleinsky]

Without fail, almost once every couple of months someone posts a similar question about dating/marrying a "slowlaner". (I'm reposting about this because one of the last posters had a frown face in the same line about getting married--which is a problem and worth examining as far as I'm concerned.)

Here is the age old fastlane/slowlane question of "I am dating a slowlaner..." posed a different way that maybe helps to clarify things a bit :

"I found a pair of running shoes that I really like but they are too small. They are the perfect color, match all my workout clothes and they are really comfortable for short periods of time. However, I want to run a marathon here in the near future. Should I buy these shoes?"

There are two camps of thought on this:

One camp will tell you that that they have a pair of these same running shoes that are also too small, and they are able to run marathons with them, however they have to periodically put their feet up, make sure they bring bandaids for blisters, etc. and they love their shoes for what they are, but they do make running marathons hard.


The other camp will tell you to go find a different pair of shoes that fit.

The choice is yours.

 

[Vigilante]

I would not be anywhere near where I am if my wife wasn't at my side. My wife is my strength, my encourager, and the reason I was able to get back up off the mat and swing for the home run again.

This is no small subject. You can't be unequally yoked or you just pull the wagon in circles.

 

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[Nadia]

This is the very reason who cannot choose someone who is SL when you are FL.

SL people are OBSESSED with the TRAPPNIGS of wealth. Y'know. The nice plush car, the fancy watch and suit (for the Ladies, the Louboutins and the Chanel handbag) because they are enslaved to ENTITLEMENT.

"OH I DESERVE THIS"

Say's effing who? WHO says ANYONE deserves this ? Oh yes, you slowlaner. You do. This is why you cannot be with someone who is going to whinge about your "lifestyle", why you "work all the time", why you don't have any "hobbies" (Newsflash : our business is our life.). Get right, or get left behind.

Fastlaners Speak French. Slowlaners speak Mandarin.

Both languages are prevalent. However attempting to understand comment allez-vous to a Mandarin speaker is tough. As soon as they start to understand a few words, they realise that Ne how ma isn't the only you can ask "how are you?"

Just my two cents.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

Is there any doubt that she would be supportive since you have already made it?

There was a period of time when she didn't know that. I also have/had a policy not to show up for dates in a Lamborghini.

 

[SteveO]

Look at the passion in these posts. Even after I had made a million dollars, my ex-wife could not come to grips with the lifestyle. It was like a slow festering sore that would not go away.

She was quite happy to get her million in the settlement though.

Be careful who you choose as a partner. Life will be much easier if you are in reasonable alignment.

 

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[Martinv678]

So to add an end to the story... I had to end it. She started to moan all the time about money and how she couldn't earn it. I offered to help her out on many occasions each time she would refuse. I would work on projects in the evening on my laptop and she would tell me stop so we could watch TV together. I'm not a TV person, kinda feel its a waste of time unless its factual and interesting to me. She would get super controlling and on the weekends if I wanted to work for jut a couple of hours she would get super wound up. Maybe I was being unreasonable but at the time did create something kinda fastlane.

The final straw was this... I said to her look... Let's create something together which then could help towards your "money situation" (she wasn't broke, she just wanted more things). I said i'll get the product from china and you just help with pictures and getting it on to Amazon / website. We had a deal where I take 60% for putting all the cash in (which was too low for what she was actually doing) and she took 40%. She just had to create some content. She used to cry as her laptop was shit so I actually said if we're going to do this I'll buy a new one and DID, LIKE A MASSIVE IDIOT!

We then broke up and she has been demanding so much... I've taken on the product single handedly I do so much promotion and have driven the traffic to get great sales. She does nothing and demands money, she'll do something once in a while that is a little helpful and will then turn around and be like I now want 50% and demands me to change the contract. Everything above is my fault as it was my choice to get involved in business with her.

What I look for now is someone who would be understanding. I know there are compromises so will have to be better at that in the future.

I hope people have found this thread to be useful!

 

[Gsuz]

That happened to me, too. After thinking about it, I realized that I was projecting my self-doubts and insecurities on her. There will always be moments of doubt or people who doubt you and your choices, because they are judging from their own perspective and you can't expect everyone to cheer on you, because they also have their own self-doubts and insecurities.

I think there are basically 2 ways to solve this:

1. Stop looking for hints that people doubt you and prove her wrong by succeeding
"somebody has already done that" - "I'll do it better"
"be realistic" - "I am"

2. If she's constantly doubting you and your choices or you feel it's really dragging you down, end the relationship

 

[Kak]

I would not be anywhere near where I am if my wife wasn't at my side. My wife is my strength, my encourager, and the reason I was able to get back up off the mat and swing for the home run again.

This is no small subject. You can't be unequally yoked or you just pull the wagon in circles.

This is something I am going to try to live by from this point forward.

Equally yoked in ambition, goals, outlook on life, opinions, faith. Everyone deserves someone on the same wavelength as themselves, that doesn't mean they have to be exactly alike.

After meeting both Vig and his wife, I have to say they are awesome together. In fact it stood out to me as an example of 1+1 equalling 3..

 

[Kak]

Exactly. My wife is like that. She isn't an entrepreneur and doesn't want to be one, but she is amazing at what she does and she works super hard at it. We are on the same wavelength, even though to the outsider we look a lot different. She knows me better than anyone else in the world, and this means she also knows my excuses.

She loves me enough to call out my crap when I am either too blind to see it or too stubborn to acknowledge it. It really is priceless. She give me an assurance that even if I don't make loads of money, I will be extremely happy and successful in life because I have an awesome family. That is a good feeling.

Myself in comparison:

I am a very ambitious, informed, conservative, christian, like to travel, I hate partying, enjoy fine dining, want kids...

I spent 6 years with a liberal, atheist, uninformed, party girl, that had no ambition or passport, ate lunchable pizzas for dinner and hated kids...

I could make this list so much longer.

It was like the Hank Rearden situation... You learn from your mistakes.

 

[Red]

I'm really enjoying this thread... however any time I see the words "all women want" this or that... I cringe on the inside. (c'mon, don't we know better by now?)

I've been self-employed for most of my life since college & dated all kinds of men: Young & rich/retired, Young & Broke, Older & Retired/Well-off, etc... most all of them being of the FL mentality (it's obviously what I gravitate toward). One thing I learned is that, being a FL woman, I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT date a FL guy.

Why?

I need the balance. I can be high-strung & sometimes, borderline neurotic about details. I can become so laser focused that I forget to eat, sleep, shower, whatever. I need a partner who is more balanced... Not all women may need that, but I do. My SO is 100% supportive, 100% of the time. He works his "9-5" & is eligible for retirement in about 10 years (public service). My goal is to grow my business to the point where he's comfortable retiring early & traveling with me (all I need is a laptop with an internet connection to work). No marriage, no prenup, just two people making their way through life together, enjoying each other's company & support. It's all I've ever wanted & I feel lucky to have him.

 

[pickeringmt]

Dude, there is no way to change a person.

People change because they want to.

Consider this: You KNOW you want to pursue the Fastlane way of life. You DON'T KNOW if this girl is your future wife.

That right there is enough for you to be certain of which one you will choose if you had to pick one or the other. Keep that in mind my friend.

Never sacrifice doing what you are on this planet to do in order to make someone else happy.

 

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[Shirley]

My current girlfriend just doesn't have the same mindset or share the same beliefs as me and it can hold me back like a sea anchor

I can totally relate to you on this. The majority of the population are slowlaners, and unfortunately, fastlaners have trouble having romantic relationships. Being in a relationship isn't just about companionship, it's also about chosing a lifestyle, a common financial goal, and a direction both parties want to sail together towards. It's not about chaning each other's beliefs or mindsets, however, people do change over the course of time but only when they want to, not when they are forced to.
I wish these's a dating website for Fastlaners, maybe I should start one, how's that for a online dating service?

 

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[MitchC]

Try to suggest she reads The Millionare Fastlane, not to try and change her, but to help her understand what you are doing and why, "it will help you relax and have more confidence and understanding so you wont stress" "help you understand me, how I think, what my plans are, why I do this" etc. Like as in pitch it to her that way. My girlfriend read it after I recommended it to her and it's amazing to have her support and understanding keeping me motivated, hope things work out for you both, goodluck

 

[MJ DeMarco]

t was not until a day that she told me she loved knitting. And I told her, do you want to make that in a business? Why not put it on Etsy and try it? It only takes 3 seconds. She hesitated a lot because she kept thinking "it's not perfect... I just started... what if no one buys it?". But I ended up helping her put it on the website and one day, she got a sale! I couldn't believe how happy she was! And I was ecstatic because she told me, "I really like this! I like when people buy something I made".

This might be something she can understand. This is called having a passion for the process. When the world consumes something of your creation (and you get money for it) it truly is an incredible feeling. I don't think its any different for a book, an invention, or a website you create.

Generally, people don't change.

Yup and here's what makes things even worse for those who hope change will come: The rigors, trials and tribulations of entrepreneurship will CHANGE YOU. The journey is like iron sharpening iron. If your signifcant other isn't on the journey (she's sitting on the couch watching The Bachelorette) you will grow apart.

The other camp will tell you to go find a different pair of shoes that fit.

Find a pair that fits. Love it.

 

[Nadia]

That's an almost daily conversation. I'm in the process of getting her to read TMF now, so maybe she'll gain some sort of understanding of my mindset and the direction I'm taking. She's one of those that would rather sit and watch a season at a time of "Trueblood" rather than read a book that might help her understand something better.


I'm going to have to give this some deep thought. I need to figure out an angle to look at it from, other than from the belly of the beast. I really appreciate your take on it, and I think that you just opened a third eye for me, so to speak. Thanks!

We always look at things from a subjective perspective. We cannot see the wood for the trees, however I am being drawn to say this again. (Forgive me for the next bit, if it comes across as rude, defo NOT the intention)

"There is a part of you that is refusing to mature by holding onto your son as the excuse. There is a part of you that likes the reassurance of being nagged by your girlfriend. There is a part of you, that doesn't want to grow. Your son isn't the issue. He never has been, never was. You find it easier to pin the stuff on him, instead of allowing the pressure to grow you as a man which will transform your ability to handle challenges and pressure. "

Also--the girlfriend. There is a saying. "Offering advice to those who do not request it, is self-abuse". Be clear. Be firm. And if not, you know it is a tough however correct decision ahead.

This is why input from a wise person is important. Our alignment instantly shifts

 

[SteveO]

Would it shock anyone here if I sad my GF is not a Fastlaner? OMG! She's an operating room nurse and gets a paycheck. Yet, she is supportive of anything I do, and I am supportive of her dreams.

Is there any doubt that she would be supportive since you have already made it?

 

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[Vigilante]

It's not easy. It is worth it.

The dangers lay in the little daily decisions.

Marriages don't crumble in a day.

 

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[Mattie]

Personally, I think you have to have two exceptional people to make it through entrepreneurship. I think you have to look at it from their perspective too. You're spending hours and hours building a business.

Women and men both love attention. If you're not paying attention to them, someone else is. And of course like any other habit or addiction, even though entrepreneurship is for the money, life, and positive things, it still steels valuable time away from the relationship, and really we're asking them to make sacrifices the same as us on the journey.

The mindset is what gets us in trouble, because we're pumping our brains all the time with knowledge, and other people aren't. So then it becomes difficult when habits and lifestyles are shifting, but the world around us remains the same.

It's hard to balance life and relationships, but I guess it depends on priorities, and making the time to maintain both business and the relationship. One or the other suffers at times. It's what you highly value the most. Having a relationship and money, money, or love. There are three different choices here, and I suppose we all make the choices as we go along.

I believe we also have to remember, if it was easy, everyone would be doing it. And we all know their are a million steps in the process of entrepreneurship. I believe you really can't complain about other people who prefer to live in slow lane if that's what is best for them. And I don't believe everyone has it in them to be a successful entrepreneur. I believe you have to evaluate whether you're expectations of the person are realistic or not. And whether the person is worth waiting to grow and develop along with you, or just completely not compatible.

I know some people learn in big chunks, others in small chunks. Some learn fast and others slow.

I don't think just because I'm an entrepreneur to expect everyone around me to live the same lifestyle. It's unrealistic. And yes mindset is key, we all know this. I have to say I have sacrificed a lot of people out of my life to succeed. Sometimes it sucks, but I don't know that being a loner all the time is very healthy.

It might seem grand to be focused on projects all the time, but what's the big deal if you spend some quality time with your partner or family. If it's not something you like to do, be creative and invite them to do something else that interests you both.

Like I stated, before I suppose it's about how much you value companionship and your partner, or rather be alone and just be focused on your work.

 

[Vagabond 007]

I used to be engaged to a woman who didn't really support my dreams and ambitions. She was too caught up in playing it "safe." I used to work at home and made enough working 5 hours a week to pay the bills. But, she just saw it as me sitting home all day why she went to her job and worked.

I eventually got a "real job." She kept suggesting it, you know, because "we were getting married and needed steady income."

There were other issues. She plays the victim card all of the time. Loves to "hope" things will get better. At one point I suggested she read a book I had (Beyond Positive Thinking). I told her it changed my life and has the ability to maybe change hers. Her response..."I don't have time to read that book."

Unbelievable. She couldn't take the time to read a book that her fiance said changed his life and said it may change hers. Yet she had no problem watching TV. I should have left her then.

We didn't last much longer. I broke it off 7 months before the wedding.

I've been with my current gf for almost a year and a half now. She's a slowlaner...she works for her mom's business. She has NO desire (literally ZERO desire) to take over her mom's business when she retires.

With that being said, she FULLY supports me in whatever I choose to do. It's amazing how much it helps to have your bf/gf/spouse support you. It really does help to have someone there to encourage you.

I don't bother her about her slowlane job and she fully supports what I want to accomplish in life. So it works out just fine.

My opinion, if your gf/bf doesn't support your ambitions, end it. Period. The sooner the better. It won't last anyway. One of you will eventually grow tired of the constant differences. It's very rare for people to change. So don't expect them to.

 

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[CarrieW]

a post on fb today said...

a "SHIP" is designed to take you places. so if your FriendSHIP, CompanionSHIP, PartnerSHIP, or RelationSHIP isn't taking you anywhere...

Abandon SHIP!

LOL

 

[Nadia]

Wow this thread has my head SPINNING!

I saw a lot about FL men who date/ are married to SL women. Are there any FL women who date/ are married to SL men?

As a woman I fully believe that the majority, if not ALL women, regardless of if they will admit to it or not, have a preference for a man who can provide for her, and be that source of financial safety and security in the relationship. To me being financially stable has a direct correlation to how well you can lead a family/relationship and the options you have to provide that family with the vision they have and want for the family life. (This is one thought- because surely you can do those things with a SL job, but I'm obviously referring to this in regard to what a FL can do- and all the other reasons why FLers prefer the FL over the SL)

If you are a FL woman married to or dating a SL man, or if you have opinions on that type of dynamic in regard to this topic in general, can you please share it here, I would love to read it. Is the consensus the exact same as the FL men have for the SL women? I'm very curious to see what the women here think about it.

I assume there are no SL men on this forum, so to the FL men here, what do you think about the dynamic?

Personally, I am a young woman who is ferociously ambitious. I have the mindset, I have the courage, and determination, I have the discipline in me to sacrifice whatever I need to, and I am willing to take big educated, well researched risks to accomplish my (huge FL) ambitions. I love being self sustaining, and independent. I love the security of knowing I don't have to say, do or be someone I don't want to be because it is contingent upon financial help I need from someone. However, with all of this being true, inside of me I am attracted to men who are in high positions of power and authority. I am attracted to a super confident alpha male, who is a leader, and decision maker, and someone who is physically strong, who just looks and sounds like he can and will provide, protect you and keep you safe.

I know that I can not make it with a SL partner. Because for me, the mindsets and outlook on life are too far apart, regardless of if he supports me or not! I would not be ok with myself taking the effort needed to develop (self development/personal development/positive and effective habits) myself to what is necessary to succeed on this level while my slow lane husband was just content to do the slow lane thing, even though that's his right and choice and he isn't bothering anybody.

Reading all of the perspectives from the men, which I loved what Vegabond had to say, I am left wondering if the women are ok and satisfied with being with a Slowlane man, if they are with one.

Carrie, you have spoken up, so I would like to hear more of your thoughts on this. When I read your posts in regard to your hubby, the way you wrote it I was thinking well, of course he isn't going to not support your efforts, he is watching TV waiting for you to make it so he can benefit and he didn't have to go through anything hard or uncomfortable to get access to those benefits. So if you make it or not, he spent his time doing whatever it was he wanted to do, and remains unaffected either way, and meanwhile you have to address and deal with the results of your efforts. Maybe that's not how you meant it, but that's how it came off to me. For me personally, I would not be ok with something like this- if it's FL/ SL or SL/ SL. To me its like having a business partner who filed the LLC paperwork but did no research, no marketing, no phone calls, etc. but is always trying to make sure their cut came in on time.

@AroundTheWorld
@yveskleinsky
@Nadia
@Nicole
@CarrieW

What do you ladies think? I have no problem with sharing or providing in a relationship, both sides must contribute the best they can- hopefully at least 50-50. I think of relationships as being team mates who both put in what is necessary so they both can get out of it what they want and need. Maybe I need to mature more, because I feel like emotional support is not enough, my partner needs to be working just as hard and being just as ambitious about creating the best quality of life for us. I feel the partner needs to actually be on the same page with you and help you try to make it happen beyond saying I support you, keep working on it and I'm sure one day it will happen for you. Do I feel this way because I'm a woman, or is it because that is the most logical reason? In my head I know I feel this way because to me, it is the most logical thing. You aren't going to watch sports all day and hang out all day while I am sacrificing and reading and researching and being the most uncomfortable I've ever been, and then when it works out you want to come along for the ride and enjoy everything, I will feel some type of way! Will I have to give my man a monthly allowance so he can be in position to quit his job and live the freedom based lifestyle that I want and envision for myself?! HELL NO! I just can't see it. Wouldn't my man feel emasculated if I did that?

Do you guys think that highly successful women (like Oprah) or surgeons, attorneys, etc.who are not married has more to do with them not being able to find anyone, or because success has them limited and or stigmatized in some way?

I know I have these thoughts jumping all around, but please just respond to what you can. Because it seems like some people say a man should stay with a SL partner, but I wonder if anyone thinks that it makes no difference and a woman should stay with a SL man as well. If I was a man, I don't think I would want to be with a SL woman either, if I was doing the whole FL, so I'm not just saying this because I'm a woman.

VERY good statement. Let's break this down both subjective and objectively.

Yes. YES. ALL women want three things in a man. A protector. A provider. A leader. FL men are MUCH MORE comfortable being with an SL, than we would be. A man, irrespective of whatever we do as women, is the head of the family. So, for him the woman earning less or not being on the same road, isn't THAT big of an issue. However, for us, when we reach a certain pinnacle of success, the level of man we can date and marry is SIGNIFICANTLY reduced.

You are attracted to Mr Blue Diamond Atlas Man. Yes, they exist. And for years, I used to be exactly the same. Until I met my boyfriend 2 years back. I owned a very successful spa and he was/still is an Economist working in the City of London. Money was never an issue to both of us. And yet, he left the country to go to Kuwait, to pursue a position being offered. He came around in my life a few months back and candidly sat me down and said he ran because he didn't feel ENOUGH. Shame, really. He is a very handsome, intelligent and ambitious man and didn't feel he was worthy enough to be with me. I had NO idea of this. I felt really sad when I learned of it. He didn't date or pursue any other woman whilst away, apparently I'd made too much of an "impact" to have done so.

He told me a few home truths that shocked me. He hadn't "really" thought of a business until he met me and we started dating. He never thought Entrepreneurship could be REAL, that it could be DONE. But when he walked into my day spa and saw operations, it hit HOME. My boyfriend taught me patience, I still sometimes want the aggressive, alpha ALL THE TIME and then realise it is my slutty ovaries talking LOL.

What you're talking about honey, is an idiot UNWILLING to change. I posted earlier on another thread. Some SL's are REALLY smart but just don't KNOW there is another WAY out. My boyfriend surely didn't. Intelligent and worldly as he is, he thought maybe, just maybe one day, he'd do it. Being with me even for a short period of time, years back kicked his a$$ HARD. The cogs started turning in his head when---- "Nadia, I sat alone in my apartment and realised I had thrown away a perfect relationship with you to slave away for some idiot, and I was miserable. I knew my life needed to change, dramatically. I was determined to be the man you needed me to be. To provide, protect and support both of us and I was a coward to have behaved the way I did." He had done his growing up and he was honourable to me when we were together, so I was willing to see how it worked out.

Success is hard for us women. It challenges the typical unevolved male ego. We demand more because we can bring more. And I realised that I want a man who works hard, hustles (he is in the process of this too) and EMOTIONALLY KIND. I had days where I sat in my car crying because something at the spa happened and even though my boyfriend was at his job, he did a great job of holding the fort down when I needed him. He made me feel loved.

I totally understand your thoughts, they are valid and I share them. I go easy on my bf as I let him find his OWN business path. Sometimes he doesn't quite get the intense drive however in time, I've seen him warm up to it. MUCH more.

So in conclusion, allow a man who UNDERSTANDS you. Not necessarily needing to be super FL like us, however won't be lazy on his a$$. A man who is loyal, honourable and emotionally kind is as important as the man who wants to build the legacy with you!

 

[Nadia]

Knowing what you said in your follow on posts, why are you guys doing a postnup? It seems like you've worked like a team through hell and for decades, why do the business portion of a divorce now?

When DW says "whatever you want" for something important I see an oncoming train, maybe years out, and start asking LOTS of questions.

The willing to change part Nadia mentions is everything. My wife and I are technically slowlaners, but we went from the sidewalk to a really fast part of the slow lane, and we had to evolve dramatically together to do so.

Thank you When my boyfriend and I, were first together---he was very much "Nadia is the spa owner. Oh God. I wonder why she even needs me". I didn't force him. He even asked me one day "If we had a daughter, would you want her to be a business woman like you?" and I said "She could be anything she wanted however I would be teaching her the fundamentals of Business and Wealth Building as a little girl!" . When we got back together, 2 years apart had made him WANT to change. This is the bit women don't know.

Don't comfort a man. A man evolves and grows into a man through Pressure. Pressure makes a man STEP UP.

I did no chasing. Nothing. He grew when he was ready. I knew he had it somewhere in him. I just showed him an example and now he's working on a plan. It's actually cute seeing the little wheels turn in his head and i'm like *fistpump* YAY! He's GOT it!

He was willing to change.

 

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[Nadia]

@CarrieW- Which I guess balances out Nadia's post for the needs of men. You ably demonstrate the key needs of most women(especially moms)- security and emotional support.

It's taken me forever to learn that latter one...

Yes. I choose my boyfriend first and foremost for his emotional support. He is a strong, masculine man but very emotionally supportive. He is kind and loving towards me and I wouldn't trade him in for any other man in this entire world. Women, so often forget how many abusive dicks are in this world and how a woman's feelings mean nothing when push comes to shove. I also agree with prenups, you can never be too careful.

I come back to what women want. A Protector. A Provider. A Leader.

Let me leave you with my friend Pete's video.

LOTS of guys, hate him. Because it is EXACTLY what women think.