Asking someone if they need help - how exactly?

[IrishSpring600]

So I've said hi to a lot of people in the past day and I know it may or may not fill a need of bettering their day. Honestly, I just want to spread positivity.

How exactly do I find out if someone needs help and if I'm able to help them? I have zero friends but I have no problem approaching a stranger...I just need a script.

 

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[HoneyBadger]

I think the post you posted yesterday detailing your experience with this was pretty much how it would go (when you asked the lady at the gym if she needed help with the garbage). Alternatively you could spot someone struggling with something - like when you went to the park maybe you saw someone trying to self time their 40 speed (Sprinting) - maybe say "hey man want me to run the stopwatch for you". In that way you get past their roadblock of understanding that you can be of help before they first say they don't need it.

Do you mind me asking - is the goal here trying to find someone who will eventually pay you to help them?

 

[Longinus]

Dude, you seem desperate.

 

[devine]

Dude, you seem desperate.

No good life has ever produced an outstanding successful personality.

 

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[HoneyBadger]

Dude, you seem desperate.

He does come off that way but to be honest the more I stick around here I realize he is at the least relentless. If he can hone some business acumen to be able to apply that too I would not be surprised that he ends up being successful.

The flaky quality post a day thing can be a little much though and really this all should be in one progress thread and condensed to 3-4 days in one post. This is just based on my interpretation of the unspoken rules I see here on this forum.

 

[IrishSpring600]

I think the post you posted yesterday detailing your experience with this was pretty much how it would go (when you asked the lady at the gym if she needed help with the garbage). Alternatively you could spot someone struggling with something - like when you went to the park maybe you saw someone trying to self time their 40 speed (Sprinting) - maybe say "hey man want me to run the stopwatch for you". In that way you get past their roadblock of understanding that you can be of help before they first say they don't need it.

Do you mind me asking - is the goal here trying to find someone who will eventually pay you to help them?

No, not at all. I wouldn't mind doing this for free. My goal is to simply help someone else...I need friends more than anything, even money. I have zero friends.

Dude, you seem desperate.

Truthfully, I am. I have no friends and I compare myself a lot to my ex. I'm F*cked in the head. I do a lot of lifting and working out and that keeps me sane. I just want to help people. I remember in college I had a lot of friends because I knew the hotspots and the fun spots for the nights.

I just had a conversation with two old ladies as I was typing this post. They were inquiring about my FiveFingers. They got the idea that it keeps your toes in a natural position, which is pretty cool.

So I like this whole no-expectation thing going on, but I suppose the F*cked-up-in-the-head part is that I wish I had a friend, or a partner, that is on the same journey that I am. I love that this forum is great for that, and there are many similar minded people here. But I've spent a lot of my life socializing on forums; I'm taking it to real life.

 

[jon.a]

No, not at all. I wouldn't mind doing this for free. My goal is to simply help someone else...I need friends more than anything, even money. I have zero friends.



Truthfully, I am. I have no friends and I compare myself a lot to my ex. I'm F*cked in the head. I do a lot of lifting and working out and that keeps me sane. I just want to help people. I remember in college I had a lot of friends because I knew the hotspots and the fun spots for the nights.

Volunteer for something. @Vigilante works with the Red Cross.

 

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[IrishSpring600]

He does come off that way but to be honest the more I stick around here I realize he is at the least relentless. If he can hone some business acumen to be able to apply that too I would not be surprised that he ends up being successful.

The flaky quality post a day thing can be a little much though and really this all should be in one progress thread and condensed to 3-4 days in one post. This is just based on my interpretation of the unspoken rules I see here on this forum.

You're right, I should have posted this thread in my progress thread. I sincerely apologize.

Volunteer for something. @Vigilante works with the Red Cross.

Okay. I'm going home now and looking up volunteering opportunities so I can become a volunteer.

 

[mayana]

So I've said hi to a lot of people in the past day and I know it may or may not fill a need of bettering their day. Honestly, I just want to spread positivity.

How exactly do I find out if someone needs help and if I'm able to help them? I have zero friends but I have no problem approaching a stranger...I just need a script.

Just keep up what you are doing. Hang out at the park and do interesting things. People will eventually ask you about something (like the ladies who asked about your FiveFingers). You'll also have the chance to spot a dog who gets off his leash and help the owner catch him, or some other random thing.

I don't mean ONLY hang out at the park, but the more that you are out in public, the more likely it is that you'll run into interesting people to talk to, and to maybe eventually become friends with.

I also agree with the volunteering idea. There are ALL sorts of places to volunteer. I use to go to the animal shelter to walk the dogs and pet the cats. You could volunteer at the library, at a state park, at the Red Cross, at a food kitchen, etc. There is a lot of need, and you will meet like minded people that you might eventually become friends with.

(This website http://www.volunteermatch.org/ might help you find something you are interested in helping with).

And who knows, you might find a socially responsible business idea while you are at it

 

[Longinus]

Join Toastmasters.
Choose a team sport.
Start dancing lessons.
Quit your job and find another.
Go to Africa to do voluntary work.

Get a life. You only have one. Your forefathers fought wars, survived famine and plague only to put you on this earth and you don't know what to do.

 

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[jon.a]

Start dancing lessons.

Bingo!

Mrs jon and I used to take dance lessons. A single guy would have killed it there.

 

[HoneyBadger]

No, not at all. I wouldn't mind doing this for free. My goal is to simply help someone else...I need friends more than anything, even money. I have zero friends.

I think I recall you saying you play soccer before. You are in Miami so there are endless adult rec leagues for soccer. You can make a lot of very close companionship playing sports. You may want to try that - or even start pick up games at the park you go to. Throw up flyers around the park - post it on FB and just run it the same time every week and you will be surprised how quickly it grows into something.

 

[Scot]

Join Toastmasters.

This^ Join Tosstmasters, I think this would be a great opportunity for you to learn to communicate effectively and to network.

 

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[Longinus]

Listen.

People think about themselves. Why would they start talking to you? Do you look average? Are you just one piece in the grey mass? Just lifting ain't enough, dress well. Create charisma. It's not an overnight process. Build your image brick by brick. Not by just doing one thing, it's the sum of all you do that makes you "you".

Are you interesting? What do you have to tell? Just small talk about the weather? For example, I can always impress people because I know a lot about history and geography and nature. It's not that I want to impress them, it just interests me. I love to learn things to people and I'm always hungry for more knowledge and I read a shitload of boring books.

Can you give a few reasons why people would befriend you? Are you a funny guy? You don't have to be funny to say funny things. Humor is very effective to connect with people. Attract people just by being the authentic you. All people claim to be authentic, but srsly, check instagram en see how "authentic" everybody is by copying the same pose as all their followers for 5 years straight. How authentic.

You know you are authentic when people say to you that they have seen you several times, but you haven't noticed them before. Because they look like all other guys of their age. Because they look boring.
------------------------------
END OF RANT


You already showed you have guts and you dare to show your vulnerability. I do believe you can do this.

 

[IrishSpring600]

Listen.

People think about themselves. Why would they start talking to you? Do you look average? Are you just one piece in the grey mass? Just lifting ain't enough, dress well. Create charisma. It's not an overnight process. Build your image brick by brick. Not by just doing one thing, it's the sum of all you do that makes you "you".

Are you interesting? What do you have to tell? Just small talk about the weather? For example, I can always impress people because I know a lot about history and geography and nature. It's not that I want to impress them, it just interests me. I love to learn things to people and I'm always hungry for more knowledge and I read a shitload of boring books.

Can you give a few reasons why people would befriend you? Are you a funny guy? You don't have to be funny to say funny things. Humor is very effective to connect with people. Attract people just by being the authentic you. All people claim to be authentic, but srsly, check instagram en see how "authentic" everybody is by copying the same pose as all their followers for 5 years straight. How authentic.

You know you are authentic when people say to you that they have seen you several times, but you haven't noticed them before. Because they look like all other guys of their age. Because they look boring.
------------------------------
END OF RANT


You already showed you have guts and you dare to show your vulnerability. I do believe you can do this.

I have Vibrams that I wear everywhere and people sometimes look at them but don't say anything, so that's a good opportunity to share some love for my Vibrams. I haven't said much other than "Hi" to people since college, so I'm going to have to practice being authentic and finding out how I express myself. I'm going to the gym to foam roll and I'll post the results on this thread about helping people while I'm there (creating a problem and a solution).

 

[InformationH]

Just my 2¢. You've probably heard both of these but maybe not in relation to bussiness.

When a plane is going down and the oxygeon masks come out parents are told to put their mask on first and then help their children. This is because the parents must help themselves first so they can then help their children. If the parent passes out they arent much help anymore.

Similarly, people often say you should be comfortable being alone and loving yourself as a person before looking for a serious relationship.

If youre not already maybe you should focus on yourself and your own personal development for awhile. Read some books focused on entreprenuership and personal development and you'll have a better ground from which to help others.

Keep making progress!

 

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[IrishSpring600]

Just my 2¢. You've probably heard both of these but maybe not in relation to bussiness.

When a plane is going down and the oxygeon masks come out parents are told to put their mask on first and then help their children. This is because the parents must help themselves first so they can then help their children. If the parent passes out they arent much help anymore.

Similarly, people often say you should be comfortable being alone and loving yourself as a person before looking for a serious relationship.

If youre not already maybe you should focus on yourself and your own personal development for awhile. Read some books focused on entreprenuership and personal development and you'll have a better ground from which to help others.

Keep making progress!

Yeah, I'm definitely off the market for a relationship. I have no intent on picking anyone up; I am going to the gym to help (creating a problem and solving it.)

For example, and this is a big one: most perform a standing overhead press by just pushing the bar above their head, the bar rising diagonally. But experience has taught me this is not the most efficient way to press the bar; it must be brought over the center of gravity once above the head, and then pressed up.

 

[Andy Black]

"To be interesting, be interested."

Want to know how I sometimes get talking to business owners? I slap a stupid smile on my face and just ask them "How's business going?". Boom... floodgates opened (if they have issues they're dealing with).

The greatest gift you can give someone is your attention. Kids crave attention and will do anything to get it, even if it's bad attention.

Learn to give attention instead and see what comes of it.

To be able to give attention, you've got to have matured enough that you no longer crave it.


Do you know the reason why saying Thank You works? It's because you've given someone attention.

How often do you stop, look someone in the eye, and say Thank You?




I can't help thinking you're over-complicating this. I don't think you're alone though. I've PM'd over 1,000 forum members and there are some over-riding patterns.

I wrote them up in this post here:

• Learnings from 700+ PMs with fellow forum members

This particular post in that thread springs to mind. It just describes me to a tee:

Someone just PM'd me after reading this post, asking how to learn to give without expectation of anything in return.

Here's my reply:


How to learn to give without wanting anything in return?

Baby steps.



Smile first.

Say hello first.

Say thank you.

Give a Like.

Send some Rep.


Strike up a friendly conversation with someone who looks bored or is having a bad day at work.

Hold a door open for someone.

Help someone with their shopping.

Give some money to a homeless person.

Tip a waiter or waitress bigger than normal.

Give a hitch-hiker a lift.

Double back and give a hitch-hiker a lift.

Drop them further towards their destination than you needed to.



Make someone smile.

Have a laugh with someone.

Put your hand on someone's shoulder and look them in the eye when you say sorry.

Put your phone down when someone talks to you.



Start small.

See the effect your actions have on others.

Feel those nice feelings within yourself for doing it.

Create an imbalance in the world.

If you got something back each time you helped someone, then each transaction would be complete.

Have faith it will come back to you.



Like everything, just start.



It's been said I live in a "sunny little world".

I didn't realise I did until they'd said it.

I didn't realise some people lived in dark little worlds.

My world revolves around making other people's days a bit sunnier.

I smile first.

They smile back.

I live in a world of smiling people.

That's pretty good for starters eh?

Maybe this radio interview might help you too:

• The biggest reason websites suck

And maybe even this chat between myself and @The-J might help you:

• AndyTalks with The-J

TL;DR To answer your question of "how to ask people if they want help" - just ask them "how're things going?" and then shut up. They'll do the rest if they want any help.

 

[Andy Black]

Volunteer for something. @Vigilante works with the Red Cross.

Oh, and do this ^^^.

 

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[Ninjakid]

You do sound pretty desperate. By reading this, I'm getting the feeling that the reason you want to help people is because you're really looking for acceptance. I'm coupling this with the fact that in another post of yours, you were pissed that people wren't saying hi to you back.

I feel you need to take a step back and stop trying to appeal to others. The need of acceptance from others is rooted in a feeling of lack in one's self. You're feeling incomplete because o the lack of positive relationships in your life, hence you're trying to get rid of all the things you feel are wrong with you hoping that someone will notice you and accept you.

In agreement with what some of the other members have said, you should pick up hobbies and get involved with activities to channel your energy outward. That way you aren't constantly critiquing and trying to tweak yourself. As you realize your competency and skill in these outer areas, you'll generate genuine self-confidence. With genuine self-confidence you'll attract healthy relationships with people without having to try so hard.

I also recommend meditation every day to calm your mind, and learn to focus your energy.

 

[Siberia]

So I've said hi to a lot of people in the past day and I know it may or may not fill a need of bettering their day. Honestly, I just want to spread positivity.

How exactly do I find out if someone needs help and if I'm able to help them? I have zero friends but I have no problem approaching a stranger...I just need a script.

Hi,
if you saw my post between those of new profiles, well you find them the answer you need. do you think the FASTLANE is also solidarity 'with defenseless people. Read my post and let me know what you think. thank you very much.

 

[CaptainAmerica]

oh, I'm sorry I'm coming late to this party!

Dude, I used to be like you. Only worse, because I STILL can't wrap my ego around 'be helpful because you like people'. I'm not altruistic. I don't like people, except in mass quantities, and only so I can manipulate them; or individually, and then only the quirky livewire ones.

So how can I join the Fastlane and minimize being a dick? It's not easy. The path to entrepreneurship isn't about the money - it's about connection. So we have to join the economy, and actively seek people out who need our expertise and skills. With me so far?

In order to seek them out, we first have to prove to ourselves that we have the chops. That means learning real, hard skills - learning another language, practicing our craft, creating a library of intellectual property. We have to do this before we can have an intelligent conversation with anyone about what they need.

In addition, we all have to be a part of something that's bigger than us. Otherwise we run the risk of being a self-made drone, only capable of pestering people at barbeques to listen as we desperately force our MLM insurance on them. Don't be that guy.

I became my work a few years ago, and when the company let me go, I spun out into a rather disgusting and pitiful existence. To kick over the traces, I did what everyone here suggested - I volunteered. I joined a gym. No, that's not quite right. I joined Search & Rescue, and started training. Hard skills means I have something to offer. Doing interesting things lets me meet other interesting people. There is so much more than one plane of connecting - find the ones that work for you.

You want a script? Try this: "Hey, hi. What are you working on?"

 

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[Longinus]

Vibrams

OK, it's likely people look at them because they look like clown shoes, not because they are impressed. You might as well wear crocs.

 

[Siberia]

You do sound pretty desperate. By reading this, I'm getting the feeling that the reason you want to help people is because you're really looking for acceptance. I'm coupling this with the fact that in another post of yours, you were pissed that people wren't saying hi to you back.

I feel you need to take a step back and stop trying to appeal to others. The need of acceptance from others is rooted in a feeling of lack in one's self. You're feeling incomplete because o the lack of positive relationships in your life, hence you're trying to get rid of all the things you feel are wrong with you hoping that someone will notice you and accept you.

In agreement with what some of the other members have said, you should pick up hobbies and get involved with activities to channel your energy outward. That way you aren't constantly critiquing and trying to tweak yourself. As you realize your competency and skill in these outer areas, you'll generate genuine self-confidence. With genuine self-confidence you'll attract healthy relationships with people without having to try so hard.

I also recommend meditation every day to calm your mind, and learn to focus your energy.

Dear Friend,
thank you for your post. I do not seek anything for myself. I am not disperate.The goal of my post and 'helping other children who live as Omran in Aleppo or in similar cities' ,tormented by the war. It is already 'doing directly. I just thought that in a community 'like this someone may have operational ideas better than mine can be applied quickly to help these vulnerable people. I believe that solidarity 'human part of any Fastlaner luggage. I do not think you can associate with my post my point of view that I have expressed on other issues, would be out of place and inappropriate. I recommend you think for good for your mind that you have already 'enough. J wish you all the best. Good luck.

 

[Siberia]

oh, I'm sorry I'm coming late to this party!

Dude, I used to be like you. Only worse, because I STILL can't wrap my ego around 'be helpful because you like people'. I'm not altruistic. I don't like people, except in mass quantities, and only so I can manipulate them; or individually, and then only the quirky livewire ones.

So how can I join the Fastlane and minimize being a dick? It's not easy. The path to entrepreneurship isn't about the money - it's about connection. So we have to join the economy, and actively seek people out who need our expertise and skills. With me so far?

In order to seek them out, we first have to prove to ourselves that we have the chops. That means learning real, hard skills - learning another language, practicing our craft, creating a library of intellectual property. We have to do this before we can have an intelligent conversation with anyone about what they need.

In addition, we all have to be a part of something that's bigger than us. Otherwise we run the risk of being a self-made drone, only capable of pestering people at barbeques to listen as we desperately force our MLM insurance on them. Don't be that guy.

I became my work a few years ago, and when the company let me go, I spun out into a rather disgusting and pitiful existence. To kick over the traces, I did what everyone here suggested - I volunteered. I joined a gym. No, that's not quite right. I joined Search & Rescue, and started training. Hard skills means I have something to offer. Doing interesting things lets me meet other interesting people. There is so much more than one plane of connecting - find the ones that work for you.

You want a script? Try this: "Hey, hi. What are you working on?"

Hi friend,
thank you for your post. As an entrepreneur I have already 'find what I want and I'm enjoying it. I am here, in this great forum to learn new things. As an entrepreneur and as a man I want to be supportive within the limits of my ability 'weak and helpless persons. For me the solidarity 'and' a very important value in the life. With my post I wanted to share it with you in this forum. It is a call to action.

 

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[IrishSpring600]

There's definitely a lot of great viewpoints in this thread. Believe it or not @Andy Black , your material has helped me a lot. It is simple and practical.

I felt like napping before going to the gym. But time is of the essence.

I was able to let a guy know he should go below parallel on squats. He didn't know what that meant, so I explained and then asked him if he cared to know why he should do it, and he said "no, I'll just do it", so I left it at that. He proceeded to squat lower at higher weight, which was cool. Although his friend tried it, he did a rep and then nodded no, to which I said "you might have to lower the weight now but in two weeks you'll be stronger than this" and it removed his despair.

Saw a guy moving plates from one bar to the other so I thought I would help but he actually wanted the ones I moved in place, so that was awkward. It helps to ask if they need it, first!

Offered to spot someone and he said "no". So I smiled, gave a thumbs up, and said "okay".

Asked a woman what exercises she was doing, to which she replied "shoulders". After some joking, gave her a piece of advice on shoulder raises about pretending that the elbows are the hands. This mentally shortens your levers.

"Have a good day" works terrifically more effective than "Hi" to passersby (while I'm on a bike). Lots more smiling and less "WTF do I know him?"

Went to Toastmasters and enjoyed it! It is in a room with a positive atmosphere and driven people.

I got asked to describe my elevator pitch. I said, "Hello, I'm IrishSpring600. I'm an aspiring entrepreneur. I came to a Toastmasters once and I liked it so I decided to get a job to become a member."

"What will your business be about?"

Floored. I had no good response and said "oh it will have to be fitness", to which someone not-so-discreetly laughed. It left me in doubt. I don't know what's in demand.

I almost felt like walking out mid-meeting, but realized the answer is "I'm in the business of helping people". If I get asked, "what field?" I respond, "their field. If I'm able to help, I will give them a solution."

After the meeting and by using @Andy Black 's advice of giving attention, I advised a nervous woman to treat us like her kids and she's just a mom giving her kids advice. Since she has two kids, it worked! It opened her up and she couldn't stop talking. She then networked more, so that was cool. Maybe I should have offered to tutor her in Speech, but I would be stepping on the Toastmasters organizers toes - what do you think?

I was able to volunteer at the other event even though I arrived at closing time. She advised that I should assist in breakdown and I obliged.

This is the cheeriest place ever. Everyone's smiling and socializing: exactly like a college party minus the booze, frat boys, cops, etc. This is the event for performing artists demonstrating their talent. I also made plans with a guy that's looking to be more social and we're supposed to meet up at the same cafe - which, I just realized, is on labor day. That will probably fall through, but I do plan on giving more love around here and will eventually run into him.

It's a really loving community, and as I said, I'm glad I got to check out both events. I definitely am looking forward to giving more love (no psych majors, plz) tomorrow. Right now I have midnight shift in the valet. Let me know your feedback on this post, if it had too much fat and little meat, for example, so I know how to post in the future.

 

[IrishSpring600]

Gonna do this all day tomorrow

"To be interesting, be interested."


TL;DR To answer your question of "how to ask people if they want help" - just ask them "how're things going?" and then shut up. They'll do the rest if they want any help.

That first part helps continue a conversation a lot. Sometimes the person won't reply and that's when I've noticed I have stopped being interested.

Theres this lady at work that told me shes working as a concierge temporarily until she develops a product (that for some reason she erroneously calls a service) that educates cisco users on common errors. But then she told me she has to go to college first and get a degree because "they teach you everything in college". I am not going to argue with a fellow co-worker in a million years so I just agreed and said "Bye now, for real! " (since I had walked away because there was nothing to say until I remembered, "To be interesting, be interested" so I came back twice).

Although I wasn't able to let her know she's the leader of her own life, I know next time that I can let someone know, "there's no time to wait."

Actually, I really don't know how to persuade someone to not take time for granted without trying to yell at them.

 

[Ninjakid]

Dear Friend,
thank you for your post. I do not seek anything for myself. I am not disperate.The goal of my post and 'helping other children who live as Omran in Aleppo or in similar cities' ,tormented by the war. It is already 'doing directly. I just thought that in a community 'like this someone may have operational ideas better than mine can be applied quickly to help these vulnerable people. I believe that solidarity 'human part of any Fastlaner luggage. I do not think you can associate with my post my point of view that I have expressed on other issues, would be out of place and inappropriate. I recommend you think for good for your mind that you have already 'enough. J wish you all the best. Good luck.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what you're talking about, and I don't know how to reply to your comment

 

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[HoneyBadger]

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure what you're talking about, and I don't know how to reply to your comment

Seriously man what in the world are his 3 posts rambling / ranting about?

 

[Ninjakid]

Seriously man what in the world are his 3 posts rambling / ranting about?

There is a legend few times a year, the Confusion Man takes the form of a forum user, and brings mass confusion to all the other users on the forum.
For a while, the Confusion Man took the form of a user called Lights, who remained for several years wrapping the minds of all who was in his path.
Now Confusion Man has come back once again, to fulfill their ultimate goal making sure no one understands anything.