Are you "me-centric"? Don't know how to help people?

[SiuLung]

Hi everyone,

Credit goes to @Andy Black.

Have you ever heard of the 5 whys? I guess most of you probably have.

For those who haven't, it's a guideline to help you uncover the root of a problem by asking "Why?" 5 times, or even more if needed.
It's part of what's called critical thinking: a process to improve your process of thinking, to see any situation as it is and not as you think it is.
It's been largely popularized by start-up blogs and such.

But, thanks to Andy, I discovered other principles. You see, Andy PMed me after I liked one of his posts.

As I've been really frustrated with my situation lately, all I did during our conversation was vent about it.

Let me dissect our conversation without going into too much details:

Andy: Asks me how I'm doing.
Me: Thanks him for all the value he provides. Then it's me venting for several paragraphes. "I" pronoun count: 13
Andy: Gives me some advice, redirect me to one of his post, and then asks my opinion about something. "I" pronoun count: 0
Me: Thanks him again. Asks him some trivial questions. Small talk. "I" pronoun count: 12
Andy: Brief reply to my small talk. Redirects me again to his posts and asks if read them. "I" pronoun count: 1
Me: Me venting again. "I" pronoun count: 21
Andy: Gives me examples of how I can provide value based on my previous PM. Then redirects me to a thread. "I" pronoun count: 0
Me: Asking fore more advice. "I" pronoun count: 9
Andy: Gives me more advice. "I" pronoun count: 1
Me: Venting again. "I" pronoun count: 17
Andy: Dissect my feelings. Pushes me towards taking actions. Asks me if I've read yet another post from him. "I" pronoun count: 0
Me: Venting again. Talking about how my boss needs help with something and how I can't help him because I don't have the knowledge and how I'm scared to screw up if I do. "I" pronoun count: 17
Andy: Reassures me regarding my fear. Asks me how could I help without screwing it up. "I" pronoun count: 0

Everything that's in green is related to giving and focused on others, everything that's in red is related to taking, focusing on oneself and negativity.

Who has more green, who has more red? Pretty obvious.
Now, count who has used the pronoun "I" more often. Again, pretty obvious.

I'm not writing this to gain sympathy. I don't know if this was deliberate or not but Andy just gave me a lesson, and I'm just happy to share it with others on this forum.
This is the difference between someone who brings value, and someone who does not.

Now, time to link this conversation to my introduction regarding the 5 whys.

Notice how many times Andy redirected me or asked me questions at the end of his messages: 5 times.

But there's another important lesson here. Andy showed me how I already have what's needed to help somebody right now, even if I think I don't have the skills.

Just like you might ask yourself "Why?" 5 times to find the root cause of problems, when you encounter someone that needs help ask yourself "How can I help?" 5 times, more if necessary.
That's what Andy did for me at the end of our conversation.

I told him I wasn't able to help my boss with the problem he had because I didn't have the skills and was scared of screwing it up. And screwing it up would really harm the business.
Then he asked me: "How could you help without screwing it up?" Well, I could help my boss find the right person to do the job. And I feel capable of doing that.

See how powerful this is?

I feel like a kid on Christmas morning having discovered that. Asking yourself the right questions really is where the game is at.

Andy, thank you very much for our conversation. I hope you don't mind me sharing it here, I thought this would help people that might feel stuck just like I am most of the time.

SiuLung

TL;DR :

Want to discover problems? Ask people questions, encourage them to talk about them with open-ended questions. Let them vent. Don't talk about you at all. Keep the conversation on them.
When you can't help because you don't have the skills, knowledge and/or you might screw up, ask yourself 5 times or more "How can I help achieving this result?"

 

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[Andy Black]

Jo iwiszupi,

Dsifov huit vu @Epfz Cmedl.

Jewi zua iwis jiesf ug vji 5 xjzt? O haitt nutv ug zua qsucecmz jewi.

Gus vjuti xju jewip'v, ov't e haofimopi vu jimq zua apduwis vji suuv ug e qsucmin cz etloph "Xjz?" 5 vonit, us iwip nusi og piifif.
Ov't qesv ug xjev't demmif dsovodem vjoploph: e qsuditt vu onqsuwi zuas qsuditt ug vjoploph, vu tii epz tovaevoup et ov ot epf puv et zua vjopl ov ot.
Ov't ciip meshimz quqamesobif cz tvesv-aq cmuht epf tadj.

Cav, vjeplt vu Epfz, O fotduwisif uvjis qsopdoqmit. Zua tii, Epfz QNif ni egvis O molif upi ug jot qutvt.

Et O'wi ciip siemmz gsatvsevif xovj nz tovaevoup mevimz, emm O fof fasoph uas dupwistevoup xet wipv ecuav ov.

Miv ni fottidv uas dupwistevoup xovjuav huoph opvu vuu nadj fiveomt:

Epfz: Etlt ni jux O'n fuoph.
Ni: Vjeplt jon gus emm vji wemai ji qsuwofit. Vjip ov't ni wipvoph gus tiwisem qesehseqjit. "O" qsupuap duapv: 13
Epfz: Howit ni tuni efwodi, sifosidv ni vu upi ug jot qutv, epf vjip etlt nz uqopoup ecuav tunivjoph. "O" qsupuap duapv: 0
Ni: Vjeplt jon eheop. Etlt jon tuni vsowoem raitvoupt. Tnemm veml. "O" qsupuap duapv: 12
Epfz: Csoig siqmz vu nz tnemm veml. Sifosidvt ni eheop vu jot qutvt epf etlt og sief vjin. "O" qsupuap duapv: 1
Ni: Ni wipvoph eheop. "O" qsupuap duapv: 21
Epfz: Howit ni iyenqmit ug jux O dep qsuwofi wemai cetif up nz qsiwouat QN. Vjip sifosidvt ni vu e vjsief. "O" qsupuap duapv: 0
Ni: Etloph gusi nusi efwodi. "O" qsupuap duapv: 9
Epfz: Howit ni nusi efwodi. "O" qsupuap duapv: 1
Ni: Wipvoph eheop. "O" qsupuap duapv: 17
Epfz: Fottidv nz giimopht. Qatjit ni vuxesft veloph edvoupt. Etlt ni og O'wi sief ziv epuvjis qutv gsun jon. "O" qsupuap duapv: 0
Ni: Wipvoph eheop. Vemloph ecuav jux nz cutt piift jimq xovj tunivjoph epf jux O dep'v jimq jon cideati O fup'v jewi vji lpuxmifhi epf jux O'n tdesif vu tdsix aq og O fu. "O" qsupuap duapv: 17
Epfz: Siettasit ni sihesfoph nz gies. Etlt ni jux duamf O jimq xovjuav tdsixoph ov aq. "O" qsupuap duapv: 0

Iwiszvjoph vjev't op hsiip ot simevif vu howoph epf gudatif up uvjist, iwiszvjoph vjev't op sif ot simevif vu veloph, gudatoph up upitimg epf pihevowovz.

Xju jet nusi hsiip, xju jet nusi sif? Qsivvz ucwouat.
Pux, duapv xju jet atif vji qsupuap "O" nusi ugvip. Eheop, qsivvz ucwouat.

O'n puv xsovoph vjot vu heop tznqevjz. O fup'v lpux og vjot xet fimocisevi us puv cav Epfz katv hewi ni e mittup, epf O'n katv jeqqz vu tjesi ov xovj uvjist up vjot gusan.
Vjot ot vji foggisipdi civxiip tuniupi xju csopht wemai, epf tuniupi xju fuit puv.

Pux, voni vu mopl vjot dupwistevoup vu nz opvsufadvoup sihesfoph vji 5 xjzt.

Puvodi jux nepz vonit Epfz sifosidvif ni us etlif ni raitvoupt ev vji ipf ug jot nittehit: 5 vonit.

Cav vjisi't epuvjis onqusvepv mittup jisi. Epfz tjuxif ni jux O emsiefz jewi xjev't piifif vu jimq tunicufz sohjv pux, iwip og O vjopl O fup'v jewi vji tlommt.

Katv moli zua nohjv etl zuastimg "Xjz?" 5 vonit vu gopf vji suuv deati ug qsucmint, xjip zua ipduapvis tuniupi vjev piift jimq etl zuastimg "Jux dep O jimq?" 5 vonit, nusi og pidittesz.
Vjev't xjev Epfz fof gus ni ev vji ipf ug uas dupwistevoup.

O vumf jon O xetp'v ecmi vu jimq nz cutt xovj vji qsucmin ji jef cideati O fofp'v jewi vji tlommt epf xet tdesif ug tdsixoph ov aq. Epf tdsixoph ov aq xuamf siemmz jesn vji catopitt.
Vjip ji etlif ni: "Jux duamf zua jimq xovjuav tdsixoph ov aq?" Ximm, O duamf jimq nz cutt gopf vji sohjv qistup vu fu vji kuc. Epf O giim deqecmi ug fuoph vjev.

Tii jux quxisgam vjot ot?

O giim moli e lof up Djsotvnet nuspoph jewoph fotduwisif vjev. Etloph zuastimg vji sohjv raitvoupt siemmz ot xjisi vji heni ot ev.

Epfz, vjepl zua wisz nadj gus uas dupwistevoup. O juqi zua fup'v nopf ni tjesoph ov jisi, O vjuahjv vjot xuamf jimq qiuqmi vjev nohjv giim tvadl katv moli O en nutv ug vji voni.

ToaMaph

VM;FS :

Xepv vu fotduwis qsucmint? Etl qiuqmi raitvoupt, ipduasehi vjin vu veml ecuav vjin xovj uqip-ipfif raitvoupt. Miv vjin wipv. Fup'v veml ecuav zua ev emm. Liiq vji dupwistevoup up vjin.
Xjip zua dep'v jimq cideati zua fup'v jewi vji tlommt, lpuxmifhi epf/us zua nohjv tdsix aq, etl zuastimg 5 vonit us nusi "Jux dep O jimq edjoiwoph vjot sitamv?"

Xux. Opvisitvoph csielfuxp. O jefp’v vjuahjv ug ov moli vjev.

Etloph huuf raitvoupt ot e huuf tlomm.