The book that's changing my life (read if your life sucks)

[CountMonteCristo]

I want to recommend a book to my fellow wantrepreneurs which recently pulled me out of a very deep rut and is probably the most transformative book I've ever read.

Eric Berne - What do you say after you say hello?

Terrible title, terrific book. I read it in Hungarian and the translated title is simply "Script" which is infinitely more accurate and enticing.

It's a psychology book (originally meant as a handbook for therapists) and the premise is very similar to Unscripted : your life is following a script and the reason you self-sabotage/F*ck up constantly/not where you want to be is because you are wired to stick to your loser script.

But there's no conspiracy here, no evil puppetmasters pulling strings; the reason for your script is very simple and logical:

When you're born you know nothing. But by the time you are like 7 you already know a lot about how the world works. Now, is this knowledge accurate? Nope! It's just what you learned about how the world is from your parents and grandparents and peers and teachers. It's actually just a collection of biased views, false beliefs, judgment, and psychological baggage you inherit as part of your start up package which you will base ALL your future decisions and beliefs upon. Read that again, let it sink in.

So, if your life is F*cked and you constantly self-sabotage and don't exactly know why... it's probably a bunch of false beliefs you're still holding true in your subconscious that won't let you do what you actually want to do.

Or at least this is what I took away from it, I guess your mileage may vary...

But basically, the book gives you tools and examples to explore your script and psychological baggage and basically do therapy on yourself (or inspire you to find a therapist) so that you can free yourself from your script and finally do what you actually want to do.

 

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[MJ DeMarco]

So, if your life is f*cked and you constantly self-sabotage and don't exactly know why... it's probably a bunch of false beliefs you're still holding true in your subconscious that won't let you do what you actually want to do.

Amen...

I just wrote about this in my upcoming book. Instead of just rehashing, I'll just post a copy here...

The birth of Wolfgang Mozart did not include a piano. Tom Brady did not pop out of mom with a football. Jerry Seinfeld didn’t say hello to the world with a joke. In all cases of future excellence, it was earned in the past through a disciplined process in pursuit of exceptionalism.

Unfortunately, most people believe talent is genetic or born. They wait for talent to strike them like lightning.

Ever hear someone say, “I’m not good at that!”? Of course, you’re not good at that; you gave up after two tries! If you falsely believe talent is coded into your DNA and you’re waiting for its emergence, you’ll wait forever. Worse, you’ll never work hard to get talented. Likewise, if the competition was born with talent, but you weren’t, why bother? The only unlevel playing field exists in your head.

Hollywood promotes this pervasive myth. And it is a trojan horse which leads to the death of dreams. For example, in Star Wars: The Force Awakens, within hours, Rey wields a light-saber as if she trained for years. But she didn’t. She grabbed the weapon and wham— instant skill. If only life was so forgivingly accurate. Unfortunately, most people go through life with this expectation— they hope some mysterious “talent” awakens within them so they can skirt the disciplined process. Thanks Hollywood!

With this hereditary view of talent, you are likely to live your entire life talentless. Why? Because you aren’t interested in earning talent, you’re interested in discovering it.

 

[BlindSide]

Amen...

I just wrote about this in my upcoming book. Instead of just rehashing, I'll just post a copy here...

MJ my wallet is already out.

Great post.

 

[socaldude]

Now, is this knowledge accurate? Nope! It's just what you learned about how the world is from your parents and grandparents and peers and teachers

Thats exactly what it is. When you start out it’s like 99% of your mind is knowledge with hearsay properties. It’s the 1% pure independent knowledge that is our hope independent of our past. Nietzsche said something like the more people believe something the harder it is for you to doubt it. A lot of what holds us back is a corrupt self-image and self-esteem caused by confusing experiences that we cannot control.

I’ve notice a lot of good books like that come from Europe. All the good books I have on emotions and self-esteem are in French. I had to learn French to read them. Knowing Spanish, a Latin language, accelerated that process for me. Here in the USA we lack good books like that. It’s almost as if people here are not that interested in emotions and philosophy.

 

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[SEBASTlAN]

Is there a kindle version?

 

[Deleted78083]

I read a book outlining the exact same lessons and this has changed my life for the better. I will soon upload a summary of it. Book is called "personality isnt permanent". It helps you reframe your traumas so that they dont take as much space into your life, shift your focus from the past to the future, and outlines how you can become who you want to be by acting out these traits in the pursue of your future desired self. Absolutely brilliant!

 

[XxThelionxX]

I read a book outlining the exact same lessons and this has changed my life for the better. I will soon upload a summary of it. Book is called "personality isnt permanent". It helps you reframe your traumas so that they dont take as much space into your life, shift your focus from the past to the future, and outlines how you can become who you want to be by acting out these traits in the pursue of your future desired self. Absolutely brilliant!

That's brilliant

 

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[mattierocks]

I’ll be grabbing that book for sure. Thanks @CountMonteCristo

 

[Black_Dragon43]

Awesome share, thanks for putting it out here. I will be buying the book, looks very interesting.

Would you mind sharing a bit more how it helped you?

I'm somewhat familiar with Transactional Analysis and the underlying framework which the author uses in the book. Personally, I have tried psychoanalysis in the past, but I don't find the approach of exploring your childhood very useful. I find the idea that problems emerge out of childhood to be very problematic for two reasons. First, if your childhood is trauma free, then it doesn't follow that you cannot suffer massive traumas in the future which basically completely turn your life upside down. A war, etc. - anything out of your control. That can seriously mess you up.

And second, even if true, and childhood does have an effect, it only becomes part of the problem if you start focusing even more on your childhood and analysing it. The goal is to be free of your past, not to remain entangled in it. And by thinking more about it, analysing it, you're actually making it stronger. Its effects become more real. Which is why I personally found more help from meditation and the whole movement to be centered, and focused on the present as helpful. When you actually focus on the present, and start living from there, you sort of realise that your past, whatever it was, doesn't matter. Your past doesn't have to control your future. You're free of it. Directly.

 

[CountMonteCristo]

Would you mind sharing a bit more how it helped you?

Sure!

First of all here's a very dumbed down summary:

Script analysis (a branch of transactional analysis) isn't so much about uncovering childhood traumas, it's more about questioning the very core of your belief system. Your script is basically your subconscious idea of how your life should be lived. You might have a winner or a loser script based on how you were raised. Winner scripts lead to a mostly happy, exciting and prosperous life, loser scripts lead to depression, addiction, mental illness, and suicide.

Your script forms as a result of flawed humans (your parents and grandparents) teaching you how to make sense of the world at an age when you look at your parents like Gods that know everything. So things like "what it means to be a good person" or "how much negative emotion is it okay to express" or "how come we're not rich when some people are" are all defined for you before you can think for yourself. And these will form the base of your value and belief system which you'll refer to every time you make any kind of decision, which then forms your life path...

Now, here's how the book helped me:

As I wrote in my original post, this is not a self-help book, so it won't give you step by step solutions. It's more like a training manual for therapists so once you go through, you'll know enough to do amateur therapy on yourself.

Once I felt like I knew enough I did a little exercise where I wrote down my core values and beliefs that weren't in line with how I wanted to live my life. Things like...

"I kinda think all rich people have questionable ethics and take advantage of others"

"Being a good person means following rules and putting myself behind the needs of others"

"I feel like asking for help makes me weak or incompetent so I always want to do everything on my own"

No matter how ridiculous these seemed logically, I wrote them down because I felt like I kinda believed them. Then I could go through them and think about how to break their effect. (The book give many tools for this.)

I'd compare this to a psychedelic trip if you've ever had that experience. Basically taking the very core of your thinking apart, questioning everything, chucking out all the shit that doesn't belong and then putting it back together in a way that serves you better.

Additionally, the book has tons of little gold nuggets on human behavior, relationships, sexuality, addiction, and parenting so it's just a great read overall.

The goal is to be free of your past, not to remain entangled in it.

I agree with you on this and I personally have found eastern philosophy (Alan Watts) and meditation a very impactful part of my journey as well. But, it's difficult to let things go if your core value system doesn't let you work on yourself without feeling guilt or shame or an urgency to "worry about more important things" so I'd say it's a good idea to explore both.

 

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[Black_Dragon43]

Your script forms as a result of flawed humans (your parents and grandparents) teaching you how to make sense of the world at an age when you look at your parents like Gods that know everything. So things like "what it means to be a good person" or "how much negative emotion is it okay to express" or "how come we're not rich when some people are" are all defined for you before you can think for yourself. And these will form the base of your value and belief system which you'll refer to every time you make any kind of decision, which then forms your life path...

Yes, if we're talking about the fact that we sort of "wake up" with an already given identity when we're, say, teenagers, I think that is very much true. We have very little control over how we get shaped when we're small children. However, from that moment forward, we do have the power to shape it and change it if we work on ourselves. It's a mistake to let this "already-given" identity dictate your life.

"I kinda think all rich people have questionable ethics and take advantage of others"

"Being a good person means following rules and putting myself behind the needs of others"

"I feel like asking for help makes me weak or incompetent so I always want to do everything on my own"

No matter how ridiculous these seemed logically, I wrote them down because I felt like I kinda believed them. Then I could go through them and think about how to break their effect. (The book give many tools for this.)

I see, that's very interesting. So has it helped you to actually reshape those beliefs? As in, has your behavior actually change as a result of it? Are you doing better business wise? And could you share an example of the process of breaking one of these beliefs?

I agree with you on this and I personally have found eastern philosophy (Alan Watts) and meditation a very impactful part of my journey as well. But, it's difficult to let things go if your core value system doesn't let you work on yourself without feeling guilt or shame or an urgency to "worry about more important things" so I'd say it's a good idea to explore both.

I look at it as a continuous practice right? We're not going to get everything perfect from the first try, but so long as we keep trying, we're doing what matters most: consistently doing the practice. It's like in meditation... sometimes you lose awareness and get trapped back in thoughts, but when you become aware of it, you can just return to your practice of watching the breath without reacting with frustration.

It's similar here with regards to feelings of guilt or shame. When these surface, we can just stay centered, watch them, and not get lost in them. Sometimes, of course, we will. But when we realise that that has happened, we need to resume our practice of awareness. So those feelings will not vanish immediately when you practice meditation, but over time, their habitual hold over you will lessen. Being in a meditative frame of mind also allows you to remain aware of what is happening, so that you can take better, more rational decisions!

 

[CountMonteCristo]

It's a mistake to let this "already-given" identity dictate your life.

Haha, sure it's a mistake, but when you're doing it you don't really know any better. It's like saying "the voices are not real, you silly" to a schizophrenic. Many of us are never told (especially not in our teens) that we can shape our personality and question such essential definitions as what it means to be good, for example. Parents and teacher both want obedient kids who are easy to deal with, so nobody is going to tell you that you can redefine everything for yourself, question the authority of anyone, and just do whatever the hell you want to do.

So has it helped you to actually reshape those beliefs? As in, has your behavior actually change as a result of it? Are you doing better business wise?

Oh yeah. I've let a lot of things go that was causing me pointless anxiety and suffering. I feel much more free and in control of my life now, as cliché as that might sound.

And could you share an example of the process of breaking one of these beliefs?

Why not.

"Being a good person means following rules and putting myself behind the needs of others"

Now, obviously, this is a silly belief. But where does it come from?

Many of these false beliefs come from you as a kid being told how to behave. This one is pretty common, as kids who are obedient and polite and don't cause any trouble and rarely want anything for themselves are usually labeled as "good kids" and rewarded. So naturally when you grow up, it's ingrained in your thinking that wanting things you can't have and going against what you're told is selfish and bad behavior. (This is usually very subtle, you might not even think it's true logically, but it's in your subconscious and you always act accordingly.)

So if you want to be a little more selfish, go after what you want, break out of the norm and not care about what anyone thinks, you'll run into trouble because you're going against your own definitions of a "good person." So you'll self-sabotage, F*ck up, or try to make a compromise between the two (which you won't be happy with.)

Now, other than thinking this through and seeing where such beliefs come from, one of the most effective tools to break false beliefs is giving yourself permissions that overwrite the parental voice in your head. As silly as this sounds, just writing a statement that grants you permission to act a certain way can rewire your thinking. Something like:

"IT IS OKAY TO BE SELFISH AND CARE ABOUT WHAT I WANT, because if I don't nobody else will. And it has nothing to do with being good or bad."

So next time I'm trying to do something just for myself, deep down I don't feel like I'm misbehaving anymore because I have overwritten the parental voice with my own voice.

Does this make sense?

So those feelings will not vanish immediately when you practice meditation, but over time, their habitual hold over you will lessen. Being in a meditative frame of mind also allows you to remain aware of what is happening, so that you can take better, more rational decisions!

I don't doubt that meditation can lead to similar results, but I've never experienced it. I only started meditating a few months ago so I'm not too deep into it.

However, being able to break toxic thinking patterns that have haunted and stifled me for decades as a result of reading one book has been nothing short of amazing for me. And I wanted to share that with anyone who needs it as something worth exploring.

 

[Black_Dragon43]

Oh yeah. I've let a lot of things go that was causing me pointless anxiety and suffering. I feel much more free and in control of my life now, as cliché as that might sound.

That’s great! It’s really inspiring to see how much this helped you, and thanks again for sharing your experience!

"IT IS OKAY TO BE SELFISH AND CARE ABOUT WHAT I WANT, because if I don't nobody else will. And it has nothing to do with being good or bad."

So next time I'm trying to do something just for myself, deep down I don't feel like I'm misbehaving anymore because I have overwritten the parental voice with my own voice.

Does this make sense?

Yea, I think so. I tried something similar in terms of changing underlying beliefs via CBT. So basically what you had to do is break the problem situation down analytically, identify the underlying belief that was causing the problem, and then start questioning that belief and identifying other alternative beliefs that are more realistic.

The book where I learned this from was called Feeling Good by David Burns (he also recently released a new one, Feeling Great, also a great read).

So I found this technique helpful, but only so long as the emotions involved weren’t very strong. So I will give you an example of where it didn’t work for me: heights. So I’ve always been very afraid of heights for as long as I can remember. Logically, it makes sense that when I’m on a balcony looking down, I can’t fall. But my mind always starts thinking through possibilities... what if you lose your balance? What if you faint and fall over? And it starts playing the scenarios in my head, without requesting my approval, all in great detail like an actual movie. Naturally this evokes fear and anxiety, almost immediately. One time I was climbing St. Peter’s church in London, and I simply got stuck on the stairs since they were see-thru and you could see to the buttom, paralyzed by fear. So in such situations, I can try as much as I want to question the belief: “wait a second, I can’t really fall, Im not feeling dizzy, bla bla” and try as I might, the emotion doesnt disappear. Logically i can realise that it doesnt make sense, but I can’t internalise that so that it feels real if you get what I mean?

By not looking down + deep breathing and staying centered I can put a lid on the fear so to speak - it doesnt increase above a certain level, so that at least I can be functional and get out of the situation. But I never found a way to completely eliminate the fear, so I can be in situations where I am exposed to heights and I don’t feel fear or don’t think about falling. I’d love to know how to make that happen, but haven’t found a way that works yet! If you have any advice Id appreciate it for sure!

 

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[CountMonteCristo]

So I will give you an example of where it didn’t work for me: heights.

Okay, I see. Yes, such a phobia seems like a different problem, because the fear you feel is not completely irrational. You might have an extreme response, but heights are actually dangerous so it would make sense to be afraid of them to some degree.

Unfortunately, I never really had any of my phobias come up often enough to bother me so I don't know much about them. It's really cool that you've managed to tame yours with meditation, though!

 

[BenNguyen]

I want to recommend a book to my fellow wantrepreneurs which recently pulled me out of a very deep rut and is probably the most transformative book I've ever read.

Eric Berne - What do you say after you say hello?

Terrible title, terrific book. I read it in Hungarian and the translated title is simply "Script" which is infinitely more accurate and enticing.

It's a psychology book (originally meant as a handbook for therapists) and the premise is very similar to Unscripted : your life is following a script and the reason you self-sabotage/f*ck up constantly/not where you want to be is because you are wired to stick to your loser script.

But there's no conspiracy here, no evil puppetmasters pulling strings; the reason for your script is very simple and logical:

When you're born you know nothing. But by the time you are like 7 you already know a lot about how the world works. Now, is this knowledge accurate? Nope! It's just what you learned about how the world is from your parents and grandparents and peers and teachers. It's actually just a collection of biased views, false beliefs, judgment, and psychological baggage you inherit as part of your start up package which you will base ALL your future decisions and beliefs upon. Read that again, let it sink in.

So, if your life is f*cked and you constantly self-sabotage and don't exactly know why... it's probably a bunch of false beliefs you're still holding true in your subconscious that won't let you do what you actually want to do.

Or at least this is what I took away from it, I guess your mileage may vary...

But basically, the book gives you tools and examples to explore your script and psychological baggage and basically do therapy on yourself (or inspire you to find a therapist) so that you can free yourself from your script and finally do what you actually want to do.

Nice Men, Just ordered it, there are no ebooks of it, its the Old-school book
Got one from ebay for 5$
Its a thick book. Can’t wait to get it.

 

[Madame Peccato]

I read a book outlining the exact same lessons and this has changed my life for the better. I will soon upload a summary of it. Book is called "personality isnt permanent". It helps you reframe your traumas so that they dont take as much space into your life, shift your focus from the past to the future, and outlines how you can become who you want to be by acting out these traits in the pursue of your future desired self. Absolutely brilliant!

I just started reading this book, I read the introduction yesterday. I'll report back when I finish it.

 

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[Deleted78083]

I just started reading this book, I read the introduction yesterday. I'll report back when I finish it.

I have started a whole thread about it.

Don't hesitate to follow along!

Looking forward to hearing your opinion!

HOT! - BOOKS - Personality Isn't Permament, Bejamanin Hardy (Transcend yourself...)

Link to the Book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593083318/?tag=tff-amazonparser-20 Hello, It's me, mon_fi. I promised I'd make a threat summarizing the book "Personality isn't permanent" by Dr. Benjamin Hardy. This book may be one of the best self-development books I have ever read and I am...

www.thefastlaneforum.com

 

[Black_Dragon43]

I was reminded of you @CountMonteCristo and this thread as I was reviewing some Sandler Sales Training material (they've tried to integrate it with transactional analysis). Was just curious how things are going and if the changes (and impact) you made through the book are still holding for you.

 

[CountMonteCristo]

I was reminded of you @CountMonteCristo and this thread as I was reviewing some Sandler Sales Training material (they've tried to integrate it with transactional analysis). Was just curious how things are going and if the changes (and impact) you made through the book are still holding for you.

Hey! Thanks for checking in!

And yes, definitely! Rewriting my toxic thinking patterns has been a lasting change that to this day gives me a lot of control, autonomy, and confidence in my decisions.

This may not be relatable to everyone, but I was raised to be a fairly obedient child and I was taught to follow rules as best as I can, fit in, worry about what "important" ppl say or think, don't be confrontational, etc.

And I managed to give most of that up. Nowadays I do what I want to do (or makes sense for my goals) and nobody can make me do what I don't and I don't feel an ounce of guilt. It's pretty awesome.

Have you managed to read it?

 

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