Unsupportive spouse

[Iammelissamoore]

My first question is why? Why are you pursuing entrepreneurship? This is not me questioning your credibility, but it's more for you to get to the bottom of what you genuinely wish to contribute to society via entrepreneurship. I also ask this, because, based on the different options you have tried, you're feeling a bit all over the place, and this can get frustrating, because it feels as if there isn't much of a solid foundation that you're operating from. So sure, you may have experienced small bits of success here and there, but it hasn't been long enough to assure you that you are on the right path to experiencing success as you'd desire to.

Your wife may sound absolutely negative, but overstand that she is concerned, she is responding based on what she is seeing and not what she believes or don't believe about you.

On this journey, as far as family members, friends or whomever are concerned, seeing is believing, seeing is everything, and when we say we are in business, they expect mercedes benzs and money flowing like water to be the staples of this 'being in business' phenomenon from the get-go.

I saw you mentioned you have a job, good, use your job as your means for your day-to-day maintenance AND as a means of investing in what you need to get done to create a solid foundation for your fastlane business.

Not to sound cliche, but, I will recommend that you get your hands on the books TMF AND Unscripted if you hven't already, it is available in hard copy, soft copy and audio/audible. No, I am not receiving royalties for saying that, but I say it because there are exceptionally clear concepts required to follow-through, which will not only guarantee you the solidification you require, but, it will also guide you on the VERY important aspects of Entrepreneurship that are easily overlooked by both business schools and individuals trying to 'figure it out'.

The best thing about The Millionaire Fastlane philosophy, both in the form of the books AND in the form of this forum, is that the confirmation of success is written about from someone who genuinely experienced it.

Okay, so you are in your 40s, but I have news for you, Entrepreneurship is for ANY age category that wishes to bring genuine value to the world, whether in the form of an invention, new product/service, improved version of an already existing product/service, traditional or modern type of business; society enjoys placing limits on humanity and when we're walking the opposite of society, they'll throw everything at us, so most I can say is - Welcome to the Bright Side of Entrepreneurship - heck, the more my family speaks sinisterly about my endeavours, specifically in this young stage, is the more I feel that I'm doing the right thing.

My little 2 cents is for you to pause and figure out why you have chosen this path and based on that, you can see which direction to go, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, in addition to figuring out your why, GET your hands on the books, as they will help concretise that why and it will help steer you in a proper direction. You may feel as if you are starting over again, but at least you'd be starting over on the right foundation. This is why we have a new day every day, it is an opportunity to start anew, or to continue at something great. Starting fresh with the guidance of TMF and Unscripted is a guaranteed way to getting it right, and it is a guaranteed way to success if you employ the advice via your actions. I can put my head on a block for those books and the message that not just MJ shared, but also that which forum members also share, because it has helped me a great deal, I have experienced a whole mindset change and it has positively affected other aspects of my being.

I've also seen a number of people mention that you should quietly focus on building a proper business structure, stop speaking about it and prove it to you wife with your actions, and this is basically what your wife wants to see, I mean, we shouldn't do things necessarily to prove anything to anyone, but given that your marriage can suffer a great blow, it is worthwhile that you put things in a gear for you and for your loved ones.

I wish you al the best in your endeavours.

 

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[TreyAllDay]

Stop talking to her about what you're going to do and SHOW her.
-PM

I agree on this! You can't fault people for being un-supportive if they're living a scripted life. My girlfriend didn't understand why I would quit my job - she wanted to get a mortgage and a dog, etc. Had some pretty heated arguments. Me suddenly being an entrepreneur wasn't in her life plan. So I continued to communicate that it was important to me to make a go at it, and showed her eventually that it was a better path.

That being said: I always knew that I would NEVER in a million years cast aside being an entrepreneur. If I had to choose between un-scription and my girlfriend - unscription wins.

 

[Iammelissamoore]

That being said: I always knew that I would NEVER in a million years cast aside being an entrepreneur. If I had to choose between un-scription and my girlfriend - unscription wins.

You are definitely speaking my language, I know exactly what you mean, I live, breathe, eat, sleep entrepreneurship, there is nothing anyone can say, no amount of money or any offer one can give to derail me from this path, and with the books as a clear guide and the advice/support on this forum, it helps to focus on the important items to achieve genuine fastlane success.

 

[JohnD Realestate]

Hi Fastlaners,

I recently joined this forum and have found it insightful, helpful and inspirational.

I do have a question though.

I come from a lower middle income family that has always done side gigs as a way to suppliment their income. So entrepreneurship has pretty much always been in our blood.

I've been freelancing software development services since 2007. In 2009, I immigrated to Australia without any family or friends and had to close down my business in my home country. I had a permanent position for about a year, when In 2010, I started my own business doing contracting and consulting again. It was a one man show and I did really well but I never made the leap to employ people as I just didn't have the experience or mentorship to take me to the next level and I didn't know where to get that support. Especially on how to get more clients.

I also started an online store in a niche market and it was really doing well. Then in 2016, I hit a really rough patch. My wife were on paternity leave for about 6 months when my contract ended with a big bank. Unfortunately I didn’t have another client to go to as I was the one doing the contracting as a software engineer. For the next 6 months from June to December, my online store's sales had dried up and no matter how much money I threw at advertising or marketing, I wasn't able to get significant sales. I was unable to land any contracts and going over christmas with no income was especially stressful. As you can imagine, this caused a lot of stress, fights and money flow problems and almost caused our relationship to fall apart.

To add to this, my dad passed away in my home country and we had to fly over for the funeral. My credit cards were maxed out and I fell into depression. It was a really dark time. Then in January 2017, I got a short 6 month contract, but by then, my credibility as an entrepreneur had been crushed in my wife’s eyes and she pleaded with me to get a permanent position.

So in June 2017, I landed a permanent position with a company. It's a very good company and I like what I do. It pays the bills, and more importantly, I'm able to pay back my spouse the money she lent me when I was in trouble, but it's not where my heart is. I have all these ideas, all these plans to be an entrepreneur. I want to start more online stores, learning from my mistakes and doing better. I want to create software products and services. I want to do so much more.

The problem, however, is that every time I try to bring up the subject to start new online stores on the side, or to finally create that software service that I thought about, again, on the side, my wife just shoots it down and it becomes a shouting match about how I've not accomplished anything for the last 8 years, and that I had no work and no income for 6 months while she was on paternity leave. She also brings up that I'm in my 40's and starting a new business is better left for 20 year olds, how I still owe her money. I'm busy shutting down the online store as it's not bringing in enough sales. To be honest, I know I can't just quit my job at the moment and continue my business, however, I can do it on the side and build up a client base or at least start some online stores to bring in some money.

I really need some advice on what to do. I really love my wife and child, and I don't want to disappoint them again. I also believe that working for someone will never make you rich or wealthy. I've tried including her into my plans, asking her for advice and all other advice they suggest on the net, but she still has no confidence in me.

Thank you in advance,

Francois

I had a similar experience with my wife. Went on for years, 3 kids.
@Mutant had it 100%.

I just saw a post. This would have helped me, start small. Way less risk, at a time when a spouse might be risk averse. The second post...the video link by
@Andy Black
Article from Justin Jackson: Just Help People

 

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[ZF Lee]

I agree on this! You can't fault people for being un-supportive if they're living a scripted life. My girlfriend didn't understand why I would quit my job - she wanted to get a mortgage and a dog, etc. Had some pretty heated arguments. Me suddenly being an entrepreneur wasn't in her life plan. So I continued to communicate that it was important to me to make a go at it, and showed her eventually that it was a better path.

That being said: I always knew that I would NEVER in a million years cast aside being an entrepreneur. If I had to choose between un-scription and my girlfriend - unscription wins.

I would argue that if you can unscript yourself and make yourself the happiest man in the world, you can bless your girlfriend/wife with the same thing, if she wants it.

Do get your loved ones a gift that can't be bought from a shopping mall!

 

[minivanman]

I guess if one must be married through a government entity..... yep, going deep there.... I agree with MJ. I'm not too 'hip' on sending someone to a counselor but I think that is where you need to go with your wife. There is a HUGE wedge divided between you. If 2 people decide to involve the government in to their life and get married you get exactly that.... And that means what is hers is yours and what is yours is hers. See ^^^^ this is where my 1st sentence comes in handy. If she didn't want to share everything she has and her life, then she should not have gotten married. You owe her nothing.

Personally, I'm not good at taking orders, that's why I've always had to work for me. <<<< I'm not talking about your boss at your job.

 

[Ninjakid]

Sorry to hear about your dad, mate.

The best points have already been said. I liked what @Philip Marlowe said about stop talking about it and just doing your thing regardless. @Supa gave some good insight that your wife may still be reliving the bad experiences from earlier, and she doesn't want to go through the same thing again.

But the thesis of your post is that your wife is unsupportive, and that kinda draws attention away from the other issue: which is that you have a lot to learn about business. Your contract ended, but you didn't have any other clients lined up, you weren't able to grow your business, now you have to hold a job to keep your income steady.

Your environment mirrors the energy you give out, that includes other people, especially those closest to you. Maybe your wife's attitude says more about you than it does about her. I bet once you're working hard, killing it, and making progress, you'll see some changes.

So don't get too caught up in the bitterness and fights and drama. Work on being the best husband, best father, best businessman, and overall best you; then you'll be the change you want to see.

 

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[Supa]

Maybe your wife's attitude says more about you than it does about her.

Adding to this, you may could get something out of reading Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz (if so, read the original one).

 

[natyms]

I will have to agree with @JAJT here. If you get married to someone, you are looking to work on life and improve yourselves together. I would give my partner money if he needs it anytime and I would not ask for it back. Either we are in this together or not.

Look, from a female perspective, I can only say the following: Being pregnant and having a child is huge in a way most men never understand. It puts you under a lot of stress, you want everything to be right, your life changes dramatically. And yes, you fight more with your partner. But it is especially here, when you can find out if you have a real, solid relationship or not.
The worst thing that can happen while on maternity leave is, either being left alone or feel that you have money problems. HOWEVER, being pregnant or on maternity leave does not make you unable to do things. It is very easy to say "I am raising our child" and put the responsibility onto the other person. Just as I believe taking care of a child (just as cooking, cleaning etc) is something both parties of the relationship should share, so are other things like making sure there is enough money to live and, highly important, work on the relationship, which means supporting each other (hence the red flag to the owing money thing).
I think you need to have a serious talk with your wife and make her understand that you will never put your family in jeopardy, but that you also need to do what you think is right. I mean, if she prefers an unhappy man with a paycheck more than a happy man trying to make it, then her priorities are not quite right, in my opinion. After all, both of you can work on earning money, right?

One last thing I would like to mention here, when you talk about not wanting to disappoint your wife and child. You might disappoint your wife, but definitely not your child.
Your child cares about you spending time with him and loving him. He will be disappointed if he has a play, a game, something and you do not show up. But he will not be disappointed because of that. Opposed to a grown up, a child will ALWAYS prefer to have a happy parent with less money, than an unhappy, unavailble one with a lot of money. Children are pure. It's grown ups who are messed up an egoistic.

 

[DamienRoche]

The problem, however, is that every time I try to bring up the subject to start new online stores on the side, or to finally create that software service that I thought about, again, on the side, my wife just shoots it down and it becomes a shouting match about how I've not accomplished anything for the last 8 years, and that I had no work and no income for 6 months while she was on paternity leave.

As someone said above, don't tell your wife, SHOW her. But I'd take that a step further and completely disregard your wife's opinions. Some of the most destructive discouragement can come from home. It isn't her fault, she just doesn't have the same entrepreneurial spirit - it's understandable that she doesn't understand your perspective, and certainly doesn't understand the nature of the risk/reward involved which keeps you captivated.

Having said that, she is rightfully concerned about income - you are now responsible for supporting a family. That's an irreversible choice that you made, and it's a choice that has compromised your progress as an entrepreneur, as you're finding out. Your priority should be to financially support your family - and only secondary should you go after a risky side business.

Again, though, don't expect much support from your wife in this venture. She has her own over-bearing concerns (raising children, for one).

Good luck going forward!

 

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