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What do you think of my copy?

RiccardoR

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Aug 22, 2016
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Hi everyone, my name is Riccardo.

Some times ago I read Fox's post about web design GOLD - How to Learn Code, Start a Web Company, $15k+ per month within 9 months
After that I deciced to star learning and now i'm pretty good at making simple and professional website. I made some of them just to try this out, and i think they were very good.
So, now the hard part, finding clients.

I started to look for small buisness or self employee with terrible website, and now i emailed a couple of them.

I made this yesterday so still no response but I would like to hear the opinion of some of you about my copy, with hopefully some advice.

*P.S. I'm Italian and 17 years old so sorry if my english isn't too good, also the following is been translated, the original email was in italian, still hope you can understand.


"""
Hi, I'm Riccardo, Freelance Web Designer

I saw your site **********, and i wanted to tell you about the chance to increase clients and differenciate from competitors.

A website is a very powerfull tool, every element within it must be functional to a goal, in yout case to gain clients for your study.

Recently with whe last tecnologic advancemet it is advisable not just to have a website but to have a website that respects certain parameters.

-Simple and Professional: Of simple and powerfull design to catch the client abtenction and stay in their mind, giving a serious, trustworthy and proffessional impression.

-Responsive: it must work perfectly on every screen, smartphone, tablet and various device. Most than half of web traffic comes from smartphone you have to take advantage of it.

-SEO Friendly: Optimized so you can be placed by Google at the top of search pages.

Taking a peek at your site I saw that it has not been updated in a while Your site is not a thing to underestimate, as today the internet provides us with a ...

... Unique Opportunity ...

... the opportunity to increase exponentially your visibility, improve your image, and find new customers.

So I suggest you make various improvements, such as using vector graphics to shine on any device, and even cell phones, maybe make some more captivating images and use different fonts to make it easier to read.
Already these little tricks should be able to greatly improve your position and your image, however, if you want an exceptional website, with every element designed to get extremely modern customers with clean, simple and effective design, then you can contact me.

I offer you

- A site that can rank at the top of Google.

- A site that instantly captures the attention of visitors, and guides them to a path, ending only when they contact you.

- A site programmed with the most modern tools to be perfectly functional on every phone and computer.

- A site made for you to increase customers and facilitate their communication through automated forms.

-A modern design, fresh, new, clean, and professional, to make people's trust in you.

Trusting to work early with you ...

See you soon


"""

ok, sorry, i think i made some grammatical errors but i had to tranlate that :(

Anyway what do you think?

Any mistakes in the approach or style?

Any tips on how to improve?
 
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The-J

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If the original email is in Italian (and you're sending it out in Italian) then we're missing a LOT of nuance. It'll be very difficult for us to accurately assess the meaning. The English translation, of course, has many spelling and grammar errors and that hurts your credibility.

Also, you're offering a LOT for your first email. Offering a website right away is an easy way to end up in the junk folder. See if you can get them to talk to you for 5 minutes first. Offer real, specific value for their business up front. This works for me.
 

RiccardoR

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If the original email is in Italian (and you're sending it out in Italian) then we're missing a LOT of nuance. It'll be very difficult for us to accurately assess the meaning. The English translation, of course, has many spelling and grammar errors and that hurts your credibility.

Yhea, very sorry about that, it was send in Italian so spelling and grammar were correct in the original, still sorry :(

Also, you're offering a LOT for your first email. Offering a website right away is an easy way to end up in the junk folder. See if you can get them to talk to you for 5 minutes first. Offer real, specific value for their business up front. This works for me.

So maybe I should be more vague, and just try to set up a call?

I was thinking about cold calling vs email, I thought that actually sending email would be better to begin with, do you suggest to try just calling them instead?

Anyway thank you for the reply :D
 

The-J

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So maybe I should be more vague, and just try to set up a call?

Vague, no. Brief, yes.

Again, that's MY experience and you should take it with a grain of salt. I'm sure there are members that have done well with long form cold emails; it's just hasn't worked in my experience nearly as much as getting a call.
 
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AdamMaxum

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Ya, agree with J.

Way too long. Keep it super short and hook them immediately with your value.

When you send emails, use a service like rebump that will send a follow up email to nudge them without you needing to do anything.
 

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