Having trouble making small talk; I don't care about other people

[MVProduct]

...I just can't connect to them.

I think reading tons of personal development/success/business/entrepreneurship books and videos might have actually backfired on me.

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

So, as you can imagine- I have immense struggle in making small talk with other people. I find myself ignoring what most people are saying to me simply because I'm not interested in whatever it is they're talking about- UNLESS it's related somehow to success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. I get it- this is a bad situation to be in. It's affecting my relationships and my ability to build rapport with other people.

I feel like I'm stuck. How can I get out of this?

 

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[Elizabeth Shi]

Are you really planning ways to REALLY enhance your communication and relationship towards and with others? Are you REALLY committed? If yes, then listening and reaching out is the first step I guess.

Evaluate yourself, review past situations, reflect on these and then revise your ways. If you want to lead, it's very important to connect.

 

[MorgothBauglir]

Pretend. You'll be surprised by the things people have gone through, and the stories they have to tell.

You're thinking of yourself way too much. How do you get successful without people? Who is gonna buy your product? Sign up to your lists and read your emails?

The people you are talking to is where the money is. Give them some respect.

 

[liquidglass]

I understand where you're coming from entirely. I've read a library of books and listened to hundreds of hours on CD while driving. Petty things don't interest me and when I'm with someone I'm close with (the few) I'll ask if we can move on when a petty/negative/gossip conversation topic begins. As I began to grow "above" the norm. my mind wanted to shut down when talking to people on things that had no consequence.

But in becoming wealthy and successful it's not always about the goals it's about the person you have to become to achieve them.

BE THE PERSON you need to be in a given situation. I don't mean pretend necessarily even though you may have to at first. I mean BE PRESENT and BE THE PERSON required for the situation.

I'm not bragging by any means just giving you some examples. But I can go from talking about business dealings and huge decisions with my partner to giving an employee a "come to Jesus" meeting on their performance to listening to another employee tell me about their daughters sick dog. It's a transition every time from situation to situation, the trick is not to let them see it.

Interact and engage with people you'll learn some incredible things. I find being a person who no longer needs to talk about myself to validate ideas/points of view (ironic I'm talking about myself here haha) it's much easier to be charismatic and likable.

You don't have to make small talk, that's the beauty of it. Here's the secret of it all: LISTEN AND ASK QUESTIONS. That's it, it's something 95% of people haven't learned. Listen and engage (don't think about other stuff) and ask questions. I've had countless conversations where it was just me learning about the other person, once it's over they never realize that they never learned one thing about me. But they leave the conversation feeling that I'm a genuinely interesting person and it was a great conversation!

Try it, trust me, you won't regret it.

 

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[Silverhawk851]

Your indoors too much. Get out. Stay out. You'll learn how to deal with people when you HAVE to deal with people.
Get a 100% commission based job. When you owe rent, you gotta make it work.

What I read, I forget. What I hear, I remember. What I do, I understand. - Chinese Proverb


P.s coming from a guy who went from knees buckling when approaching a girl to speaking to 100 people a day knocking doors.

 

[BigRomeDawg]

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

you don't sound very well rounded. go outside and do something fun

 

[Formless]

What @Silverhawk851 said.

Painters get good by painting.

Fighters get good by fighting.

Conversationalists get good by speaking. Go talk. Hi.

 

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[SteveO]

People will be able to see through the fake interest. Seems like there should be some type of way to turn this into a game or something that would allow you to have some type of real interest in people.

One of my greatest pleasures in life is watching other people and their crazy antics. I get very amused by the different personality types and silly things that they do.

Perhaps you could figure out what makes people tick or why they have certain interests. I don't know, just throwing darts here.

 

[johnp]

Get the other people to do the talking. In some if my best encounters I have talked less than 10% of the time.

That's all there is to it.

 

[randomnumber314]

Start with cashiers/servers/retail--they're required to be nice and friendly. Emulate them until it's actually you (not you pretending). Practice.

You're obsessed with money, that's not how you get money. Even investment bankers don't want to talk about money for fun (at least not all the time)

 

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[Hicks]

I think reading tons of personal development/success/business/entrepreneurship books and videos might have actually backfired on me.

Of course I don't know your full situation. But two things strike me about this 'interesting' problem.

1) I think you are right, it may have backfired. One of the results of true self development will be 'Humility'. Humility doesn't usually manifest as disinterest.

2) I'm pretty impressed that you noticed that this was a problem in the first place. Kudos. Many only feign interest, so it's great that you caught yourself.

As for advice: I think that you will find people are pretty interesting.

Ask different questions...you may be surprised by the answers you get

 

[Rickson9]

...I just can't connect to them.

I think reading tons of personal development/success/business/entrepreneurship books and videos might have actually backfired on me.

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

So, as you can imagine- I have immense struggle in making small talk with other people. I find myself ignoring what most people are saying to me simply because I'm not interested in whatever it is they're talking about- UNLESS it's related somehow to success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. I get it- this is a bad situation to be in. It's affecting my relationships and my ability to build rapport with other people.

I feel like I'm stuck. How can I get out of this?

If you ever want to be successful you're going to need to learn how to sell things. And selling things involves connecting to other people.

Customers don't buy from self-absorbed individuals, they buy from people who connect with customers and their problems. It might be time to start learning how to sell.

I would view every and all interactions as an opportunity to sell something. A test. A practice run. You're going to need the skill. If you really want that success that you're talking about.

 

[throttleforward]

Always be in interview mode. People like to talk about themselves and most will talk endlessly when asked the right follow up questions. Always be thinking about the followup question while they are talking (this is a form of active listening).This will often steer the conversation toward something more interesting. This also happens to be how you identify pain points when talking to businesses.

 

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[Martinv678]

Listening people is great you can learn loads, even if its not what you don't want at least you've something you don't want to do or be like! You're here once and at the end of the day the success is only a personal thing but relationships will effect yours and others in a positive way. I no for a fact most slowlaners hate hearing about success and money because of the envy so you will always find conversation hard, have fun with conversations ask random shit... Stuff thats different... and it may give you more confidence when it comes to having to small talk to clients etc in the future. Listen with your emotions not your ears!

 

[tafy]

Always be in interview mode. People like to talk about themselves and most will talk endlessly when asked the right follow up questions

This is good advice, easy to do and people love it. I am like you in some ways and this is what I do.

If they talk about sports I just tell them flat out im not interested in sports in anyway. Kinda kills the conversation dead lol

 

[Mike.B]

The only thing I really care talking about is success, business, entrepreneurship, etc. Anything else- I simply have no interest in nor care to discuss. When people talk about their pointless subjects- video games, sports, life drama, other people, etc, I simply find myself zoning out and unable to participate in their discussions.

I'm in the exact same situation. I really am an altruistic person, and if someone is in need or has a problem I listen, but the pointless talk turns me off in a hurry.

I am finding it hard to overcome, and I tend to avoid some people because of it. Work in progress ...

 

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[JAJT]

Who are you making small talk with and why?

I mean, this sounds like a stupid question but really - what are you trying to get out of chit chatting with losers who just want to talk about a high score in a video game?

Being personable is great, and can lead to great relationships and networking opportunities but if you are going to go searching for water, maybe don't start your search in the desert?

 

[cautiouscapy]

@liquidglass and @jait hit it on the head for me.

Here's the secret of it all: LISTEN AND ASK QUESTIONS. That's it, it's something 95% of people haven't learned. Listen and engage (don't think about other stuff) and ask questions. I've had countless conversations where it was just me learning about the other person, once it's over they never realize that they never learned one thing about me. But they leave the conversation feeling that I'm a genuinely interesting person and it was a great conversation!

I do this naturally, I am interested in other people, particularly their passions. I can connect easily with the people I meet nowadays because thankfully I realized years ago that I needed to look for certain types of people to hang out with. When I meet new people, it's usually through my existing friends, so they're pre-filtered as being closer to my type of people.

Being personable is great, and can lead to great relationships and networking opportunities but if you are going to go searching for water, maybe don't start your search in the desert?

 

[LightHouse]

I find it funny you only care about success, but are uninterested in the very thing that builds it.

"I want to build a pool but I hate water and concrete"

You should be very interested in what they are saying, because those people are who are going to give you money.

Unless you have too much already? Maybe you can just sell to yourself and make yourself rich since it's the only thing you care about?

 

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[Aimee]

From experience, I've found out that most people don't often care about what others have to say - everybody loves talking about themselves. Whenever one person tells a story about themselves I find that others seldom ask questions, but instead usually reply by telling a story about themselves. Be the person to ask questions instead of directing the conversation to yourself - you learn much more by listening than by talking.

Heck, I hate small talk - when people start talking about video games, celebrities or TV shows, I get bored and start to switch off. As a teenage girl, you can imagine that these conversations are very difficult to avoid - in fact, it's impossible to get through the day without hearing about all of them. I don't even own a television, but I know all about Kim Kardashian and her family, I know all the characters in 'The Game of Thrones', and I know everything about Skyrim.

I do find that it's interesting to steer the conversations towards people's other interests (i.e. anything that does not involve staring at a television screen for hours on end). Find out what people like and dislike, what they want and need, and then use the information to make your service better. I don't know anybody who's interested in entrepreneurship, but from just listening to lots of people I've learned a lot about how the everyman thinks and how to please him.

 

[Mike.B]

I find it funny you only care about success, but are uninterested in the very thing that builds it.

"I want to build a pool but I hate water and concrete"

You should be very interested in what they are saying, because those prior are who are going to give you money.

Unless you have too much already? Maybe you can just sell to yourself and make yourself rich since it's the only thing you care about?

In the OP's defense; I don't see success being a corollary of listening to mindless crap that some people talk about. Not trying to hijack the thread, but in my case, I don't think discussing TV, video games, beer drinking, and the Ohio State Buckeyes can lead to anything profitable. I could be wrong, but I haven't found a single need from listening to any of this sort of chit chat. I think it's a pure waste of time.

 

[CommonCents]

You are hanging around the wrong people then.

 

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[m_e]

In the OP's defense; I don't see success being a corollary of listening to mindless crap that some people talk about. Not trying to hijack the thread, but in my case, I don't think discussing TV, video games, beer drinking, and the Ohio State Buckeyes can lead to anything profitable. I could be wrong, but I haven't found a single need from listening to any of this sort of chit chat. I think it's a pure waste of time.

Billions of dollars have been made in and around TV, video games, beer and sports... so yes I would say you are wrong. Listening to people the right way will uncover needs which may lead to $. Also you might learn about your future customer by listening to these random people. And don't forget the general soft skills you will enhance over time by talking to people about whatever they desire.

 

[SeanKelly]

I don't need to repeat what everyone else has already said because I'm sure by now you get the point. If you don't care about other peoples' needs/wants/thoughts/opinions etc then how are you going to provide any value to them? Maybe you aren't cut out to be an entrepreneur if you have that selfish attitude.

On a side note, I can honestly say that the title of this thread really bothered me like no other. "I don't care about other people" is just so ignorant and a problem in my eyes.

I hope you change your mindset for the better.

 

[Erik Heyl]

While I can somewhat understand this (heck I love SEO, philosophy, martial arts, shooting...but have little time for reality TV), you've got to do it. Part of being successful is being able to be empathetic. To connect with a wide range of people. The best thing, is to just let them talk and be present. You don't have to dominate the conversation, just let them see that you're there with them. It can be hard but ultimately it's worth it.

 

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[Mike.B]

Billions of dollars have been made in and around TV, video games, beer and sports

Absolutely, but not from discussing the incessant mindless use of the products themselves. I'm not sure how listening to Joe Nobody talk about his latest GTA conquest while he's sipping a cold Coors Light will help me add value to his life. Maybe you can advise?

 

[MJ DeMarco]

Last week I saw a lot of "HIMYM" chatter.

I was like, WTF is HIMYM??

Then I found out.

People losing sleep over a sit-com.

 

[Albert Liao]

Make it to into a challenge.

A 30 day challenge.

Couple months ago, I challenged myself to meet someone new everyday. My rules was that I at least get their names and ask an additional question besides the intro, "how are you, nice watch, etc."

I then wrote down their names and a small blurb about who they were and what they were all about.

It definitely got hard mid way through, but if you put yourself in this frame of mind, opportunities open up all around you. The gas station cashier, the parking garage lady, the janitor, people are everywhere! Now it's just your job to say hi and chat.

Give it a shot, what's the worst than can come out of this experience?

Feel free to PM me if need someone to keep you accountable!

 

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[MorgothBauglir]

Absolutely, but not from discussing the incessant mindless use of the products themselves. I'm not sure how listening to Joe Nobody talk about his latest GTA conquest while he's sipping a cold Coors Light will help me add value to his life. Maybe you can advise?

Well there are a metric F*ckton of Joe Nobody's, so what he likes, alot of other people probably like.

Joe Nobody's also like to complain, and where there are complaints there are business opportunities. You don't need to surround yourself with Joe Nobody's, but there's nothing wrong with taking a step into their world sometimes.

Don't go into it with any judgement or attachments. Observe, discard the crap, keep the goodies.

 

[Mike.B]

Last week I saw a lot of "HIMYM" chatter.

I was like, WTF is HIMYM??

Then I found out.

People losing sleep over a sit-com.

Ha! I saw an episode of that show about 8 years ago ... glad I stopped then.