Thread: Advice on Turning My Shit Life Around?

On someone who just wants to quit everything, life in general. My self esteem has all but evaporated tonight. I have nothing, I am nothing.

I don't know what I want, I don't know what to do.

I'm in constant physical pain (apparently my back is fine, but I can't stand for any prolonged period of time... making most jobs that I would want, impossibly unbearable.)

There's a bridge about a three minute walk away, who's pavement underneath pretty much has my name on it.

Three years here and I've pretty much regressed to nothing. No job, no money, no real purpose, or drive to do anything. I spend all my time doing nothing.

I am aware that there are millions if not billions of people in worse situations... so I ask you, what do I do to start turning this around?

You know it's not going well, when you seriously contemplate jumping off of the tallest structure you can find. If there was a switch with an on/off to control your life, I'm at a point where I would just flick the switch and be done with it.

I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate everything that I am. When I look in the mirror I see my father. A piece of shit that I've seen once in my entire life, and never want to see again. I look exactly like him.

I know it could get better, because the only option is to make it that way. But I need to know where to start. I don't even know who I am, I don't know what I like to do. I know nothing. I don't even know if I like this new city that I live in... I quite frankly have no idea about anything.

I talk a big game, but I've come to the realization that I'm all words, all fluff.
We've surpassed teenage angst and general bullshit. I want to turn this around.

I'm 25lbs underweight, I have $1.25 in my bank account. I have no job. I commit to nothing. Everything I've started, I've quit a short time later. The part that I definitely can attribute to teenage angst (and I'm going to be completely and 100% honest here.. something I don't think I've ever done...I think I'm ugly, and because of that I have zero self esteem.

I have a small chin, a massive crooked nose, and horrendously yellow teeth with bags under my eyes... I know those three things (nose, chin, teeth) can, and will one day be fixed when I have the money to do so... but I don't know how to deal with it in the meantime. I'm also starting to develop a hunchback from the insane amount of pain in my muscles/spine.

More of that teenage crap: I see so many attractive girls, and know they'd never want to talk to me. I'm 19 years old. I've never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, never kissed a girl, never held a girls hand... never even had a friendship with a girl (all of my friends have been guys). Everyone seems so happy (whether some of them are genuine or facade who knows). Whenever I hear people laugh, I assume they are laughing at me. (I would say it's just in my head.. but I live in a conservative place... and my hairstyle is anything but conservative.

I hear the comments all the time 5% are nice, 95% are snarky, mean, and downright ignorant. And you know what, they are starting to get to me. 'sticks and stones' quote is complete bullshit. The hairstyle will have to be changed anyway, because I'm thinking of joining the army reserves (but my back hurts so damn much.. and there is nothing that could be done about it).. it's chronic pain. forever.

But even then.. if I ever do achieve something in life, I know I'll have a bunch of 'haters' and I know I need to learn how to deal with them.

I want so badly to be comfortable/accepted around members of the opposite sex. If I could have anything in this world, it would be some self confidence.

I'm posting this in the public forum, and not the private forum, because I could use all the advise possible. I'm not afraid to say that my life sucks, and that I am not happy... but I want to be happy. I can't afford not to be happy. But I don't know where to start.

Maybe the first steps I could take would be to take the steps necessary to achieve independence? I'm living with my aunt and cousin right now, and I'm miserable.

'Talking to someone about my 'feelings' is out of the question. I've laid out exactly how I feel here.

I also spend too much time on the internet... but I have nothing better to replace that time with right now. I want to have a life.

And NO this is not a whoas me thing.. I'm basically telling you exactly how I view my life.

The world owes me nothing, I have to get it.

First thing you should know is that a lot of people lack self esteem, so you are not alone. I went through something similar to this, although I wasn't as hard on myself as you seem to be. Here are three things that I found helped me the most in getting out of that "funk."

1) Talk to those that are close to you. I never use to be social and it's a challenge to break that habit, but it only takes a handful of days to completely break it if you really set out to. I started talking to my mom and sister, genuinely asking them for their help and support. I told two of my very close friends and nobody else. Just talk! Talking about everything helps you see the GOOD things about you, rather than focusing on only the bad as you are.

2) You need to get out of the house. This only makes your self esteem worse. I rarely use to leave the house because nothing sounded fun. Nothing excited me. It's because you're focusing on the worst possible result and assume it will flow just as you picture it. I hated the outdoors (walking, lakes, etc.) I bought a cheap bike from Walmart and started riding it at a near by trail next to the river. Now, if I go two days without going biking, I have withdrawals. Simple things start to be more fun. Start by planning as many things as you can. After only about a week, I had to turn down offers because I had people asking me to hang out at the same time.

3) Try to give yourself something to look forward to. You know how exciting it is to go to Disneyland, or a football game, or a concert? If you have something to look forward to, it really gives you a "purpose" because you are obviously lacking one. Once your life is full of things to do, you stop thinking about all of the things you mentioned above and realize it's really not bad. You're putting too much pressure on yourself (to look good, to date girls, etc.)

Hope this helps, but it all starts with you deciding to change. It's WAY easier than you think. I promise.

Originally Posted by wade1mil

First thing you should know is that a lot of people lack self esteem, so you are not alone. I went through something similar to this, although I wasn't as hard on myself as you seem to be. Here are three things that I found helped me the most in getting out of that "funk."

1) Talk to those that are close to you. I never use to be social and it's a challenge to break that habit, but it only takes a handful of days to completely break it if you really set out to. I started talking to my mom and sister, genuinely asking them for their help and support. I told two of my very close friends and nobody else. Just talk! Talking about everything helps you see the GOOD things about you, rather than focusing on only the bad as you are.

2) You need to get out of the house. This only makes your self esteem worse. I rarely use to leave the house because nothing sounded fun. Nothing excited me. It's because you're focusing on the worst possible result and assume it will flow just as you picture it. I hated the outdoors (walking, lakes, etc.) I bought a cheap bike from Walmart and started riding it at a near by trail next to the river. Now, if I go two days without going biking, I have withdrawals. Simple things start to be more fun. Start by planning as many things as you can. After only about a week, I had to turn down offers because I had people asking me to hang out at the same time.

3) Try to give yourself something to look forward to. You know how exciting it is to go to Disneyland, or a football game, or a concert? If you have something to look forward to, it really gives you a "purpose" because you are obviously lacking one. Once your life is full of things to do, you stop thinking about all of the things you mentioned above and realize it's really not bad. You're putting too much pressure on yourself (to look good, to date girls, etc.)

Hope this helps, but it all starts with you deciding to change. It's WAY easier than you think. I promise.

Thank you for the advice. I have no problem socializing with men of any age, and older and younger women. I seem to be incapable to talk to women my age, that I'm attracted to (frankly even those that are my same age and that I'm not attracted to). (I'm a member of Toastmasters.. public speaking doesn't bother me in the least... it's just women my age. I can speak to a 300 person audience, but not to just 1 girl. I can strike up conversations with random strangers, but not with girls my age. It's really dumb.

Definitely will be following the advice of getting out of the house.

For the third thing, all of those things involve money, of which I have none. I enjoy attending all kinds of sporting events (hockey, football, and ufc being my favorites). I once spent $800 on a UFC ticket.. it was one of the best nights of my life.

Originally Posted by kwerner

Jesus.. that hit home. Thank you. Exactly what I'm thinking/doing.

I agree with wade1mil. What he laid out is really solid advice and things I think you should follow. I'd only add that there is no shame in seeking professional help. There is no stigma attached to it. Life is hard, and finding an expert who can listen and offer advice is something we could all benefit from.

For me, it sounds cheesy, but the biggest contributor to my own sense of self worth is how I positively impact the lives of others. And really, I think that's true for most people, just in different ways. Given your situation, it might sound counterintuitive, but the more you help others, the more fulfilled you'll be.

The more we focus on ourselves, the further we fall into it. It's crippling. You have to make a positive impact on other people's lives. There is any number of ways to do so, big and small. Volunteering, charity, calling up a friend and letting them rant, etc. Give first and you'll get it back many times over.

Originally Posted by RyanDrake

Thank you for the advice. I have no problem socializing with men of any age, and older and younger women. I seem to be incapable to talk to women my age, that I'm attracted to (frankly even those that are my same age and that I'm not attracted to). (I'm a member of Toastmasters.. public speaking doesn't bother me in the least... it's just women my age. I can speak to a 300 person audience, but not to just 1 girl. I can strike up conversations with random strangers, but not with girls my age. It's really dumb.

Definitely will be following the advice of getting out of the house.

For the third thing, all of those things involve money, of which I have none. I enjoy attending all kinds of sporting events (hockey, football, and ufc being my favorites). I once spent $800 on a UFC ticket.. it was one of the best nights of my life.

The examples I gave were just ones I came up with on the top of my head. I went on a 37 mile bike ride this morning. I was looking forward to that for 3 days. I'm meeting my sister over at her house on Saturday to swim with my nephew and niece. It doesn't have to cost money, just have something to look forward to.

It sound like you're putting pressure on yourself to say something to the girls you find attractive, and maybe hoping it will result in a date, or a friendship, etc. I've typed this sentence a few different ways, but basically what I'm trying to say is who cares about one particular girl? It's not like you won't see 100 more this month, right? Next time you're around a girl you think is attractive, make a innocent comment to her like, "it's so hot today." You need to become indifferent from the outcome. In other words, don't cares whether she says 1) no kidding! 2) nothing at all 3) leave me alone, or 4) yes, let's go get a drink. Go into it not wanting to do anything but say hi. Don't put pressure on yourself. Do this a few times, and your confidence will build on itself and snowball from there.

Geez, Ryan! I'm seriously sorry to hear how you're feeling and concerned about you as well!! I PROMISE you that although it's difficult to look past your current situation, things WILL GET BETTER! Suicide only brings pain to those who love you and care about you.

I agree completely with azdevil-doing something for someone else will make you feel so good about yourself! And it's free. Find an interest you have and donate your time and efforts. That alone could be a major change for you.

Definitely find a friend you can confide in and tell them what you're going through. Talking helps.

Make a list of everything that makes you happy or brings you joy. Even simple things. Do whatever you can from your list everyday. Create a purpose. I know you don't know what you like or want, but meditating can help you figure out what you would enjoy doing. Turn off your mind and ask yourself questions. Not to sound cheesy, but the answers are already in you.

We all have insecurities. Often, even gorgeous people are terribly critical of themselves. Start to look at and appreciate what you do like about yourself and what you are grateful for. (Like: I know it sucks to live with your family, but be grateful you have a roof over your head and family that is willing to help. Some people don't have that luxury).

You've got to shift your focus from what you don't like and don't want to what you do like and do want. I know it sounds hard, but you get what you focus on. If you focus on bad stuff, you get more bad stuff.

It's understandable to be shy around girls your age. Confidence isn't necessarily something you're born with. But this can and will change. When you see yourself as you want to be seen, others will see you the same way. Not to be rude, but I know a guy named James who is highly unfortunate-looking, to put it mildly. He has a knock-out, gorgeous wife. He knows they look mismatched and jokes "Do you know why she married me? Because I ASKED!". He had the courage when most other guys were intimidated by her good looks. Same holds true for my friend, Katrina. She's the complete package: smart, drop-dead gorgeous, successful and funny. She's 35 and rarely ever dates because guys think she's out of their league. She doesn't care about looks, she just wants a good guy. Lots of women are out there for you. You just have to believe in yourself enough and value yourself enough.

I would get ahold of a copy of "The Secret" DVD by Rhonda Byrne. It'll show you how by changing your thinking, you'll create a better life for yourself.

Please keep us posted. I know I don't know you, but I genuinely care about you and what happens to you. Don't give up. I have always found that right after things get really bad, something really good happens. It's happened to me over and over again.

and PS-Technically, with all my mortgages , I have millions of dollars of debt. If anything, be grateful you have $1.25 in your bank account! At least you don't have massive debt and a mortgage and the additional pressure of a wife and kids like many people these days.

You have your whole life ahead of you and the only way to predict the future is to create it!

As a "chick", I agree with Kwerner. I think it was Wayne Gretzky that said "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take".

From a woman's perspective, I know it sucks to be a guy feeling the pressure to approach a girl with the possible fear of rejection. In my experience, my friends and I were always friendly to anyone who had the courage to talk to us. Doesn't mean we necessarily wanted to get hit on, but we were always considerate and respectful. My advice would be to just be yourself, don't try "lines" or "tactics".

With regard to confidence-Fake it til you make it. Confidence is appealing. View yourself the way you want others to view you. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.

Wait, you're 19?! Go to college! Those 4 years were some of the best of my life! Super easy to meet and talk to girls there. Great opportunity to explore different avenues and figure out what you're interested in. You'll find tons of friends with your same interests. A college degree can provide you with lots of opportunities you might not have otherwise and you can get student loans to pay for it! (I know that may not be the popular advice in an entrepreneurial forum, but as a person with both a masters degree and as an entrepreneur with successful companies, it worked for me!)

Thanks everyone. I definitely have a lot to think about/put into practice to turn this around. I truly appreciate all the viewpoints.

I always say, I can talk myself into-or out of-anything.

Meaning, once you start getting down on yourself, it's easy to let it snowball and find something negative about every aspect of your life. I've done it myself before. I, too, have a loser dad who I'm a dead-ringer for, and on top of that, we share the same name. Every now and then I notice traits in myself that mirror those that led him to his issues, and it's scary, but I fight back against them. I have a close friend who grew up with the same situation, and we've both found that it can be an incredibly powerful motivator to try and "break the mold", if you will. Strive to do more with your life than he ever could. At the same time, don't think about him too much, because life should be about the people who are with you, not the ones who aren't.

Girls are scary, dude. I'm a chatterbox whose been married for years to a bombshell who's way outta my league, and I still get tongue-tied around pretty girls. This was said earlier, but it bears repeating: be yourself. Within a week of meeting my wife, she said something that I interpreted as "we're just going to be friends." I spent the next two years treating her just like one of the guys, only to find out that during those same two years she (the knockout) had been trying to work up the courage to ask me (the chubby band geek) on a date! They're going to discover the "real" you sooner or later, so to put up a front will just land you a girl that isn't a good match. It's hard as a guy to wrap your head around the fact that most ladies don't care about looks as much as we do, but it seems to be the case more often than not. Learn to make 'em laugh, and you'll go far.

Good luck, Ryan, keep your head up!

Damn man. I wish you weren't so far away so I could take you under my wing for a week or two and teach you a few things ! I might not be the brightest or best looking guy around but I've always had excellent social skills. That's what got me where I am today and I expect it to carry me to where I want to be. Maybe we can work something out. I can be your "Hitch".

Your still very young and have much to learn. The problem with most younger kids these days is that a majority of them lack real life social skills. I blame video games and the internet. Specifically sites like facebook, myspace and twitter. Not to mention Text messaging. People are losing their basic communication skills.

These are all problems that can be fixed though. Don't get so worried about it. For real though, if you need someone to help you out, PM me. I think I can help.

It's kind of hard to 'be yourself' when you have no idea who you are. Honestly, half the time I'm an asshole and half the time I'm a really nice guy.

I don't know which is the real me.

I find outside influences have a huge strangle hold on how I act. When I'm listening to rap hip/hop, I act like an asshole.. when I listen to more rock/folk/melody/love songs/etc I act decent.

Maybe I should see how I act without music at all. (I'm joined at the hip with my Ipod... even now, I'm listening to it).

I do seem to make a lot of people laugh without actually trying and/or intending to. (witty, self-deprecating humor mostly). I make my hairdresser laugh all the time (she's an extremely attractive woman only one or two years older than me). The few women that I do/have talked to seem to tell me their entire life stories for some reason (and I remember most details). I guess I'm a good listener.

When I'm forced into a situation (like having to strike up a conversation while you're sitting there for an hour), I can do it.

Originally Posted by RyanDrake

I find outside influences have a huge strangle hold on how I act. When I'm listening to rap hip/hop, I act like an asshole.. when I listen to more rock/folk/melody/love songs/etc I act decent.

One thing that I credit with helping to make me successful in my online biz was to stop listening to music. Not that I felt that music was having a negative influence, but that it was just noise. You sit in your car letting the radio plug in random noise.

I turned that meaningless time into knowledge by buying a tiny cheap-ass MP3 player and listening to free podcast about biz. A couple of years ago when I got my iphone I bought a bluetooth earbud with what is called A2DP. Earbuds with A2DP wirelessly stream audio from your phone to the headset. When a call comes in it switches the audio off and the call on. When the call is over it switches right back to the audio right where it left off.

MJ talks about recapturing wasted time and this is one way to do it. I have literally absorbed hundreds of hours of useful info into my brain about biz that would have been lost in daily commutes. Besides biz there's audio books about everything. Try listening to some motivational stuff or dating stuff. If you know that you are easily influenced, then use it with stuff that influences you in a good way.