Thread: Advice Needed: Dealing with ex's & money matters....

Folks -- I need some advice here...

ATW's "Rant" post hit a nerve with me in one of the other forums, so I decided to solicit the forum for advice here regarding a personal finance matter that is plaguing me currently.

I'm having trouble dealing with my ex with regards to money matters. I currently pay full child support to her each month, as we split the custody of the kids about 60/40.

Something that is pretty typical of the situation happened recently, and the kids needed about $1500 of dental work. Of course I paid it, because I don't want my kids walking around with rotten teeth -- and when I asked the ex to kick in her half, it was her usual reply -- "Well you know I don't have any money... I don't even have a job... where is the money supposed to come from? How am I supposed to pay? Am I even obligated to pay you half? You make more money than I do -- so you should have to pay!"

What do you do in this situation? Sucking it up, and letting it roll off of my back is getting pretty old fast.... FYI -- my current girlfriend, who lives with the kids & I -- Keeps telling me that I'm being a doormat, and I need to stand up to the ex and just start garnishing her child support checks for the money that she owes me (Which I don't even know if that's legal... But her point is that I need to get tough... If I reduce my monthly payment, I can almost guarentee that she'll be unable to pay her rent, and her & the kids will have to move back in with her parents... )

I live my life very responsibly, and cut back & save so that I can afford the things the kids need. We hardly ever eat out, go out, etc anymore -- Whereas it seems like the ex is eating out quite often, and is shopping atleast twice a week. Of course her boyfriend is a dirtbag who lives with her, makes a small income - but doesn't contribute any rent. Must be nice to live off my child support checks, right? -- My point is... it seems like she has money for the things that are important to her, and the kids medical bills are not a priority for her!?

Give me some advice here folks... What do you do with an ex who expects you to pay 100% of the kids incidentals, simply because she's unwilling to work and carry her share of the load?

- Hakrjak

Thanks for the other point of view. There's definitely a lot of different ways people approach such a problem.

Just to clarify -- I'm not wealthy enough yet to where this type of thing isn't a burden to me, because it definitely causes financial strain for me.

Also I'm worried that this is just the tip of the iceburg, and as the kids get older and need more expensive things (Cars, Clothes, Camp, College, etc) -- I'm going to continue to get stuck with the bill, because of this pattern of behavior I'm sort of supporting right now. I'll be the first one to admit that I sometimes tend to avoid conflict, and look for the way to keep things calm and civil vs. standing up for myself & making sure I get a fair deal.

Thanks again,

- Hakrjak

Hakrjak,
Ive never been married, (take with a grain of salt) but I have seen the ugly side of divorces and custody before. The military has a 70% divorce rate. I have helped many close friends struggle through this.

The major thing I can suggest is document everything. If you pay 100%, then that needs to be recorded for future use. The friends I have lose in these situations had nothing more then he said she said. In custody battles, it has been my experience that the court favors the mother, (not looking for an argument here folks) so you need to be the one prepared.

Kudos on taking care of the kids. I fully support that. I respect others opinions and value them, but I personally disagree with taking 100% of the load. She is as much the mother as you are the father. If she is not financially supporting them, then again you need to record (every specific time, date and amount) this and talk to your lawyer. Unless you push back, it will never change.

Sorry I can't help more.

edit: This may upset some but here again is my opinion. If she is unwilling to work to provide for her own children and is selfish enough to let a boyfriend siphon off the child support, then maybe you should push for the custody.

First of all, I've no experience in divorce, so I'm sure you have had to deal with a lot of difficult matters in which I have no knowledge. I can't pretend to understand the difficulties... but, I am a parent.... and I have had several relationships in which I either enabled or tried to change the other person. Those lessons could be applied to your situation.

You can't make your ex change. You can't make her make more money and you can't make her manager her money in a different way. All you can control is your financial decisions, your interactions with your kids and your interactions with your ex.

Here is another way to look at things:

If you were still married, who would be paying for the braces and the cars and etc. etc. ? You stated that these items currently put a strain on you. Wouldn't these items be putting a strain on you anyway? (if you were not divorced?) Wouldn't you still have 100% of this dental bill? When you become a parent, you are making a commitment to be responsible for them 100% of the time.

You hope that you will have a partner (the other parent) for the journey, but having that partner doesn't take your responsiblity away. You are still 100% responsible. Certainly, when you have a partner, the burdens that are associated with parenthood are lighter, but your level of responsiblity has not been reduced. So, if the partner goes away (divorce and many other issues could cause this) your burden becomes greater, but the responsibility level has not changed.

Also,

If your ex is miss managing money, or if she is not putting her priorities straight (money for the care of the kids) I can understand how that would be really frustrating for you.

How do you think that will impact the kids?

What can you, as their parent, do about that? - - - remember, you can't control her behavior, only your own.

Fully agree with Diane's first post. You made a choice and these are the consequences, the children are innocent and victims of the situation. Maybe your current girlfriend could be proactive in the money making enterprise and not negative...

Well, she's the one you chose to make babies with. Not everything can be fixed, and yeah the unfairness of it all sucks. Imagine how unfair it is to your kids. Right now they have their mother shacking up with a dirtbag, and dad with a girlfriend who isn't thrilled about their mother. You and your ex created this situation- there is nothing fair about it in any sense. My .02 is if your ex-wife is living with some dirtbag, then get custody of the kids! All you can do at this point is try to minimize the damage. Put on a happy face when the kids are around and never talk about their mom or about money. Your kids need to know that they come first - no matter what. ...It sounds like you will have ongoing issues with your girlfriend about money and kids because she's not going to want to share- that's pretty common. This is a huge generalization, but, most men and women who date people with kids, don't accept the kids- they gloss over the situation like those kids are from their past and something they can deal with because the kids are only in their life part-time. With this menality things get uglier if you and your ex get married to other people. The new spouse will want their own family with you and the kids become nothing more than visitors- they have no home as they bounce back and forth between mom and dad. Ideally, focus on your kids until they're grown and out of the house, then get a girlfriend.

Sorry for the rant, I've just seen this situation too many times.

It is easy to feel reactionary to the situation - - - but just as other's have mentioned before, it is about the kids.... that goes for how money is spent and for custody as well.

Kids do best with both parents. Even if one is flawed (aren't we all?). Unless there is abuse or neglect, "taking away" one parent will leave a big void in the hearts of those kids.

Custody decisions need to be made based on them, not on some inbalance in the financial contributions.

And... on "fair" I really dislike that word. There are 3 forbidden words in our house...

• Not Fair - no such thing as fair, so of course it isn't fair. This is your life, these are the cards you were dealt, whatcha going to do about it?
  
• Stuff - describe it.
  
• Nothing - No... not nothing... what is really going on?

Diane's description of one parent getting into an accident is a perfect example.

To me, shared custody is more for the parents than it is for the kids. Kids never have a place to call home; they're at dad for 3 nights then mom's for 4. The never live anywhere, but the parents think they're doing what's fair. Personally, I think it's best to have shared visitation but one parent that the kid lives with, so there is some sense of routine and normalcy. Just my .02.

I have no personal experience with divorce and/or custody. However, I have seen several custody and support issues through my friend's viewpoints. Now for my 0.02:

If you truly have them 40% of the time, I would look into alternative custody options. Either you could pursue full custody, or apply for joint custody 50/50 and have the court modify your support accordingly.

Do you get any credit on your taxes for your portion of the support? Any deductions, etc? Since I don't have any experience with this, I think it would be terrible if you are paying alot of support plus dental expenses while she gets full tax deductions and other child credits (plus the recent refunds). Ouch.