Well your second version is better.
However you need to get rid of your first sentence.
You should not be asking for the order so early on a sales page.
It's like "Here's my product. Buy it"
Which of course is what you want. But you can't do that.
You gotta seduce your customer FIRST. Show empathy. Be a friend to them.
In other words use some damn foreplay.
How to Take Control and Create your own
Your actual headline above is incomplete. I guess you're missing the word Luck.
On it's own it's not a bad headline. A How to...headline is always good.
However you can add some intrigue and curiosity to your headline for sure.
Remember you only have 4/5 seconds before your reader hits their BACK button.
Now your story is good. But you need to go into greater detail.
get rid of your phone number. people ain't going to phone you up. Why? Because they're terrified they're going to be sold to.
Why should I give you my email address? Bribe me!
Your intro. Needs to be smoother and more in tune with the reader. You've got to enter the conversation going on in your prospect's mind.
Your writing needs to be more emotional. People buy on emotion. Then justify with logic.
You have taken the first step toward improving your luck and becoming Luck-Struck!
You are probably familiar with the saying:
"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity."
-Seneca the Younger, Stoic Philosopher, 1st Century A.D.
To have good luck, you have to be prepared, and you have to find opportunities...
Luck-Struck will change your life by
so there you go