Thread: Just Stolen! - Please Critique My Sales Page

Good work! It looks great, and seems to have pretty good copy. Are the testimonials legitimate?

I scrolled through it because I am an avid golfer, and nothing really STUCK OUT to me. By scrolled I mean I took 20 sec on the site. Maybe think about bolding the important parts or shortening your headings so they stand out more? But obviously your good leads will take more time on the page.

The Heavy Club does not sound like it is going to help me much. It just sounds like the medicus (or whatever the original heavy club is).

Also, are you testing the direct link to paypal? Do you have a landing page? I like the fact that your minimizing sales steps but don't know if people will like it...

Cheers

Call me pedantic but:

- There were quite a few spelling mistakes / typos that hit me straight away. "not only increase power and lenght"

- I went to order your club and it took me to a Paypal page in Swedish. I am not Swedish. I do not understand Swedish and I do not want to buy products in Swedish. I am sure you can get around this problem.

- "P.S. If you're serious about becoming a better player, you should order today if you don't want to wait. We don't have many in stock at the moment and it will be a while before our next shipment." I don't like this. Why will it be a while for your next shipment? Do you have problems with suppliers? Are you having cash flow problems? I think it would sound better if you put something about it being in such demand they may have to wait a while.

And lastly, if you are serving the golfing community worldwide, how come on your contact page you only ask people to call you between a certain time? Tell them to send you an email and you will reply promptly, and not mention anything about phone numbers. But to tell your customer they can only call between times that may not be convenient to them is a bit 'iffy' for me.

in your headline that starts "introducing the heavy club..." the word "length" is misspelled.

Several videos of it in action will be great. Have pros and joes hit it along side comparable clubs. Or to take out any bias, have the golf swing robot hit the club compared to other clubs. I think that is your selling point. Selling verbage works more for in-tangible products/services, whereas photos and video are especially important for tangible products. "Where's the beef?!" "Show me the money!"

As noted by others there are lots of spelling mistakes, also your paypal page is in Swedish - don't know if this is your setting or theirs but definitely not what I expected to see...

Thank you so much for taking the time to review it!

JAWS: This is my landig page, and my sales page. I thought that was the same thing :P .
And Oh My God, I didn't know the Medicus even existed! Matter of fact, when I first developed this club,
I didn't even know there were other heavy clubs available. I first realized that after I had already put mine into production.

I got the idea from a basketball that had the weight of 4 or 5 regular basketballs for wrist-training.
Little did I know that it was already a well-known phenomenon in the golfing community.

Good call on the sub-headlines though! And what you said about nothing sticking out.
I'll defenatly look into that.

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Astute: Thanks for pointing out the spelling mistakes!
The copy that has been put up is merely a draft and I havn't had the time to run a spell-check on it yet.

Good call on the PayPal checkout being in Swedish! I thought it only was in Swedish for me since I'm located in Sweden.
Will see how I can fix that.

What you said about the P.S. is also good. It makes sense, it does sound kind of odd.

About the phone number: Since I don't want to be called in the middle of the night by someone from the other side of the planet,
I wrote down the regular office hours in central european time. My thought was just that it is better to have some chance of getting me/the company on the phone than to have none at all. Especially to make the customers feel more at ease.

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leavingslowlane: Yes, thank you for that observation. Will fix it a.s.a.p.

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CommonCents: Have thaught about that too. And now when you say it, it totally makes sense.
THAT is exactly what I need to do. I don't need a wall of text to sell it, all I need is pretty much a great video or two explaining all the benefits and showing the customers my USP.

Cheers!

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Steve W: I'll be right on it!

Wow, it looks pretty cool ...

WHO wrote the copy?

Originally Posted by MJ DeMarco

Wow, it looks pretty cool ...

WHO wrote the copy?

Thanks!

I wrote the copy myself, but borrowed some ideas from Gary Halbert's old letters.

Originally Posted by stolpioni

Gary Halbert's

Ahh, good ole Halbert, a DM legend.

Originally Posted by stolpioni

but borrowed some ideas

Did you "borrow" some ideas from anywhere else?

And who is "Jack"? Your signature on the sales letter says "Jack" and not Jim.

Originally Posted by MJ DeMarco

Did you "borrow" some ideas from anywhere else?

And who is "Jack"? Your signature on the sales letter says "Jack" and not Jim.

Sure, I borrowed lots of ideas.
Does it? If you look closely enough, it can also be read "Joe C".

Originally Posted by stolpioni

Sure, I borrowed lots of ideas.
Does it? If you look closely enough, it can also be read "Joe C".

That is quite a stretch, I can't read that signature to be "Joe C".

If you just rolled this out, how can you claim "100,000 users since 2010" ?

Looks kinda the same to me.

Originally Posted by Runum

Looks kinda the same to me.

They're pretty similar, yes.

By the way how did you find the site with "Jack Moorehouse"?

Looks to me like you might have "borrowed" quite a bit. I punched in the site from the other URL.

The formatting is all the same.

Did you get permission from the other site? If you are reselling his program, it's probably not an issue.

Originally Posted by stolpioni

They're pretty similar, yes.

By the way how did you find the site with "Jack Moorehouse"?

My special mod powers, maybe?

Do you know what copywrite laws are and how they may apply?

Originally Posted by Vigilante

Looks to me like you might have "borrowed" quite a bit. I punched in the site from the other URL.

The formatting is all the same.

Did you get permission from the other site? If you are reselling his program, it's probably not an issue.

The general look is very much alike, however all the pictures, the logos, the background and the body copy is completley different.

Originally Posted by Runum

My special mod powers, maybe?

Do you know what copywrite laws are and how they may apply?

No, not really. Now the bottom of the page is changed (had no time to do it before), so
now nobody can't really claim that it's the same website. They look similar, but they are still different.

Originally Posted by stolpioni

Fellow fastlaners: I just launched my sales page of a training aid for golf players.

It is almost done. I will add a banner on top of the sales letter with a picture of the product + a picture
of a man looking straight at the viewer smiling. In that banner there will also be a couple of bullets with benefits.
I'm also planning to add a bonus package at the bottom of the page.

Other than that, it seems to be pretty much done.

Please go in and critique my sales page, I would truly be honored to hear your honest and sincere opinions!

The page can be found at:

How To Hit The Ball Farther

Just quoting the original post in case it gets altered.

Originally Posted by stolpioni

The general look is very much alike, however all the pictures, the logos, the background and the body copy is completley different.

No, not really. Now the bottom of the page is changed (had no time to do it before), so
now nobody can't really claim that it's the same website. They look similar, but they are still different.

Seriously dude, you totally copied this guy's site and tried to pass it off as your own. You didn't even take the time to change the sig before pumping it. You insulted us and stole copywrited material.