Being in relationship with someone who has mental illness

[ShadowX]

Hello,

So this thread doesn't mean I'm seeking professional relationship advice. This thread will provide me more feedback and experience from other people which will give me more insight hopefully.

Lets get started. So I'm 17 and girl is 16, we have been together for 2 years. And plan on marrying each other in the future. I don't want to waste my time mentioning what we did, all that love stuff.

Here on this thread is a general of idea how are relationship is now.

https://www.thefastlaneforum.com/community/threads/how-i-got-kicked-in-the-balls-hard.52682/

But I haven't got kicked in the balls that's the only difference.

So this girl, I've told her about the fastlane mentality. Everything is perfect, we both share same ideas goals and dreams etc. Our relationship is going quite well so far.

However one problem. She has bipolar and depression. Bipolar is not that severe, she doesn't need meds and controls just fine. I have already asked many people, I get different responses. Literally I have some spent nights reading into this mental illnesses. I just don't want our future to become problematic. I have also read somewhere that 90% of bipolar marriages end in divorce which is quite worrying.

So I'm asking you lot what you think of this? Should I consider her? Do you have anyone with bipolar in your family are they coping? Do you have bipolar yourself? Any advice would be appreciated thanks.

 

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[wmvbob]

Well, having experience with people suffering from Bipolar depression, and I do mean suffering from it, I'd say if you truly want to achieve fastlane status, you need someone who can support you and push you up, not drag down and suck up your energy. Harsh but true.

Your still very young and I'd recommend against marrying someone when you've only met a few people in your life. Think about the person you want to be, and the kind of person who will help you get there. The hard look says I need someone that can push me forward, not pull me back. Besides, if you do get fastlane status and you do get married, you would end up losing half of it when you get a divorce.

You don't have any thing holding you back at this age, no kids, no marriage, if you want to get married, marry your fastlane business first.

But that's just my cynical viewpoint.

 

[CarrieW]

just because someone is diagnosed with something doesn't make it so. I am not saying it is a misdiagnosis because I do not know her, but there is a lot of people diagnosing things incorrectly or prematurely.

that said I have had several people in my life that were diagnosed bipolar some correctly some incorrectly. I know people who needed daily medication and ones who were misdiagnosed and no longer take medication and are fine.

there is a large spectrum of possibility of behaviors that can come from someone like this. not all are bad. I have seen them all.

I would say that it is not a very good quality to quit on someone because they have a "defect". not that it is the ideal situation to be with someone who has issues if she seems to be ok and have it under control I don't see a reason to dump her and run. theres a lot of crazy bitches out there who are undiagnosed or have no issues that you could be far worse off with...

I was with someone for years who had a mental illness (it was not bipolar) I wouldn't ever leave him because of that issue. when you love someone you love all of them even the not so great parts... we didn't work out because we wanted different things out of life. not because he had "issues".

you need to have a realistic idea of what could happen and realize the possibility is there of something getting worse. but in all honestly shit changes anyway. you could have the perfect person that has a nervous breakdown out of no where. a perfect defect free person doesn't exist and if they do the chances they will stay perfect forever are 0...

you could end up with a perfect spouse and end up having a child with challenges... or you could end up with the perfect spouse who becomes sick and disabled (like me) I cant tell you the amount of people/friends who told my husband to dump me before we got married... just sayin....

 

[Mattie]

You are both very young number one. Yes she can beat the depression if she is devoted too it, dedicated to it, and works hard at it every day. It's not impossible, but a very hard journey.

1. She'd have to face her fears of the past and make peace with it, forgive, and let go of the depression mindset. Which is very tricky, because the shift in beliefs can be overwhelming, scary, and this is where some get into trouble and exactly why they usually say go to a psychologist. If she's not strong enough to switch those belief systems she can end up harming herself.

2. They are finding out in research that mindfulness and meditation is setting a lot of them free. It depends on her back story and how bad she wants to overcome that obstacle. It is a state of mind that is basically victim mentality. Structured on belief system and thoughts.

3. I will be honest with you from working with depressed people other mental disorders it's not an easy road. It is up and down, heart wrenching, and it is different from case to case. You will always be on an emotional roller coaster and you will be wore out and most families end up placing them in group homes if they can't function because they're to strung out. It's hard to say. Like I said it is individual to individual.

4.) If you want to have children if she has a break down various times with episodes you will be responsible for the home, finances, house keeping, children, children's activities and hobbies, and basically Mr. Mom on top of your Fastlane.

5.) This is basically her choice and your choice. It's kind of a 50/50 chance either way. I also know you may think this is the one, but you may end up meeting someone else at some point. The best choice you can make is what is for your highest good and her highest good. What is healthy for both of you? To be together or let go?

 

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[FionaS]

The fact that she is bipolar or has depression would mean nothing to me, personally. It's what she decides to do with it that matters, IMO. If she keeps it under control, doesn't let it control her, great. If she uses it as an excuse or acts like the victim, not so great. The illness doesn't define the person.

You need to figure out what she is willing to do about it, how she takes care of whatever problems may show up - but also what you would be willing to deal with and help with. If you end up getting married, you have to be prepared to be there for her if for some reason she's having trouble handling things, just like you'd want her to be there for you if you're having issues.

 

[jon.a]

I was thinking no but...
Some what unrelated, I lost my ability to walk sometime back. Mrs jon stuck with me. It wasn't easy but we got past it. You really gotta want it.

 

[D11FYY]

Without being disrespectful to yourself,
If you are posting about this it must be some what of a concern to yourself already.
Each situation is different we can try help, give you advice or talk about our personal story's regarding the issue.
You are still young, but if you know this is the girl that you want to be with ; I am sure through thick and thin use will both get there.

 

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[Disobey]

First, you're 17. Please for the love of god do not make the mistake of thinking about marrying someone at this age. Wait at least until you're 25, even 30.

Do you really want to end up like all those people who are divorced by 24, have 3 children whose lives are going to be destroyed too by their fighting parents, and have to pay your mistakes for the rest of your life?

Secondly, do you love her? If so, don't worry about those statistics. Love is not about statistics son. It's a form of mental sickness by itself, and we all fall victim from it at least once in our life. Besides that , what if she had some kind of degenerative disease like huntington for exemple? Would you still consider building your future with her? Love doesn't care about diseases either.

Anyway, It's alright to worry about the future but please, enjoy your youth and live for the moment. You've got all the time in the world to think about marriage and children later.

 

[SteveO]

My response may sound like there are contradictions in what I have to say. I have spent the majority of my life dealing with this subject with a couple of family members.

Another family member that is close to me was diagnosed recently and I moved this person in with me for a few months.

Of all the difficulties that I have gone through, dealing with my family members mental illnesses and their affects have been the toughest.

Whether we are mentally unbalanced or not, I feel that we design our lives. We are in control of all of the outcomes. The problem is that some of us are expecting other outcomes.

Perhaps what I have had the opportunity to participate in is on scale of magnitude larger than what you are looking at. Let me give you some examples to consider. Driving to mental health places or the police station multiple times at hours between midnight and 5 am. Random phone calls at all hours of the night with the person on the other end not having any idea of the time of day. This could number more than 500 times to date. Persons trying to jump out of a moving car because they did not like the words that were being used. Court orders that were pushed by me making the other person feel like I was trying to do them in. Constantly talking to others to straighten out situations. An example, "I gave my notice today that I am moving because the apartment manager is conspiring with my mental health worker to have me put away". Another example "I paid for my groceries but did not get them. I think I left them in the store". I ended up rebuying the groceries and taking them to her house. I am not even coming close to mentioning everything as some are exceptionally serious and personal.

I know everyone that is associated with this person on a first name basis since I have to deal with all of the issues.

Now the other family member that is about the age of yourselves has a different set of issues. Depression, suicidal attempts, anger outbursts, taking off in the middle of the night because for lack of fair treatment, etc. This person is currently in a care facility but this will not last indefinitely. Someone will need to deal with these issues.

Perhaps your situation is not that bad. Perhaps you are ready to deal with the issues on a long term basis. This does not mean that the situation will not escalate in your lifetime.

Keep in mind, a lifetime is a long time....

 

[Formless]

When you're 17, you don't know much about yourself. I'm almost 20 and I don't know much about myself.

One step at a time, man. Don't be talking marriage in concrete terms yet.

 

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[SteveO]

By the way. I need to deal with multiple issues every week that cannot be brushed aside.

 

[RMarques]

Run.

 

[SteveO]

And the list keeps going....

Don't forget that any children will be subject to the issues as well.

 

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[Kate]

My ex husband has mental illness(depression and anxiety). It is sad but I agree with the "run" comment above. I couldn't handle it. That is just my own personal story. I was miserable and he brought me down and it is not worth it. As I said, I am now divorced and much better off for it.

Oh and he is now on Social Security disability at the age of 35. Just not the life I want to live in any way.

 

[Tony Nguyen]

Don't worry about something you can't control only stressing yourself out.

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. "

 

[codo3500]

I remember when I was 18, and thought I'd marry that girl. I remember thinking the same at 21. I'm married to neither. I'm 26 now, and don't know 100% that I'll marry the girl I'm with, I think I will - but life happens, things change, I think your age is a bigger factor than her issues. That's just my thoughts - i know I've grown up a lot in the last decade, and would hardly recognize a 17 year old version of myself, and I think many people are the same.

 

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[Vagabond 007]

I'd get out now. If not, you're delaying the inevitable.

I had a serious relationship with a girl who was bi-polar, and I was engaged to a girl that was bi-polar and depressed. Both times I thought I could "fix" them.

Thought I was going to marry both of them. Got close with the one. Glad I didn't. We would have eventually divorced. The relationship was work. All. Of. The. Time.

Relationships shouldn't be that way.

And no offense, but at your age you don't know much. You may think you do, but you don't. It will take years to fully understand that. You sure as hell shouldn't be thinking about marrying this girl anytime soon. Slow down. Things change. People change. Be ok with that and don't get attached to anyone or anything.

It's your life so do what you want, but judging by the short glimpse into your world, I've been there. 18 dating a girl that was bi-polar and I thought I was going to marry her. 14 years later and I'm glad I didn't. I'm not even remotely close to being the same person I was 14 years ago.

 

[SeanKelly]

So I'm 17 and girl is 16

Stop right there... even if you thought she was the most amazing girl chances are you won't be together in the near future. You guys are so young that you haven't even matured enough to know what you really want in a partner. As you get older you'll want different things, be interested in different things, dress differently, etc. Don't get tied up now at 17 (you're not even old enough to drink) and definitely don't tell me you're in love... good luck.

 

[jon.a]

sex
companionship
partnership
trust
comfort
friendship
security

The above are a few of the things that you must give and get while in a relationship. There are others, but this is a good start. The importance of each will adjust through time but all must exist at some rewarding level for both partners.

If one of the partners is lacking...

doesn't like sex
is a jerk
lies
is shallow
is mean
can't hold a job or as in many cases here is a slow laner

...the relationship will suffer.

Know the game that you're entering into and be aware of where there may be voids. Think about this. Hard and long. Take your time. Your needs will adjust when your 27, 37, 47, 57.

57 is a long time.

At this point you may not have a duty to each other, don't be in too big of a hurry to create one.

 

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[ChristopherP]

Plenty of thoughtful advice on the mental illness angle, but really it comes down to you being 17 and this being unlikely to last even under ideal circumstances, because neither of you will be the same person in two years, let alone decades. So whatever you do, it will probably come out in the wash regardless, so long as you don't get married.

 

[ShadowX]

Thanks all for your advice. I understand I'm 17 and I may make naive decisions at this age and things change. This is quite a tough decision, I'll have to think long and hard about this...

 

[CarrieW]

my only suggestion is that you discuss these things with her. at least let her know whats going on in your head. that way she wont be blind sided if things don't work out in her favor...

 

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[ShadowX]

Update: So I found out even more problems with her, some major problems that are very worrying but I won't mention here. Long story short we both fell apart and went our own ways. I've learnt quite a lot from this experience that's the good news. While we went our own ways I was quite heartbroken, cried at nights on my pillow this happened for 2 weeks after break up. It had a impact on my fastlane fell behind on many things. But now I'm happy to say I'm over it. No more stupid feelings. I've got back on track with my projects and I'm ready to take on whatever lies ahead. All this experience has motivated me even more and made me a better person. In some way I'm kind of glad it happened. For future I'm going to choose my partner very carefully, and make sure I don't pick the wrong one. God willing it all goes well .

 

[pickeringmt]

Im just going to give you my honest brutal opinion

Almost 10 years ago, at 21, I married a woman I loved because I bought the line that that is all it takes - with concerns like you feel

10 years later, after 2 beautiful children, I still don't know if this is going to work.

DO NOT SPEND YOUR LIFE LOOKING FOR THE PERSON YOU END UP WITH. SPEND YOUR LIFE BECOMING THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE.

If it is a question now, it will always be a question. Focus on your goals, and if it is the right thing it will happen anyways.

 

[Ninjakid]

Being close to a person with bipolar disorder can be very challenging.
Personally, with marriage, I would recommend staying together for a minimum of 5 years before you consider that. Two years is a long time, but breakups can still happen. Don't rush the marriage part. If you two are in love, and are stable, it will happen someday.
You said everything is perfect and you don't want your future relationship to be problematic. Well, no relationship is ever perfect. You can have a loving, and beneficial relationship, but no relationship is perfect because life isn't perfect, and people aren't perfect.
If you two love each other as much as you say, than you two will be able to stay together. Sometimes the best relationships are the ones that stay together after facing many challenges.
As for her being bipolar, you've probably noticed her mood swings right? If she lashes out at you, remember to not take it personally. Don't try to get back at her ever, because it will make things a lot worse. Bipolar disorder is a form of depression, so maybe suggest to her to get some professional help, even if it's just taking counselling every few weeks.

 

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[Mattie]

If you say you broke up...it's time to leave the toxic relationship behind. You can love someone but if they're not willing to do the work in the inside, you only are left with the same actions, behavior, and toxic relationship. Bi-polar is not always easy to get out of and takes a lot of time and healing. There is usually P.T.S.D. involved in some cases.

Take time to inner develop emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically for a year or two and be on your own. When you've worked out all the kinks and are successful you will draw naturally to healthier relationships on all levels. So yes, this is a learning experience. Find out why you're attracted to Bi-polar? Is it that you're depressed yourself or have the same mindset? You may not be that extreme, but mirror some of the same thoughts, and mindset about yourself and the world. So sift through your belief systems, and perceptions.