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sija1

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I've been reading Third Circle Theory by Secret Entourage and started thinking. I have a great focus, motivation and determination, but I am self-centered. I think the reasons could be found in my past experiences. Had to do almost everything on my own since I was 14 and never begged for anything, actually I almost never ask for help, not even my best friends.

This community has offered a lot of good advice on everything so I would like to know does anyone have and advice on how to make that mindset change, from being self-centered to really shifting the attention towards the world?
 
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IrishSpring600

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I've been reading Third Circle Theory by Secret Entourage and started thinking. I have a great focus, motivation and determination, but I am self-centered. I think the reasons could be found in my past experiences. Had to do almost everything on my own since I was 14 and never begged for anything, actually I almost never ask for help, not even my best friends.

This community has offered a lot of good advice on everything so I would like to know does anyone have and advice on how to make that mindset change, from being self-centered to really shifting the attention towards the world?

You're too attached to your identity. You want to separate yourself from it, so you can open yourself to the environment without the bias of the identity.
Tbis can be as simple as looking at things a different way, but something the ego couldn't comprehend. Going under the influence (hence the term) and writing simultaneously helps. Then when reading the notes sober, they'll not make much sense, but you just have to keep re-reading. Eventually it'll click.

An example is that a student that is relatively antisocial thinks he's that way because he's better than everyone else, when in reality he's just different and doesn't appreciate everyone else's values.
 

sija1

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You're too attached to your identity. You want to separate yourself from it, so you can open yourself to the environment without the bias of the identity.
Tbis can be as simple as looking at things a different way, but something the ego couldn't comprehend. Going under the influence (hence the term) and writing simultaneously helps. Then when reading the notes sober, they'll not make much sense, but you just have to keep re-reading. Eventually it'll click.

An example is that a student that is relatively antisocial thinks he's that way because he's better than everyone else, when in reality he's just different and doesn't appreciate everyone else's values.

Thanks you for your reply.

Could you elaborate a little bit more?
 

IrishSpring600

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When you talk about separating oneself from his identity by going under the influence and writing. How does it help?

By going under the influence, you subject yourself to different moods (emotions) which leads to different perspectives of thinking.

I once went skydiving. It made me appreciate nature a lot more, seeing the trees from 8,400 ft in the air without any walls or windows to interfere. Being under the influence simply means doing new things or experiences.
 

sija1

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By going under the influence, you subject yourself to different moods (emotions) which leads to different perspectives of thinking.

I once went skydiving. It made me appreciate nature a lot more, seeing the trees from 8,400 ft in the air. Being under the influence simply means doing new things or experiences.

I will try that. Thank you very much!
 
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Might I also suggest that you consider changing your perspective?

Here is what I mean:

You write that your past experiences demonstrate to you that you did everything on your own. All the things that you did, or had to do or learned how to do, where did you learn them from? Unless you were just "born" with the knowledge, it came from somewhere else and thus someone else.

A quote worth considering: "Whether a pull towards what we want or a push away from what we don't, be grateful for the momentum from others."
 

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What is wrong with being self-centered? Your life is about you.

Perhaps what you really mean is not caring about others.

I am not even sure that any of this is a bad thing. People can take care of themselves without us butting into their business.

So go ahead, focus on yourself.

But if you want to be successful at business, there are things about others that you will need to understand.
 
D

Deleted20833

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When you realize its your only choice then you'll make the shift

Want a lot of money? You have to solve peoples problems (fix their leaking sink, mow their lawn, make them breakfast)
Want beautiful women? You have to solve their problems (boredom, love, protection, etc)
Want great friends? Help them out (hook them up with a job, help them launch a business, mentor them, etc)
 
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sija1

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Might I also suggest that you consider changing your perspective?

Here is what I mean:

You write that your past experiences demonstrate to you that you did everything on your own. All the things that you did, or had to do or learned how to do, where did you learn them from? Unless you were just "born" with the knowledge, it came from somewhere else and thus someone else.

A quote worth considering: "Whether a pull towards what we want or a push away from what we don't, be grateful for the momentum from others."

I learned a lot of things from my mother. She was an incredibly intelligent women and a fighter. I also learned a lot from her coworkers. During the war she was working with people who were on a peace mission in our country from everywhere around the world. That's also how I learned to speak English. I was bilingual by the age of 8.

But I see what you are trying to say and you are right. I just meant that if I have a problem, I will rarely talk about it. I will analyze it and try to find smaller parts of information without actually revealing the problem itself. I was talking mainly about action. And about learning, I usually try to find the information on the Internet and act upon it. It is not the best approach, I made awfully lot of mistakes in my life, but I learned to embrace failures because lessons I was taught that way are invaluable.

I'll just give you an example: I went through a big depression back in 2010-2011. I didn't want to look for help and never talked about it. But realizing that I can't live my life like that, I started putting my time in studying psychology and searching for self-help articles in order to understand myself better. After reading thousands and thousands of articles and making notes, I started putting theoretical knowledge into practical use. And it really helped me. I was able to understand myself better, change my beliefs and shift my mindset.
 

sija1

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What is wrong with being self-centered? Your life is about you.

Perhaps what you really mean is not caring about others.

I am not even sure that any of this is a bad thing. People can take care of themselves without us butting into their business.

So go ahead, focus on yourself.

But if you want to be successful at business, there are things about others that you will need to understand.

Yes I agree with you. In some way. I do care about others but in a very complicated way. I care only about people who are really close to me. But I want to change that. I want to open up to others and really listen to their needs and problems. Not only to make money, but to be a bigger person too.
 

sija1

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When you realize its your only choice then you'll make the shift

Want a lot of money? You have to solve peoples problems (fix their leaking sink, mow their lawn, make them breakfast)
Want beautiful women? You have to solve their problems (boredom, love, protection, etc)
Want great friends? Help them out (hook them up with a job, help them launch a business, mentor them, etc)

I am aware of that, it is my choice. And I'm willing to do it. I was speaking more globally, like: how to completely remove the money and myself from the equation and really look for needs everywhere?
 
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D

Deleted20833

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I am aware of that, it is my choice. And I'm willing to do it. I was speaking more globally, like: how to completely remove the money and myself from the equation and really look for needs everywhere?
The easiest way to look for needs is to follow the money

What do you spend your money on?

What does your family spend money on?

What do your friends spend money on?

If you and a lot of pple you know spend money on haircuts then you know for sure there are needs for barbers/hair stylist

If you and pple you know spend a lot of money on coffee then you know for sure there are needs for quality coffee drinks

I think you see the pattern
 

sija1

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The easiest way to look for needs is to follow the money

What do you spend your money on?

What does your family spend money on?

What do your friends spend money on?

If you and a lot of pple you know spend money on haircuts then you know for sure there are needs for barbers/hair stylist

If you and pple you know spend a lot of money on coffee then you know for sure there are needs for quality coffee drinks

I think you see the pattern
Yes I do. It is a very good advice. But the trickier part can be: why they spend it on? Not talking about obvious stuff like food in general but something like i don't know why they spend it on candy crush and not some other game? What they see in it that I don't? Like when I first got my smartphone, one of things I sad was: I would never do an app in purchase, who the hell would do that ? If I wasn't such an idiot, I could have started creating apps, but I never saw the money going there.
 
D

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Yes I do. It is a very good advice. But the trickier part can be: why they spend it on? Not talking about obvious stuff like food in general but something like i don't know why they spend it on candy crush and not some other game? What they see in it that I don't? Like when I first got my smartphone, one of things I sad was: I would never do an app in purchase, who the hell would do that ? If I wasn't such an idiot, I could have started creating apps, but I never saw the money going there.
Focus on things you're interested in

When you're interested in something it makes easier to see the nuances of what makes it great or not

For example, before I drank coffee I couldn't tell the difference frm the gas station and Starbucks...it all taste the same

After I started drinking a lot of coffee I started noticing the stronger acid taste the gas station coffee had..I only figured that out by being "into" coffee

I don't know what makes candy crush addictive because I don't play it..but I'm sure people who have spent hundreds of hours playing it do

If you want to know if their is money in it ask yourself...has anyone ever gotten rich in this business? If the answer is yes...then you have your answer
 
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sija1

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Focus on things you're interested in

When you're interested in something it makes easier to see the nuances of what makes it great or not

For example, before I drank coffee I couldn't tell the difference frm the gas station and Starbucks...it all taste the same

After I started drinking a lot of coffee I started noticing the stronger acid taste the gas station coffee had..I only figured that out by being "into" coffee

I don't know what makes candy crush addictive because I don't play it..but I'm sure people who have spent hundreds of hours playing it do

If you want to know if their is money in it ask yourself...has anyone ever gotten rich in this business? If the answer is yes...then you have your answer
Thanks man, I like your way of thinking.
 

cautiouscapy

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@sija1, I wonder if you "can't be bothered" with most people?

I had something maybe a little similar to you as a young person, in that I was also emotionally alone since a young age. (I don't mean it was similar to your life, but really generalizing, maybe there's a similar feeling there)

I largely feel uninterested in others, unless it's an "instant connection", and am working on being more interested in others.

I have this printed out, to remind me that I'm the problem. It's actually from a dating-advice type site for guys (and I'm not a guy!)


"The first problem is people who never feel a “F*ck Yes” for anybody they meet. If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.

Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. This is life, not a F*cking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction. It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting."
It's in this article and you'll have to scroll down quite a way to find the 2 paragraphs above:

http://markmanson.net/F*ck-yes​
 

Imgal

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@sija1, I wonder if you "can't be bothered" with most people?

I had something maybe a little similar to you as a young person, in that I was also emotionally alone since a young age. (I don't mean it was similar to your life, but really generalizing, maybe there's a similar feeling there)

I largely feel uninterested in others, unless it's an "instant connection", and am working on being more interested in others.

I have this printed out, to remind me that I'm the problem. It's actually from a dating-advice type site for guys (and I'm not a guy!)


"The first problem is people who never feel a “F*ck Yes” for anybody they meet. If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.

Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. This is life, not a F*cking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction. It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting."
It's in this article and you'll have to scroll down quite a way to find the 2 paragraphs above:
http://markmanson.net/F*ck-yes​

Wow. Can totally connect with this. It's actually something I'm working on really hard at the moment. I told myself for a long time that I was different from others and that was the reason why I didn't connect with other that easily... or even worse judge them as not being "my type of person" (whatever the hell that means!) before I'd given them a chance. Yes, some of that is gut feeling and in some cases it's been right, but honestly I think it's been something of a defence mechanism. Write people off before you even know them and then there's chance of them letting you know, disappointing you blah blah blah (and yes I now fully recognise the selfishness of that statement!).

The weird thing is the more I've moved to being more open and looking for the good in people, the more that I've seen. It's also helped my entrepreneurial journey no end.... when you see others as people you want to deal with and help, the ideas soon come flowing quickly!
 

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Read anything by Tolle. The Power of Now, A New Earth, so forth. It makes my mind drift while reading since it seems repeated a lot and kind of philosophical to me, but this is the essence of what you are talking about. Basically, he says we as humans are dysfunctional...we are so consumed by thoughts that we are nuts. We need to stop thinking and become Present; focus on Being, or I Am. An example that I've always found that he mentions in the book is when you walk outside at night and stare at the sky...for me, I get amazed by the stillness. for those split seconds, I am completely present. I am not thinking about the future or the past, labeling something, etc. He also mentions to stop using I and My. Like when you say, MY THINGS, MY MOM, I'M A DOCTOR, I'M SELFISH...these are labels and you are none of those. I need to go back and review the book once I am done, but I encourage you to check them out.

The way you mention self-centered might not be a bad thing completely. You don't want to rely on others for help...you think you must figure it out on your own. Or, you could be meaning that no one is good enough to help you, which is bad. You can't get anywhere in life doing everything on your own. If you build a company, you will have strengths and weaknesses. You will need to hire to build up these areas. Also, building a business requires providing value. If you are so focused on yourself, how do you think you will ever be able to listen to what the marketplace needs? Let go of your ego (in the scientific sense). Keep reading books and practice on it.
 
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sija1

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I told myself for a long time that I was different from others and that was the reason why I didn't connect with other that easily... or even worse judge them as not being "my type of person" (whatever the hell that means!) before I'd given them a chance. Yes, some of that is gut feeling and in some cases it's been right, but honestly I think it's been something of a defence mechanism. Write people off before you even know them and then there's chance of them letting you know, disappointing you blah blah blah (and yes I now fully recognise the selfishness of that statement!).

The weird thing is the more I've moved to being more open and looking for the good in people, the more that I've seen. It's also helped my entrepreneurial journey no end.... when you see others as people you want to deal with and help, the ideas soon come flowing quickly!

This is gold! Really great post!

In the end we are probably different and thinking about that it is probably the reason why it is hard to connect. Before, I found it easier to connect even tho I was still self centered in some ways. But since moving to Quebec, it went completely downhill, without me realizing it till now. I come from a place where it is a group mentality and the way we see life is completely different. I am into everything, I want to learn, explore and meet high minded people. The problem is, I haven't really met a lot of people like that here. It is a completely different mentality. I used to go out a lot. But one day it had to stop. You realize that there is a lot more to life than that. And when I went back to finish college while working two jobs simultaneously, the people stayed the same. I really have problems connecting or even wanting to connect when only concerns are: what to F*ck, where to get drunk and what to eat or when it is constant relationship drama (we split, we're back together, we split, we're back together - and I'm like of for F*cks sake get over it). In 7 years I have met maybe 5-8 persons with a different way of thinking (no I am not exaggerating), those are the ones I kept in my life.

In the end, you are still right, it is a sort of defense mechanism because all the differences, you just feel like an outcast and start separating yourself.

@RBefort I don't know did I forget about him! He has some incredible stuff about separating yourself from the ego, I remember reading about it somewhere, it just completely slipped out of my mind! Will definitely order couple of books. Thanks!

I don't think that no one is good enough to help me, I would say that the problem comes from within me. That is way I am going to make a change. Thanks to you guys, I now have a great starting point.

@cautiouscapy It's a great article! Thank you, will be reading that a couple of times just to get it "engraved" in my head :)
 

cautiouscapy

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In 7 years I have met maybe 5-8 persons with a different way of thinking (no I am not exaggerating), those are the ones I kept in my life.

Can't say I've even met that many in that time (I am a little older, and I tend to enjoy a lot of time alone).

You may well meet more through this forum.
Also you may find better places near you to potentially meet more - I'm not sure where people "like me" are hanging out locally , I guess I just have to go out more and get through a larger sample of people.
 

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I'm in the process of doing the same thing. I've recognized that I'm pretty self-centered, and i think it comes across subtly in a variety of ways. A couple things that are helping me:

1) recognize areas where I'm not self centered and try to apply that way of doing things to areas where I am still self-centered. For me, I'm the least selfish in how I raise my kids. They're 5 and 7. I'm focused on doing things that will help them become good people when they're 25. I play with them a lot, hold them accountable when they act up. I'm not concerned too much if they like me (though its nice when they do). I generally sacrifice my comfort for theirs (if they're sick, I get up with them, if they are sad, I talk to them about it even if I'm busy).

2) I've been trying to think about the other person's perspective in situations where I'm typically selfish - for me, it comes out in being needy or insecure and looking for positive comments from clients. It hurts my brain when I force myself to think about this from my client's perspective, and I'm hoping that that 'hurt brain' feeling is helping me to adjust my point of view.


_______________


Weird...I thought I was the first person to reply to this thread...maybe because of the layout, or my own self-centered perspective! lol ... anyway, hope my answer helps.
 
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sija1

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Can't say I've even met that many in that time (I am a little older, and I tend to enjoy a lot of time alone).

You may well meet more through this forum.
Also you may find better places near you to potentially meet more - I'm not sure where people "like me" are hanging out locally , I guess I just have to go out more and get through a larger sample of people.

Tried bars, tried pubs, tried coffee shops, fast foods, tried at workplace. Nothing. This forum however is really a great place. Now I don't mind being a loner. I learned to love it and enjoy it. I could spend 3 hours doing nothing, just sitting and I wouldn't be bored. On the other hand, socializing with people who have common interests can be great also, especially if you are not the smartest person in the room.

@Jon L Every answer helps in one way or another, because all of you had different approaches. Thank you for taking your time to reply.
 

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I'm an introvert and don't like socialising, but I do like people with similar interest. I think you need to find people who love what you love.
 

sija1

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I'm an introvert and don't like socialising, but I do like people with similar interest. I think you need to find people who love what you love.

Well that is the biggest problem. I fit nowhere because I fit everywhere in some way. Let me explain:
I love programming, computer science, entrepreneurship, reading, psychology, philosophy, going to the gym, travelling, going out to a bar or just to take a walk even by myself. I love music (almost every kind - rap, r&b, trap, dance, big room, progressive house, 80's, 90's, latino, reggaeton...), movies and I love learning new languages. I don't even hate when I fail because I tell myself it's a new opportunity to learn and grow. This list could go on and on, I just love to fit my head with new information and new experiences. One of the main reasons I am interested in entrepreneurship is because it gives me new experiences and opportunities and my main goal is not to be rich to be rich - it is to have time to learn and experience even more and to spend time with my family and friends.

When I say this, people sometimes think I am crazy. Why? Well most of the people can be categorized - car guys, musicians, gamers etc. So I really have a difficult time fitting in because I see more than one or two interests in life. It's fun to go out - but is my life going to turn around that? It's fun to watch a movie - but do I need to watch 20 movies in a week (there are people like that).

I am not saying that I am perfect or even better. I just see life differently.
 
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cautiouscapy

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I'm an introvert and don't like socialising, but I do like people with similar interest. I think you need to find people who love what you love.

@tafy where do you meet new people?

Well that is the biggest problem. I fit nowhere because I fit everywhere in some way. Let me explain:
I love programming, computer science, entrepreneurship, reading, psychology, philosophy, going to the gym, travelling, going out to a bar or just to take a walk even by myself. I love music [...], movies and I love learning new languages. [...]

I am not saying that I am perfect or even better. I just see life differently.

@sija1 you just sound a bit too intelligent for the average person you find in the places you hang out. I wouldn't expect to find many easy-fit-to-me people in those places myself.

One thing that I've enjoyed has been Continuing Education classes, as much for socialising as anything; I think they're perceived as rather "square", but hey, I no longer care. Actually these people are usually more my demographic, so at least we have a good rapport in class. New language? How to cook a particular cuisine?
 

sija1

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@cautiouscapy The thing is - these are the only places. I see that you live in UK and as an European myself, I can assume that the mentality is pretty different than here. When I lived in Bosnia, one of the most popular places were (still are) coffee bars. Totally different concept than Starbucks for example. Drive-thru doesn't exist, coffee to go doesn't exist. People all ages from 16 to 30 come to have a cup of coffee and chat and you can literally meet different people everyday. Cities are different, smaller so a lot of people walk to their destination which is another easy way to meet new people. Here, however, people in coffee bars are usually 45-60 years old (sometimes there are minors because they are too young to go to a bar) and everyone has a car. I remember the shock 7 years ago when I came here. My first question was: Does anyone live here?! It was a ghost town.

What are Continuing Education classes? (I probably sound pretty ignorant right now)
 

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