Just got married... Now I feel restricted and powerless

[94blackbird]

Inform her via allowing her to read a copy of the millionaire fastlane , or other ways.(books, videos etc whatever)

She probably is afraid of what to her is an unknown and risky future.

The more info and understanding she gains of your position, strategy and actions. The less likely she should oppose your actions.

It's not quite that simple with a woman with a child on the way. She is literally hard wired by millions of years of evolution to demand stability and safety for the coming child. OP is going to have to prove through action and success that entrepreneurship and starting a business is a viable option that will support their family, as right now that is way, way outside her "baby risk matrix" for lack of a better term. Just reading about it won't be enough, he's going to have to show her concrete, solid action that is profitable in a way that she can be sure her child won't go hungry, that they won't wind up on the streets huddled under a cardboard box, or that they won't live in the parents basement forever.

The only reason my wife lets me try anything business related is because I have a proven track record of having the bills covered, roof over our head and food on the table, and occasionally doing something special for her. She also knows (and has seen) me make money in the past on side gigs, so she trusts me, because I have a proven record of succeeding and keeping all the bills paid. No where in OP's post do I see a track record of any kind that would convince any one the he knows what he's doing and is trustworthy to turn money into more money. All I saw was a teenage mentality throwing a tantrum because they didn't get what they wanted and are too lazy to figure out another way, and are pissed off because they are being forced to accept responsibility for their actions.

If OP is still reading this, there is plenty of excellent advice on the forum and in this thread already. If you can't make something work without getting into that 10k, then you need to get your big girl panties on, get your situation stabilized, THEN and only THEN should you consider trying to start a business. You have a family now, you need to put them first. If you can't keep them happy and healthy, then all your aspirations won't mean a damned thing 5 years from now when you're paying alimony/child support working at mcdonalds because you couldn't sack up and take care of your responsibilities as an adult and a parent when you had the chance.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[MJ DeMarco]

That's why it's so damned important where the 10K came from

Based on the OP's silence and this being 3 pages now, I'm thinking you're right.

 

[EN_VY]

Put aside everything that is going on now and focus on the fact that a child is about to be born.. A child that YOU made... Yes its easier said then done, but you have to do WHATEVER it takes for this child to be fed. Put your pride aside and step your game up.

 

[John the Man]

Sounds like your wife's mindset is subscribed in the slow lane but it may also because you have an urgent need of some fund considering that a baby is on its way. Yeah touching the 10K is not a good idea and getting into 9-5 job seems a better solution for now unless you have the drive to jump on sales or online freelancing. If you really hate a 9-5 job, you can also try freelancing, your only capital is your time and hard work. You can do some kind of paid services with Fiverr.com, elance.com, odesk.com, iwriter.com... determine your talent, what you can do best, and work online at your chosen time in the comfort of your own home.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[DanC]

You don't need 10k to start a business, you just need a customer.

 

[dompie85]

Well, @GrumpyCat and everybody else, Im back... @MJ DeMarco The wife had planned a birthday weekend for us.
Wow, some fire I have started, lol! I read a few comments and have a TON more to read. Since i'm seeing a lot of "your doomed" comments about getting married and having a child, I'd like to state that I love this girl, we love each other, That was a decision we both decided to make, and I am very very happy we have a child on the way... in 2 months actually. What's done is done and I have no intentions on getting divorced.
Living with my parents, well, thats because I just moved from NJ to start a better life with her here, in FL. Its temporary.
Job? Technically I am still employed with the airlines. Getting a position in FLL next week.

Let me read a few more of the comments, take some notes, and get back to you guys.
@Bila the Psychologist comment was actually direct to myself, was not referring to my wife in any way. I am the person seeking to better things for my family. I am the one attempting to better my mindset for what is to come.

P.S. I'd like to state that my wife is a finance major, the 10k acquired was what is left over after the wedding was paid off. She has managed startups as well. I feel like its down to a matter of timing.

 

[94blackbird]

Well, @GrumpyCat and everybody else, Im back... The wife had planned a birthday weekend for us.
Wow, some fire I have started, lol! I read a few comments and have a TON more to read. Since i'm seeing a lot of "your doomed" comments about getting married and having a child, I'd like to state that I love this girl, we love each other, That was a decision we both decided to make, and I am very very happy we have a child on the way... in 2 months actually. What's done is done and I have no intentions on getting divorced.
Living with my parents, well, thats because I just moved from NJ to start a better life with her here, in FL. Its temporary.
Job? Technically I am still employed with the airlines. Getting a position in FLL next week.

Let me read a few more of the comments, take some notes, and get back to you guys.
@Bila the Psychologist comment was actually direct to myself, was not referring to my wife in any way. I am the person seeking to better things for my family. I am the one attempting to better my mindset for what is to come.

P.S. I'd like to state that my wife is a finance major and she has managed startups as well. I feel like its down to a matter of timing.

I think you would have been better off posting something like this rather than the whiny, tantrum-esque drivel you put at the start of this thread. There's a lot of context here that was missing in the first post that would have probably toned down some of the responses you received.

Same advice still applies though. Take care of the kiddo first then figure out what you can do on the side. Your wife may have managed start ups before, but with a kid in the mix, things have changed pretty drastically as far as what she will be willing to stomach. Her number one priority is going to be taking care of that kid. Talking at/to her isn't going to do you any good without some actual, tangible proof that your money will multiply the way you say it will.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[ChickenHawk]

Since i'm seeing a lot of "your doomed" comments about getting married and having a child, I'd like to state that I love this girl, we love each other, That was a decision we both decided to make, and I am very very happy we have a child on the way... in 2 months actually. What's done is done and I have no intentions on getting divorced.

SO glad to hear this -- for you, for your wife, and especially for the child. Personally, I think people hugely underestimate how important it is for a kid to have a dad in the house. Anyway, bravo on this, and for your bravery in facing the firestorm of your post.

 

[DeletedUser394]

Personally, I think people hugely underestimate how important it is for a kid to have a dad in the house.

Confirmed. Daddy didn't love me, and now I'm an a**hole.


Impressed that OP came back. Hopefully everything works out.

 

[daivey]

2 Weeks ago, my wife was yelling at me to go get a job
Yesterday, after finding a job and being fired, due to inexperience, within a week of working, Wife was yelling at me "We can't support ourselves with pay like that, let alone the baby thats on the way"
We are currently living at my parents house and to add to that, We have over 10k just sitting around... Which she wants to save to use for an apt 3 months from now.
I keep telling her, lets use a little bit of that money to make some money, a small risk, like buying liquidations and reselling on ebay or something (after doing research and what not to minimize risk). Whatever the investment along with risk is, that is just an example. So lets not try to derail the thread.

Anything I throw at her, it's all "no, go back to the job market and look for a job" well, I agree 100% with looking for a job, but lets also attempt to grow this capital that we have on hand! I can't seem to break through to her that I am not the type of person that will settle for a 9 to 5 temp job making $10 and hour. I keep moving forward and I feel like she is suppressing my urge to take calculated risks.

How do I break it through to her that I want to take these risks while it is somewhat safe to do so?? I feel like she does not want me to do these things, she prefers for me to settle with a well paying job.... I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE, THAT IS NOT ME! I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD AND FORGET ABOUT 9 TO 5'S! I just want her to understand that I want the best for us and our family to come.

any psychologists here?? lol!

i bet if she gave you that $10k to spend on shit to "Resell" you would just be out the $10k...

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[daivey]

i love how you guys say the wife is slow lane.... because you know it's so easy to give someone $10,000 when they've failed at everything else in life.

 

[Mr.B]

i bet if she gave you that $10k to spend on shit to "Resell" you would just be out the $10k...

Or they might be up a couple of thousand? Who knows. There are plenty of people in this forum who have been able to make good money reselling things... I don't see why that wouldn't apply to @dompie85.

I feel like its down to a matter of timing.

Perhaps... although it depends if your wife feels the same way. Has she shown any interest in starting a business with you?

Focus on stability first. Get a home for your family. Get some cash in the bank. Be there for your wife and kid.

There will be plenty of time later to start a business, but right now you need to focus on taking care of your family.

 

[Sunscreen]

i love how you guys say the wife is slow lane.... because you know it's so easy to give someone $10,000 when they've failed at everything else in life.

90% of the responses were before OP gave us any context. And most people seemed to be on the side of the wife without the context anyway as shown by Vig's response with like 40 upvotes.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[AndrewNC]

90% of the responses were before OP gave us any context. And most people seemed to be on the side of the wife without the context anyway as shown by Vig's response with like 40 upvotes.

Good thing the OP came back when he did. Next thing you know someone would start the rumor that the kid wasn't his and yet should go on jerry springer or Maurey lmao

 

[Andy Black]

@dompie85

Congratulations to you and your wife! We hope the next two months go smoothly and the baby is delivered safely and in good health.

Congratulations also on being in a loving marriage.

Congratulations on moving closer to parents to start a new life. That will be great for your parents, you and your wife, and your child.

Congratulations on having some rainy day money saved.

Congratulations on being "technically employed" while you look for another job.

Congratulations on recognising you need to improve your mindset for what is to come.


...


If I may, I'd like to show you a few things about your original post.



Firstly, it's a "rant".

Have you ever seen MJ, Vigilante, IceCreamKid, Biophase, or any number of other respected posters "rant"?

Rage comes from anger combined with the feeling of powerlessness.

You even mention powerlessness in your thread title.

Try and keep your head. If you can't change something then there's no point complaining about it. If you CAN change something, then there's no point complaining about it. So there's no point complaining, only keeping a cool head and working your way through your problems.

When you have kids, ANY personal issue you might have is going to be uncovered. It's almost like they're designed to push your buttons to get their way. You have to not let anger rule.



Secondly, have a look at the language in your original post.

As Vigilante pointed out, you're not treating your wife with respect. That's not good for her, and that's not a good example for your child to see. It's not good for your own feeling of worth if you don't treat others well.


There's something else you're saying a lot:

How do I break it through to her that I want to take these risks while it is somewhat safe to do so?? I feel like she does not want me to do these things, she prefers for me to settle with a well paying job.... I DON'T WANT TO SETTLE, THAT IS NOT ME! I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD AND FORGET ABOUT 9 TO 5'S! I just want her to understand that I want the best for us and our family to come.

"I want. I want. I want."

Combine that with your rant/tantrum, and you're acting like a 4 year old.

How will you and your wife react when your own child's old enough to stamp his or her foot and say "I want" ?

Do you think they are going to get their way?

Will you reward that behaviour?

Do you think the world will reward an adult adopting that behaviour?

(And you should know by now that's not the right mindset to start and grow a successful business... that's more like the entitlement mindset.)


There's another, more insidious, problem with the word "want".

Look it up and you'll see "want" basically means "to not have".

When you want for something, it means you don't have it.

When you have "a want", it means you're hungry for something... because you don't have it.

When you keep focusing on what you want, then you're focusing on what you don't have.

When you're focusing on what you don't have, you're looking at the glass that is half-empty, you're not looking at the glass that is half-full.

I just congratulated you on some of the obviously good things in your situation from your two posts.

I'm sure there's more. I hope you and your family are all in good health for instance.

Are you grateful for all the good in your life?

Do you stop to look at the half-full glass that you already have?

If you "want" (sorry ... "aim") to better your life, start by being grateful for what you already have.


...


Finally...

Holy shit man. You're about to become a DAD!!!

Your wife is at her most vulnerable. She's uncomfortable, she's scared of the near future, she's worried about the rest of your lives.

Your JOB is to reassure her that everything will be alright. That you have it all under control. That you're resourceful.

"Don't worry, I'll sort it."


Let's put it simply.

You have to be the man that you want your children to grow up to be.

You have to protect your children from the ways of the world that will turn them into a consumer and have them judge themselves by what clothes they wear, car they drive, or what smart-phone they are glued to.

Be grateful for what you already have.

Be grateful for what you are about to receive.

Be the man you want your son to grow up to be.

Be the man you want your daughter to meet and marry.



Good luck.

 

[OscarDeuce]

I think you would have been better off posting something like this rather than the whiny, tantrum-esque drivel you put at the start of this thread. There's a lot of context here that was missing in the first post that would have probably toned down some of the responses you received.

But he did provide us with a rather entertaining diversion over the weekend...

Cheers,
O-2

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[94blackbird]

But he did provide us with a rather entertaining diversion over the weekend...

Cheers,
O-2

That he did.

 

[Rem]

I read this entire thread over my first cup of coffee. I find it interesting but not uncommon. I'll keep it simple, coming from a man who married, has 8 children with the same married woman, and is expecting another child this Fall, and only a few years back read the Millionaire Fastlane by MJ waking me up to many truths. To make matters more difficult I am also a full time stay at home father.

The general consensus is that you either marry and have kids or become wealthy. There are some half truths to this. It's extremely difficult to be married to someone who does not subscribe to your same beliefs about finances and wealth building. But growing a business, investing in businesses, etc is a "process" of hard work often putting you in positions where you need to overcome obstacles that seem difficult or improbable. It's about problem solving, working hard, working smart, and making good decisions, and executing on those daily.

With that said, I had realized a year ago that I needed to jump on a different path, a path where I could build my own business, do my own thing, invest, build wealth, etc. The problem was, my wife loved to shop. In some ways I felt I couldn't or shouldn't tell her to stop. She had earned it all herself, the kids were dressed and fed and had everything they could ever want and with that extra money she bought herself things. I simply wanted to invest it.

But I realized the reason I was in the current position was simple. I was NOT forced there. Nobody told me I had to marry this woman and have a certain number of children. Nobody even told me I needed to stay home. I made all those decision myself. But now I didn't want to be in that position. It was difficult at first, as I was being emotional about it all. After I learned I wasn't going to change other people, even those I lived with, I understood I could still change "me". Therefore I knew I had some "problem solving" to do.

I figured if I couldn't solve my problems with my wife and find a way to become financially independent from my current situation then I wasn't cut out for building a business and solving the problems associated with it. One way to solve the problem is to divorce. But I found that I had discovered something and had changed and to just leave my wife and kids because I had changed my views was absolutely pathetic and cowardly. I had made my bed and I needed to lie in it. Plus I love my family whether they hold the same views as me or not. And I am not going to force anyone to change if they don't want to.

So you need to man up, become a problem solver, and figure out a way to achieve your goals in your current situation. It can be done. It's done every day.

One Hint: Shift slowly and give your wife some credit. Throwing a new idea onto people who don't share the same views is overwhelming causing them to naturally push back.

As a stay at home father of 8 kids, I am able to write novels and build websites and still spend tons of time with my family. I am not yet independently wealthy but I make enough money now I can save, invest, etc.

Good luck!

 

[Vigilante]

Well, @GrumpyCat and everybody else, Im back... @MJ DeMarco The wife had planned a birthday weekend for us.
Wow, some fire I have started, lol! I read a few comments and have a TON more to read. Since i'm seeing a lot of "your doomed" comments about getting married and having a child, I'd like to state that I love this girl, we love each other, That was a decision we both decided to make, and I am very very happy we have a child on the way... in 2 months actually. What's done is done and I have no intentions on getting divorced.
Living with my parents, well, thats because I just moved from NJ to start a better life with her here, in FL. Its temporary.
Job? Technically I am still employed with the airlines. Getting a position in FLL next week.

Let me read a few more of the comments, take some notes, and get back to you guys.
@Bila the Psychologist comment was actually direct to myself, was not referring to my wife in any way. I am the person seeking to better things for my family. I am the one attempting to better my mindset for what is to come.

P.S. I'd like to state that my wife is a finance major, the 10k acquired was what is left over after the wedding was paid off. She has managed startups as well. I feel like its down to a matter of timing.

Almost all of this post reads the exact opposite of your OP. It reads like two separate people wrote it.

You must have had one hell of a birthday weekend. Hopefully this latest post is after you had a chance to cool off, refocus, and reload.

Good luck. I look forward to following your success story down the road.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Aldri Nok]

Man up. Kid is on its way.
I think you're probably missing a few key things here. Focus, purpose, hard work, endurance.. all those key values that are somewhere waiting to be harnessed towards your goal. And most important, what is your goal?

It's probably best not to use the 10K in savings, that could be your rainy day fund. Also at this time is best to look for a 9 to 5 job so you can pay your bills and basic living. Meanwhile you can focus on crafting your end goal on your downtime. Finding a purpose for your family. If you do it for you it will be short lived. You may try small steps first, such as starting on eBay with a couple hundred first and keep the motivation strong, and the momentum going. Don't lose sight of your goal.

Work hard. Read lots of books and material about your end goal. It can be here in the Fast Lane Forum, your local library, the Internet.. nowadays you can also take courses for free (khan academy, coursera, instructables) and buy materials such as books and samples at very inexpensive prices.

Don't be afraid to connect to other entrepreneurs, inventors, and experts in your field of interest and ask them questions relevant to what you want to accomplish. In other words, don't hide from dreams and aspirations.

You must endure failure and embrace it as the great teacher that is. Failure is a great opportunity to study what went wrong and focus on the positives. So here's my two cents:

1. Get a regular job to keep finances straight, pay bills on time, build a basic living and provide for your household.
2. In your downtime study and enrich yourself with all the things that will keep you motivated.
3. Connections, connections, connections..
4. Take small risks, embrace challenge, success, failure, and enjoy the journey.

 

[ZCP]

You ranted and got it off your chest....good. You came back with more info.... good.

Now I challenge you to go back and rewrite your OP. Would be interesting to see the change in perspective. Would also give us an opportunity to help in a more tangible way.

Also challenge you to have the wife write a rant post. Don't have to publish it here. Then you two can talk it through and get a 'family plan / direction' that you are both into.

 

[dompie85]

I'm back with some news. I had many long conversations with my wife at where we want to in the future and how we want to get there and we are now both on the same level. I am currently in FLL for an interview for a new position, feel like it went pretty well. We are both excited. We have sorted out a lot of our concerns and differences. Not to mention, she is 7 months pregnant and can be very explosive, which kinda led me to writing this rant post. I've learned to understand her current situation and have learned to cope with her mood swings. I... I mean, We, want the best for our future to come.

As for the job interview, if i do get the job, we both realized that that job will not be able to comfortably and safely support us. We had decided to not touch too much of the money and pursue what I know how to do best. Website development. Research and sales will begin as soon as we get back home.

Thank you guys for drilling me. Pretty badly too. I deserved it. A lot of different perspectives helped me to understand this past dilemma.
Maybe I should follow up this thread with a progress thread.

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[Vigilante]

Maybe I should follow up this thread with a progress thread.

Heck yes. When you are ready.

 

[Bellini]

Be grateful for what you already have.

Be grateful for what you are about to receive.

Rep ++ to Andy Black for an amazing, inspired post.


There is way too much negativity about marriage and kids on this forum.

Getting married, having children, and being the leader of a happy, healthy family is one of the most noble things a man can do.

That's true wealth.

Much more impressive than just being 'rich'.

 

[MJ DeMarco]

I'm back with some news. I had many long conversations with my wife at where we want to in the future and how we want to get there and we are now both on the same level. I am currently in FLL for an interview for a new position, feel like it went pretty well. We are both excited. We have sorted out a lot of our concerns and differences. Not to mention, she is 7 months pregnant and can be very explosive, which kinda led me to writing this rant post. I've learned to understand her current situation and have learned to cope with her mood swings. I... I mean, We, want the best for our future to come.

As for the job interview, if i do get the job, we both realized that that job will not be able to comfortably and safely support us. We had decided to not touch too much of the money and pursue what I know how to do best. Website development. Research and sales will begin as soon as we get back home.

Thank you guys for drilling me. Pretty badly too. I deserved it. A lot of different perspectives helped me to understand this past dilemma.
Maybe I should follow up this thread with a progress thread.

I'm happy to hear this. Based on your original post, you made out your relationship to be pretty poor-- your latest information and reflections tell a much brighter story about two people who want to work together toward a brighter future. Just goes to show, random opinions from random people on random forums will run the extremes based on our subjective experiences, not to mention based on limited inside intel.

Definitely make the progress thread and don't forget to reference this thread!

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[BellaPippin]

This is one reason I am always in control of the intimacy and make sure to pull out.

Man, pulling out? That's screaming "please give me a baby".

 

[juturna]

If you let her control you, you've lost your masculinity.

Dude, seriously, take the freaking risk and do what YOU have to do to make that cash flow in to your pockets.

Time isn't stopping for anyone: Not you or her or the baby at hand.

 

[vive_la_dreams]

Don't take this the wrong way mate but you sound like a bum that is avoiding his responsibilities. Getting a 9-5 doesn't mean it's over, it's just the start. Go out there, make some capital and use that. Don't use money that is saved when you have a baby on the way.

You can't take risks anymore when others are involved.

Edit: sorry since read you came to your sense. Good man.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Dislike ads? Remove them and support the forum: Subscribe to Fastlane Insiders.

[MKHB]

and reload.

mmm... Vig that might be the last thing this dude needs to do.

 

[Kak]

It's called drop shipping.

Nope this is called bullshit. But I digress.

OP. your job is to be the best damn husband you can possibly be right now and legitimately provide for your family. Get the job and set money aside for your entrepreneurial project. The job buys you time anyway. 10 grand with a ticking clock sounds pretty bad man.