Got fired. Started a business. Critique my copy?

[georgebushforgod]

Hey everyone, big fan. First time poster here.

Anyway, I recently got fired from my job so I started a cleaning business (not fastlane, I know) to get some income in. Adwords is expensive and confusing so I want to go the flyers/sales letter route. I'll post my copy and feel free to rip it to shreds. Any advice is appreciated.

Not Enough Hours in Your Day?

Picture this. It’s 8 p.m. on a Wednesday night. You worked all day, then you had to go to the store to pick up groceries for the family, then you had to cook for the family, then you had to help the kids with homework. Now, with a couple hours left in your evening you have to decide between cleaning your home or spending some time for yourself.

If the scene above sounds like you, then you’re not alone. 70% of Americans wish they had more leisure time for themselves. At our company, we have a solution that will help open up your day and give you hours of your time back.

Schedule a cleaning with us for as low as $120 and discover how much time it will save you.

Why Book With Us Today?

Get it cleaned and spend more time for yourself.

It’s easy to book with us.

No calling for estimates, we only use flat rate prices.

It only takes 60 seconds.

Visit us online

Or call 333-333-3333



Would you consider using this if you saw it in your mailbox?

 

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[Get Right]

Nope.

But welcome to the forum! And I love the thread title.

 

[georgebushforgod]

Haha thank you. Anything that stood out that you didn't like?

 

[tafy]

70% of Americans wish they had more leisure time for themselves. At our company, we have a solution that will help open up your day and give you hours of your time back.

I would just go for this, all the other stuff is fluff.

 

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[Get Right]

Haha thank you. Anything that stood out that you didn't like?

Less is more in my book. Could you say some of it with a picture of a tired mom looking disparagingly at her dirty kitchen?

 

[16thCylinder]

You need to go from this:



to this:



The first is a boring, generic ad. The second uses reframing to reposition the service in the prospects mind.

Find a new, unique angle and make yourself different to all the others providing the same service. For that you need to examine your ideal prospect in minute detail and come in at an angle you know is going to grab them.

 

[georgebushforgod]

Not Enough Hours in Your Day?

70% of Americans wish they had more leisure time.

At our company we have a solution that will help open up your day and save you hours.

Schedule a cleaning with us for as low as $120 to gain up to 3 hours of leisure time.

Why Book With Us Today?

Our cleaners are pros and will eliminate all the dust, stains, and grime from your home.

All of our cleaners go through extensive background checks so you can feel comfortable in your home.

Let us do the cleaning so you can focus on yourself.

No calling for estimates, we only use flat rate prices.

Visit us online at rrrrrr.com

Or call 333-333-3333



is this any better?

 

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[Mr.B]

The copy doesn't work for me. You'd have lost me by the second line (and I suspect I am in your target market).

I think you may find this story interesting - it's a bit old, but should spark some good ideas for your cleaning business.

 

[jason91]

Hey everyone, big fan. First time poster here.

Anyway, I recently got fired from my job so I started a cleaning business (not fastlane, I know) to get some income in. Adwords is expensive and confusing so I want to go the flyers/sales letter route. I'll post my copy and feel free to rip it to shreds. Any advice is appreciated.

Not Enough Hours in Your Day?

Picture this. It’s 8 p.m. on a Wednesday night. You worked all day, then you had to go to the store to pick up groceries for the family, then you had to cook for the family, then you had to help the kids with homework. Now, with a couple hours left in your evening you have to decide between cleaning your home or spending some time for yourself.

If the scene above sounds like you, then you’re not alone. 70% of Americans wish they had more leisure time for themselves. At our company, we have a solution that will help open up your day and give you hours of your time back.

Schedule a cleaning with us for as low as $120 and discover how much time it will save you.

Why Book With Us Today?

Get it cleaned and spend more time for yourself.

It’s easy to book with us.

No calling for estimates, we only use flat rate prices.

It only takes 60 seconds.

Visit us online

Or call 333-333-3333



Would you consider using this if you saw it in your mailbox?

Hah!

I don't know.

To be honest.

It looks too GENERIC.

It looks too BORING.

It looks too... I don't know.. I didn't read the whole thing.

TRY THIS!

Anything to stand out. That still makes sense.

Make sure it's easy to read. Easy to process.

Paint the picture, from A to B to C. C to D to Z.

Paint the benefits, from the core of the person, to the surroundings (personal -> external )

Keep it short. But that will depend on what you're selling. Not too short.

Now...

As I was staring at the clock, I noticed the hand turn.

What I didn't tell you was how many times I've looked at the clock.

Why is my house not cleaned yet? I've spent close to 6 hours sweeping, mopping, clawing at the floors.

To be continued.. (Not going to write out a whole copy )

^ You can write based on your own style - but fundamentally you need to create that feeling in the reader - how should a buyer of your product feel when they make a purchase?

When I buy food, I'm hungry - if you use words / pictures that are appetizing, I'll be more likely to purchase.

Copywriting resources:
Gary Halbert's Boron letters are great, The Robert Collier Letter Book is great, Sinisterlex's thread on copywriting is great, and so are all the other resources on our forum here!

Good luck !

 

[Twiizlar]

Using the LCS model?

 

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[cwvps]

Use less, but more relevant words and an image. You also need to say a few words about your company to show that you are trustworthy.

 

[MKHB]

You need to go from this:

View attachment 10218

to this:

View attachment 10219

The first is a boring, generic ad. The second uses reframing to reposition the service in the prospects mind.

Find a new, unique angle and make yourself different to all the others providing the same service. For that you need to examine your ideal prospect in minute detail and come in at an angle you know is going to grab them.

Yes! @16thCylinder hit the nail on the head!!

Unique Selling Proposition.

Get an angle...for instance be the Home Hygienist Specialist; install free HEPA filters on all the returns after every cleaning...team with a local HVAC service provider to cut a deal. Provide a service/treatment that helps prevent bed bugs... again, team with a local pest control person that can help cross-market and keep the costs down.

Something..people are inundated with low budget cleaning offers.

Stress the Value not the price...

 

[MKHB]

Yes! @16thCylinder hit the nail on the head!!

Unique Selling Proposition.

Get an angle...for instance be the Home Hygienist Specialist; install free HEPA filters on all the returns after every cleaning...team with a local HVAC service provider to cut a deal. Provide a service/treatment that helps prevent bed bugs... again, team with a local pest control person that can help cross-market and keep the costs down.

Something..people are inundated with low budget cleaning offers.

Stress the Value not the price...

Leave the "low price" leader pitches to companies that sound cheap, e.g., A1 Cleaners...Budget Cleaners...#1 Chinese Buffet.

 

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[Megans_Ambition]

I appreciate your get-up-and-go attitude and you certainly have the fire power behind your advertisement but to me it just feels a little...60's door-to-door vacuum salesman? We all need to be able to advertise our products in a way that makes our product seem like the MUST HAVE of the century, but your ad comes across as pushy, like a used car salesman is yelling at me through a television commercial. I like what others said about leaving in the stanza about the 70%, but the rest of it really is fluff. Advertising panders to exaggerated scenarios of a real life situation, but that's what it is.
Personally, there are multiple ways to go with images. You could use the typical over-exaggerated woman pulling her hair out with screaming kids in the background image or...
The image of what it actually feels like to be in the situation you described. A tattered looking mom or dad figure with their head in the hands sitting on a couch surrounded by kids toys and dirty dishes. Follow this with an image of a sparkling clean house and a GENUINELY smiling or relaxed looking individual.

I'm new to this myself, but I've got a strange way of looking at things. We are exposed to lies every day of our lives. You are trying to provide a service that helps people in this situation so relate to the people you are targeting. You've got the drive and the get-go! You want to advertise and get your name out there! Focus on YOUR SERVICE. What makes you stand out?

You're an individual! You're unique! Your services are yours to give! Always take pride in what you do. Your work will reward you with loyal customers if they see that pride. You're getting a great start by following your desire to run your own business. I have faith in you to go forward and be great!

 

[Kung Fu Steve]

I was going to sit this one out but holy cow you guys are making this WAY more complicated than it has to be.

You don't need copy, buddy, you need your foot in the door.

If you're looking to make money today (yes, I mean literally today).

Go to a nicer neighborhood, knock on doors, and say you're just starting out and would like to earn their business by offering to clean any 2 rooms for $20.

Do an amazing job. Leave them with a coupon for next time for 4 rooms for $100. Do an amazing job again, then charge your normal price.

If they are not home, leave a door hanger.

If you're in a parking lot, leave a flyer on their windshield.

Writing copy like this is a waste of your time right now. Get out there and hustle. Period.

 

[MitchC]

Also you need a reason for them to do it right now, turning up at there door would be a good one

 

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[Choate]

I second one statement above, "right now". All sales start with a problem, and you aren't creating a problem in your prospects head.

70% of all Americans don't have time to clean their house? Well, I'm one of those lucky 30%. Me, and the other 100% of people that read that flyer would all have enough time to clean the house. Why again? Because you indirectly insulted me by telling me I'm too busy, and I can feel you trying to reach into my pockets. I'm good at time management, I like to tell myself, so either you're off your rockers or I'm (like everyone else that reads your copy), one of the 30%.

Either create a bigger problem or provide a ton of value of front (see:

- Dollar Shave Club advertisement). Some can't be done with a flyer alone.

No one's going to read a flyer full of words. I'd rather say:

Wouldn't you rather be doing this?

(silhouette couple having sex)

We'll clean your house so you can get to business. Call: ###

You get my point. If you're going to print off cheap a$$ flyers, you might as well make them stick out. I don't have time to read random paper, so catch my attention.

I'd rather build a brand online and become THE expert house cleaners for x, y, z (factors or unique niches to differentiate yourself from other expert house cleaners). Then the business will sail right in!

Just a couple of ideas. By no means do I know anything about copy, but I do have a sales background.